How do I get my boyfriend to stop sending me money without seeming ungrat

anon2323

Thanks all again for suggesting I should call Women's Aid. Tried a couple of times and finally managed to work up to talking to them about some of what was going on. They seconded the really good advice everyone gave here about how to handle things and I felt really in control of everything for a day or two.

However I've been trying to change all my social media accounts like suggested too but he kept popping up everywhere and I started to eventually reply to his messages and now I feel I have wasted everyone's time because I haven't been able to cut him off. I know in my head I have to block him but I need him in a way and I've definitely wasted all of your time because everything has gone back to how it was.

I'm not sure if Mods will want to lock or close this thread? Thanks to everyone for trying to help. Maybe it helps someone else.

El_Duderino 09

That was an unexpected plot twist.

Getting back with this guy is a terrible idea and I think you know that. Ultimately it’s your life to do with what you wish. I sincerely hope you cut ties with him and move on with your life.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

anon2323 wrote: »

Thanks all again for suggesting I should call Women's Aid. Tried a couple of times and finally managed to work up to talking to them about some of what was going on. They seconded the really good advice everyone gave here about how to handle things and I felt really in control of everything for a day or two.

However I've been trying to change all my social media accounts like suggested too but he kept popping up everywhere and I started to eventually reply to his messages and now I feel I have wasted everyone's time because I haven't been able to cut him off. I know in my head I have to block him but I need him in a way and I've definitely wasted all of your time because everything has gone back to how it was.

I'm not sure if Mods will want to lock or close this thread? Thanks to everyone for trying to help. Maybe it helps someone else.

Please, please just tell someone that you know in real life, a family member or a friend.

You haven't failed, you just need to reset.

Let me guess, what did he say - some what happened was your fault and no things didn't really happen the way you imagined it???

Read back over your posts here and remember how you felt when he had you in the house (nobody knew you were there, nobody would even know you were in danger).

This guy seems to be manipulating you, take your chance now to make a clean break. You deserve more than this.

antoinolachtnai

This is not going to be easy. It might take a few attempts. You will need to make a plan to get out of this. But please don’t give up. No one is disappointed or let down because things didn’t work out. This might be the he hardest thing you ever do. Be kind to yourself.

Please call Women’s Aid again. They won’t be angry or even surprised to hear how things worked out. They deal with situations like this frequently, it’s what they are set up to do. It’s not easy to escape a person or situation like this. See if you can sit down face to face with someone at WA to discuss this.

We are all thinking of you. Please keep safe.

This is it

anon2323 wrote: »

Thanks all again for suggesting I should call Women's Aid. Tried a couple of times and finally managed to work up to talking to them about some of what was going on. They seconded the really good advice everyone gave here about how to handle things and I felt really in control of everything for a day or two.

However I've been trying to change all my social media accounts like suggested too but he kept popping up everywhere and I started to eventually reply to his messages and now I feel I have wasted everyone's time because I haven't been able to cut him off. I know in my head I have to block him but I need him in a way and I've definitely wasted all of your time because everything has gone back to how it was.

I'm not sure if Mods will want to lock or close this thread? Thanks to everyone for trying to help. Maybe it helps someone else.

What's the plan next time he's violent and/or won't let you leave?

rainbowtrout

anon2323 wrote: »

Thanks all again for suggesting I should call Women's Aid. Tried a couple of times and finally managed to work up to talking to them about some of what was going on. They seconded the really good advice everyone gave here about how to handle things and I felt really in control of everything for a day or two.

However I've been trying to change all my social media accounts like suggested too but he kept popping up everywhere and I started to eventually reply to his messages and now I feel I have wasted everyone's time because I haven't been able to cut him off. I know in my head I have to block him but I need him in a way and I've definitely wasted all of your time because everything has gone back to how it was.

I'm not sure if Mods will want to lock or close this thread? Thanks to everyone for trying to help. Maybe it helps someone else.

