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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 467 ✭✭ xlogo


    Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.



  • Registered Users Posts: 467 ✭✭ xlogo


    My other grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 88,704 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    148 MP's voted against Boris. They were the ones who weren't invited to any of his parties.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Our parish priest has become a lawyer,..Now he's my father-in-law

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,053 ✭✭✭ Worztron


    00111010 00101101 00101001

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Welcome to the annual meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous, it's good to see so many new faces.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    The problem with religion is that my idea of heaven consists of everything I'd go to hell for.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready for the reaper cushions.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 467 ✭✭ xlogo


    Girl: "Tell me something you've never told anyone else?"


    Me (whispering) " I think the owl people already live among us. "


    Girl: "Who?"


    Me: " Holy crap!"



  • Registered Users Posts: 467 ✭✭ xlogo


    Customs officers have destroyed 1,000 kg of illegally imported Chinese dumplings.

    A spokesman said it was wonton destruction.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a Trebuchet is?

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    If you show up to work stoned every day, they'll never know you're not sober

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    The TV show Casualty is now up to series No 34.

    To keep it true to life, some of the patients from series No 1 are just being seen.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    went to faith healing meeting last night, it was that bad even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 467 ✭✭ xlogo


    Filled my car up last week for €110 but drove off without paying, was up in court today got fined €75.


     


    Follow me for more money saving tips.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Midwife for sale, can deliver.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 467 ✭✭ xlogo


    Got some racing geese for sale .


     


    Let me know if you want a quick gander



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I just signed up for my company’s 401k, but I’m not sure I can run that far

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 16,475 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. Apparently they gave the part to one of the lead actor's children.


    I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 88,704 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    Towels. #1 cause of dry skin.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 467 ✭✭ xlogo



    For Sale:


     


    Crystal Ball £50 but you will haggle me down to £35


     



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    You are not allowed to run in the camp site at Glastonbury. This is because it should be 'Ran' as it's past-tents

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭ Gant21


    This is where Jason Byrne gets his material.



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,556 ✭✭✭✭ blade1


    The bar may be low but he's not even that funny.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭ Gant21




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,304 ✭✭✭ jj880




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,369 ✭✭✭ con___manx1


    Why do polar bears not eat penguin's?

    -

    _


    _

    _

    Because they cant get the wrappers off.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,369 ✭✭✭ con___manx1


    What do you call a blonde behind the wheel?






    An air bag



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,304 ✭✭✭ jj880




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