Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

I've had an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

A few questions if I may.

What did you expect would happen/ be the outcome of having an affair with a married man? Ie did you think he’d leave his family for you or did you just like the enjoyment of the present and not think of the future?

Did you think “I’m having an affair today, but tomorrow, I may choose to leave this situation for something more lasting?

Who did you tell about the affair when having it? Ie friends, sister etc

Imagine in a few/number of years time, you’re “settled” with partner/kids- do you think you’d be more susceptible than most to having an affair?

Thanks for your participation in this thread

1. I mentioned this in a previous post but no, I never wanted either to leave their families for me. If anything, I thought that the fact he was married was some protection for me in terms of a guy looking for a serious relationship, in that I thought all he’d want was a fling. Long term committed relationships are not for me!

2. With the first, I told absolutely nobody. Ever. To this day.
With the second, I told my sister, but not anyone else. She was supportive, didn’t get into the morals of it but just warned me to be careful. I did think she was quite shocked, despite trying to hide it, so I did not tell her about every encounter

3. As I said, being ‘settled’ like that is not for me, but if I were to imagine it was, I don’t think I’d have a problem being faithful to a partner.

I've had an affair, AMA

PopTarts wrote: »

So, you’ve never actually had an affair?

Maybe the title should have been “I was someone’s mistress”, if you want to be pedantic about it. I think however that most people would consider that I’ve had an affair, in the colloquial sense of the word.

I've had an affair, AMA

ConnyMcDavid wrote: »

When the wife found out about the affair, did it change the excitement of it for you? Did you lose interest as the danger element was removed?

The danger element/secrecy was never part of it for me, I never got a thrill or excitement from that.

In fact, once his wife found out that he was having an affair if anything it got more dangerous cos I was wondering what she would do eg turn up at my home or workplace, confront me etc. (she never did anything like that)

I've had an affair, AMA

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Apologies, but I haven't really read the thread, and I'd rather not come across as being judgemental, but it's hard not to be for this subject matter, but have you ever considered or partaken in any form of counselling? I suspect those that do have affairs have some issues that need dealing with, it mentally cannot to be comfortable to behave in such a manner, and such professional help would probably greatly help. Thank you for taking part in this thread, it's not an easy subject matter, and I suspect it's common enough

I did go for counselling, but not for many years later. I certainly agree that I had issues, primarily non-existent self-esteem, to the extent I was grateful for any male attention.
Funnily enough, in counselling I dealt with the self esteem issues but never mentioned the affairs... I had plenty other examples of my lack of self esteem for the counsellor to work with!

I've had an affair, AMA

Camila Rapping Tombstone wrote: »

Did you ever think that you were taking part in wrecking someone else's lives.i.e the wife and kids?

Why would you ever think that was ok?

I know it takes 2 before you say it but the men aren't doing the AMA.

I’ve touched on this in a previous reply but I dealt with it in a few ways... saying I had made no commitment to his wife, I owed her nothing, and as I said I believed his account of a marriage that was only limping along anyway. It’s incredible how one can compartmentalise things if doing so helps a situation in one’s mind

I've had an affair, AMA

sydthebeat wrote: »

"an affair" requires at least two people.

To the affairee..... Thanks for doing this.

Did the fact the men were married make them any more attractive in your eyes?

Not particularly, there was no thrill like that for me, I didn’t get off on taking someone else’s man or anything like that

I've had an affair, AMA

Business Cat wrote: »

If you were in a relationship with someone and they started shagging someone else and you didn't find out for months, would you stay in the relationship?

Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the circumstances of them shagging someone else and depends on how casual our relationship was. As I’ve said I don’t do committed relationships, so tend to have more casual relationships, and in those circumstances I’d be less likely to end it.

If I imagine myself in the scenario of a regular committed serious relationship and then found out the above, I doubt I would stay around. And yes, I know that is MASSIVELY hypocritical of me.

I've had an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Did you think about the effect on the children of the men if they found out that there father was cheating on their mother and impacts that might have had on their upbringing (more related to the younger children obviously).