You don't need him. He is a danger to you. You know this. You just need to block him, do not respond to any of his messages. He is going to up the ante now that he knows you are breaking free, this is when you are at your most vulnerable and he is at his most dangerous.

Do you want a repeat of being trapped in his house and nobody knowing where you are? Is the short term mild discomfort that you might experience in telling someone about him worse than what might potentially happen to you if you go back to him????

ldy4mxonucwsq6

If you were my daughter, my friend, my sister I would want you tell me so I could help you get out of this situation and move on to better things.

Lotus Flower

Gutted to read the latest update OP, you do not need him in any way, shape or form, he has chipped away at your self esteem and made you feel that way but it's not true. Please don't resign yourself to a life with this controlling bully and abuser, you deserve so, so much better

Read up on Graham Dwyer and Elaine O'Hara and recognise the parallels. Sorry if that sounds harsh or extreme but it has to be said

punisher5112

You need him as much as I need a chocalate engine.....

Seriously op get a friend or family member to delete all your accounts and do no contact.
Change your phone number too.

Not that difficult to text or WhatsApp everyone who needs it....

DO NOT GO BACK.....

He is abusive and has abused you emotionally and physically.

How in the hell could you go back to a person that may well not let you leave next time.

I'm out anyway, I do hope you're not a troll a d you get your head straight and cop on and get away.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

OP this is going to be hard, you were off to a flying start there, a bit of backsliding is disappointing but not hugely surprising.

You do not need him. Every interaction with him is going to make you feel like that, or feel some other way that's false. Tbh, maybe you don't need social media right now, it gives him an avenue to you. Have you spoken to women's aid since you've been back in contact?

You're not wasting anyone's time. All of us are giving our time freely ok.

The fact you're still posting here is good. You know this isn't right and on some level you know the situation can be changed. Please keep trying.

elfy4eva

This is a very sad end to a dramatic story and I hope in my heart it has all been a work of fiction from a very bored person. I can't for the life of me understand fetish relationships that involve spilling over into dominion over a person's everyday life. It feels chilling and evil.

However on the benefit of the doubt that this has not all been a wind up. Get out of it NOW.

1. You don't need him you may have enjoyed the kink and the loans of money but you're your own person and capable of being a peer in a functional non abusive relationship.

2. Ignore all the threats he has made they're a load of bollox. Don't even think twice about them.

3. Go home to your parents and tell them what has happened it may be humiliating to you but you need a support structure in them. You do not have to go into the sexual detail just tell them he's trying to control you, youre in over your head. They might get angry and frustrated but ultimately they will support you and help you get through this. They will help prevent you slipping back to him. And by doing this yourself you are taking power away from him.

4. Cut ALL contact. Delete ALL your social media and your fetish site account and get yourself a new SIM card and phone number. Go to a new bank open an account and close your old account. Do not leave ANY breadcrumbs for him to follow. If you receive any personal letters to your parents house do not read them.

5. Get yourself to counselling I think you might have underlying personality/anxiety issues.

6. Don't contact him yourself ever again for the love of God.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

Alpha_Zero, your post falls below the standard expected in PI. Sexist language is not acceptable, especially when directed at the OP.

Posters are reminded to have advice for the OP, or don't post.

cannotlogin

OP, your caught in between knowing what is the right thing to do for your own safety and wanting to go back. You know you have to cut all ties so don't give up and get sucked back in after the first setback.

Think of it like an addiction, No one would ever give up cigarettes, alcohol etc., if they didn't persist again after the first stumble. You need to do this for you no matter how difficult it might seem. Set yourself some goals, try to keep to as many as possible.

