How do I get my boyfriend to stop sending me money without seeming ungrat

anon2323 · 22-12-2019 6:53pm #1

Hi all, looking for some advice on this. I made a throwaway account to post.

I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years. He lives in Ireland too but I have to take the train to go see him so we meet up as often as possible (every few weeks). We met online on a bdsm forum website and really hit it off. Initially we had an online Dom/sub dynamic and that developed into a full relationship. He's a great guy and for the most part everything is wonderful. However, he does some things that make me uncomfortable. Our relationship power dynamic is naturally lopsided given our roles as Dom and sub (i'm his sub).

However, this has been made all the more so by all the money he keeps giving me. I've just recently finished my studies and i'm as a broke as any student. As a result, my boyfriend often sends money to cover my expenses. While I am very grateful for his help, I am aware that the money is a loan (he told me this) that I will have to pay back to him once I start working full-time and I feel really over my head with the debt I'm building up with him (around €2000).

He is insistent whenever I refuse and says he doesn't miss the cash so he wants to help me out and he knows I'm good for paying him back. It is a lot of money to me though. I do genuinely need the money so I feel a bit trapped but I would feel more comfortable going without even if it means I can't afford some things. My family and friends don't know about him or our relationship so I'm turning to the internet for advice. How do I politely tell him to not send me money?

micks_address · 22-12-2019 6:54pm

Are you the dominant or submissive in the relationship?

anon2323 wrote: »

Hi all, looking for some advice on this. I made a throwaway account to post.

I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years. We met online on a bdsm forum website and really hit it off. Initially we had an online Dom/sub dynamic and that developed into a full relationship. He's a great guy and for the most part everything is wonderful. However, he does some things that make me uncomfortable. Our relationship power dynamic is naturally lopsided given our roles as Dom and sub.

However, this has been made all the more so by all the money he keeps giving me. I've just recently finished my studies and i'm as a broke as any student. As a result, my boyfriend often sends money to cover my expenses. While I am very grateful for his help, I am aware that the money is a loan (he told me this) that I will have to pay back to him once I start working full-time and I feel really over my head with the debt I'm building up with him (around €2000).

He is insistent whenever I refuse and says he doesn't miss the cash so he wants to help me out and he knows I'm good for paying him back. It is a lot of money to me though. I do genuinely need the money so I feel a bit trapped but I would feel more comfortable going without even if it means I can't afford some things. My family and friends don't know about him or our relationship so I'm turning to the internet for advice. How do I politely tell him to not send me money?

BDI · 22-12-2019 6:55pm

Have you ever met him in real life?

anon2323 · 22-12-2019 6:57pm

micks_address wrote: »

Are you the dominant or submissive in the relationship?

BDI wrote: »

Have you ever met him in real life?

Edited the post to clarify that I do meet up with him regularly. I'm the submissive. Also trend title should read "ungrateful" not "ungrat" obviously

Augme · 22-12-2019 7:01pm

Jist tell you don't want to send him anymore and if keep does send any just send it back straight away. If he persists or makes a big issue of it tell him this is non-negotiable and if he doesn't like to what you want you will finish the relationship.

Sardonicat · 22-12-2019 7:02pm

Stop being polite. This man wants you to be in debt to him. Stop taking his money! Change your bank account. How does he have your bank details in the first place? If he's sending you cash, then send it straight back. Take a long look at this relationship and ask yourself is it going in the direction you want. Once you are no longer comfortable with the balance of power and your concerns about this are not being taken seriously, the relationship has tipped from consensual dom/sub into abusive. Ask yourself, is that starting to happen here?

micks_address · 22-12-2019 7:28pm

Yeah I'd suggest talking about it..just say it makes you uncomfortable. I know the money is probably useful to. Do you feel like there might be expectations put on you to pay it back through your submission? Maybe do things you're uncomfortable with but kinda feel obliged to do as a result of the money?

