Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

Boards.ie: Niamh

A couple of people requested that we have an AMA with someone who has had (or is having) an affair and this guest volunteered to answer questions on the subject.

She's a single woman who has experience of being ‘the other woman’ - she had a year long affair with a married man some years ago and subsequently had a short-term fling with a different married man.

Be nice.

helimachoptor

Fair play to you. This will be interesting to watch!

Steve F

In keeping with the spirit of things....

How /Why did the affairs end? Did the wives find out?

beertons

You chase them or they chase you?

Loveinapril

Did you feel any guilt?

LuckyLloyd

Can you please sketch out a synopsis of each affair?

wexie

Are you 'Chipper Girl'?

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057876378

evolving tipperary

How do you feel about the affairs now?

m'lady

lunamoon wrote: »

Was the person you cheated with better looking than your partner?

She’s single?

I've had an affair, AMA

Hi everyone,

I’ve had some problems logging in on this account tonight, have only been able to do so now, so I won’t get to all these tonight, as some require long answers. I’ll do what I can tonight and I’ll come back tomorrow evening after work to tackle the others.

screamer

Why did those men cheat on their partners? As in what was wrong with their relationships?

I've had an affair, AMA

Steve F wrote: »

In keeping with the spirit of things....

How /Why did the affairs end? Did the wives find out?

The first, which was the year long one, ended by my doing. I will go into the development of the affair in a different post, but yes, his wife did find out. However we continued for a number of months after that and it actually ended because I realized he was quite a controlling, obsessive, jealous man and I no longer wanted to be with him. I fell out of love with him.

The second, was more of a fling than a full-blown affair, as there was no emotional side to it. I am not trying to minimize it or make it seem less wrong, and I know some people might not perceive there to be much distinction, but it was a different kind of relationship to the first. It was purely just occasional sex. It ended by just fizzling out. We were colleagues in different counties who ended up having sex at occasional conferences where we met. After a while, circumstances just meant that we didn’t meet at all for a long time, and the most recent time we did meet at a conference I was not staying overnight. There was no big drawing-of-a-line or closure on the issue, it just drifted along and ended.

Purple Mountain

Thank you Niamh and thank you volunteer.
I was one of the people who had asked if this was possible so sincere thanks.
It's the double life element I'm fascinated in. I like to think I'm very good at reading the people closest to me so I would like to think I'd spot an affair quite readily.
My steady college boyfriend cheated on me but I think I actually saw that coming before he did. It was so obvious they were starting to fall for each other. I'd say they were only together a week before I got confirmation - I read his texts. I know some people would slate me for that but I knew in my heart what I would find.
It absolutely crushed me. I felt physically sick. Even though we were young, I thought we had something special. We were so close and in love before that.
Anyhow I walked out of his house that day and never saw him again.
I still dream of him sometimes and I've found her on Facebook - married to someone else!
Thanks for doing this, I don't hold any judgement or bitterness towards you..unless you were the girl who took my college sweetheart!

Do you expect to have a faithful relationship at some stage in the future?

I've had an affair, AMA

beertons wrote: »

You chase them or they chase you?

Both.

The first, (the year long one) he chased me. At the risk of sounding very naive, I didn’t even realize he was chasing me for a while. (I will come back to that issue in a longer post tomorrow).

The second, the fling/repeated one-nighters, was different. The first time was a VERY drunken night in a foreign country. If you had said to me earlier that day that I’d end up in bed with that particular man that night I’d have laughed you out of it. I’d known him (peripherally, through work) for years and never gave him a second thought, and I’m sure he would have said the same about me. We were on a quite posh night out- it was an event held in a romantic city, on a ship cruising down the river. The drink flowed. We were sitting beside each other and just clicked. I had never been in a social setting with him before. It was about 10 years ago now and I can still remember the second I felt that first attraction- I said something funny, he started laughing and his whole face just transformed and I got a real visceral bolt of attraction, and thought to myself “he’s actually lovely looking”. I did flirt with him thereafter, and by the time it came to getting bank on dry land I think we both knew where it was going. After the night together, we got back to normal in that we had no further contact til the next work meeting, which was a few weeks later. I drove it, in that I deliberately engineered my attendance at meetings/conferences that I knew he’d be at. We’d spend the night together and then go back to normal. There was no contact whatsoever between the nights. And as I said above, it just gradually fizzled out. He changed roles at work and was moved to a different area for part of the week, and we just started crossing paths less often. To the best of my knowledge, his wife never found out. Nobody ever found out, other than my sister, whom I confided in (she didn’t know him).

