How do I get my boyfriend to stop sending me money without seeming ungrat

bitofabind

What future does this have if you’re not comfortable integrating him into your life and introducing him to family and friends after 4 years?

When you’re 35 he’ll be closing in on 60. Do you want kids? Unless you start now he’ll be in his 80s when they’re college age. What would your parents think of him? He’s closer in age to them than you. Would any of your friends like him?

You say there’s no other issues except this money thing, that can’t be true though can it? Unless you’re happy to have a secret relationship where you visit your fella for a few days every few weeks for the foreseeable future.

woodchuck

LuciX wrote: »

She already has a job.
She just doesn't want to admit it
It's the oldest profession in the world :rolleyes:

Mod warning:

LuciX, your post falls well short of the standard expected here in PI/RI. As you're relatively new here, I won't go straight to a card. But I suggest you familiarise yourself with the charter before posting here again.

afterglow

Hi @anon2323
do you live the lifestyle 24/7 or just in the bedroom? because if its crossing, or has crossed over from the latter to the former, insidiously so you didn't know, or indeed, if this is happening without your consent, then I don't need to tell you, this is now no longer safe, sane, consensual D/S
if it has indeed strayed outside of this, then OP, please, please please, be careful
do you have other connections in the BDSM world? do you have anyone, even if you don't know them well, that you would even kinda trust, enough to explain what's going on?
I can tell you that proper doms, would not treat their subs like this, because above all, as you know, i hope you do anyway, D/S is about respect, and creating, and adhering to boundaries, and this, by the sounds of things, is not what's happening here
Sub you may be, and I hope you can see from the way this reply is written, there's no condemnation here, bear in mind also, D/S can seem like straight up abuse to those who are not familiar, what I am saying though, is that outside of the D/S relationship dynamic, you are someone who should have, and deserves to have, their needs, wishes, wants, likes and dislikes, respected
I wish you the best of luck, please stay safe and as I say, find someone you trust and explain stuff, just in case

ILoveYourVibes

Tell him you can't handle the debt.

Guys it doesn't sound like she is in danger etc. I think you are over reacting.

Batgurl wrote: »

I’m gonna go against the grain here op and point out that you can easily turn this around here if you want. Tell him you will happily take his money as a loving partner in a committed relationship, but you will no longer consider it a loan. And he should have no expectations that you will
pay him back.

If that doesn’t stop him sending you money, then maybe he is genuinely doing it to be nice.

he might not be in a position to do that ...plus its probably gonna make the op feel really awkward to have to say that.

Honestly this is why i feel if people want to help out ...they should just help out and not make it a loan.

I guess the worry would be if she did that ..then he would feel she has to stay with him...which she SHOULDNT

You can't really just TELL someone you have loaned money from them that its no longer a loan. She could discuss it with him And see how he feels about it.

How do you feel about this NOT being a loan etc? Do you feel ok about it?

If he doesn't you kind of have to factor that in. If he does feel ok about it not being a loan etc ...then she has less pressure to worry about.

If she feels ok about that herself.

So the dom /sub thing has kinda crossed over to life ...but i don't think he is dangerous ..i think from his point of view he is trying to be nice.

The secrecy tho....hmm if you want a long term relationship ..that's not gonna work.

Lotus Flower

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Tell him you can't handle the debt.

Guys it doesn't sound like she is in danger etc. I think you are over reacting.



he might not be in a position to do that ...plus its probably gonna make the op feel really awkward to have to say that.

Honestly this is why i feel if people want to help out ...they should just help out and not make it a loan.

I guess the worry would be if she did that ..then he would feel she has to stay with him...which she SHOULDNT

You can't really just TELL someone you have loaned money from them that its no longer a loan. She could discuss it with him And see how he feels about it.

How do you feel about this NOT being a loan etc? Do you feel ok about it?

If he doesn't you kind of have to factor that in. If he does feel ok about it not being a loan etc ...then she has less pressure to worry about.

If she feels ok about that herself.

So the dom /sub thing has kinda crossed over to life ...but i don't think he is dangerous ..i think from his point of view he is trying to be nice.

The secrecy tho....hmm if you want a long term relationship ..that's not gonna work.