I’ve kinda answered this earlier, but not specifically, no. The man who had the younger kids was the man with whom I had the casual sex-only fling, and I knew that was very unlikely to be ever found out. There was no trail of texts, calls, emails etc, no sightings of his car outside my house, nothing other than us legitimately being at work events together and we were careful to not be seen going to the room together etc

I've had an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

You said that you will never marry and don't see yourself in a relationship that goes the distance as you put it.

Did something happen to cause you to look on marriage negatively? Did this influence you in starting affairs with married men?

Nothing specific, but I think I’m a bit cynical in general. My parents are married more than half a century, my father would tell you it’s a happy marriage, my mother would say she has sacrificed a huge amount, been controlled and dominated by my father and trapped by the church and social convention. As a teenager watching the dynamic I always promised myself I’d never end up trapped or unable to leave at the drop of a hat, unable to walk away without looking back.

I think that the expectation that they would want to maintain their marriage and thus would not put pressure on me to commit to them helped in my thinking alright.

I’ve had two relationships that weren’t affairs, but both of those were ones that were never going to end in marriage and babies and we both knew that from the start. One was with a guy who was from a very different culture and his family would never have accepted it, so there was no pressure there. That lasted happily for 5 years. The other was a guy who was a good bit older than me, divorced and just looking for a laugh for a while. He was living in the UK and came over regularly, but it was always clear it was not going anywhere serious.

Purple Mountain

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

A person is giving up their free time to answer questions and judging by the amount of those that have been asked I'd say quite a few people are interested.

I requested it for one.

I've had an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Why affairs?
Why not no strings/f*ck buddy type thing with like minded individuals but without risk of hurting others?

I'm wondering did you get off on the fact that it was an affair, that it was forbidden fruit so to speak.

Because the first one was the first bit of male attention I’d had in years, I had resigned myself to being invisible to men and overlooked by them. I missed sex and physical intimacy.

People always say women can have no strings sex anytime they want, but not all women can, not if you looked how I did back then.

The forbidden fruit aspect meant nothing to me, it did not provide a thrill. In fact the necessary secrecy was a huge source of stress.

I've had an affair, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Last one for me for now.

How did you end up being identified as the person to do this AMA?

I volunteered when I saw in the main discussion/planning thread that a few people had asked for it.

I've had an affair, AMA

Whispered wrote: »

Did you/do you feel any guilt?

Particularly with regards to the young children involved.

Answered in a previous post

I've had an affair, AMA

Conservatory wrote: »

If you confided this story I’d probably pretend to be interested and say

Ye durty Thomas crown ye, ???!when did it start.

Would you take offense to this?

I’d probably explain to you how sad it is for all parties in the end and probably a sign of low self esteem but in a nice way.

No, I wouldn’t take any offence to that!

helimachoptor

Has it coloured your opinion of men?

I've had an affair, AMA

pc7 wrote: »

had they had affairs previously or did they say?
The year long one, did you believe he’d leave his wife for you?

The first guy, I don’t really know. He did say he’d had one which lasted about 6 weeks many years previously but I’m not sure I believe him. Yes, I’m aware of the irony of me saying I question his honesty given that I had a bloody affair with him, but so much of what he told me I later found out to be lies, so I don’t really know if that story was true.

The second guy, yes, he regularly had one night stands when working away.

I’ve covered the last question in other posts.

I've had an affair, AMA

Hapax Legomenon wrote: »

Did you ever have moments where you thought that your partner was a bit of an asshole for what he was doing to his wife and, in particular, his children?

First guy, At the start, no, cos I thought he was genuinely stuck in an unhappy marriage. As time went on and the scales fell from my eyes, then yes, I did feel bad and think he was not the nice guy I’d thought he was.

Second guy, not so much cos he took such care to not be found out, and he never told me anything about his wife, so I never had an image or impression of her in my head, she was an anonymous person to me. First guy told me more than I ever wanted to know about his wife.

I've had an affair, AMA

Conservatory wrote: »

Was it an extra turn on that he was willing to lose his family to ride ye.

Nope, not at all

I've had an affair, AMA

JeffKenna wrote: »

Did one of your parents ever have an affair or were you ever cheated on in a relationship?

Parents, no, absolutely not. Both very conservative Catholics.

I was cheated on by my first college boyfriend, but I don’t think I could even call him a boyfriend, we were only seeing each other a few weeks. He then went off with someone else. I was upset for a while but I don’t think it had any lasting effects or shaped my future actions.

