Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

I've had an affair, AMA

professore wrote: »

In other words she moaned about something she could easily do something about since 1996 but chose not to. It's called codependence.

While legally she might have had the ability to do something about it, morally and culturally she did not. She is a deeply conservative Catholic and would never end her marriage. She would see staying even if unhappy as her duty, no doubt to be rewarded for sacrifice in the afterlife. I don’t share her views, but there are plenty that do.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

This is really interesting, thank you. You really do express yourself very well, and not just about the affairs.

1. Do you think your experience has made you more aware of affairs going on around you? Like when you're in the office do you ever see two colleagues and have a good hunch something's going on?

2. Your parents' marriage seems to have deeply affected you and you mention having at least one sibling, being as vague as you like are their relationship histories a bit more "standard" than yours?

3. You've said you feel a degree of shame around the affairs, at least to the extent of not telling those close to you apart from your sister. I know it can be a bit of Jesuitical distinction but is that because you feel ashamed of the actions in and of themselves, or because you just don't want them to change their opinion of you but don't feel you have anything to be ashamed of?

4. How do you think you'd react if someone in your life came to you and told you they were somebody's mistress/loverboy? Would you share your own story with them, judge them, what advice if any would you give them?

Nokia6230i

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Don’t understand how exactly you diverted his phone messages but well done on the messing with his head, it would have been hilarious if you weren’t going through hell at the time. Where did you learn to do that?

Basically she edited the other womans number which he, her husband had saved under a males (think she said a male work colleague/acquaintance) name.

Ergo he constantly thought, from then on, he was texting his "bit on the side".

Schoolboy error is that; amateur hour like.

ALWAYS check the digits of the number your intending to ring or sending the text to.

He clearly didn't know his mistresses number off by heart.

I've had an affair, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

That's what i was thinking- it's certainly one of the top 10 reasons not to have an affair. The first few weeks might be exciting for all sorts of reasons but what then- where does it end up?

Exactly.... despite the perception that there’s an additional thrill to it, it ends up being even more pedestrian than regular relationships!

Deleted User wrote: »

As others have said, a very enlightening thread and I think you seem to be getting something worthwhile from it also. thanks.

Thank you!

Deleted User wrote: »

1. I can't help but feel you're quite a serious/reflective individual overall- as opposed to someone who's "fun/spontaneous/carefree- would that be an accurate description of you? (just going by how you respond to thread Q's)

I’m certainly quite reflective. I think this partly stems from spending a lot of time on my own! I live alone, I don’t have any family nearby and most of my friends are scattered throughout the country. I moved to this place for work, knowing nobody and while I have made good friends here they are all married with kids so any nights out need to be planned well in advance. I don’t have a group of friends that meet regularly etc, so I spend most of my non-work time alone. This suits me, as I’m naturally an introvert but it does leave me with a lot of time to think!

I can be fun and spontaneous too...but in a controlled way!!!

Deleted User wrote: »

2. You mentioned that one of the men tried to control you somewhat, say with supplying food etc - however, I would have thought that you, as a woman, were much more in control of the relationship? what are your thoughts on that?

I don’t really understand the question. Do you mean that women are generally more in control in relationships? Maybe I’ve misinterpreted that - if you clarify I’ll come back to it.

When I say that he was controlling though, I mean that really it was what would now be called an emotionally abusuve relationship. He tried to isolate me from my family and friends, was insanely jealous of any man I encountered, read my texts and emails, turned up in pubs where I was with my friends and watched from afar etc etc. the food thing was, I now believe, an effort to ensure it was even less likely any other man would show an interest.

Deleted User wrote: »

And now for some total and utter trivia (which if you are a more serious individual, then you'll probably hate answering)- it is AMA afterall:P

Why not?!

Deleted User wrote: »

3. Average length of time you'd spend on any one liaison with your "partner"- i.e. a few hours, a day etc?

Man 1: in the initial weeks, a few hours. I was ok with that at the start cos it was just sex, but as I began to fall for him I wanted more time with him. He then started staying overnight. Once or twice we spent most of the day on a Sunday together as he told his wife he was going to a GAA match.

Man 2: it was only ever overnights.

