Gaslighting

Away With The Fairies · 26-10-2020 8:02pm #1

Has anyone ever had this done to them?

Just horrible behaviour thrown at you and when you point out how hurtful and nasty their behaviour is they make up excuses that don't make sense and no genuine apology. Or an apology but no change in the behaviour. Then if you react badly at all, they blame your reaction and turn it around on you.

What is wrong with these people?

TuringBot47 · 26-10-2020 8:17pm

Are you sure you're not imagining it?

HAMMERCURRENT · 26-10-2020 8:18pm

They probably have mental health issues or a personality disorder and cannot control this behaviour.

COVID · 26-10-2020 8:24pm

Ignore them, they're away with the fairies.

Away With The Fairies · 26-10-2020 8:30pm

TuringBot47 wrote: »

Are you sure you're not imagining it?

Such a gaslighting question.

.anon. · 26-10-2020 8:31pm

Away With The Fairies wrote: »

Then if you react badly at all, they blame your reaction and turn it around on you.

You need to calm down. Total overreaction, as usual.

chrissb8 · 26-10-2020 8:32pm

Away With The Fairies wrote: »

Such a gaslighting question.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 26-10-2020 8:35pm

Absolutely. More than once. Best reaction is to call them out on it directly. You just sit back and ask, "tell me, do you gaslight people often, or am I the first?". Of course, they'll deny it, at which point you say, "the fact that you don;t recognise it indictaes it's the former".

Done.

Sky King · 26-10-2020 8:47pm

That oul gaslighting went out when the electric came in.

TuringBot47 · 26-10-2020 8:48pm

In fairness, I had to look up what "gaslighting" meant... I thought it was when people ignite their own farts.

mariaalice · 26-10-2020 9:13pm

The routes of it are probably poor self-esteem and jealously along with no insight into themselves.

Away With The Fairies · 26-10-2020 9:13pm

mariaalice wrote: »

The routes of it are probably poor self-esteem and jealously along with no insight into themselves.

Absolutely

JeffKenna · 26-10-2020 9:15pm

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Absolutely. More than once. Best reaction is to call them out on it directly. You just sit back and ask, "tell me, do you gaslight people often, or am I the first?". Of course, they'll deny it, at which point you say, "the fact that you don;t recognise it indictaes it's the former".

Done.

Or the fact they don't recognise it could mean you're gaslighting them?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 26-10-2020 9:40pm

JeffKenna wrote: »

Or the fact they don't recognise it could mean you're gaslighting them?

Wouldn't rule it out

- the trick is to get them on the defensive.

irishblessing · 26-10-2020 10:00pm

Toxic people are the worst.

Alejandro68 · 26-10-2020 10:10pm

How did they come up with this term gaslighting?

valoren · 26-10-2020 10:16pm

Alejandro68 wrote: »

How did they come up with this term gaslighting?

From a play and the movie adaptation of it.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gas_Light

ILoveYourVibes · 26-10-2020 10:17pm

Yes ....but it backfired on them BIG TIME.

Don't worry about it op ...karma sorts those people out. Just move to a happier climate.

ChikiChiki · 26-10-2020 10:18pm

Away With The Fairies wrote: »

Such a gaslighting question.

Username is apt.

valoren · 26-10-2020 10:18pm

Milhouse: Remember when he ate my goldfish, then you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!

An exemplary example of gaslighting.

ILoveYourVibes · 26-10-2020 10:19pm

ChikiChiki wrote: »

Username is apt.

Then she is happier than most.

ILoveYourVibes · 26-10-2020 10:21pm

valoren wrote: »

Milhouse: Remember when he ate my goldfish, then you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!

An exemplary example of gaslighting.

Look goldfish are easy to kill.

Kids don't stand a chance.

There is a gaslight at the end of the tunnel.

gigantic09 · 26-10-2020 10:26pm

valoren wrote: »

From a play and the movie adaptation of it.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gas_Light

The original British movie from 1940 is on u tube. Well worth a look for any fan of old black and white cinema.

Kylta · 26-10-2020 10:38pm

Alejandro68 wrote: »

How did they come up with this term gaslighting?

Named after a film with the same name, which contains the actions of what gaslighting is all about. An old movie too if im not mistaken

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 26-10-2020 10:45pm

valoren wrote: »

Milhouse: Remember when he ate my goldfish, then you said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?!

An exemplary example of gaslighting.

Well if that is what you think, I've got something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows: I'm not wearing a tie at all.

katiek102010 · 26-10-2020 11:22pm

Alejandro68 wrote: »

How did they come up with this term gaslighting?

It's from a hichcock film. The husband tries to make the wife think she is insane. He starts by turning on and off lights and trying to convince her that she has done it.

The lights were gas, hence the phrase. Its the first time psychological abuse was publicly addressed as a form of domestic abuse

COVID · 26-10-2020 11:34pm

katiek102010 wrote: »

It's from a hichcock film. The husband tries to make the wife think she is insane. He starts by turning on and off lights and trying to convince her that she has done it.

