Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

I've had an affair, AMA

Neyite wrote: »

Do you think you would embark on another affair with someone who is married now or is that just a part of your past?

I don’t think I would. I wouldn’t make a big declaration that it’s part of my past and I’ve moved on, but I don’t think it’s something that would appeal to me again, for a variety of reasons.

I do know however that if I was presented with the opportunity to sleep with the second guy again, I would find it very very hard to resist.

But I don’t see myself starting anything with someone new in the future

Neyite

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

I don’t think I would. I wouldn’t make a big declaration that it’s part of my past and I’ve moved on, but I don’t think it’s something that would appeal to me again, for a variety of reasons.

I do know however that if I was presented with the opportunity to sleep with the second guy again, I would find it very very hard to resist.

But I don’t see myself starting anything with someone new in the future

So what changed for you then? Was it the counselling?

I've had an affair, AMA

Gleefulprinter wrote: »

1. Would you stay with your husband if he cheated on you or would you shrug it off or what?

2. Did you ever seen the wives on the street during or after the affairs, with the husbands or not? Do you know who they are?

3. They both had kids. Did you think of the family at all or did you think it was all on them?

4. This is going to sound horrible but sure here it goes. You sound manipulative yourself. The men shouldn't have had affairs and they were wrong. But you knew what was happneing as well and went along with it while the wife sat at home looking after the kids. This couldn't have happened without you. Now it is, well i had self esteem issues. Seems to me you used the men just as much as they used you.

1. Has been asked in a few ways throughout the thread and I’ve answered it

2. Never saw them. With the first man I saw photos of her and would be able to recognize her, but I never actually saw her at any stage. For context I was living in a city when this was going on. With the second guy, I never knew what his wife looked like, literally have no idea.

3. With respect, that’s been asked and answered already, please read previous responses.

4. You’re entitled to your opinion, and your opinion of me, I’m not going to call you horrible for it. But I’d draw your attention to the fact that I’ve repeatedly pointed out that while I had self esteem problems I’m not using that as an excuse or justification for my actions, rather it is part of the background to a relatively complex situation.

Did I use them? Yes, without doubt. With the second man, I was the instigator for the main part. In some ways the fact that he was looking for discretion and just casual sex suited me down to the ground. I’m certainly no angel in all this.

I've had an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

I remember a number of years ago during a group thing in college the topic of online dating came up. One man expressed his distaste for the whole thing. He told a story about a colleague who was planning on going to Australia to meet a man she had connected with. He thought she was crazy. He was engaged to be married himself, successful, attractive. There were murmurings of agreement from some others in the group, ¨oh my God what was she thinking¨ etc etc. United in their moralising.



What I was thinking was something different. How easy and what a luxury it is to voice your opinion from a position of love and security, to look with disdain upon the person who is searching so desperately for what you have. OP I think you are brave to do this AMA. It would be great if we all followed the rules but stuff happens. It doesn´t mean we are bad or stupid or irresponsible. Sometimes it means we want a little bit of that attention too and that love. I have no question for you. I just wanted to give you my perspective.


Mind yourself.

What a kind, thoughtful message. Sincerely, thank you.

I've had an affair, AMA

JeffKenna wrote: »

In fairness you come across as a lovely person and I hope you stay in that good place.
Thanks for taking the time to answer all the questions!

Thank you! It took a while to get here to this good place but I’m not planning on leaving it anytime soon!

Purple Mountain

Did you ever miss dating?
As in being taken out in public for a meal or the cinema and being able to hold hands with the other person?

I've had an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

Thanks for replies so far.

What do you think that motives you towards affairs V's overt lasting relationships?

Do you think you'll continue with "work husbands" into the future or is that day over after your counselling?

What scares you more- another affair or a stable long-term monogamous relationship?

1. I touched on this before, but essentially I don’t want the traditional committed, married and babies scenario and an affair is less likely to lead to that so I think that was some of the logic I used at the time. An affair is very much something that’s done furtively, without encroaching onto your day to day life too much, without changing things there. None of my friends ever found out, my family didn’t find out (apart from what I told my sister). It’s easier to compartmentalise an affair and control it to a degree, than it is with a regular relationship.