Deleted User wrote: »

4. How often did you meet up?

Man 1: initially once or twice a week, progressed to 4 or 5 times a week (not all overnights, obviously)

Man 2: every 4 or 5 weeks maybe, not a regular/frequent thing.

Deleted User wrote: »

5. What sort of things did you talk about? i.e. future together, how sick he was of his wife, the weather

Man 1: getting to know a lot about each other in terms of family, growing up, experiences in college, other relationships, interests, day to day stuff. We never planned a future together, although he did raise it from time to time. His home situation came up a lot, what he was telling his wife, what she was saying or asking him etc.

Man 2: sex. What each of us liked, fantasized about, always wanted to try but hadn’t dared ask anyone etc. Never anything serious.

Deleted User wrote: »

6. When staying in hotels, did you mostly eat in the room?

Man 1: only ever stayed in a hotel on one occasion when we went away fir 2 nights. We went out to a restaurant those nights.

Man 2: it was always at work conferences so there would be a work dinner with a good few people then some would go to the bar. You wouldn’t have gotten away with skipping the dinner with the group.

Deleted User wrote: »

7. Who pays for what? Was it about 50:50 or did he mostly pay the bills, meals, drinks etc

Man 1: there were only a handful of meals and drinks from those two nights away, it was more or less 50/50, you pay tonight, I’ll pay tomorrow etc.

Man 2: we took turns with rounds. Work were paying for our hotel rooms.

Deleted User wrote: »

8. What's the most he spent on you in one evening?

Man 1: Dunno.... dinner and drinks for us both €100-150 maybe. I’d have paid the next night.

Man 2: however much 5 G&Ts cost I suppose!

You’re not the first to ask questions about me being bought stuff or being paid for...I certainly wasn’t being showered with gifts or having my lifestyle paid for. In fact, with man 1 my salary would have been about twice his.

Deleted User wrote: »

9. Did you keep any presents you were given?

The presents were from man 1 for birthday and Christmas. Once we were finished I chucked them, and all other reminders of him, out.

Deleted User wrote: »

10. What was it like ending the relationships?

Man 1: I discussed this earlier but basically he turned psycho, threatened to kill himself, tried telling me he was seriously ill, that his wife had made him homeless etc. harassed me for a good few months, almost a year I think. That would be hard in any circumstances but the fact that I had to cope with it on my own made it so much harder. I couldn’t get support from any friends cos they knew nothing about him. As they say, you never know how strong you can be until you know how strong you have to be.

Man 2: never officially ended, just fizzled out as work circumstances changed and we were no longer meeting as often.

Deleted User wrote: »

11. What does the future hold for you in terms of relationships with men?

Again I’ve addressed this earlier, but essentially casual types only.

Deleted User wrote: »

12. At the start of the affair, did you discuss what sort of relationship this would be (i.e. lay your cards on the table in terms of what you wanted/didn't want to happen) or did you just both ignore that side of things?

(edit- sorry, I see you've explained this earlier in the thread)- so was this your way of controlling what ultimately would happen? If So, how did you think it would end? Also, obviously the first one ended badly- him being "controlling" etc- the other one, you seemed to really like him a lot- what happened with that one?)

Yes, I thought being upfront from the start would mean that we were both in agreement and thus there’d be no hassle when it came to finishing. I thought we would have a no-strings-attached emotionally unattached fling. It didn’t go according to plan with man 1, as I outlined.


Man 2, as I said it just fizzled out due to lack of opportunity. The boundaries that each of us had were very clear, there was no contact outside of the nights together, never even to ask if the other was going to a specific meeting. So we never had a conversation in which we officially ended it.

You said I seemed to really like him... yes and no. Yes in that he was a nice guy with whom I got on well and who was good fun. And dynamite in bed. No in that I did not fall for him or end up in love with him.

Phew! That took a while!

I've had an affair, AMA

professore wrote: »

One thing I've learned from listening to my parents is that I would have said the same thing about them, my mum the eternal victim and my dad some kind of evil uncaring monster. As I've gotten older and now my dad has passed away I see another side to the story. My dad literally was harassed from one end of the day to the other about not being good enough etc etc and actually had the patience of a saint. So when you say he treated her like crap, belittle and undermine her etc you may not be seeing the full picture. I could be completely off base here but just something to consider.

