How do I get my boyfriend to stop sending me money without seeming ungrat

anon2323

Hi all, looking for some advice on this. I made a throwaway account to post.

I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years. He lives in Ireland too but I have to take the train to go see him so we meet up as often as possible (every few weeks). We met online on a bdsm forum website and really hit it off. Initially we had an online Dom/sub dynamic and that developed into a full relationship. He's a great guy and for the most part everything is wonderful. However, he does some things that make me uncomfortable. Our relationship power dynamic is naturally lopsided given our roles as Dom and sub (i'm his sub).

However, this has been made all the more so by all the money he keeps giving me. I've just recently finished my studies and i'm as a broke as any student. As a result, my boyfriend often sends money to cover my expenses. While I am very grateful for his help, I am aware that the money is a loan (he told me this) that I will have to pay back to him once I start working full-time and I feel really over my head with the debt I'm building up with him (around €2000).

He is insistent whenever I refuse and says he doesn't miss the cash so he wants to help me out and he knows I'm good for paying him back. It is a lot of money to me though. I do genuinely need the money so I feel a bit trapped but I would feel more comfortable going without even if it means I can't afford some things. My family and friends don't know about him or our relationship so I'm turning to the internet for advice. How do I politely tell him to not send me money?

micks_address

Are you the dominant or submissive in the relationship?

anon2323 wrote: »

Hi all, looking for some advice on this. I made a throwaway account to post.

I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years. We met online on a bdsm forum website and really hit it off. Initially we had an online Dom/sub dynamic and that developed into a full relationship. He's a great guy and for the most part everything is wonderful. However, he does some things that make me uncomfortable. Our relationship power dynamic is naturally lopsided given our roles as Dom and sub.

However, this has been made all the more so by all the money he keeps giving me. I've just recently finished my studies and i'm as a broke as any student. As a result, my boyfriend often sends money to cover my expenses. While I am very grateful for his help, I am aware that the money is a loan (he told me this) that I will have to pay back to him once I start working full-time and I feel really over my head with the debt I'm building up with him (around €2000).

He is insistent whenever I refuse and says he doesn't miss the cash so he wants to help me out and he knows I'm good for paying him back. It is a lot of money to me though. I do genuinely need the money so I feel a bit trapped but I would feel more comfortable going without even if it means I can't afford some things. My family and friends don't know about him or our relationship so I'm turning to the internet for advice. How do I politely tell him to not send me money?

BDI

Have you ever met him in real life?

anon2323

micks_address wrote: »

Are you the dominant or submissive in the relationship?

BDI wrote: »

Have you ever met him in real life?

Edited the post to clarify that I do meet up with him regularly. I'm the submissive. Also trend title should read "ungrateful" not "ungrat" obviously

Augme

Jist tell you don't want to send him anymore and if keep does send any just send it back straight away. If he persists or makes a big issue of it tell him this is non-negotiable and if he doesn't like to what you want you will finish the relationship.

Sardonicat

Stop being polite. This man wants you to be in debt to him. Stop taking his money! Change your bank account. How does he have your bank details in the first place? If he's sending you cash, then send it straight back. Take a long look at this relationship and ask yourself is it going in the direction you want. Once you are no longer comfortable with the balance of power and your concerns about this are not being taken seriously, the relationship has tipped from consensual dom/sub into abusive. Ask yourself, is that starting to happen here?

micks_address

Yeah I'd suggest talking about it..just say it makes you uncomfortable. I know the money is probably useful to. Do you feel like there might be expectations put on you to pay it back through your submission? Maybe do things you're uncomfortable with but kinda feel obliged to do as a result of the money?

Augme wrote: »

Jist tell you don't want to send him anymore and if keep does send any just send it back straight away. If he persists or makes a big issue of it tell him this is non-negotiable and if he doesn't like to what you want you will finish the relationship.

cannotlogin

Any boyfriend that you have to keep a secret from friends and family is never good news, especially friends, as friends are usually more open minded, if you haven't told anyone I would question why.

tara73

this doesn't sound good. can only echo the above posts.

he seems to want to spread his power role form the bedroom outside of it into the rest of your life indebting you giving him the possibility to make you feel guilty or whatever he's intending.