1. Delete him from every possible contact- phone, social media etc.

2. Promise yourself you will continue to contact women's aid every time you are struggling

3. Tell someone close to you, a friend or family member

4. Set up counselling- if cost is an issue, college counsellors and mymind.ie will do cheaper rates

5. Find other things to distract you, fitness, hobbies, study etc.

6. As another poster mentioned, read up on the Elaine O'Hara case, the similarities are stricking

7. Promise yourself you will never meet face to face again - even if you cannot cut communication - make this one thing an absolute guarantee, it's too dangerous to do so

8. Explain to yourself or even to us why you think you need him. For ever reason you have, there's a million reasons why you don't

9. If money is an issue, there are also other options worth considering, student support, st Vincent de Paul, Peter McVerry etc. Ask friends/family, anything but this man

10. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to look after you and know that you need better than this.

I'm just a stranger on the internet and am begging you not to go near this man for your own safety. Your friends and family would care even more. Find the strenght to stay away and lean on ever resource possible to help you achieve that. I know it's not easy but it's essential.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

OP, just try hard to picture one of your close female friends or relatives coming to you and telling you that this situation was happening to them.

How would you feel? What would you advise them to do? What would your instinctive reaction be?

woodchuck

I know in my head I have to block him but I need him in a way and I've definitely wasted all of your time because everything has gone back to how it was.

I'm not sure if Mods will want to lock or close this thread? Thanks to everyone for trying to help. Maybe it helps someone else.

OP if you wish for the thread to be closed, we can of course do that for you. However please don't think that you are wasting anyones time here. You are absolutely not. You are in a very difficult situation and even though you logically know what needs to be done, it can be very difficult to do. Especially when you're dealing with a expert manipulator.

Although your experience has been horrible, at least it has helped you see his true colours. I think you should continue to block him in so far as possible on all of your accounts. You will probably need to do this repeatedly. As hard as it is, try not to engage with him. I'd also recommend keeping a log of every attempt he is making to contact you as it could come in useful if you decide to involve the guards.

Fakediamond

I found this, re myths and facts on domestic violence relationships:
(Source: Myths & Facts about Domestic Violence | Domestic Violence Intervention Program. (n.d.). Retrieved August 09, 2016, from http://www.dvipiowa.org/myths-facts-about-domestic-violence)
_______________________________________________________________

When many people hear that someone is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, their first question is, “Why don’t they leave?” If you’ve never been through an abusive relationship, this sort of response might seem logical. Just throw the deuces up and move on with your life – right? But here’s the thing – when it comes to relationship abuse, it’s never as easy as “just leaving.” We’re here to tell you why.

Leaving an abusive relationship is hard for many reasons. Here are 10 of the many reasons that someone in an unhealthy or toxic situation might stay with their partner.



1. Society normalizes unhealthy behavior so people may not understand that their relationship is abusive.
When you think that unhealthy or abusive behaviors are normal, it’s hard to identify your relationship as abusive and therefore there’s no reason to seek help.


2. Emotional abuse destroys your self-esteem, making it feel impossible to start fresh.
Oftentimes, people in emotionally abusive relationships may not understand that they are being abused because there’s no violence involved. Also, many will dismiss or downplay emotional abuse because they don’t think it’s as bad as physical abuse. It’s hard for those in abusive relationships to leave their partners after they’ve continuously been made to feel worthless and like there’s no better option for themselves.


3. The Cycle of Abuse: after every abusive incident comes a make-up honeymoon phase.
Often when an abusive situation happens, it is followed by the abuser doing something nice or apologizing and promising that they will never do it again. This makes their partner minimize the original abusive behavior.


4. It’s dangerous to leave. Like, VERY dangerous.
Many times, leaving an abusive relationship is not only emotionally difficult, but can also be life-threatening. In fact, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is post break-up. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving their abusive partner than at any other time during the relationship.

The best way to protect yourself if you are in an abusive relationship is to create a safety plan.


5. It’s not just hard to breakup safely, it’s also hard to escape the cycle of control.
People in abusive relationships often attempt to break up with their partner several times before the break up sticks. On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times before finally leaving for good. People in abusive relationships often attempt to break up with their partner several times before the break up sticks.