No, in my parents case, while my mother is a martyr and her own worst enemy in some ways, my father is definitely an abusive domineering controlling man.

I've had an affair, AMA

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Fair play to you for losing all the weight, OP, sounds like you were morbidly obese rather than obese, so that can't have been an easy task losing so much.

Best of luck and well done on deciding to do this AMA.

Thank you!

Yeah, I was morbidly obese. Evan after losing 10 stone I am still not skinny. I’m not fat now, but I don’t think I’ll ever be described as slender or svelte!

It was a gargantuan effort, if you’ll pardon the pun and took almost 3 years.

Bridget Clarke

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Wow!!!!
You are either bat sh*t crazy or a genius but either way I like you!!
Do you mind me asking you if they are still together as far as you know?
Did he try crawl back to you?

Thank you Purple Mountain! I'm quite flattered by your post. And (sardonic laugh) no, they are not still together! Sex on garden benches & being tied up with rugby socks is all very well. Cleaning Guinness skid marks of the jacks daily (as I did for 17 years) can be a bit of a passion killer.

I've had an affair, AMA

Ember Warm Food wrote: »

This is really interesting, thank you. You really do express yourself very well, and not just about the affairs.

1. Do you think your experience has made you more aware of affairs going on around you? Like when you're in the office do you ever see two colleagues and have a good hunch something's going on?

2. Your parents' marriage seems to have deeply affected you and you mention having at least one sibling, being as vague as you like are their relationship histories a bit more "standard" than yours?

3. You've said you feel a degree of shame around the affairs, at least to the extent of not telling those close to you apart from your sister. I know it can be a bit of Jesuitical distinction but is that because you feel ashamed of the actions in and of themselves, or because you just don't want them to change their opinion of you but don't feel you have anything to be ashamed of?

4. How do you think you'd react if someone in your life came to you and told you they were somebody's mistress/loverboy? Would you share your own story with them, judge them, what advice if any would you give them?

Thank you.

1. I was surprised how easily both started, really. I didn’t really think ‘people like me’ had affairs. I don’t know quite who I thought had affairs, but I didn’t think it was ordinary people in my social circle.

I don’t think I’m any more clued in now to others potentially having an affair.

2. All my siblings got married, 2 of them subsequently divorced. They all have kids. So standard enough really. Mind you, only one of them knows my history so maybe they’re all up to shenanigans and I just don’t know about it! On a serious note, I think all of them bar the one sister I did tell would be disgusted with me if they knew.

3. That is Jesuitical! There’s two elements. I certainly am keen to preserve my reputation and to avoid judgement from others, particularly those I love. That’s probably the biggest motivator for me if I’m to be honest. I do have a sense of shame about my involvement too, though I don’t go round all sackcloth and ashes about it.

4. That’s actually a very topical question as a friend of mine is currently having an affair with someone. I know that her marriage isn’t great, she’s been telling us that for a long time and I’ve heard her husband on the phone to her, giving her dogs abuse. They’re not having sex as all he seems to do is smoke dope and play PlayStation til all hours. She is desperately craving sexual attention and “feeling like a woman, feeling alive” so in recent weeks she has been sleeping with someone, who himself is single.

I haven’t told her my history, but I have told her that I can see and understand why she is doing it. I’ve also said that particularly because the guy is a local she is playing with fire and potentially making a bad situation even worse, in that if her husband found out it would likely expedite the end of the marriage and cause such ill-feeling that things would become irredeemably bitter.

I haven’t gone into the moral issues with her, more looked at potential consequences etc.

She keeps coming back to the issue of wanting intimacy... I did say that a one night stand in a town the other end of the country would be better than shagging a guy who lives 2 miles down the road.

I feel for her, cos I know some of what she’s going through, and I think it’s a car crash situation if it continues.

Dyr

Bridget Clarke wrote: »

My command of the English language is insufficient to describe how I felt the day I discovered my husband was cheating on me. He had accidentally left his phone at home, it beeped & I assumed he was texting me from another phone, for me to bring it to him. It wasn't. It was 'the other woman'. Words cannot describe how sickened I was.
I took a note of the number, which was listed in his contacts as a male colleague. Then I went off & bought a burner phone and replaced 'her' number with the new number - BLAH BLAH BLAH

I've had an affair, AMA

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

Thank you!