I've had an affair, AMA

Loveinapril wrote: »

Did you feel any guilt?

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Can you please sketch out a synopsis of each affair?

Both there will require a longer answer, so I’ll come back to it tomorrow.

I've had an affair, AMA

wexie wrote: »

Are you 'Chipper Girl'?

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057876378

No, definitely not!

I've had an affair, AMA

evolving tipperary wrote: »

How do you feel about the affairs now?

How long have you got?!

This is another one that’ll take some time, so I’ll tackle it tomorrow

I've had an affair, AMA

lunamoon wrote: »

Was the person you cheated with better looking than your partner?

I was single at the time, however it’s fair to say that one of them would certainly not have been considered good looking.

Whispered

Did either have kids?

I've had an affair, AMA

screamer wrote: »

Why did those men cheat on their partners? As in what was wrong with their relationships?

I think when I answer about how the long one developed it will probably answer this somewhat about that particular one.

The second one, I’m not sure it was anything other than opportunity, tbh. I know some people say that if someone cheats there must be something wrong in their relationship- I don’t know if that’s true. I was not in a relationship myself at the time, and have never cheated while in a relationship so I can’t really comment definitively. But I don’t think there was anything particularly wrong in that particular guy’s relationship, and he certainly never proffered anything as an excuse/justification.

I've had an affair, AMA

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Thank you Niamh and thank you volunteer.
I was one of the people who had asked if this was possible so sincere thanks.
It's the double life element I'm fascinated in. I like to think I'm very good at reading the people closest to me so I would like to think I'd spot an affair quite readily....

Thanks for doing this, I don't hold any judgement or bitterness towards you..unless you were the girl who took my college sweetheart!

I’m not that girl! Neither man was a student.

In relation to the double life- it was without doubt incredibly stressful. Again, this is something that warrants a longer answer, so I’ll come back to it tomorrow

I've had an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

Do you expect to have a faithful relationship at some stage in the future?

Do you mean do I expect to be in a relationship with a man who is not married and do I expect that I would be faithful to him?

I am capable of being faithful - have had two long-term ‘proper’ relationships (ie not affairs) and I was faithful in both. One was 18 months long and the other was over 5 years long.

I would not have an emotionally-involved affair again.

However, I have no real interest in a long term committed relationship, and would not seek one out. I don’t ever see myself in a relationship that is expected to ‘go the distance’ or living with someone and I will never marry.

I've had an affair, AMA

Whispered wrote: »

Did either have kids?

Both did.

The long-term one was more than 20 years older than me and had two adult children. I was only 4 and 6 years older than them.

The fling guy, he had younger kids. He was 9/10 years older than me and his kids were all under 10.

bucketybuck

Why should we trust or believe a single word you say?

JeffKenna

Did you every perform a sexual act when they were on the phone to their wife?

JustJoe7240

bucketybuck wrote: »

Why should we trust or believe a single word you say?

Why would we question the authenticity of this ama any more than any other one?

A few questions if I may.

What did you expect would happen/ be the outcome of having an affair with a married man? Ie did you think he’d leave his family for you or did you just like the enjoyment of the present and not think of the future?

Did you think “I’m having an affair today, but tomorrow, I may choose to leave this situation for something more lasting?

Who did you tell about the affair when having it? Ie friends, sister etc

Imagine in a few/number of years time, you’re “settled” with partner/kids- do you think you’d be more susceptible than most to having an affair?

Thanks for your participation in this thread

bobwilliams

Bearna golf course

I've had an affair, AMA

bucketybuck wrote: »

Why should we trust or believe a single word you say?

*shrug* you don’t have to, it’s entirely up to you.
FWIW, I’m anonymous here, and this is not linked to my regular boards account so I’ve no reason to lie here. I’m doing this in a voluntary capacity because I saw there was a demand for it.