If she wants a long term relationship? She already has one and no one knows about it. They're together 4 years. You might say that people are overreacting but whatever way you cut it, people not knowing about them after 4 years is not normal.

Fakediamond

If he is giving you money that you haven’t asked for, then it isn’t a loan, it’s a gift. That’s on him and can’t be used as a means of controlling you. I agree with the other posters, he is using those “loans” as a way of keeping you beholden to him, it’s a bit like being an indentured slave, you will always have bills etc to pay and will never be able to get ahead of those on top of repayments to him as well. He knows this, even if you can’t see it.

While an age gap isn’t necessarily an issue in relationships, it’s the power differential that’s the issue. Your relationship has an unequal balance of power in terms of age, finances and maturity. You met him when you were only 21, I don’t think any of us thought that we were fully mature at age 21 so he has always had the upper hand in terms of maturity and life experience and you have grown up in his shadow, so to speak.

tara73

anon2323 wrote: »

I will tell a friend where I'm going after Christmas and try give her some details of my relationship with him. Although I have a feeling I know exactly what she's going to say.

yes, she will say what roughly 100% of the posters here say and you are still defending the set up.
I don't think you are really taking anything here on board and there's so much good advice or wise thoughts written down here. I ask myself at this stage why you opened the thread and asked the question.

I think we can say whatever we want, you need or want to learn it the hard way. So be it but you can't say you havn't been warned!

Heres Johnny

tara73 wrote: »

yes, she will say what roughly 100% of the posters here say and you are still defending the set up.
I don't think you are really taking anything here on board and there's so much good advice or wise thoughts written down here. I ask myself at this stage why you opened the thread and asked the question.

I think we can say whatever we want, you need or want to learn it the hard way. So be it but you can't say you havn't been warned!

That was my advice for her to speak to a trusted friend and see what advice would be given because I felt the OP wouldn't take advice from strangers.

Now OP agrees that her friend will probably give same advice as you pointed out yourself but looks like it will fall on deaf ears.

I posted in an excellent thread about narcissists and personality disorders about a relationship I found myself in and how it nearly turned into a fatal attraction bunny boiler type horror for me and my new relationship, everyone could see I was being royally f***ed over exceit for me, I ignored so many red flags myself and so many warnings and advice from friends and family. That's why I believe OP needs to talk to those that love her and not just us.

I just didn't listen, because I was in love. Now I look back and kick myself for being stupid (she tried to kill me in the end if anyone wants to read!!)
I was being trapped by emotional blackmail in such a way that OP is being trapped by financial blackmail. Everyone on this thread can see it straight away, the OPs friend will see is straight away and hopefully the OP can see it and start taking on board people's advice.

Now directly to OP, what advice would you give your best friend, your sister or your mother if they told you the story you told us in opening post? Be honest.

leggo

anon2323 wrote: »

I will tell a friend where I'm going after Christmas and try give her some details of my relationship with him. Although I have a feeling I know exactly what she's going to say.

Read this bit you wrote again OP. I have certain friends whose judgement I trust having known them a long time, having had time prove things they’ve said that I’ve disagreed with right, and also just maturing and understanding that when you’re in the throes of something you believe more what you want to believe than what’s actually the case. One friend in particular: if I tell them a situation I’m in and they throw me a certain look, my heart sinks a bit because I’ll know I need to re-think. Looking back there’s yet to be one situation where their doubts have been proven unfounded.

You know what your friend is going to think. This is the person you trust above all others with this info. Listen to that. Fair enough if you don’t want to listen to randoms online, even if they are unanimously pointing in the same direction. But you know the friend you’re choosing to entrust with this will have a certain reaction. You don’t have to do anything specific or drastic here, but at least take a moment to listen to that part of your brain and acknowledge it.

Millionaire only not

Heres Johnny wrote: »

That was my advice for her to speak to a trusted friend and see what advice would be given because I felt the OP wouldn't take advice from strangers.

Now OP agrees that her friend will probably give same advice as you pointed out yourself but looks like it will fall on deaf ears.

I posted in an excellent thread about narcissists and personality disorders about a relationship I found myself in and how it nearly turned into a fatal attraction bunny boiler type horror for me and my new relationship, everyone could see I was being royally f***ed over exceit for me, I ignored so many red flags myself and so many warnings and advice from friends and family. That's why I believe OP needs to talk to those that love her and not just us.