Tell him unmistakenly you don't want anymore money from him. If he keeps sending it send it back.
I would be really careful with this guy and ask yourself is this the relationship/man you want in the long run or whether you are really compatible. you are so young, so many nice guys your age and in the same situation (building up a live/career/savings) out there for you...

anon2323

Thank you for the replies so far everyone. I definitely have a lot to think about. He has my bank a/c details because he wanted to send me money on my birthday as a present a few years ago.
I think his reasoning behind sending the money is more of a "you don't have to worry about work" thing as if I were working I wouldn't be able to visit him as often as i do. I do indeed to get a job ASAP though. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want the money from him and blew up at me when i recently borrowed money from my parents instead I paid my phone bill.

I am in love with him. I just need to have a reasonable discussion with him about money and how it makes me feel to borrow his and have none of my own. I do have complicated feelings regarding money and failing as an adult regardless as I feel awful that i have barely any money right now. Could i be taking those feelings out on his good intentions?

Sardonicat

anon2323 wrote: »

Thank you for the replies so far everyone. I definitely have a lot to think about. He has my bank a/c details because he wanted to send me money on my birthday as a present a few years ago.
I think his reasoning behind sending the money is more of a "you don't have to worry about work" thing as if I were working I wouldn't be able to visit him as often as i do. I do indeed to get a job ASAP though. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want the money from him and blew up at me when i recently borrowed money from my parents instead I paid my phone bill.

I am in love with him. I just need to have a reasonable discussion with him about money and how it makes me feel to borrow his and have none of my own. I do have complicated feelings regarding money and failing as an adult regardless as I feel awful that i have barely any money right now. Could i be taking those feelings out on his good intentions?

So he wants to control your financially. His intentions aren't good. He wants to 'lend' you money but you have no means of paying him back and he doesn't want you to work to gain financial independence because he wants you to visit him when he wants.

You need to get away from this man. Change your bank account and cut off contact. People who love you do not try and hold you back or control you financially. This is not a 'sub/dom' relationship, if the dominance is manifesting outside consensual sex. It's abusive. He's trying to render you powerless and dependent on him. Get away from him now! Is there any way you could move back home?

zapper55

He's loaning you money that you have to pay back which is beyond your means so that you can come see him. That sounds pretty selfish. Does he come visit you?

Forcing a loan on someone because it suits you is so arrogant and entitled. I'd be having a proper talk with him.

This guy sounds horrific OP. Really scary. You need to seriously re evaluate your relationship choices.

HamSarris

There’s a 21-year age gap and geographical distance and this guy knows your relationship with him is very tenuous – once your ‘love’ feeling subsides after a couple of months, you’ll really start question the time and effort of getting on the train to meet a man twice your age.

Unless of course you feel so guilty about your indebtedness to him you feel obliged to keep paying him back in sex. So essentially he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you through money. I see him as more a vulnerable type who probably can’t believe his luck getting with a girl half his age – and he’s trying to use a sugardaddy dynamic to keep it going.

In the grand scheme of things, €2000 isn’t much, tell him you’ll pay him back over the next few years.

The moral of the story is that sexual fantasies are temporary ways to release tension and should not interfere practically with your everyday life. You might like a dom partner for 3 hours in a hotel room but not for 3 years as a paranoid, controlling boyfriend.

listermint

Didn't this form of relationship end up in a missing woman and then a prison sentence.

How confident are you this is a real relationship ?

rainbowtrout

Get a job, even if it is part time. Get a loan from the credit union for the €2000 you owe him. Pay it back by bank transfer so there is a record. Stop accepting money from him. Send it back straight away. It's not well intentioned. He says he wants to pay for stuff for you and he can afford it, but it's a loan he knows you can't afford. So you are indebted to him. That shifts the power dynamic way beyond the dom/sub thing. He also doesn't want you to work which means you don't have a way of becoming financially independent of him. If you have to go without non-essentials, so be it. If he is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable then it's not love by any stretch of the imagination.

What's in it for you? You visit him on the train every few weeks, no sign of him visiting you.

Batgurl

I’m gonna go against the grain here op and point out that you can easily turn this around here if you want. Tell him you will happily take his money as a loving partner in a committed relationship, but you will no longer consider it a loan. And he should have no expectations that you will
pay him back.

If that doesn’t stop him sending you money, then maybe he is genuinely doing it to be nice.

qwerty13

HamSarris wrote: »

There’s a 21-year age gap and geographical distance and this guy knows your relationship with him is very tenuous – once your ‘love’ feeling subsides after a couple of months, you’ll really start question the time and effort of getting on the train to meet a man twice your age.