The lights were gas, hence the phrase. Its the first time psychological abuse was publicly addressed as a form of domestic abuse

Hitchcock didn't direct 'Gaslight'.

Alejandro68 · 26-10-2020 11:41pm

It just makes me think of a person lighting the gas lanterns in the 1800's.That you see in the old films. I was just curious how that meant something more modern and political.

Mad_maxx · 26-10-2020 11:43pm

my father was very adept at " gaslighting "

katiek102010 · 26-10-2020 11:45pm

COVID wrote: »

Hitchcock didn't direct 'Gaslight'.

My apologies, I was convinced it was Hichcock

COVID · 26-10-2020 11:57pm

katiek102010 wrote: »

My apologies, I was convinced it was Hichcock

No probs, it was a 'psychological thriller', so his type of film.

Rezident · 27-10-2020 12:26am

Had to google 'gaslighting' (sounds like more superfluous divisiveness based on a lack of understanding of the clear differences betweeen the sexes), but I do not see how anyone could convince me that I have mental health issues in the absence of any. If someone told me that I was insane, I think that would say more about them that me, assuming I was not behaving insanely.

There are common misunderstandings between men who don't understand women (and vice versa), e.g. when juvenile males call a girl 'crazy' because women make decisions based on their emotions, as they are different to men and many young people have not learnt this yet.

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

beveragelady · 27-10-2020 12:29am

katiek102010 wrote: »

It's from a hichcock film. The husband tries to make the wife think she is insane. He starts by turning on and off lights and trying to convince her that she has done it.

The lights were gas, hence the phrase. Its the first time psychological abuse was publicly addressed as a form of domestic abuse

I have never seen the film but I think in the play it was that he was telling his wife that he was going out, but he was actually rooting about in an attic. He needed lights to do that but whenever he turned on lights upstairs the gaslights downstairs were dimming, indicating to the wife that there was somebody else in the house. He tried to convince her she was imagining it and drove her almost insane.

katiek102010 · 27-10-2020 1:19am

Rezident wrote: »

Had to google 'gaslighting' (sounds like more superfluous divisiveness based on a lack of understanding of the clear differences betweeen the sexes), but I do not see how anyone could convince me that I have mental health issues in the absence of any. If someone told me that I was insane, I think that would say more about them that me, assuming I was not behaving insanely.

There are common misunderstandings between men who don't understand women (and vice versa), e.g. when juvenile males call a girl 'crazy' because women make decisions based on their emotions, as they are different to men and many young people have not learnt this yet.

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

It is very difficult to understand. It is a common tatic used by narcissisticits. It is usually very subtle and over a prolonged period of time.

An example I have come across:

A manager at work was bullying a girl, 2 another members of staff walked in during an instance and gave evidence at internal hearing at work. Manager got a slap on the wrist and was left stay at work while the bully left.

The manager decided he wanted rid of the 2 who gave evidence.

It started with him verbally telling them to do things and then denying it. They put a formal request to him that all instructions came via email. They then noticed emails would disappear, files they had created and stored on the system were gone. They started forwarding the emails to another manager along with copies of files etc.

The whole situation lasted over a period of 18 months. One of the member sod staff was even accused of theft. His system claimed he was in a certain place on a certain day and had collected a couple of grand in cash.

By that time the union and alternative manager were working behind the scenes and collecting evidence. The manager was eventually sacked or I should say forced to retire. He was walked out the door by security. Only because when he was approached by the alternative manager and a union rep he physically attacked the man.

It had a huge psychological impact on the staff involved. It emerged he had gone to IT and was given remote log on access to the staffs laptops and work phones. He went to extreme lengths. He was accessing voicemails, deleting them and then claiming clients were logging complaints about the staff members. . He even risked court cases by attempting to destroy evidence. He followed them. Both staff complained of the same thing. One saw him standing in the airport watching her when she came back from a holiday.

He was caught because he never checked the sent mail when deleting work of the system and the day he claimed the member of staff stole the money, he logged that onto the system incorrectly. At the time the cash was collected the man who was blamed was actually undergoing tests as he was convinced his memory was going.

After he left it emerged that thousands had gone missing without a trace over a number of years.

He was one nasty piece of work.

ILoveYourVibes · 27-10-2020 5:38am

Rezident wrote: »

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

Ah but its the 21st century you can't say that now in schools here. 'Men and women are the same ..depending on the individual'

Or male psychology is better ..or the female one is better.

Graces7 · 27-10-2020 6:08am

.anon. wrote: »

You need to calm down. Total overreaction, as usual.

You all say that - until it happens to you..:eek:

Quantum Erasure · 27-10-2020 6:20am

'Gaslighting' huh?

Next we'll be talking about 'narcissists' and 'empaths'... love the amateur armchair psychology that these threads bring up...

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! · 27-10-2020 6:22am

Gaslighting is just yet another pointless modern buzzword to add to the pile...

We're going to run out of space in our heads for all these descriptors of BS soon enough. :P

Some people are just mental midgets in terms of dealing with conflict resolution in their daily lives. That would be my overarching analysis of that particular term.

