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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,262 ✭✭✭ Gant21




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,305 ✭✭✭ jj880


    Nah I was messing trying to discourage any non "one liner joke" posts but after that bat flattery post I take it all back - that's gold.



  • Registered Users Posts: 16,489 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    My dog has made an enemy. I can't take him to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him.


    It's my fault. I shouldn't have bought a pure bread.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.

    They've been to Lochaber, no mower. Sutherland, no mower. Lewis, no mower. Skye, no mower.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 78,140 ✭✭✭✭ Victor




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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I wondered why the missus was throwing all my Stephen King books around, Then it hit me

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a book about roadworks...still stuck on page 1

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo



    "Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a supermarket"



    Doctor: "How long have you felt like this?"



    " Since I was Lidl."



  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo


    I said to the girl at B&Q “ what’s best for greasy ovens ? “ 


    She said “ ammonia cleaner “ 


    I said “ sorry I thought you worked here “



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 88,714 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Capt'n Midnight


    I've watched every day of Wimbledon so far.


    Still not seen a Womble.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo



    My wife says I only have 2 faults.


     


    I don’t listen - and something else



  • Registered Users Posts: 16,489 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?




    "Pan'tene".



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    My mate told me he'd got a clock stuck up his arse.


    It was a wind-up

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Dropped a tub of margarine on my foot last month and it still hurts, I can't belive it's not better.

    Post edited by MonkieSocks on

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    19th century missionaries gave South Seas cannibals their first taste of Christianity.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Have you heard about the lizard that couldn't get an erection? He had a reptile dysfunction!

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo


    The manager of John 'O Groats FC has resigned after a heavy defeat to Lands End United, "i ve taken the team as far as they can go" he said



  • Registered Users Posts: 16,489 ✭✭✭✭ everlast75


    I lost my numbered ticket in this waiting room.


    The receptionist just tore me a new one...



  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo


    My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.


    He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8 lcmaths.ie


    Microsoft ending Internet Explorer has really put me on Edge.



  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo


    I hired a handyman to do some work, and gave him a list of things to do


     


    When I got home he'd only done tasks 1,3,and 5


     


    Turned out he was an odd job man



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I couldn't sleep last night, so I read the dictionary;by 3am I was past caring....

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo


    I’m opening a Wham! theme pub called ‘Club Tropiana’


     


     


    All that’s missing is the ‘c’.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    I ordered some German food online, the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 5,712 ✭✭✭ TheBody


    Why did the chicken cross the playground?

    To get to the other slide.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    My therapist told me I can't identify my own emotions and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭ xlogo


    What does the titanic and the sixth sense have in common??


     


    Icey dead people



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    With the rise of self driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,518 ✭✭✭ MonkieSocks


    Necessity is the mother of Invention and there are lots of other people in that family with stupid names.

    Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds



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