Unless of course you feel so guilty about your indebtedness to him you feel obliged to keep paying him back in sex. So essentially he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you through money. I see him as more a vulnerable type who probably can’t believe his luck getting with a girl half his age – and he’s trying to use a sugardaddy dynamic to keep it going.

In the grand scheme of things, €2000 isn’t much, tell him you’ll pay him back over the next few years.

The moral of the story is that sexual fantasies are temporary ways to release tension and should not interfere practically with your everyday life. You might like a dom partner for 3 hours in a hotel room but not for 3 years as a paranoid, controlling boyfriend.

This. All this.

A sexual fantasy has been translated into real life. By him. Where sexual Dom / Sub is now morphing into reality life. Be very very careful OP. He is now dominating you in the real world, and you are accepting it. Ask yourself why you are doing this?

You have a willing sexual power disparity. An age disparity. A financial disparity. And now a Dom/Sub financial ‘relationship’.

Is he your boyfriend, or is he getting to play out his Dom/Sub fantasy in real life with a far younger, less experienced, financially dependent woman

anon2323

Thanks for your replies. Just to clarify he has never visited me because I still live in my family home. I don't mind traveling to see him. I am going to see him on Stephen's Day and spending 3 days there so I'll have an opportunity then to talk to him and tell him that I don't want him to send me more money and organise repayments. I don't want to cut him off and just not pay him back. That would be childish.

I have taken into account what has been said here but I do want to salvage the relationship. The money issue is really our only big problem.

hairyprincess

Can I ask why your family and friends are not aware of your relationship? You have been with him for the last four years, it seems odd.

anon2323

hairyprincess wrote: »

Can I ask why your family and friends are not aware of your relationship? You have been with him for the last four years, it seems odd.

It is odd, I agree. We decided to keep it secret mostly because of his age and our relationship dynamic I suppose. In a way I enjoy being in our own bubble but it is also challenging.

Dial Hard

Please tell someone where you're going and who with for the few days after Christmas.

zapper55

Dial Hard wrote: »

Please tell someone where you're going and who with for the few days after Christmas.

I was going to say the exact same thing. Please tell someone his address.

Also you are travelling to see a guy who you are in a secret relationship with and will discuss something with him that is likely to make him unhappy, by yourself.

There are many red flags here. Be honest with yourself. Are you in this self imposed bubble as if people did know they'd be understandably concerned?

Heres Johnny

anon2323 wrote: »

It is odd, I agree. We decided to keep it secret mostly because of his age and our relationship dynamic I suppose. In a way I enjoy being in our own bubble but it is also challenging.

Has he asked you to keep it a secret? There's no future in this and its going to end badly. He is controlling you, pure and simple. Financially and emotionally.
You're probably not going to take advice about your relationship from random people on the Internet as you're blinded by love/lust, I get that, but please take my advice and tell the story of your relationship and everything that goes on in it to a trusted friend. Just one, and see what they say to you.

Read this article and see how many similarities there are between your situation and what's described in the article, I saw many straight away.

https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

LuciX

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Get a job, even if it is part time. Get a loan from the credit union for the €2000 you owe him. Pay it back by bank transfer so there is a record. Stop accepting money from him.

She already has a job.
She just doesn't want to admit it
It's the oldest profession in the world :rolleyes:

GingerLily

How much of the money that you "owe" his is directly linked to expenses you have visiting him?

You shouldn't be paying any of that back

Lotus Flower

anon2323 wrote: »

It is odd, I agree. We decided to keep it secret mostly because of his age and our relationship dynamic I suppose. In a way I enjoy being in our own bubble but it is also challenging.

You can tell people of your relationship without having to reveal the dynamics of the dom/ sub thing. My first thought on reading this was he's married/ in a relationship with someone else. As for the money thing, that's alarming, he's not doing it out of generosity or to help you, but to wield money and power over you so you're beholden to him. He knows it will inevitably end (he's pushing 50 and probably cant believe his luck) so this is going to be his trump card "she used me for my money and owes me 2k")

Think about it, if a female friend had a boyfriend for four years but told no one, would you not think it odd? Better to meet someone closer to your own age you can actually have a normal relationship with, must be tough having a relationship where you can't bring him to family events or socialising with friends. You deserve better than this dodgy situation that has so many red flags

ETA: he knows the only advantage he has over guys in your age range is that he has more money than the average twenty something guy. And the not wanting you to work so you can see him is also alarming- he should be supporting you gaining financial independence, this is not the 50s, dom/ sub relationship or not. I don't want to sound patronising but you are young and I guarantee you will be kicking yourself in years to come wondering why you tolerated this unequal relationship for so long.