6. Society perpetuates a ride-or-die mindset.
Those in unhealthy or abusive relationships might stay with their partner or get back together after a break up because they feel pressure to not give up, forgive and forget or “ride it out.” Pop culture glamorizes being a “ride-or-die” for your friends and partner, making people out to be in the wrong for leaving their partner. And while being loyal is a great thing, a good friend or partner would never endanger or hurt you.


7. They feel personally responsible for their partner or their behavior.
After a conflict, an abuser will turn the situation around and make their partner feel guilty or as though they are somehow at fault. This type of behavior is known as gaslighting.


8. They believe that if they stick it out, things might change.
A lot of people in abusive relationships stay in them because they love their partner and think that things will change. They might also believe their partner’s behavior is due to tough times or feel as though they can change their partner if they are a better partner themselves. Never stay in a relationship in which you count on someone to change their behavior for the better.


9. There is social pressure to be in a perfect relationship.
There is incredible pressure to be in a perfect relationship, and some cultures and social media only accentuate this pressure.


10. Fear of how others will react.
People in abusive relationships often feel embarrassed to admit that their partner is abusive for fear of being judged, blamed, marginalized, pitied or looked down on. For example, in some LGBTQIA relationships, someone may stay with their partner for fear of being outed.


There are lots of elements that influence a person’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship. And while seeking help to get out of these relationships is the most important thing, blaming someone in an abusive relationship is never okay. There is a big difference between judgment and responsibility. While someone might have used bad judgment by staying in an unhealthy or dangerous situation, it does not mean that they are responsible, or asking, for the abuse perpetrated against them.

MissShihTzu

Honeydew3456 wrote: »

Hi Op,
As advised, threaten the guards if need be and please please please block him everywhere.

I wouldn't threaten the Gards. I'd do it. I know it's nasty, embarrassing and frightening, but do it. This joker sounds seriously deluded. He won't want to be exposed as the nasty little bully he is.

Honeydew3456

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I wouldn't threaten the Gards. I'd do it. I know it's nasty, embarrassing and frightening, but do it. This joker sounds seriously deluded. He won't want to be exposed as the nasty little bully he is.

Yes, absolutely threats are no good with this type of predator.

I am so sorry to hear your update OP if you are still reading know this:

That man has abused the very core of a sub/dom relationship - trust. He has also taken it outside the bedroom in a very f***ed up way.

He is in fact a dirty old man taking advantage of a young woman with a kink.

He is dangerous and has no respect for you i.e. the physical abuse and holding you in the house against your will.

He will happily have you waste your future career on him i.e. trying to get you to work in a shop beside him.

He will happily have you waste the best years of your life on him i.e. you have told no one about him and are closed off to kinky men your own age.

He will happily try to erode your confidence and self esteem and destroy your self worth. That's not a caring partner. That is evil and twisted.

He will try to scare you if your decisions are not to his liking i.e. telling you he will make sure you never get a loan again.

This will end at some stage, maybe not this year or next but end it will and without doubt you will be full of regret on what you have given and wasted on this nobody.

My hope is that at the end, when he has finally gone, that his toxic treatment of you has not destroyed your chances of having a future, happy, healthy relationship.

Your physical safety is a major concern. Why do you think so little of yourself not to protect yourself?

As advised previously it is of priority for you to exposure him to someone, so that he knows he is now known in your circle and to then make a statement to the guards. You need to protect yourself.

tea and coffee

The fact that he is "popping up everywhere on Social media" Is deliberate by him to try and reel you back in. Don't fall for it - he liked his power trip dynamic and will try all sorts of manipulation to keep it going.

Sharp MZ700

I wish you'd post again OP, be very careful with this guy, it's not normal or healthy the way he's behaving.
You can and have seen the red flags, don't ignore them. Trust your gut, this relationship is very toxic, end it and talk to someone, anyone. You won't believe the freedom and self worth you'll feel when you do. You'll be Free!!

marieholmfan

If you do go out with him OK do it as his girl friend and save the sex slave stuff for the bedroom.

