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31-05-2018, 16:18   #1 Niamh Community Manager Niamh's Avatar
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Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

A couple of people requested that we have an AMA with someone who has had (or is having) an affair and this guest volunteered to answer questions on the subject.

She's a single woman who has experience of being ‘the other woman’ - she had a year long affair with a married man some years ago and subsequently had a short-term fling with a different married man.

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31-05-2018, 16:19   #2
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Fair play to you. This will be interesting to watch!
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31-05-2018, 16:24   #3
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In keeping with the spirit of things....

How /Why did the affairs end? Did the wives find out?
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31-05-2018, 16:25   #4
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You chase them or they chase you?
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31-05-2018, 16:42   #5
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Did you feel any guilt?
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31-05-2018, 16:43   #6
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Can you please sketch out a synopsis of each affair?
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31-05-2018, 16:45   #8
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How do you feel about the affairs now?
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31-05-2018, 21:36   #9
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Originally Posted by lunamoon View Post
Was the person you cheated with better looking than your partner?

She’s single?
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31-05-2018, 23:13   #10
I've had an affair, AMA
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Hi everyone,

I’ve had some problems logging in on this account tonight, have only been able to do so now, so I won’t get to all these tonight, as some require long answers. I’ll do what I can tonight and I’ll come back tomorrow evening after work to tackle the others.
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31-05-2018, 23:17   #11
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Why did those men cheat on their partners? As in what was wrong with their relationships?
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31-05-2018, 23:21   #12
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Originally Posted by Steve F View Post
In keeping with the spirit of things....

How /Why did the affairs end? Did the wives find out?
The first, which was the year long one, ended by my doing. I will go into the development of the affair in a different post, but yes, his wife did find out. However we continued for a number of months after that and it actually ended because I realized he was quite a controlling, obsessive, jealous man and I no longer wanted to be with him. I fell out of love with him.

The second, was more of a fling than a full-blown affair, as there was no emotional side to it. I am not trying to minimize it or make it seem less wrong, and I know some people might not perceive there to be much distinction, but it was a different kind of relationship to the first. It was purely just occasional sex. It ended by just fizzling out. We were colleagues in different counties who ended up having sex at occasional conferences where we met. After a while, circumstances just meant that we didn’t meet at all for a long time, and the most recent time we did meet at a conference I was not staying overnight. There was no big drawing-of-a-line or closure on the issue, it just drifted along and ended.
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31-05-2018, 23:29   #13
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Thank you Niamh and thank you volunteer.
I was one of the people who had asked if this was possible so sincere thanks.
It's the double life element I'm fascinated in. I like to think I'm very good at reading the people closest to me so I would like to think I'd spot an affair quite readily.
My steady college boyfriend cheated on me but I think I actually saw that coming before he did. It was so obvious they were starting to fall for each other. I'd say they were only together a week before I got confirmation - I read his texts. I know some people would slate me for that but I knew in my heart what I would find.
It absolutely crushed me. I felt physically sick. Even though we were young, I thought we had something special. We were so close and in love before that.
Anyhow I walked out of his house that day and never saw him again.
I still dream of him sometimes and I've found her on Facebook - married to someone else!
Thanks for doing this, I don't hold any judgement or bitterness towards you..unless you were the girl who took my college sweetheart!
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31-05-2018, 23:33   #14
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Do you expect to have a faithful relationship at some stage in the future?
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31-05-2018, 23:37   #15
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Originally Posted by beertons View Post
You chase them or they chase you?

The first, (the year long one) he chased me. At the risk of sounding very naive, I didn’t even realize he was chasing me for a while. (I will come back to that issue in a longer post tomorrow).

The second, the fling/repeated one-nighters, was different. The first time was a VERY drunken night in a foreign country. If you had said to me earlier that day that I’d end up in bed with that particular man that night I’d have laughed you out of it. I’d known him (peripherally, through work) for years and never gave him a second thought, and I’m sure he would have said the same about me. We were on a quite posh night out- it was an event held in a romantic city, on a ship cruising down the river. The drink flowed. We were sitting beside each other and just clicked. I had never been in a social setting with him before. It was about 10 years ago now and I can still remember the second I felt that first attraction- I said something funny, he started laughing and his whole face just transformed and I got a real visceral bolt of attraction, and thought to myself “he’s actually lovely looking”. I did flirt with him thereafter, and by the time it came to getting bank on dry land I think we both knew where it was going. After the night together, we got back to normal in that we had no further contact til the next work meeting, which was a few weeks later. I drove it, in that I deliberately engineered my attendance at meetings/conferences that I knew he’d be at. We’d spend the night together and then go back to normal. There was no contact whatsoever between the nights. And as I said above, it just gradually fizzled out. He changed roles at work and was moved to a different area for part of the week, and we just started crossing paths less often. To the best of my knowledge, his wife never found out. Nobody ever found out, other than my sister, whom I confided in (she didn’t know him).

Last edited by I've had an affair, AMA; 01-06-2018 at 00:27.
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