Lotus Flower

listermint wrote: »

Didn't this form of relationship end up in a missing woman and then a prison sentence.

How confident are you this is a real relationship ?

I thought of this too

Heres Johnny

Just on the age thing, it's unusual but not in itself any way wrong. Just taking it a bit personally some of the comments, although not quite as big a gap I'm 38 and my fiance is 25.....she is in a 40k a year job already though and has her own finances so similarities end there.

Lotus Flower

Heres Johnny wrote: »

Just on the age thing, it's unusual but not in itself any way wrong. Just taking it a bit personally some of the comments, although not quite as big a gap I'm 38 and my fiance is 25.....she is in a 40k a year job already though and has her own finances so similarities end there.

That's a bit different. Without wanting to drag the thread off topic, there's a 13 year gap which isn't that much, the OP is literally young enough to be her bf's daughter, that coupled with the fact that no one knows about their relationship and he's using money to control her and dissuading her from getting work and financial independence (especially after she has studied). There is no point in you taking any comments here personally.

anon2323

Hi, so I read the article about financial abuse linked earlier by another poster and I don't think that is what this is. I know it's easy to assume the worst given our age difference and all that stuff. Thanks though as I am now more aware now of what to look out for in the future.

For now, I'm in quite deep in that he knows everything about me, all my personal details. I felt like I knew him very well too but I now I'm not sure. I need to find out more and decide how I feel.

I will tell a friend where I'm going after Christmas and try give her some details of my relationship with him. Although I have a feeling I know exactly what she's going to say.

I will update you all once I can have a proper talk with him about everything.

Thanks again.

bitofabind

What future does this have if you’re not comfortable integrating him into your life and introducing him to family and friends after 4 years?

When you’re 35 he’ll be closing in on 60. Do you want kids? Unless you start now he’ll be in his 80s when they’re college age. What would your parents think of him? He’s closer in age to them than you. Would any of your friends like him?

You say there’s no other issues except this money thing, that can’t be true though can it? Unless you’re happy to have a secret relationship where you visit your fella for a few days every few weeks for the foreseeable future.

woodchuck

LuciX wrote: »

She already has a job.
She just doesn't want to admit it
It's the oldest profession in the world :rolleyes:

Mod warning:

LuciX, your post falls well short of the standard expected here in PI/RI. As you're relatively new here, I won't go straight to a card. But I suggest you familiarise yourself with the charter before posting here again.

afterglow

Hi @anon2323
do you live the lifestyle 24/7 or just in the bedroom? because if its crossing, or has crossed over from the latter to the former, insidiously so you didn't know, or indeed, if this is happening without your consent, then I don't need to tell you, this is now no longer safe, sane, consensual D/S
if it has indeed strayed outside of this, then OP, please, please please, be careful
do you have other connections in the BDSM world? do you have anyone, even if you don't know them well, that you would even kinda trust, enough to explain what's going on?
I can tell you that proper doms, would not treat their subs like this, because above all, as you know, i hope you do anyway, D/S is about respect, and creating, and adhering to boundaries, and this, by the sounds of things, is not what's happening here
Sub you may be, and I hope you can see from the way this reply is written, there's no condemnation here, bear in mind also, D/S can seem like straight up abuse to those who are not familiar, what I am saying though, is that outside of the D/S relationship dynamic, you are someone who should have, and deserves to have, their needs, wishes, wants, likes and dislikes, respected
I wish you the best of luck, please stay safe and as I say, find someone you trust and explain stuff, just in case

ILoveYourVibes

Tell him you can't handle the debt.

Guys it doesn't sound like she is in danger etc. I think you are over reacting.

Batgurl wrote: »

I’m gonna go against the grain here op and point out that you can easily turn this around here if you want. Tell him you will happily take his money as a loving partner in a committed relationship, but you will no longer consider it a loan. And he should have no expectations that you will
pay him back.

If that doesn’t stop him sending you money, then maybe he is genuinely doing it to be nice.

he might not be in a position to do that ...plus its probably gonna make the op feel really awkward to have to say that.

Honestly this is why i feel if people want to help out ...they should just help out and not make it a loan.