2. I don’t think so, tbh. I suppose I can’t 100% guarantee it but I think it’s extremely unlikely I would have a further affair. A few reasons for that, (in no particular order) partly because it’s something that’s complicated and stressful, partly for the moral reasons, partly because of the potential for hurt to innocent people, partly because I’m very content and happy in myself, partly because I’m somewhere now in life and work where I’m here for life and I don’t want to jeopardize my reputation locally etc As I said I didn’t specifically mention the affairs in counselling but did work on the self esteem.

3. What a question!!!
The thought of a stable long term monogamous relationship does nothing for me, in fact it specifically is something that I could reel off a list of ‘cons’ for but no ‘pros’. I wouldn’t say it scares me, but rather leaves me cold.

Another affair is not appealing either, for different reasons.

Ugh. It’s Hobson’s choice!

I've had an affair, AMA

Neyite wrote: »

So what changed for you then? Was it the counselling?

That was part of it, not all of it. I think I’ve grown up and matured over the last decade too and that has contributed. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the first affair in particular, and have a different outlook on it now to what I had when in the thick of it.

One of the initial catalysts was that I’d not had any sex or intimacy for about two years prior to the first affair and was craving it. I have gone for longer periods without physical intimacy since and I’ve just dealt with that and not been tempted to seek anything out. My friend kept encouraging me to try online dating but i had no real interest in it for a long time and didn’t view the lack of sex as an issue. The lack of intimacy didn’t bother me as much, for some reason.

Now I have a FWB/FB agreement which is working well.

I've had an affair, AMA

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Did you ever miss dating?
As in being taken out in public for a meal or the cinema and being able to hold hands with the other person?

No, not really, but I wasn’t a great one for going out on dates then anyway. If it were now, I’d find it hard give that up.

What was hard was watching everything I said with my family/friends, not letting things slip like “we were watching...” or “we were talking about this the other night...” etc, or explaining who I was on the phone to, or texting. One friend called over one day and saw two wine glasses in the sink and said “oh who was here drinking wine with you?”... small, simple things like that. Trying to come up with an explanation as to why I couldn’t meet them til a certain time because I knew that was the only chance I’d have to be with him etc. looking back, it was a constant state of high-alert.

khaldrogo

I've had an affair, AMA wrote:

Maybe the title should have been “I was someone’s mistressâ€, if you want to be pedantic about it. I think however that most people would consider that I’ve had an affair, in the colloquial sense of the word.

Nope.....to be having an affair YOU must be stepping out on a partner.

Otherwise YOU are just the bit on the side, not the one having the affair.

johnpatrick81

How many PMs have you gotten since starting this AMA?! :pac:

Tell me how

I've had an affair, AMA wrote:

I did go for counselling, but not for many years later. I certainly agree that I had issues, primarily non-existent self-esteem, to the extent I was grateful for any male attention. Funnily enough, in counselling I dealt with the self esteem issues but never mentioned the affairs... I had plenty other examples of my lack of self esteem for the counsellor to work with!

Speaking as a non qualified person but with personal experience of therapy.

I'm always somewhat fascinated/confused when I hear someone say they didn't mention something significant while in therapy. I think it indicates that they didn't fully commit to the idea of therapy being to gain a complete understanding of why they behave in a particular manner.

Given that you had had such relationships and were in therapy discussing self esteem, I would have thought the two topics were significantly intertwined.

Why didn't you mention it? Did you, maybe lie to your therapist when discussing relationships to avoid disclosing the affairs you were apart of? If so, why?

I've had an affair, AMA

khaldrogo wrote: »

Nope.....to be having an affair YOU must be stepping out on a partner.

Otherwise YOU are just the bit on the side, not the one having the affair.

As I said, I think the colloquial use of the phrase is an accurate description. If you want to use a stricter interpretation, then fair enough, knock yourself out, but I suspect from your last sentence that you are doing so less because of a genuine desire to correctly use the phrase and more to have a little dig, so for that reason I won’t engage further on the topic with you.

I've had an affair, AMA

johnpatrick81 wrote: »

How many PMs have you gotten since starting this AMA?! :pac:

Ha! None, actually.

I've had an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Speaking as a non qualified person but with personal experience of therapy.