Augme wrote: »

Jist tell you don't want to send him anymore and if keep does send any just send it back straight away. If he persists or makes a big issue of it tell him this is non-negotiable and if he doesn't like to what you want you will finish the relationship.

cannotlogin · 22-12-2019 7:29pm

Any boyfriend that you have to keep a secret from friends and family is never good news, especially friends, as friends are usually more open minded, if you haven't told anyone I would question why.

tara73 · 22-12-2019 7:36pm

this doesn't sound good. can only echo the above posts.

he seems to want to spread his power role form the bedroom outside of it into the rest of your life indebting you giving him the possibility to make you feel guilty or whatever he's intending.

Tell him unmistakenly you don't want anymore money from him. If he keeps sending it send it back.
I would be really careful with this guy and ask yourself is this the relationship/man you want in the long run or whether you are really compatible. you are so young, so many nice guys your age and in the same situation (building up a live/career/savings) out there for you...

anon2323 · 22-12-2019 10:06pm

Thank you for the replies so far everyone. I definitely have a lot to think about. He has my bank a/c details because he wanted to send me money on my birthday as a present a few years ago.
I think his reasoning behind sending the money is more of a "you don't have to worry about work" thing as if I were working I wouldn't be able to visit him as often as i do. I do indeed to get a job ASAP though. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want the money from him and blew up at me when i recently borrowed money from my parents instead I paid my phone bill.

I am in love with him. I just need to have a reasonable discussion with him about money and how it makes me feel to borrow his and have none of my own. I do have complicated feelings regarding money and failing as an adult regardless as I feel awful that i have barely any money right now. Could i be taking those feelings out on his good intentions?

Sardonicat · 22-12-2019 10:22pm

anon2323 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies so far everyone. I definitely have a lot to think about. He has my bank a/c details because he wanted to send me money on my birthday as a present a few years ago.
I think his reasoning behind sending the money is more of a "you don't have to worry about work" thing as if I were working I wouldn't be able to visit him as often as i do. I do indeed to get a job ASAP though. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want the money from him and blew up at me when i recently borrowed money from my parents instead I paid my phone bill.

I am in love with him. I just need to have a reasonable discussion with him about money and how it makes me feel to borrow his and have none of my own. I do have complicated feelings regarding money and failing as an adult regardless as I feel awful that i have barely any money right now. Could i be taking those feelings out on his good intentions?

So he wants to control your financially. His intentions aren't good. He wants to 'lend' you money but you have no means of paying him back and he doesn't want you to work to gain financial independence because he wants you to visit him when he wants.

You need to get away from this man. Change your bank account and cut off contact. People who love you do not try and hold you back or control you financially. This is not a 'sub/dom' relationship, if the dominance is manifesting outside consensual sex. It's abusive. He's trying to render you powerless and dependent on him. Get away from him now! Is there any way you could move back home?

zapper55 · 22-12-2019 10:39pm

He's loaning you money that you have to pay back which is beyond your means so that you can come see him. That sounds pretty selfish. Does he come visit you?

Forcing a loan on someone because it suits you is so arrogant and entitled. I'd be having a proper talk with him.

22-12-2019 11:46pm

This guy sounds horrific OP. Really scary. You need to seriously re evaluate your relationship choices.

HamSarris · 23-12-2019 12:05am

There’s a 21-year age gap and geographical distance and this guy knows your relationship with him is very tenuous – once your ‘love’ feeling subsides after a couple of months, you’ll really start question the time and effort of getting on the train to meet a man twice your age.

Unless of course you feel so guilty about your indebtedness to him you feel obliged to keep paying him back in sex. So essentially he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you through money. I see him as more a vulnerable type who probably can’t believe his luck getting with a girl half his age – and he’s trying to use a sugardaddy dynamic to keep it going.

In the grand scheme of things, €2000 isn’t much, tell him you’ll pay him back over the next few years.

The moral of the story is that sexual fantasies are temporary ways to release tension and should not interfere practically with your everyday life. You might like a dom partner for 3 hours in a hotel room but not for 3 years as a paranoid, controlling boyfriend.

listermint · 23-12-2019 12:29am

Didn't this form of relationship end up in a missing woman and then a prison sentence.