I guess the worry would be if she did that ..then he would feel she has to stay with him...which she SHOULDNT

You can't really just TELL someone you have loaned money from them that its no longer a loan. She could discuss it with him And see how he feels about it.

How do you feel about this NOT being a loan etc? Do you feel ok about it?

If he doesn't you kind of have to factor that in. If he does feel ok about it not being a loan etc ...then she has less pressure to worry about.

If she feels ok about that herself.

So the dom /sub thing has kinda crossed over to life ...but i don't think he is dangerous ..i think from his point of view he is trying to be nice.

The secrecy tho....hmm if you want a long term relationship ..that's not gonna work.

Lotus Flower

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Tell him you can't handle the debt.

Guys it doesn't sound like she is in danger etc. I think you are over reacting.



he might not be in a position to do that ...plus its probably gonna make the op feel really awkward to have to say that.

Honestly this is why i feel if people want to help out ...they should just help out and not make it a loan.

I guess the worry would be if she did that ..then he would feel she has to stay with him...which she SHOULDNT

You can't really just TELL someone you have loaned money from them that its no longer a loan. She could discuss it with him And see how he feels about it.

How do you feel about this NOT being a loan etc? Do you feel ok about it?

If he doesn't you kind of have to factor that in. If he does feel ok about it not being a loan etc ...then she has less pressure to worry about.

If she feels ok about that herself.

So the dom /sub thing has kinda crossed over to life ...but i don't think he is dangerous ..i think from his point of view he is trying to be nice.

The secrecy tho....hmm if you want a long term relationship ..that's not gonna work.

If she wants a long term relationship? She already has one and no one knows about it. They're together 4 years. You might say that people are overreacting but whatever way you cut it, people not knowing about them after 4 years is not normal.

Fakediamond

If he is giving you money that you haven’t asked for, then it isn’t a loan, it’s a gift. That’s on him and can’t be used as a means of controlling you. I agree with the other posters, he is using those “loans” as a way of keeping you beholden to him, it’s a bit like being an indentured slave, you will always have bills etc to pay and will never be able to get ahead of those on top of repayments to him as well. He knows this, even if you can’t see it.

While an age gap isn’t necessarily an issue in relationships, it’s the power differential that’s the issue. Your relationship has an unequal balance of power in terms of age, finances and maturity. You met him when you were only 21, I don’t think any of us thought that we were fully mature at age 21 so he has always had the upper hand in terms of maturity and life experience and you have grown up in his shadow, so to speak.

tara73

anon2323 wrote: »

I will tell a friend where I'm going after Christmas and try give her some details of my relationship with him. Although I have a feeling I know exactly what she's going to say.

yes, she will say what roughly 100% of the posters here say and you are still defending the set up.
I don't think you are really taking anything here on board and there's so much good advice or wise thoughts written down here. I ask myself at this stage why you opened the thread and asked the question.

I think we can say whatever we want, you need or want to learn it the hard way. So be it but you can't say you havn't been warned!

Heres Johnny

tara73 wrote: »

yes, she will say what roughly 100% of the posters here say and you are still defending the set up.
I don't think you are really taking anything here on board and there's so much good advice or wise thoughts written down here. I ask myself at this stage why you opened the thread and asked the question.

I think we can say whatever we want, you need or want to learn it the hard way. So be it but you can't say you havn't been warned!

That was my advice for her to speak to a trusted friend and see what advice would be given because I felt the OP wouldn't take advice from strangers.

Now OP agrees that her friend will probably give same advice as you pointed out yourself but looks like it will fall on deaf ears.

I posted in an excellent thread about narcissists and personality disorders about a relationship I found myself in and how it nearly turned into a fatal attraction bunny boiler type horror for me and my new relationship, everyone could see I was being royally f***ed over exceit for me, I ignored so many red flags myself and so many warnings and advice from friends and family. That's why I believe OP needs to talk to those that love her and not just us.

I just didn't listen, because I was in love. Now I look back and kick myself for being stupid (she tried to kill me in the end if anyone wants to read!!)
I was being trapped by emotional blackmail in such a way that OP is being trapped by financial blackmail. Everyone on this thread can see it straight away, the OPs friend will see is straight away and hopefully the OP can see it and start taking on board people's advice.

Now directly to OP, what advice would you give your best friend, your sister or your mother if they told you the story you told us in opening post? Be honest.

leggo

anon2323 wrote: »

I will tell a friend where I'm going after Christmas and try give her some details of my relationship with him. Although I have a feeling I know exactly what she's going to say.

