How do I get my boyfriend to stop sending me money without seeming ungrat

pinkyeye

I wouldn't pay him back a penny. He transferred the money to you bank account. Does he have a record of you asking for a loan?? No. Why should you pay it back.

mkhall

tara73 wrote: »

this post didn't get much recognition but it seems it wasn't too far from the reality..

absolutely shocking this update. Please go to the guards and report this person. For illegal restraint and physical abuse. His attempts to scare you off with his solicitor stuff about the money is laughable. Get the loan and transfer the money to hm asap. You will have a record of giving him the money back.

And please, please, do some work on your self esteem, on your way of seeing others and yourself. Get some professional help from a competent counsellor. You have serious issues with your (mis)perception of people and also yourself. It seems you can't see realities. If you are not doing something about it, I guarantee you, you end up again in a short while in some potential dangerous situation involving whatever form of abuse. I'm really worried about you!!

+1 on this, was going to write something very similar OP and very glad you ended up safely in the situation. You had a very lucky escape from this man and there is absolutely no shame in getting any sort of help to avoid these situations going forward. (Wish I’d done similar in my early 20s in hindsight!)
Re the solicitor thing, holds no weight whatsoever. I would only pay him back to get rid of him or weight off your shoulders, the sooner you can talk to someone to even get this off your chest you’ll also see how irrational he is and the hold he has had on you. Really hope you mind yourself OP and you can break free of this man altogether

Millionaire only not

pinkyeye wrote: »

I wouldn't pay him back a penny. He transferred the money to you bank account. Does he have a record of you asking for a loan?? No. Why should you pay it back.

I’d agree 100% , don’t be bothered paying it back and if the Gardaí call to him I’m pretty sure Ull never again here from him !
The money won’t bother him !

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Guys it doesn't sound like she is in danger etc. I think you are over reacting.

Oh dear. Only seeing the thread this morning. First reaction was OP is putting herself in a lot of danger. So many red flags. Not surprised at all to read her latest update. OP, to be blunt, you sound very vulnerable and naive. No matter what he says, NEVER meet this guy again. He may not be able to control his attempts to control you next time, and the next update we'll get will be from the national news.

zerosugarbuzz

Definitely go to the guards and make a statement. He may not let go that easy and it’s better that they are aware of him both for your sake and who ever his next victim is.

Fakediamond

Regarding paying him back the money, it’s not technically a loan, as you didn’t ask him for it and even tried to resist taking it. If it makes him go away, it’s worth paying him just to get rid of him forever. If he is going to continue harassing you anyway, I wouldn’t bother as he will just find another means to keep trying to control you. Either way, never, ever communicate with him directly again. Every time you respond to a text, or answer a call, he sees that as a “win” and you will be back at square one in terms of trying to get rid of him. Remember that any contact, whether positive or negative, is continuing the relationship in his mind.

Take care OP, and take on board all the excellent advice given in this thread.

punisher5112

There are so many levels of wrong here.

Op no matter what, from today on cut contact, change your number and any social media accounts as this could get quite a lot more dangerous and sinister.....

Tell your close friends and I would also suggest telling your family even if it's not fully true such as you met someone online and it turns out they're violent in which is true.

No matter what feelings you have you need to use your brain and get away from such a nuts situation.

As others mentioned he is absolutely full of it and can't do anything about the money.

It's totally up to you whether you pay back or not but to be honest it would be best to get rid and that he has nothing over you even in his mind.

You have dodged a serious serious situation and you are extremely lucky to have walked away.

You were held against your will so in essence you were actually kidnapped.

Does this man know where you live?
If yes this would be worrying.

You need to be smart about this whole thing and look after yourself.

Oh forgot to say that ain't no boyfriend either.... Edited.

marilynrr

Definitely go to the guards.
You need this on record. You don't want him to start coming to your house using the excuse that he was just trying to get the money you owed him.

I am glad you're ok. What an awful experience.

I wonder is there a way to report dangerous people on dating and fetish sites. I'm sure they won't do much about it but they might have to keep a record of it, if they got a couple of reports from different women then maybe they'd have to take it more seriously and ban him from the site.

