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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #4952
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My other grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.



  • #4953
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,554 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    148 MP's voted against Boris. They were the ones who weren't invited to any of his parties.



  • #4954
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Our parish priest has become a lawyer,..Now he's my father-in-law

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4955
    Worztron
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,985 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Screenshot_2022-06-09_06-32-18.png

    00111010 00101101 00101001

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #4956
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Welcome to the annual meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous, it's good to see so many new faces.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4957
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The problem with religion is that my idea of heaven consists of everything I'd go to hell for.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4958
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready for the reaper cushions.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4959
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Girl: "Tell me something you've never told anyone else?"


    Me (whispering) " I think the owl people already live among us. "


    Girl: "Who?"


    Me: " Holy crap!"



  • #4960
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Customs officers have destroyed 1,000 kg of illegally imported Chinese dumplings.

    A spokesman said it was wonton destruction.



  • #4961
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a Trebuchet is?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4962
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you show up to work stoned every day, they'll never know you're not sober

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4963
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The TV show Casualty is now up to series No 34.

    To keep it true to life, some of the patients from series No 1 are just being seen.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4964
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    went to faith healing meeting last night, it was that bad even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4965
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Filled my car up last week for €110 but drove off without paying, was up in court today got fined €75.


     


    Follow me for more money saving tips.



  • #4966
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Midwife for sale, can deliver.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4967
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Got some racing geese for sale .


     


    Let me know if you want a quick gander



  • #4968
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just signed up for my company’s 401k, but I’m not sure I can run that far

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4969
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,896 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. Apparently they gave the part to one of the lead actor's children.


    I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #4970
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,554 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Towels. #1 cause of dry skin.



  • #4971
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4972
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,068 ✭✭✭xlogo



    For Sale:


     


    Crystal Ball £50 but you will haggle me down to £35


     



  • #4973
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    You are not allowed to run in the camp site at Glastonbury. This is because it should be 'Ran' as it's past-tents

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4974
    Gant21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    This is where Jason Byrne gets his material.



  • #4975
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,053 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119242603#Comment_119242603

    The bar may be low but he's not even that funny.



  • #4976
    Gant21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119243006#Comment_119243006

    He is a joke.



  • #4977
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 7,385 ✭✭✭jj880


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119242603#Comment_119242603

    I don't get it.

    >>> BOARDS IS IN TROUBLE - SUBSCRIPTIONS NEEDED <<<

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  • #4978
    con___manx1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,701 ✭✭✭con___manx1


    Why do polar bears not eat penguin's?

    -

    _


    _

    _

    Because they cant get the wrappers off.



  • #4979
    con___manx1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,701 ✭✭✭con___manx1


    What do you call a blonde behind the wheel?






    An air bag



  • #4980
    jj880
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 7,385 ✭✭✭jj880


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119132047#Comment_119132047

    How did I miss that one.

    😂😂😂

    >>> BOARDS IS IN TROUBLE - SUBSCRIPTIONS NEEDED <<<

    Info 👉️ Important News!!

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  • #4981
    Gant21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,261 ✭✭✭Gant21


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119250342#Comment_119250342

    You missed my Jason Byrne one



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