Do you want to do all the normal stuff that couples do with this man?

Normalise the relationship and just have a kinky sex life.


You probably need to accept that you won't have children though.

El_Duderino 09

marieholmfan wrote: »

If you do go out with him OK do it as his girl friend and save the sex slave stuff for the bedroom.

Do you want to do all the normal stuff that couples do with this man?

Normalise the relationship and just have a kinky sex life.


You probably need to accept that you won't have children though.

You're in for a whopping thread when you actually read it.

Skip to OP's post on 28 December. It's about 3 or 4 pages into the thread depending on what device you're viewing on.

punisher5112

marieholmfan wrote: »

If you do go out with him OK do it as his girl friend and save the sex slave stuff for the bedroom.

Do you want to do all the normal stuff that couples do with this man?

Normalise the relationship and just have a kinky sex life.


You probably need to accept that you won't have children though.

She was taken hostage and held against her will.

Terrible advice, you really should read everything before commenting.

marieholmfan

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

You're in for a whopping thread when you actually read it.

Skip to OP's post on 28 December. It's about 3 or 4 pages into the thread depending on what device you're viewing on.

I've read the thread and had read it before commenting ;
thanks. She has got back together with him. Clearly it's a tempestuous relationship.

Xaniaj

marieholmfan wrote: »

I've read the thread and had read it before commenting ;
thanks. She has got back together with him. Clearly it's a tempestuous relationship.

Tempestuous? That's an interesting word for abusive.

El_Duderino 09

Xaniaj wrote: »

Tempestuous? That's an interesting word for abusive.

Yes, but they're choosing an abusive relationship with eyes wide open. They know what they're getting into. If someone chooses an abusive relationship, is it abusive or just tempestuous? If you choose to be abused, is it really abuse?

rainbowtrout

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Yes, but they're choosing an abusive relationship with eyes wide open. They know what they're getting into. If someone chooses an abusive relationship, is it abusive or just tempestuous? If you choose to be abused, is it really abuse?

Oh FFS. Lot's of people end up in abusive relationships and they know that the relationship is wrong/abusive. They end up in the them for many reasons, because they have no confidence/self-esteem - often because their abuser has eroded it over a long period of time; sometimes because they haven't ever known any other type of relationship; sometimes because they are afraid of the repercussions if they try to get away - better the devil you know.

It's no wonder people find it hard to ask for help with attitudes like the above

El_Duderino 09

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Oh FFS. Lot's of people end up in abusive relationships and they know that the relationship is wrong/abusive. They end up in the them for many reasons, because they have no confidence/self-esteem - often because their abuser has eroded it over a long period of time; sometimes because they haven't ever known any other type of relationship; sometimes because they are afraid of the repercussions if they try to get away - better the devil you know.

It's no wonder people find it hard to ask for help with attitudes like the above

I didn't suggest anyone shouldn't get help if they ask for it. I agree that people choose abusive relationships for various reasons. We're posting in a thread where someone is actively choosing to get into an abusive relationship, knowing that it's going to be abusive. It's genuinely fascinating to know that people behave like that.

But obviously, anyone who asks for help should get it (genuinely incredible that I've to say that).

woodchuck

Mod note:

El_Duderino 09, suggesting that people actually choose to be in abusive relationships is ignorant at best and victim blaming at worst - something I will not tolerate in this thread.

Please only post if you have advice to offer the OP about how they can improve their current situation.

El_Duderino 09

OP don't get into a relationship with this bloke. He's shown you how he views your relationship and he will be abusive towards you. He's a bad egg from the info you've given about him in this thread. You don't deserve the way this bloke will treat you.

I hope you decide not to get into a relationship with this abusive bloke or any other abusive bloke. There's no mystery about how he'll treat you, he will almost certainly be abusive towards you.