Purple Mountain

*Definitely pay back every cent via a bank transfer ASAP. You do not want to be beholding to him anymore.
Do not meet him to pay him back under any circumstances.
Send him an email when the transaction is gone through.
Tell him that you have paid X amount into his bank account on Y date and that he is never ever to have any form of contact with you ever again.
*Tell a few friends or family what had happened and make sure they know his name and address.
*Put a statement on record at the Garda station.
*Block his number and access to you on all contact platforms.

Faith

CMod note: username2020, your post was deleted as it falls short of the standard expected in PI/RI. Please read the charter before posting again.

anon2323

Thanks everyone for your advice on how to handle everything. It's been a really difficult few days so your reassurance has been great. I went to the credit union today and got the money and transferred it to him. Texted him to inform such and blocked his number. Every little bit has been so hard but I am so relieved I did that small thing. I know its not what most people here want to hear but I haven't told anyone what happened or made it down to the guards yet to tell them and honestly I don't know if i can. I'm all over the place. Thank you for your help and kind words regardless.

leggo

Look up Women’s Aid if you need to talk to someone in the meantime. It’s there only as a free support to advice women in exact situations like yours. Zero consequences or anything, just support and someone qualified to talk to.

punisher5112

Please tell someone, I'm sorry to say but I doubt it's the last you will hear off him.

StinkyMunkey

Counselling is the way to go, a friendly ear and no judgement. If nothing it will get this whole mess off your chest.

It's better you paid the money back otherwise you would have had that hanging over you.

Redser87

Fair play for making it this far. +1 on ringing Women's Aid, they are experienced and non-judgemental. They can help you to make a plan for what comes next.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

anon2323 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your advice on how to handle everything. It's been a really difficult few days so your reassurance has been great. I went to the credit union today and got the money and transferred it to him. Texted him to inform such and blocked his number. Every little bit has been so hard but I am so relieved I did that small thing. I know its not what most people here want to hear but I haven't told anyone what happened or made it down to the guards yet to tell them and honestly I don't know if i can. I'm all over the place. Thank you for your help and kind words regardless.

Four years of your life have been pulled out from under your feet, it's a lot to process, it's only been a few days, it's ok to be reeling.

I think you should aim towards telling some people in your life, not least because there is a possibility he'll escalate his behaviour somehow, and that would not be an ideal way for this to all come out.

Speaking about it out loud will probably be substantially more difficult than writing about it. You've spent years knowing this had to be kept secret, that he wasn't to be spoken about. Do you think you could work on being able to speak about it on the phone to a helpline, like Women's Aid? They might be able to advise or liaise with the gards too and I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but I really think you should try very hard to do that. If he's not still stuck on you he's probably hunting around for some other 20 year old to dominate, and he'll have learned from this.

Well done on ending it, getting the money resolved, and blocking him. Those are decisive, difficult steps and you nailed them.

Long term you do need to do a lot of reflection on this, what drew you to him, what signs you ignored.

Purple Mountain

punisher5112 wrote: »

Please tell someone, I'm sorry to say but I doubt it's the last you will hear off him.

I can't echo this enough.
It would be irresponsible of you not to tell someone.
Don't be embarrassed.

rainbowtrout

Fair play OP. It's a lot to take in in a few days. However you have set up boundaries by returning the money and blocking his number. Those are decisive steps.

I'd echo what other posters have said on ringing Women's Aid. It might be easier to talk to a stranger and just tell them what you've said here and what you've done so far. Speaking to someone on the other end of the phone means you've told one person and might make it easier for you to tell others (friends, family, guards). Even if you have a trusted friend, you could tell them some of the story. You don't have to tell them all of it, you can tell them that there is more to it but you don't want to talk about all the details just yet. Just so you have someone there for you.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I can't echo this enough.
It would be irresponsible of you not to tell someone.
Don't be embarrassed.

Please tell someone, just a brief summary will do but just make sure there is somebody you can discuss this with.

As long as its a secret then he will still have an element of control over you.

If he knows you want the whole thing kept secret then he can threaten to use this against you.

I get that you've let this go on so long without telling anyone, but you're out now and you will feel so much better when there's no more secrecy around this.