Read this bit you wrote again OP. I have certain friends whose judgement I trust having known them a long time, having had time prove things they’ve said that I’ve disagreed with right, and also just maturing and understanding that when you’re in the throes of something you believe more what you want to believe than what’s actually the case. One friend in particular: if I tell them a situation I’m in and they throw me a certain look, my heart sinks a bit because I’ll know I need to re-think. Looking back there’s yet to be one situation where their doubts have been proven unfounded.

You know what your friend is going to think. This is the person you trust above all others with this info. Listen to that. Fair enough if you don’t want to listen to randoms online, even if they are unanimously pointing in the same direction. But you know the friend you’re choosing to entrust with this will have a certain reaction. You don’t have to do anything specific or drastic here, but at least take a moment to listen to that part of your brain and acknowledge it.

Millionaire only not

Heres Johnny wrote: »

That was my advice for her to speak to a trusted friend and see what advice would be given because I felt the OP wouldn't take advice from strangers.

Now OP agrees that her friend will probably give same advice as you pointed out yourself but looks like it will fall on deaf ears.

I posted in an excellent thread about narcissists and personality disorders about a relationship I found myself in and how it nearly turned into a fatal attraction bunny boiler type horror for me and my new relationship, everyone could see I was being royally f***ed over exceit for me, I ignored so many red flags myself and so many warnings and advice from friends and family. That's why I believe OP needs to talk to those that love her and not just us.

I just didn't listen, because I was in love. Now I look back and kick myself for being stupid (she tried to kill me in the end if anyone wants to read!!)
I was being trapped by emotional blackmail in such a way that OP is being trapped by financial blackmail. Everyone on this thread can see it straight away, the OPs friend will see is straight away and hopefully the OP can see it and start taking on board people's advice.

Now directly to OP, what advice would you give your best friend, your sister or your mother if they told you the story you told us in opening post? Be honest.

I’d also believe if this guy wasn’t giving u money , he’d be partial to giving money to a certain profession for there services !
Wake up darling find someone ur own age for ur alternative lifestyle , pervert playing on younger woman here !
Are u sure he’s not married?

ILoveYourVibes

Lotus Flower wrote: »

If she wants a long term relationship? She already has one and no one knows about it. They're together 4 years. You might say that people are overreacting but whatever way you cut it, people not knowing about them after 4 years is not normal.

I am not sure they are 4 yrs together together ...they may have been roleplaying that length of time as bdsm partners etc.

ILoveYourVibes

OP just tell people you have formed a deeper relationship with someone you have been friends with for a while. You don't need to tell people everything that's enough.

Lotus Flower

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am not sure they are 4 yrs together together ...they may have been roleplaying that length of time as bdsm partners etc.

From the OP: "I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years"

ILoveYourVibes

Lotus Flower wrote: »

From the OP: "I (25F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (46M) for four years"

I thought she indicated it was a bdsm relationship for a while that became something else.

Shrug...it doesn't matter. Either she tells people or she doesn't.

If she is ashamed of him ...something ain't right though.

Lotus Flower

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I thought she indicated it was a bdsm relationship for a while that became something else.

Shrug...it doesn't matter. Either she tells people or she doesn't.

If she is ashamed of him ...something ain't right though.

Shrug... it doesn't matter? Are you seriously saying that if a friend of yours had a boyfriend for 4 whole years and no one knew about it that you wouldn't think it strange? It's not normal and you know it. Can understand keeping it quiet in the beginning but not after 4 years. The only relationships that stay secret for so long are affairs

LegacyUser

The way your Dom/Sub sexual relationship has spilled over into real life doesn't seem healthy to me. I think you are letting what goes on in the bedroom colour your relationship far too much. You are using it to make excuses for what I consider to be the many red flags going on here.

Hiding a relationship for this long is not normal. Living with your parents is no reason for him not to visit. Nor is you being the one who always has to travel.

I am the same age as this man and I wouldn't even consider getting into a relationship with a person of your age. As well as the big age gap, the chasm between a 25 year old and a 46 year old is enormous. I'm not boasting here but I think I could buy and sell your average 25 year old. Many of my peers would too because we've hit that sweet spot in life where we've accumulated lots of life experience, street smarts, have a comfortable life but are still youthful and reasonably attractive.