I just didn't listen, because I was in love. Now I look back and kick myself for being stupid (she tried to kill me in the end if anyone wants to read!!)
I was being trapped by emotional blackmail in such a way that OP is being trapped by financial blackmail. Everyone on this thread can see it straight away, the OPs friend will see is straight away and hopefully the OP can see it and start taking on board people's advice.

Now directly to OP, what advice would you give your best friend, your sister or your mother if they told you the story you told us in opening post? Be honest.

I’d also believe if this guy wasn’t giving u money , he’d be partial to giving money to a certain profession for there services !
Wake up darling find someone ur own age for ur alternative lifestyle , pervert playing on younger woman here !
Are u sure he’s not married?

ILoveYourVibes

Lotus Flower wrote: »

If she wants a long term relationship? She already has one and no one knows about it. They're together 4 years. You might say that people are overreacting but whatever way you cut it, people not knowing about them after 4 years is not normal.

I am not sure they are 4 yrs together together ...they may have been roleplaying that length of time as bdsm partners etc.

ILoveYourVibes

OP just tell people you have formed a deeper relationship with someone you have been friends with for a while. You don't need to tell people everything that's enough.

Lotus Flower

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am not sure they are 4 yrs together together ...they may have been roleplaying that length of time as bdsm partners etc.

From the OP: "I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years"

ILoveYourVibes

Lotus Flower wrote: »

From the OP: "I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years"

I thought she indicated it was a bdsm relationship for a while that became something else.

Shrug...it doesn't matter. Either she tells people or she doesn't.

If she is ashamed of him ...something ain't right though.

Lotus Flower

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I thought she indicated it was a bdsm relationship for a while that became something else.

Shrug...it doesn't matter. Either she tells people or she doesn't.

If she is ashamed of him ...something ain't right though.

Shrug... it doesn't matter? Are you seriously saying that if a friend of yours had a boyfriend for 4 whole years and no one knew about it that you wouldn't think it strange? It's not normal and you know it. Can understand keeping it quiet in the beginning but not after 4 years. The only relationships that stay secret for so long are affairs

LegacyUser

The way your Dom/Sub sexual relationship has spilled over into real life doesn't seem healthy to me. I think you are letting what goes on in the bedroom colour your relationship far too much. You are using it to make excuses for what I consider to be the many red flags going on here.

Hiding a relationship for this long is not normal. Living with your parents is no reason for him not to visit. Nor is you being the one who always has to travel.

I am the same age as this man and I wouldn't even consider getting into a relationship with a person of your age. As well as the big age gap, the chasm between a 25 year old and a 46 year old is enormous. I'm not boasting here but I think I could buy and sell your average 25 year old. Many of my peers would too because we've hit that sweet spot in life where we've accumulated lots of life experience, street smarts, have a comfortable life but are still youthful and reasonably attractive.

What I don't understand is why you feel you have to continue the Dom/Sub dynamic in your life outside the bedroom. Many relationships are a bit unbalanced and you'll have one partner calling the shots more than the other. But this reads like a creepy older man/sugar daddy manipulating his young girlfriend. I think that deep down you know this too and this is why you originally started this thread. What sort of future do you foresee with this man if you're already in something so unbalanced? Bedroom antics are one thing. How would it work if you decide to have a family or buy a house or make other big decisions?

As for what to do now, my advice is for you to grow a backbone and learn how to say No. You're in a relationship and it should be respectful. Is that not at the core of every good relationship, regardless of who's the dominant one?

anon2323

Hi all. I'm home from visiting him

I put off having a conversation about the money straight away but it came up when he showed me a CV he had made for me and told me he had been handing them around the shops where he lives and got me a job in the local newsagent. He said this to me like it was great news and I was a bit shocked. We never even discussed me moving down with him. I told him I was applying to jobs in Dublin in the field I studied in and we got into an ugly argument that turned physical which has never happened before. He accused me of not wanting to pay him back and I said I would when I could. I told him I wanted to leave and asked him to drop me back into town so I could get the bus and he refused. He wouldn't let me leave and I got quite scared because I hadn't managed to tell anyone where I was going before I left. I chickened out of telling a friend.