How confident are you this is a real relationship ?

rainbowtrout · 23-12-2019 1:08am

Get a job, even if it is part time. Get a loan from the credit union for the €2000 you owe him. Pay it back by bank transfer so there is a record. Stop accepting money from him. Send it back straight away. It's not well intentioned. He says he wants to pay for stuff for you and he can afford it, but it's a loan he knows you can't afford. So you are indebted to him. That shifts the power dynamic way beyond the dom/sub thing. He also doesn't want you to work which means you don't have a way of becoming financially independent of him. If you have to go without non-essentials, so be it. If he is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable then it's not love by any stretch of the imagination.

What's in it for you? You visit him on the train every few weeks, no sign of him visiting you.

Batgurl · 23-12-2019 2:06am

I’m gonna go against the grain here op and point out that you can easily turn this around here if you want. Tell him you will happily take his money as a loving partner in a committed relationship, but you will no longer consider it a loan. And he should have no expectations that you will
pay him back.

If that doesn’t stop him sending you money, then maybe he is genuinely doing it to be nice.

qwerty13 · 23-12-2019 4:57am

HamSarris wrote: »

There’s a 21-year age gap and geographical distance and this guy knows your relationship with him is very tenuous – once your ‘love’ feeling subsides after a couple of months, you’ll really start question the time and effort of getting on the train to meet a man twice your age.

Unless of course you feel so guilty about your indebtedness to him you feel obliged to keep paying him back in sex. So essentially he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you through money. I see him as more a vulnerable type who probably can’t believe his luck getting with a girl half his age – and he’s trying to use a sugardaddy dynamic to keep it going.

In the grand scheme of things, €2000 isn’t much, tell him you’ll pay him back over the next few years.

The moral of the story is that sexual fantasies are temporary ways to release tension and should not interfere practically with your everyday life. You might like a dom partner for 3 hours in a hotel room but not for 3 years as a paranoid, controlling boyfriend.

This. All this.

A sexual fantasy has been translated into real life. By him. Where sexual Dom / Sub is now morphing into reality life. Be very very careful OP. He is now dominating you in the real world, and you are accepting it. Ask yourself why you are doing this?

You have a willing sexual power disparity. An age disparity. A financial disparity. And now a Dom/Sub financial ‘relationship’.

Is he your boyfriend, or is he getting to play out his Dom/Sub fantasy in real life with a far younger, less experienced, financially dependent woman

anon2323 · 23-12-2019 3:11pm

Thanks for your replies. Just to clarify he has never visited me because I still live in my family home. I don't mind traveling to see him. I am going to see him on Stephen's Day and spending 3 days there so I'll have an opportunity then to talk to him and tell him that I don't want him to send me more money and organise repayments. I don't want to cut him off and just not pay him back. That would be childish.

I have taken into account what has been said here but I do want to salvage the relationship. The money issue is really our only big problem.

hairyprincess · 23-12-2019 4:05pm

Can I ask why your family and friends are not aware of your relationship? You have been with him for the last four years, it seems odd.

anon2323 · 23-12-2019 4:28pm

hairyprincess wrote: »

Can I ask why your family and friends are not aware of your relationship? You have been with him for the last four years, it seems odd.

It is odd, I agree. We decided to keep it secret mostly because of his age and our relationship dynamic I suppose. In a way I enjoy being in our own bubble but it is also challenging.

Dial Hard · 23-12-2019 4:47pm

Please tell someone where you're going and who with for the few days after Christmas.

zapper55 · 23-12-2019 4:51pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Please tell someone where you're going and who with for the few days after Christmas.

I was going to say the exact same thing. Please tell someone his address.

Also you are travelling to see a guy who you are in a secret relationship with and will discuss something with him that is likely to make him unhappy, by yourself.

There are many red flags here. Be honest with yourself. Are you in this self imposed bubble as if people did know they'd be understandably concerned?

Heres Johnny · 23-12-2019 4:57pm

anon2323 wrote: »

It is odd, I agree. We decided to keep it secret mostly because of his age and our relationship dynamic I suppose. In a way I enjoy being in our own bubble but it is also challenging.