What I don't understand is why you feel you have to continue the Dom/Sub dynamic in your life outside the bedroom. Many relationships are a bit unbalanced and you'll have one partner calling the shots more than the other. But this reads like a creepy older man/sugar daddy manipulating his young girlfriend. I think that deep down you know this too and this is why you originally started this thread. What sort of future do you foresee with this man if you're already in something so unbalanced? Bedroom antics are one thing. How would it work if you decide to have a family or buy a house or make other big decisions?

As for what to do now, my advice is for you to grow a backbone and learn how to say No. You're in a relationship and it should be respectful. Is that not at the core of every good relationship, regardless of who's the dominant one?

anon2323

Hi all. I'm home from visiting him

I put off having a conversation about the money straight away but it came up when he showed me a CV he had made for me and told me he had been handing them around the shops where he lives and got me a job in the local newsagent. He said this to me like it was great news and I was a bit shocked. We never even discussed me moving down with him. I told him I was applying to jobs in Dublin in the field I studied in and we got into an ugly argument that turned physical which has never happened before. He accused me of not wanting to pay him back and I said I would when I could. I told him I wanted to leave and asked him to drop me back into town so I could get the bus and he refused. He wouldn't let me leave and I got quite scared because I hadn't managed to tell anyone where I was going before I left. I chickened out of telling a friend.

He let me leave yesterday and was very apologetic and lovely but I told him it was over and I never wanted to see him ever again. I assured him that like a poster here said, I would go straight home and take a loan from the credit union and we would be finished and the money would be settled.

He told me that he would only accept in-person cash payments for the money he loaned me and knew a solicitor who could make it so that I would be never able to get a loan from a bank or a credit card if i didn't do it. I'm genuinely sick to my stomach and awfully embarrassed that I couldn't see what he was truly like sooner and I really don't know how to think. Could he do what he says?

I half think things would be easier if i never caused a fuss about it in the first place.

zapper55

I am so glad you are home safe. So glad.

His threat is absolute horsecrap. No solicitor has the magical powers to make that happen. I'm.also very glad you saw his cv ploy as what it was, to control you.

Get that credit union loan and pay him back what he have you minus what the trip over cost you. Text him when the money is transferred over so that you have a written record that youve informed him. Tell him if he gets in contact again you'll go to the guards about him getting physical. Then block him on absolutely everything. And make sure your bank blocks any transfer of money from him.

Also he was an excellent manipulator, of course you couldnt see what he was doing. Be thankful you had the sense to post on boards before you moved to be with him and got pregnant etc.

This isn't about you causing a fuss. This is about you protecting yourself. I would suggest counselling for you after the experience you've had and also because the last 4 years sounds incredibly unhealthy.

tara73

listermint wrote: »

Didn't this form of relationship end up in a missing woman and then a prison sentence.

How confident are you this is a real relationship ?

this post didn't get much recognition but it seems it wasn't too far from the reality..

absolutely shocking this update. Please go to the guards and report this person. For illegal restraint and physical abuse. His attempts to scare you off with his solicitor stuff about the money is laughable. Get the loan and transfer the money to hm asap. You will have a record of giving him the money back.

And please, please, do some work on your self esteem, on your way of seeing others and yourself. Get some professional help from a competent counsellor. You have serious issues with your (mis)perception of people and also yourself. It seems you can't see realities. If you are not doing something about it, I guarantee you, you end up again in a short while in some potential dangerous situation involving whatever form of abuse. I'm really worried about you!!

leggo

Yeah thank god you got out okay and with no actual long-term consequences like pregnancy, complete financial dependence etc. It’s mad that everything that people had warned you about her unravelled so fast, but I guess it was like a thread that just had to be pulled on, and even if you weren’t ready to accept what you were being warned you obviously had some inclination somewhere about all of this. So your gut was spot on warning you, don’t be afraid to listen to it in the future.

Tbh if I was you, after he’s gotten physical, I’d cut all contact and wouldn’t blame you if you told him to **** himself with his money. He can huff and puff all he likes and make whatever threats he wants, there’s little to no legal recourse for personal loans from people. It’s an act of good faith and you never even asked or agreed to take the money off him to begin with, point blank refused at times (hence the thread). Let him sing for it and, if he starts getting threatening, don’t be afraid to use the Gardai to your advantage. The law is all on your side here.

Also don’t feel foolish or anything like that if you need to talk to friends to get support. Most of us have at least one bad ex in our past, it’s how we learn. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, none of this is your fault, and don’t be afraid to seek whatever support you need to deal with this.