He let me leave yesterday and was very apologetic and lovely but I told him it was over and I never wanted to see him ever again. I assured him that like a poster here said, I would go straight home and take a loan from the credit union and we would be finished and the money would be settled.

He told me that he would only accept in-person cash payments for the money he loaned me and knew a solicitor who could make it so that I would be never able to get a loan from a bank or a credit card if i didn't do it. I'm genuinely sick to my stomach and awfully embarrassed that I couldn't see what he was truly like sooner and I really don't know how to think. Could he do what he says?

I half think things would be easier if i never caused a fuss about it in the first place.

zapper55

I am so glad you are home safe. So glad.

His threat is absolute horsecrap. No solicitor has the magical powers to make that happen. I'm.also very glad you saw his cv ploy as what it was, to control you.

Get that credit union loan and pay him back what he have you minus what the trip over cost you. Text him when the money is transferred over so that you have a written record that youve informed him. Tell him if he gets in contact again you'll go to the guards about him getting physical. Then block him on absolutely everything. And make sure your bank blocks any transfer of money from him.

Also he was an excellent manipulator, of course you couldnt see what he was doing. Be thankful you had the sense to post on boards before you moved to be with him and got pregnant etc.

This isn't about you causing a fuss. This is about you protecting yourself. I would suggest counselling for you after the experience you've had and also because the last 4 years sounds incredibly unhealthy.

tara73

listermint wrote: »

Didn't this form of relationship end up in a missing woman and then a prison sentence.

How confident are you this is a real relationship ?

this post didn't get much recognition but it seems it wasn't too far from the reality..

absolutely shocking this update. Please go to the guards and report this person. For illegal restraint and physical abuse. His attempts to scare you off with his solicitor stuff about the money is laughable. Get the loan and transfer the money to hm asap. You will have a record of giving him the money back.

And please, please, do some work on your self esteem, on your way of seeing others and yourself. Get some professional help from a competent counsellor. You have serious issues with your (mis)perception of people and also yourself. It seems you can't see realities. If you are not doing something about it, I guarantee you, you end up again in a short while in some potential dangerous situation involving whatever form of abuse. I'm really worried about you!!

leggo

Yeah thank god you got out okay and with no actual long-term consequences like pregnancy, complete financial dependence etc. It’s mad that everything that people had warned you about her unravelled so fast, but I guess it was like a thread that just had to be pulled on, and even if you weren’t ready to accept what you were being warned you obviously had some inclination somewhere about all of this. So your gut was spot on warning you, don’t be afraid to listen to it in the future.

Tbh if I was you, after he’s gotten physical, I’d cut all contact and wouldn’t blame you if you told him to **** himself with his money. He can huff and puff all he likes and make whatever threats he wants, there’s little to no legal recourse for personal loans from people. It’s an act of good faith and you never even asked or agreed to take the money off him to begin with, point blank refused at times (hence the thread). Let him sing for it and, if he starts getting threatening, don’t be afraid to use the Gardai to your advantage. The law is all on your side here.

Also don’t feel foolish or anything like that if you need to talk to friends to get support. Most of us have at least one bad ex in our past, it’s how we learn. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, none of this is your fault, and don’t be afraid to seek whatever support you need to deal with this.

Dj Stiggie

anon2323 wrote: »

Hi all. I'm home from visiting him

I put off having a conversation about the money straight away but it came up when he showed me a CV he had made for me and told me he had been handing them around the shops where he lives and got me a job in the local newsagent. He said this to me like it was great news and I was a bit shocked. We never even discussed me moving down with him. I told him I was applying to jobs in Dublin in the field I studied in and we got into an ugly argument that turned physical which has never happened before. He accused me of not wanting to pay him back and I said I would when I could. I told him I wanted to leave and asked him to drop me back into town so I could get the bus and he refused. He wouldn't let me leave and I got quite scared because I hadn't managed to tell anyone where I was going before I left. I chickened out of telling a friend.

He let me leave yesterday and was very apologetic and lovely but I told him it was over and I never wanted to see him ever again. I assured him that like a poster here said, I would go straight home and take a loan from the credit union and we would be finished and the money would be settled.