I’m certainly quite reflective. I think this partly stems from spending a lot of time on my own! I live alone, I don’t have any family nearby and most of my friends are scattered throughout the country. I moved to this place for work, knowing nobody and while I have made good friends here they are all married with kids so any nights out need to be planned well in advance. I don’t have a group of friends that meet regularly etc, so I spend most of my non-work time alone. This suits me, as I’m naturally an introvert but it does leave me with a lot of time to think!

I can be fun and spontaneous too...but in a controlled way!!!

Well, stay well... the question came from the perspective that you rarely post :D;) sort of comments or smileys...didn't really have an "angle" in terms of the question- more an observation - maybe this was reflective of the type of relationship you chose to participate in? (not necessarily a question but do continue if you want)

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

I don’t really understand the question. Do you mean that women are generally more in control in relationships? Maybe I’ve misinterpreted that - if you clarify I’ll come back to it.

Not sure I understand it either!:p

I think where I was coming from was more in the general sense of women in general- that they have the upper hand in terms of the control of the relationship when it comes to affairs? But what you posted in your reply does provide a different perspective i.e. even when both parties want similar things in an affair situation , one party can become "manipulative" and can become some sort of dominant power.

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

Phew! That took a while!

Sorry about that

Bridget Clarke

Bambi wrote: »

Indeed I did, and I did worse! I also set up a line of communication with 'her' - masquerading as a poor misfortune who had had a glorious night of passion with a one night stand & had gotten her number, but a digit or two were obscured.... so I was allegedly texting all combinations of the number 'in the hope of finding her'. As expected, the dumb cluck fell for it & greatly contributed to my knowledge of their 'comings' and goings! I've actually written a book about it & am currently trying to have it published.

Bridget Clarke

Bridget Clarke wrote: »

Indeed I did, and I did worse! I also set up a line of communication with 'her' - masquerading as a poor misfortune who had had a glorious night of passion with a one night stand & had gotten her number, but a digit or two were obscured.... so I was allegedly texting all combinations of the number 'in the hope of finding her'. As expected, the dumb cluck fell for it & greatly contributed to my knowledge of their 'comings' and goings! I've actually written a book about it & am currently trying to have it published.

Why don't you contact the mods here and have an AMA for yourself ?

Bridget Clarke

Deleted User wrote: »

Why don't you contact the mods here and have an AMA for yourself ?

Under what heading? Suggestions welcome

Bridget Clarke

Bridget Clarke wrote: »

Under what heading? Suggestions welcome

Post in this thread with your interest ..
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057777894&page=6

Or contact this mod by PM to discuss further.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/member.php?u=409357

Hammer89

I don't have much to add or ask, but congratulations on the weight loss - a phenomenal feat - and congratulations on being strong enough to end things with the first bloke.

Purple Mountain

Bridget Clarke wrote: »

Under what heading? Suggestions welcome

Now You're Talking..To A Woman Scorned..

Purple Mountain

Bridget Clarke wrote: »

I've actually written a book about it & am currently trying to have it published.

I'll preorder that one!

[QUOTE=Bridget Clarke;107168205! I've actually written a book about it & am currently trying to have it published.[/QUOTE]

Title suggestion: Bridget Clarke, Ho, Ho Ho! (Christmas release) :pac::pac:

Bridget Clarke

Apologies to OP for the minor thread hijacking. All yours again. Slithering back into oblivion now...

Purple Mountain

Bridget Clarke wrote: »

Apologies to OP for the minor thread hijacking. All yours again. Slithering back into oblivion now...

Ahhh nooo.. where can we see your work Bridget

professore

I've had an affair, AMA wrote: »

Thank you!

Yeah, I was morbidly obese. Evan after losing 10 stone I am still not skinny. I’m not fat now, but I don’t think I’ll ever be described as slender or svelte!

It was a gargantuan effort, if you’ll pardon the pun and took almost 3 years.

Well done on that - serious achievement! Do you think there were psychological factors that led you to put on all that weight in the first place?

Gloomtastic!

While having the affairs were you very strict when it came to contraception?