RustyMam

OP... I couldn't not comment. You are amazing..... I know you won't believe that but you are. Your gut told you something was off about this relationship and you took the incredibly brave step of looking for help.... and by posting here that's exactly what you did. And having made that first tough decision you then made the even more difficult decision of telling him what you weren't happy with. And then got yourself out of what was a terrifying situation. You need to give yourself credit for that, again you're amazing!

Now take a breath.... don't be beating yourself up about "making a fuss". You deserve better then what this guy was offering.

I know from experience that opening up and telling friends and family that you ended up in this situation feels impossible. A really good first step is picking up the phone and talking to Women's Aid. It's a hard thing to do but you've already done some really hard things in the last few weeks. Give it a chance, worst case scenario it's a wasted phonecall. But look what's happened with just one post to Boards. You are taking back control of your life. You've got this!

punisher5112

RustyMam wrote: »

FringeGirl... I couldn't not comment. You are amazing..... I know you won't believe that but you are. Your gut told you something was off about this relationship and you took the incredibly brave step of looking for help.... and by posting here that's exactly what you did. And having made that first tough decision you then made the even more difficult decision of telling him what you weren't happy with. And then got yourself out of what was a terrifying situation. You need to give yourself credit for that, again you're amazing!

Now take a breath.... don't be beating yourself up about "making a fuss". You deserve better then what this guy was offering.

I know from experience that opening up and telling friends and family that you ended up in this situation feels impossible. A really good first step is picking up the phone and talking to Women's Aid. It's a hard thing to do but you've already done some really hard things in the last few weeks. Give it a chance, worst case scenario it's a wasted phonecall. But look what's happened with just one post to Boards. You are taking back control of your life. You've got this!

Fringe girl isnt the op????

RustyMam

punisher5112 wrote: »

Fringe girl isnt the op????

Apologies have fixed that

punisher5112

RustyMam wrote: »

Apologies have fixed that

No need, just was looking and was like eh? ;-)

ShaShaBear

As others have said, PLEASE tell someone about this man.

You've already experienced the consequences of meeting him in secret without telling anyone where you were going and who with, and look what came of it. This man is extremely dangerous, I'm not even sure you yet grasp how much so, and it would be foolish of you to continue without anyone knowing about a potential danger in your life!

leggo

And also tell him that you’ve told others about him and his name if you somehow have to speak. Even if you haven’t, give him the sense that people are aware of his existence because that’ll serve as a deterrent for any ideas he could have. Definitely let people know, you can leave out the BDSM element and just explain that you kept it secret because of the age difference or give an edited version of the story, but also let him know that people know. I’d say that’ll mean it’s the last you hear of him because it makes him accountable for his actions, whereas keeping him secret only strengthens his position and weakens yours.

tara73

leggo wrote: »

And also tell him that you’ve told others about him and his name if you somehow have to speak. Even if you haven’t, give him the sense that people are aware of his existence because that’ll serve as a deterrent for any ideas he could have. Definitely let people know, you can leave out the BDSM element and just explain that you kept it secret because of the age difference or give an edited version of the story, but also let him know that people know. I’d say that’ll mean it’s the last you hear of him because it makes him accountable for his actions, whereas keeping him secret only strengthens his position and weakens yours.

this. he needs to know that he's reported to the guards and that people around you know about him (his name and where he lives!) to make him aware he's himself in danger when continuing his 'games'.

Alpha_zero

Clearly this chick will never pay the debt back, it’s to keep the sex flowing.

XsApollo

Do not pay him back a cent, he was feeding you money to trap you, he hasn’t a hope of getting it back and I would imagine won’t go through embarrassment of even trying legally.
Block all contact and never see him again.
Report the incident to your local Garda, so they have a record of this in case he comes looking to meet you again or does something worse, also to stop him moving on to someone else who might not get out like yourself.

Caranica

Lads read the thread, the OP has returned the money.

OP hope you're doing ok. 4 years is a long time for any relationship and the added nature of your relationship can make a breakup more intense. Mind yourself x

punisher5112

Alpha_zero wrote: »

Clearly this chick will never pay the debt back, it’s to keep the sex flowing.

It's been paid back?????