I'm always somewhat fascinated/confused when I hear someone say they didn't mention something significant while in therapy. I think it indicates that they didn't fully commit to the idea of therapy being to gain a complete understanding of why they behave in a particular manner.

Given that you had had such relationships and were in therapy discussing self esteem, I would have thought the two topics were significantly intertwined.

Why didn't you mention it? Did you, maybe lie to your therapist when discussing relationships to avoid disclosing the affairs you were apart of? If so, why?

I suppose because things had moved on by the time I went for counseling and the affairs were no longer a significant issue on my mind. There was something big that happened at work that prompted me to go for counselling and that led onto the exploration of self esteem issues. The affairs were not ‘live’ issues then and there were much more recent and pressing issues/examples that were the focus.

I did discuss that I had gone through a period when I basically took what I was offered in terms of men, but I didn’t disclose that they’d been married.

I think I held back that information because it’s something I’m ashamed of and do not want to be judged on, even in a confidential professional setting. On this thread it’s fine cos it’s an anonymous account but in real life it’s not something that’s easy to admit or open up about. It’s inevitable you will be judged on it and that’s something I wanted to avoid.

I don’t think it impacted on the counselling in that I found it very beneficial and got a good outcome from it, so the result was good. I certainly didn’t come away from it thinking that it was incomplete or lacking or false because I hadn’t disclosed everything.

Colser

Do you think the men cheated because they were really attracted to you or they're the type that would do it with anyone given the chance ?

JeffKenna

Do you know what your attachment style is?

I've had an affair, AMA

Colser wrote: »

Do you think the men cheated because they were really attracted to you or they're the type that would do it with anyone given the chance ?

Most definitely just because of chance/opportunity. At best, I am average looking, certainly no irresistible beauty and back at the time of the first one, as I said in a previous post I was really obese, so not at all attractive.

By the time of the second one starting I had lost a good bit of weight, while I was still quite overweight I had a bit of confidence that came with knowing I was tackling the weight and losing it and looking better than I had been, though obviously that was still relative! People always say confidence is an attractive trait, and while it might have helped I don’t think the second guy was drawn to me for my appearance.

I've had an affair, AMA

JeffKenna wrote: »

Do you know what your attachment style is?

I haven’t studied it in any great depth or given it too much thought, but I suppose I’d have to say some sort of avoidant style.

I thought I’d bring a little levity to the thread by asking the following question:
Is having an affair actually quite boring and monotonous after a while?
So I understand the initial passion aspect that comes with any new relationship but after a while, and given the covert nature, does it become just sex in a hotel room or a quick two hours at your place, bonkety bonk, any news, see you next week- sort of thing?

Stoner

I've had an affair, AMA wrote:

Maybe the title should have been “I was someone’s mistressâ€, if you want to be pedantic about it. I think however that most people would consider that I’ve had an affair, in the colloquial sense of the word.

I think that would be a better title.
For me up until reading this I never thought a single person could "have an affair" be involved in one yes, but not have one.

I understand that I might be in the minority and incorrect on this position.

Thank you for this thread btw. I find it very interesting.

I also think if posters want to ask about guilt then we have the incorrect half of the affair here!

Thank you again.

I've had an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

I thought I’d bring a little levity to the thread by asking the following question:
Is having an affair actually quite boring and monotonous after a while?
So I understand the initial passion aspect that comes with any new relationship but after a while, and given the covert nature, does it become just sex in a hotel room or a quick two hours at your place, bonkety bonk, any news, see you next week- sort of thing?

Yeah, kind of!
With the first guy, we never met up in the city we lived in outside my home. We did go away for two nights to a small seaside village where nobody would know us and while that was relaxing and we could go to the pub and restaurant etc, in the back of my mind there was still that little thought of ‘what if someone who knows us just happens to be here too?’ so really it wasn’t as carefree a break as I had imagined it would be. It’s just after coming back to me now that we actually booked two separate rooms that time, he had told his wife he was going away to clear his head for the two nights, and wanted a record of a room booked for one person in case she went looking. This was before she found out, obviously. We even went to the bother of making the single room look like it had been used.
But yeah, eventually it becomes quite mundane cos all you are doing is staying in, there’s no going out for a stroll together, going to Tesco together etc.