I've had an affair, AMA

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Considering both of the men were married- to your knowledge, were they still having a sexual relationship with their wives at home, while carrying on with you on the sly?

The first guy, yes, though he would say they had frequent dry spells, but did occasionally have sex.

Second guy, yes, most definitely had a normal sex life with his wife.

I wasn’t jealous, funnily enough. I think I just accepted it as part and parcel of having an affair.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you think that your lack of self esteem and weight issues fed into you having these affairs?

I've had an affair, AMA

helimachoptor wrote: »

Has it coloured your opinion of men?

I suppose I was a little surprised by how they both developed relatively easily with normal people. Not this I had given it much thought, but if I had I’d have said that affairs were for other people, people who lived different kinds of lives to me and those I was with. I’m not articulating this well, but I never thought it was something that was under my nose.

I do wonder if the majority of mistresses are single though, I’m not sure how many married women seek out affairs. Though I’ve nothing other than intuition to base that on!

What has really coloured my opinion of men though is how controlling and possessive the first guy became. That was nothing to do with the fact he was married, it was just his nature. In hindsight I would say it was an emotionally abusuve relationship, though that aspect of it was so insidious in its development that I didn’t realize it for a while. I’m now very alert to the early red flags of controlling abusuve behaviour.

(I’m not proffering that as any sort of excuse or justification for my participation)

I've had an affair, AMA

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you think that your lack of self esteem and weight issues fed into you having these affairs?

Yes, definitely, in that I was so thankful for the attention that I was very unlikely to turn it down.

Again, not using it as an excuse, just part of the jigsaw.

sydthebeat

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

Yes, definitely, in that I was so thankful for the attention that I was very unlikely to turn it down.

Again, not using it as an excuse, just part of the jigsaw.

Hopefully not off topic but, how are you doing now?
Has your self esteem been affected by these relationships, for either good or bad?

I've had an affair, AMA

sydthebeat wrote: »

Hopefully not off topic but, how are you doing now?
Has your self esteem been affected by these relationships, for either good or bad?

I’m doing well. I went for counselling sessions last year to work on my self esteem and I found it really helpful. I’m in a good place now.

Thanks for asking!

Neyite

Do you think you would embark on another affair with someone who is married now or is that just a part of your past?

Gleefulprinter

1. Would you stay with your husband if he cheated on you or would you shrug it off or what?

2. Did you ever seen the wives on the street during or after the affairs, with the husbands or not? Do you know who they are?

3. They both had kids. Did you think of the family at all or did you think it was all on them?

4. This is going to sound horrible but sure here it goes. You sound manipulative yourself. The men shouldn't have had affairs and they were wrong. But you knew what was happneing as well and went along with it while the wife sat at home looking after the kids. This couldn't have happened without you. Now it is, well i had self esteem issues. Seems to me you used the men just as much as they used you.

I remember a number of years ago during a group thing in college the topic of online dating came up. One man expressed his distaste for the whole thing. He told a story about a colleague who was planning on going to Australia to meet a man she had connected with. He thought she was crazy. He was engaged to be married himself, successful, attractive. There were murmurings of agreement from some others in the group, ¨oh my God what was she thinking¨ etc etc. United in their moralising.



What I was thinking was something different. How easy and what a luxury it is to voice your opinion from a position of love and security, to look with disdain upon the person who is searching so desperately for what you have. OP I think you are brave to do this AMA. It would be great if we all followed the rules but stuff happens. It doesn´t mean we are bad or stupid or irresponsible. Sometimes it means we want a little bit of that attention too and that love. I have no question for you. I just wanted to give you my perspective.


Mind yourself.

JeffKenna

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

I’m doing well. I went for counselling sessions last year to work on my self esteem and I found it really helpful. I’m in a good place now.

Thanks for asking!

In fairness you come across as a lovely person and I hope you stay in that good place.
Thanks for taking the time to answer all the questions!

Thanks for replies so far.

What do you think that motives you towards affairs V's overt lasting relationships?

Do you think you'll continue with "work husbands" into the future or is that day over after your counselling?

What scares you more- another affair or a stable long-term monogamous relationship?