ILoveYourVibes · 27-10-2020 6:24am

katiek102010 wrote: »

It is very difficult to understand. It is a common tatic used by narcissisticits. It is usually very subtle and over a prolonged period of time.

An example I have come across:

A manager at work was bullying a girl, 2 another members of staff walked in during an instance and gave evidence at internal hearing at work. Manager got a slap on the wrist and was left stay at work while the bully left.

The manager decided he wanted rid of the 2 who gave evidence.

It started with him verbally telling them to do things and then denying it. They put a formal request to him that all instructions came via email. They then noticed emails would disappear, files they had created and stored on the system were gone. They started forwarding the emails to another manager along with copies of files etc.

The whole situation lasted over a period of 18 months. One of the member sod staff was even accused of theft. His system claimed he was in a certain place on a certain day and had collected a couple of grand in cash.

By that time the union and alternative manager were working behind the scenes and collecting evidence. The manager was eventually sacked or I should say forced to retire. He was walked out the door by security. Only because when he was approached by the alternative manager and a union rep he physically attacked the man.

It had a huge psychological impact on the staff involved. It emerged he had gone to IT and was given remote log on access to the staffs laptops and work phones. He went to extreme lengths. He was accessing voicemails, deleting them and then claiming clients were logging complaints about the staff members. . He even risked court cases by attempting to destroy evidence. He followed them. Both staff complained of the same thing. One saw him standing in the airport watching her when she came back from a holiday.

He was caught because he never checked the sent mail when deleting work of the system and the day he claimed the member of staff stole the money, he logged that onto the system incorrectly. At the time the cash was collected the man who was blamed was actually undergoing tests as he was convinced his memory was going.

After he left it emerged that thousands had gone missing without a trace over a number of years.

He was one nasty piece of work.

This happened to a girl i used to work with someone accused her of stealing. Apparently the woman who was the accuser bullied her for ages and did something similar.

I came just before it came out. I was related distantly to a person in the office and they told me.
The girl she accused was only like 20. She accused her of stealing company vouchers.

Jequ0n · 27-10-2020 8:01am

It’s actually quite a handy technique, and yes, I do use it. I couldn’t care less what others think about it.

pickarooney · 27-10-2020 8:15am

Alejandro68 wrote: »

It just makes me think of a person lighting the gas lanterns in the 1800's.That you see in the old films. I was just curious how that meant something more modern and political.

Ní raibh sé mór an fear
Níor dheas a bhí ach gráine

ILoveYourVibes · 27-10-2020 8:15am

Jequ0n wrote: »

It’s actually quite a handy technique, and yes, I do use it. I couldn’t care less what others think about it.

Yeah ive noticed.

Wanderer78 · 27-10-2020 8:19am

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! wrote:

Some people are just mental midgets in terms of dealing with conflict resolution in their daily lives. That would be my overarching analysis of that particular term.

What's a mental midget?

Jequ0n · 27-10-2020 8:23am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Yeah ive noticed.

So you think

ILoveYourVibes · 27-10-2020 8:27am

Jequ0n wrote: »

So you think

We need to raise the vibrations of this thread.

Phoenix32 · 27-10-2020 8:35am

I have BPD so I grew up with a mother that gaslighted the sh1t out of me.

Wanderer78 · 27-10-2020 8:37am

Phoenix32 wrote:

I have BPD so I grew up with a mother that gaslighted the sh1t out of me.

Hope you're getting help with it, very painful disorder

moonage · 27-10-2020 8:40am

Kylta wrote: »

Named after a film with the same name, which contains the actions of what gaslighting is all about. An old movie too if im not mistaken

There's also a 1944 film called Fanny by Gaslight.

It sounds quite interesting.

KathleenGrant · 27-10-2020 8:42am

Had it done to me by the last man i lived with. Nothing really dramatic but small lies. Food I was thinking of using for dinner wasn't there when i was sure it was. Birthday cards i bought couldn't be found and he would convince me i never had them. He would come home late now and again and swear he had forewarned me but i wouldn't remember.

It was horrendous and left me thinking i had early dementia (my mother suffered from dementia and he knew it was a real fear of mine). I was going through some stressful family stuff and believed the stress had me imagining things if not dementia.

He moved out and left 2 months rent unpaid. He swore to the landlord that he had given this money to me and i had "forgotten". He detailed other instances of my forgetfulness to him and I still am not sure what the landlord believes.

Six months ago when cleaning i found a box on the top of the wardrobe with birthday cards.

He was a nasty piece of work and he did me a favour when he left. I didn't think that at the time but i would have been a broken person now if he stayed.

Wanderer78 · 27-10-2020 8:43am

KathleenGrant wrote:

He was a nasty piece of work and he did me a favour when he left. I didn't think that at the time but i would have been a broken person now if he stayed.

What a fcuking cnut

little bird · 27-10-2020 9:14am

Similar thing happened to me Kathleen but this involved a colleague I was helping get through a rough patch. I'm still dealing with the scars and have serious trust issues as a result. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Gaslighting

Comments