With the second guy, it wasn’t going on long enough for that to set in. We were only meeting once every few weeks.

I've had an affair, AMA

Stoner wrote: »

I think that would be a better title.
For me up until reading this I never thought a single person could "have an affair" be involved in one yes, but not have one.

I understand that I might be in the minority and incorrect on this position.

Thank you for this thread btw. I find it very interesting.

I also think if posters want to ask about guilt then we have the incorrect half of the affair here!

Thank you again.

Fair enough, I can see your point.

Conservatory

What do you did in your spare time when the fellas were at home with the wives?

The Princess Bride

How did the 1st man's wife find out, and did they stay together?

Thanks for your answers so far.

Tell me how

Did you cheat on the guys who were having affairs with you?

I'm wondering if during those periods you felt that you were effectively in a relationship or were open to meeting other people?

Did you ever consider if one of them would attend an event with you as opposed to you going on your own?

I've had an affair, AMA

Conservatory wrote: »

What do you did in your spare time when the fellas were at home with the wives?

Carried on with my life, what else? Worked, went home to parents some weekends, socialized, went to matches, went shopping, went on holidays with friends etc. I didn’t put my life on hold for them.

I've had an affair, AMA

The Princess Bride wrote: »

How did the 1st man's wife find out, and did they stay together?

Thanks for your answers so far.

She became suspicious as things went on because we were spending more and more time together. He started staying overnight with me and the first few times he did that he told her he was working a night shift on overtime, but he couldn’t keep telling her that cos the overtime money wasn’t appearing in the bank account. So he told her he was taking time to himself to think things through. She obviously became suspicious and kept a closer eye on him. He was a bit careless too, whether by accident or intentionally i’ll never know, but he would do stuff like ring me from home, and from the landline. She confronted him one day saying she had proof cos she had my phone number so knew there was another woman. (She never rang me, but I was fearful she might at some stage). I also know that he told a friend of his about it, and that man’s wife was friendly with his wife... I suspect the friend told his wife who in turn told the guy’s wife- I don’t know that for certain but I do think it’s likely.

What he told me happened once she’d found out was that they’d had a serious talk and agreed to each ‘do their own thing’ for 12 months and then reevaluate. He said her expectation was that the affair would have run its course by then. If I take it that he was telling me the truth about that, then I think it’s very likely he’d had more than one affair in the past, but I’m not sure he was being truthful.

As far as I know, they stayed together. He did tell me once after I’d ended things with him that she had thrown him out but two days later he was saying that hadn’t happened.

I have no contact with him now, and am not in touch with anyone who would know what his situation is, so I don’t know for sure, but I think they are likely to still be together.

I've had an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Did you cheat on the guys who were having affairs with you?

I'm wondering if during those periods you felt that you were effectively in a relationship or were open to meeting other people?

Did you ever consider if one of them would attend an event with you as opposed to you going on your own?

No, not on either. With the first, yeah, by the time I developed feelings for him I did consider that I was with him and thus not going to see anyone else. [it was kinda a moot point anyway, as I was not exactly beating them off with a stick, but I did not consider myself available at that time]

Second guy, I didn’t feel i was in a relationship with him, it was just so casual and occasional. But I had no interest in meeting anyone else at the time as I was putting big effort into losing weight and overhauling my lifestyle, so I was focused on that.

I've had an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Did you ever consider if one of them would attend an event with you as opposed to you going on your own?

With the first guy, no, because he was so much older than me (more than 20 years) and even if we had gone to some totally random event where nobody knew us, we would have seemed ‘odd’ together and invited comment or curiosity. The time we went away for two nights, as we had booked two rooms we checked in separately and did not go round the place doing PDAs.

With the second guy, there was one time I was going to a wedding and would have LOVED to have brought him. He was great craic socially, really good company and knew some of my work friends, incl the fella getting married, so in theory he’d have fitted in and we’d have had a ball. But it was totally impractical cos it would have outed us among friends & colleagues.

In general, I’m quite self sufficient so am well used to doing things like going to the cinema on my own, going out for food alone etc that doesn’t bother me too much, but I do remember having a pang of regret about that wedding.