He told me that he would only accept in-person cash payments for the money he loaned me and knew a solicitor who could make it so that I would be never able to get a loan from a bank or a credit card if i didn't do it. I'm genuinely sick to my stomach and awfully embarrassed that I couldn't see what he was truly like sooner and I really don't know how to think. Could he do what he says?

I half think things would be easier if i never caused a fuss about it in the first place.

Under no circumstances do you give back the money in person, you need a paper trail. And as the above poster said, no solicitor can do that.

You should write down exactly what happened while it's fresh in your mind in case you need to recap what happened later.

If you're close to your parents, it might be a good idea to tell them the situation if you don't want to go to the Gards. You can leave out the BDSM bit with them, but you'll have to be honest with the Gards because it's your word against his.

rainbowtrout

anon2323 wrote: »

He let me leave yesterday and was very apologetic and lovely but I told him it was over and I never wanted to see him ever again. I assured him that like a poster here said, I would go straight home and take a loan from the credit union and we would be finished and the money would be settled.

He told me that he would only accept in-person cash payments for the money he loaned me and knew a solicitor who could make it so that I would be never able to get a loan from a bank or a credit card if i didn't do it. I'm genuinely sick to my stomach and awfully embarrassed that I couldn't see what he was truly like sooner and I really don't know how to think. Could he do what he says?

I half think things would be easier if i never caused a fuss about it in the first place.

Hi OP,

You've had a lucky escape. It's good to hear that you're OK for the most part. First off no solicitor can prevent you getting a loan or a credit card, that is nonsense. That is his last ditch attempt to maintain the 'relationship' and keep control of you.

He does not get to decide how you pay him. Do as you say you will, get the credit union loan. Pay it into his bank account. Give your bank instructions to block any payments from him. Send him a text as suggested above. Send him an email and a registered letter if you have to. But the bank record should be enough evidence anyway.

Then stay well away and cease all communication. Do not contact him or respond to him under any circumstances. He got physical with you and prevented you from leaving his house. He is dangerous.

He might have done up your CV but I'd say there's every chance he didn't hand it in anywhere. But had you moved to live with him, then you would have been entirely dependent on him for everything.

Make a report to the guards anyway. Even if you choose not to take it further. Put it on record. He is depending on your silence and your fear that you will continue to meet him in person to hand over cash. You can be damn sure that if the guards come knocking on his door to make enquiries you won't be hearing much from him again.

You might want to mention some of this to your family. You don't have to go into detail on the BDSM aspect of the relationship. You can simply tell them that you got involved with an older man and the relationship has turned nasty and you need help. If your family care I'm sure they would prefer to know the basics and want to support you rather than here a fraction of what happened the last couple of days ... or what could have happened. He is also trying to use the knowledge that none of your circle of friends/family knows about him to continue his control and abuse. Time to take that control away one way or the other.

Stay safe OP.

tara73

on the reporting to the guards, it's vital but, my feeling is you won't do this out of shame or shyness or still having feelings for this guy. But please, have a think: do you want this experience or worse !! happen to somebody else? I think you have some responsibility now to help prevent this happen to other women.

I'm sure he's already on the internet or wherever on the lookout for another woman he can use and abuse.

Lotus Flower

This line is pretty chilling "I half think things would be easier if i never caused a fuss about it in the first place"

Women in abusive relationships are terrified to make a fuss, afraid of upsetting the apple cart and walking on eggshells constantly.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but am so glad you got away from this awful man.

Lotus Flower

tara73 wrote: »

this post didn't get much recognition but it seems it wasn't too far from the reality..

absolutely shocking this update. Please go to the guards and report this person. For illegal restraint and physical abuse. His attempts to scare you off with his solicitor stuff about the money is laughable. Get the loan and transfer the money to hm asap. You will have a record of giving him the money back.

And please, please, do some work on your self esteem, on your way of seeing others and yourself. Get some professional help from a competent counsellor. You have serious issues with your (mis)perception of people and also yourself. It seems you can't see realities. If you are not doing something about it, I guarantee you, you end up again in a short while in some potential dangerous situation involving whatever form of abuse. I'm really worried about you!!