Has he asked you to keep it a secret? There's no future in this and its going to end badly. He is controlling you, pure and simple. Financially and emotionally.
You're probably not going to take advice about your relationship from random people on the Internet as you're blinded by love/lust, I get that, but please take my advice and tell the story of your relationship and everything that goes on in it to a trusted friend. Just one, and see what they say to you.

Read this article and see how many similarities there are between your situation and what's described in the article, I saw many straight away.

https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

LuciX · 23-12-2019 5:01pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Get a job, even if it is part time. Get a loan from the credit union for the €2000 you owe him. Pay it back by bank transfer so there is a record. Stop accepting money from him.

She already has a job.
She just doesn't want to admit it

It's the oldest profession in the world :rolleyes:

GingerLily · 23-12-2019 6:10pm

How much of the money that you "owe" his is directly linked to expenses you have visiting him?

You shouldn't be paying any of that back

Lotus Flower · 23-12-2019 7:40pm

anon2323 wrote: »

It is odd, I agree. We decided to keep it secret mostly because of his age and our relationship dynamic I suppose. In a way I enjoy being in our own bubble but it is also challenging.

You can tell people of your relationship without having to reveal the dynamics of the dom/ sub thing. My first thought on reading this was he's married/ in a relationship with someone else. As for the money thing, that's alarming, he's not doing it out of generosity or to help you, but to wield money and power over you so you're beholden to him. He knows it will inevitably end (he's pushing 50 and probably cant believe his luck) so this is going to be his trump card "she used me for my money and owes me 2k")

Think about it, if a female friend had a boyfriend for four years but told no one, would you not think it odd? Better to meet someone closer to your own age you can actually have a normal relationship with, must be tough having a relationship where you can't bring him to family events or socialising with friends. You deserve better than this dodgy situation that has so many red flags

ETA: he knows the only advantage he has over guys in your age range is that he has more money than the average twenty something guy. And the not wanting you to work so you can see him is also alarming- he should be supporting you gaining financial independence, this is not the 50s, dom/ sub relationship or not. I don't want to sound patronising but you are young and I guarantee you will be kicking yourself in years to come wondering why you tolerated this unequal relationship for so long.

Lotus Flower · 23-12-2019 7:45pm

listermint wrote: »

Didn't this form of relationship end up in a missing woman and then a prison sentence.

How confident are you this is a real relationship ?

I thought of this too

Heres Johnny · 23-12-2019 8:11pm

Just on the age thing, it's unusual but not in itself any way wrong. Just taking it a bit personally some of the comments, although not quite as big a gap I'm 38 and my fiance is 25.....she is in a 40k a year job already though and has her own finances so similarities end there.

Lotus Flower · 23-12-2019 8:20pm

Heres Johnny wrote: »

Just on the age thing, it's unusual but not in itself any way wrong. Just taking it a bit personally some of the comments, although not quite as big a gap I'm 38 and my fiance is 25.....she is in a 40k a year job already though and has her own finances so similarities end there.

That's a bit different. Without wanting to drag the thread off topic, there's a 13 year gap which isn't that much, the OP is literally young enough to be her bf's daughter, that coupled with the fact that no one knows about their relationship and he's using money to control her and dissuading her from getting work and financial independence (especially after she has studied). There is no point in you taking any comments here personally.

anon2323 · 24-12-2019 1:24pm

Hi, so I read the article about financial abuse linked earlier by another poster and I don't think that is what this is. I know it's easy to assume the worst given our age difference and all that stuff. Thanks though as I am now more aware now of what to look out for in the future.

For now, I'm in quite deep in that he knows everything about me, all my personal details. I felt like I knew him very well too but I now I'm not sure. I need to find out more and decide how I feel.

I will tell a friend where I'm going after Christmas and try give her some details of my relationship with him. Although I have a feeling I know exactly what she's going to say.

I will update you all once I can have a proper talk with him about everything.

Thanks again.

How do I get my boyfriend to stop sending me money without seeming ungrat

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