The second one, due to it’s drunken nature, must have left you exposed on occasions.

Heckler

You were taken advantage of by utter bellend husbands. They had no interest in you at all. Congrats on the weight loss but it seems like you had esteem issues and were grateful for any sexual interest. Which came from married men who'd stick their dick in anything other than their wives.

I've had an affair, AMA

professore wrote: »

Well done on that - serious achievement! Do you think there were psychological factors that led you to put on all that weight in the first place?

Thank you.

There must have been some, you don’t get to be that size with a healthy psychological mindset, but I think most of it was lifestyle, laziness and some genetic influence.
I was always chubby as a kid, and as a 17 year old doing my leaving cert I was wearing a size 16. In college things improved cos I was walking everywhere so lost weight, but once I started working I had money for taxis and for ordering takeaways etc. when I bought my first car I became very sedentary altogether.

I’m not a good cook, and am lazy by nature so would often just get a takeaway or eat pure rubbish instead of cooking. When you live alone it’s easy to do that!
Also, all my family are fat. My parents, their siblings, and my siblings. Not all obese, (some are) but all are definitely fat. Whether that’s genes or lifestyle or both is for someone more intelligent than me to thrash out, but there’s something there.

While I’ve overhauled my lifestyle majorly, the old temptations are still there, and it’s hard at times to resist say getting a Chinese, particularly when either drunk or hungover. When sober, and when in a usual routine it’s relatively easy manage, but at the same time my eating habits are something I think I’m more conscious of than most people are of theirs, if that makes sense.

I've had an affair, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

While having the affairs were you very strict when it came to contraception?

The second one, due to it’s drunken nature, must have left you exposed on occasions.

With the first, I went on the pill before we had sex and we used condoms.

With the second, I was still on the pill so covered in terms of contraception but we didn’t always use condoms.

I've had an affair, AMA

Heckler wrote: »

You were taken advantage of by utter bellend husbands. They had no interest in you at all. Congrats on the weight loss but it seems like you had esteem issues and were grateful for any sexual interest. Which came from married men who'd stick their dick in anything other than their wives.

Ah look, I’m not absolving myself of responsibility at all, but I do think the weight/esteem issues played a part and I was more vulnerable (for want of a better word) than others might have been to getting sucked in. But I was an adult and knew what I was at all the same. I don’t mean to be trying to paint myself as a major victim in all of this.

Tell me how

If you found out that the husband of a friend of yours was cheating on your friend, would tell your friend, confront the husband or stay out of it?

What would be the motivation for your decision?

SuperRabbit

I apologise I haven't been able to read much of the thread because this makes me uncomfortable. That is definately my thing and something I will need to work through in my life and I am grateful to you for bringing my attention to it.

I wanted to ask, if it hasn't been asked already, you've had these two experiences and it sounds like they are things you would not do again. What sort of meaning have you found in the experiences? What do you wish you could teach your past self? How do you think the way these events affected you will affect who you are as a person, how you see the world, how you interact with people, and what decisions you make, in the rest of your life?

tmh106

Hi OP.

Well done on this thread - one of the more interesting threads I have read on boards recently. Thank you for your honesty and openness in your replies and the amount of time and detail you put into them. I realise you are anonymous here, but I think it still take courage to be as honest and open as you are.

And, for me at least, I think I would find you attractive because your seem, from your replies here, to be a thoughtful and considerate person and someone who has an openness and curiosity about sex that I would find exciting. Your weight would not really be something that would make a lot of difference for me - I am more attracted to what is going on in someone's head than what they look like. Having said that, I'm glad of, an in admiration of, your weight loss, because it seems like something that was important to you and also because it undoubtably should lead to a healthier life for you.

My question is: what do you work at, and do you think the nature of your work, or work environment, contributed to the affairs? I ask because you talked of being away for conferences and meetings. I'd imagine that is the kind of environment where affairs and/or one night stands can be more prevalent because the opportunity is greater and there tends to be alcohol involved. Also, obviously easier for a married person to "play away from home" when they are literally away from home.

Dyr

Deleted User wrote: »

Why don't you contact the mods here and have an AMA for yourself ?

I'd say it'd be great

Now you're talking - to a pathological spoofer