But up to you if you choose to believe me or not.

I've had an affair, AMA

JeffKenna wrote: »

Did you every perform a sexual act when they were on the phone to their wife?

No, never. That’s not something I’d have been comfortable with.

Edited to add, neither of them ever asked me to do that, but if they had I’d have refused. Mind you, I’d be likely to refuse any such request from someone, irrespective of who was on the other end of the line!

I've had an affair, AMA

JustJoe7240 wrote: »

Why would we question the authenticity of this ama any more than any other one?

Presumably because having an affair involves a level of deceit and dishonesty

I've had an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

A few questions if I may.

What did you expect would happen/ be the outcome of having an affair with a married man? Ie did you think he’d leave his family for you or did you just like the enjoyment of the present and not think of the future?

Did you think “I’m having an affair today, but tomorrow, I may choose to leave this situation for something more lasting?

Who did you tell about the affair when having it? Ie friends, sister etc

Imagine in a few/number of years time, you’re “settled” with partner/kids- do you think you’d be more susceptible than most to having an affair?

Thanks for your participation in this thread

I’ll come back to these later as they’ll take a while

I've had an affair, AMA

bobwilliams wrote: »

Bearna golf course

?
Wrong thread I suspect!

PopTarts

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

I was single at the time.

So, you’ve never actually had an affair?

ConnyMcDavid

When the wife found out about the affair, did it change the excitement of it for you? Did you lose interest as the danger element was removed?

Wanderer78

Apologies, but I haven't really read the thread, and I'd rather not come across as being judgemental, but it's hard not to be for this subject matter, but have you ever considered or partaken in any form of counselling? I suspect those that do have affairs have some issues that need dealing with, it mentally cannot to be comfortable to behave in such a manner, and such professional help would probably greatly help. Thank you for taking part in this thread, it's not an easy subject matter, and I suspect it's common enough

uck51js9zml2yt

Did you ever think that you were taking part in wrecking someone else's lives.i.e the wife and kids?

Why would you ever think that was ok?

I know it takes 2 before you say it but the men aren't doing the AMA.

sydthebeat

PopTarts wrote: »

So, you’ve never actually had an affair?

"an affair" requires at least two people.

To the affairee..... Thanks for doing this.

Did the fact the men were married make them any more attractive in your eyes?

Liam McPoyle

If you were in a relationship with someone and they started shagging someone else and you didn't find out for months, would you stay in the relationship?

Tell me how

Did you think about the effect on the children of the men if they found out that there father was cheating on their mother and impacts that might have had on their upbringing (more related to the younger children obviously).

Tell me how

You said that you will never marry and don't see yourself in a relationship that goes the distance as you put it.

Did something happen to cause you to look on marriage negatively? Did this influence you in starting affairs with married men?

Tell me how

Why affairs?
Why not no strings/f*ck buddy type thing with like minded individuals but without risk of hurting others?

I'm wondering did you get off on the fact that it was an affair, that it was forbidden fruit so to speak.

Tell me how

Last one for me for now.

How did you end up being identified as the person to do this AMA?

LuckyLloyd

Looking forward to the narratives and I think better questions will flow from that.

Whispered

Did you/do you feel any guilt?

Particularly with regards to the young children involved.

Creative83

"Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair" Seriously? Is this what AMA is reduced to? Surely you can do better then this guff

Tell me how

Creative83 wrote:

"Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair" Seriously? Is this what AMA is reduced to? Surely you can do better then this guff

A - It was requested by forum users
B - What would you like to see?
C - You don't have to read it.

Galwayguy35

Creative83 wrote: »

A - It was requested by forum users Really? Requested by whom?
B - What would you like to see? Not AMA's on deplorable's
C - You don't have to read it. I didn't read it.

A person is giving up their free time to answer questions and judging by the amount of those that have been asked I'd say quite a few people are interested.

emo72

how many times are we going to have a chance to ask direct questions to a stranger that had an affair? i guess never. interesting subject about the human condition! unsubbing though, dont want email alerts coming through and explaining my interest to my totally loved other half!

bucketybuck

I bet the young kids have a few questions too.