That relationship was the first thing I thought of also. I was also shocked by some posters saying that he doesn't sound dangerous and people are overreacting. I really feel that women have been taught to quash their instincts and made to feel silly or overreacting but instinct and gut is everything

Honeydew3456

anon2323 wrote: »

He let me leave yesterday and was very apologetic and lovely but I told him it was over and I never wanted to see him ever again. I assured him that like a poster here said, I would go straight home and take a loan from the credit union and we would be finished and the money would be settled.

He told me that he would only accept in-person cash payments for the money he loaned me and knew a solicitor who could make it so that I would be never able to get a loan from a bank or a credit card if i didn't do it.

Hi Op,

You poor poor thing, this must have been so frightening. I can't imagine being kept prisioner after being physically abused. So glad to hear you are home and safe now.

This man is dangerous and manipluative. He does not care for you. Only cares what he can get from you.

Actions speak louder than words and talk is cheap. It doesn't erase what he did to you. He might have been apologetic and lovely afterwards but please do not meet him for in person payments. His rage will be building now. He will try to use words to soften you up and no doubt hold you against your will if you see him in person again.

What a joke saying he can ensure your never get a loan again. Who the f**k does he think he is. It would never happen. A dom bully. Pathetic.

You have a bright future ahead if you stay well away from this man and concentrate on yourself and the type of man that actually deserves you. You gave him 4 years. Enough now.

As advised, threaten the guards if need be and please please please block him everywhere.

Fakediamond

tara73 wrote: »

on the reporting to the guards, it's vital but, my feeling is you won't do this out of shame or shyness or still having feelings for this guy. But please, have a think: do you want this experience or worse !! happen to somebody else? I think you have some responsibility now to help prevent this happen to other women.

I'm sure he's already on the internet or wherever on the lookout for another woman he can use and abuse.

I would agree, log it with the guards, even if you don’t want him prosecuted, it’s for your protection and others. He may go away quietly, or he may not, making the report now will add weight to any complaint that you might have to make in the future. Try and make an appointment with a Garda who specialises in domestic abuse. Don’t worry about being judged, they’ve heard it all before and probably worse.

If you don’t have his bank account details to make the transfer, the credit union will issue a cheque, made out to him, make a photocopy of it and post it to his address. If he chooses not to cash it, that’s his choice.

Block all means of communication, including letters, if he writes to you, return the letter unopened. Do not open or read any communication from him, they will be designed to frighten, control, coerce you, if you don’t look at them, you’ll feel stronger. Delete his texts without reading.

Heres Johnny

Glad you can see it now for what it was, a controlling abusive relationship. He has a very low opinion of you really, giving you money, not wanting you working then even doing a cv for you like you couldn't do it yourself.

Lucky escape, as I said before I was manipulated emotionally in a relationship and couldn't see it for a while but hopefully you're in the clear now.

Be careful in that bdsm world you're living in, by its very nature it attracts some very odd characters.

Toots

OP he's full of crap about damaging your credit rating. He can't do that. You really should report this to the Gardai, I know it is hard, but he assaulted you and it would be no harm to have it on record, just in case.

If he's insisting on in-person cash payments, tell him you'll happily do it in the local garda station. But seriously,he can't force you to do that, and you'd be insane to even consider meeting him again.

Take out a CU loan, transfer the money to him, and then close your bank accounts and open new ones. If he has your bank details he can keep sending money just to mess with you. I'd also change your phone number and email address too. I don't know if he's got your home address, but if he knows where you live, make sure to call the Gardai if you see him lurking around nearby.

cannotlogin

anon2323 wrote: »

I made a throwaway account to post........he does some things that make me uncomfortable.....Our relationship power dynamic is naturally lopsided......this has been made all the more so by all the money he keeps giving me.......I feel really over my head with the debt......He is insistent whenever I refuse........I feel a bit trapped......My family and friends don't know about him or our relationship

I'm glad you're ok but if you look at your opening post, the alarm bells were ringing and you knew it. **** happens and all do stupid stuff at times but what causes you to ignore your gut that there was something badly wrong here? The fact you told no one about him means you were uneasy from the start.

Why go against your own judgment? It's there to keep us safe.