Gaslighting

Rezident

Had to google 'gaslighting' (sounds like more superfluous divisiveness based on a lack of understanding of the clear differences betweeen the sexes), but I do not see how anyone could convince me that I have mental health issues in the absence of any. If someone told me that I was insane, I think that would say more about them that me, assuming I was not behaving insanely.

There are common misunderstandings between men who don't understand women (and vice versa), e.g. when juvenile males call a girl 'crazy' because women make decisions based on their emotions, as they are different to men and many young people have not learnt this yet.

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

beveragelady

katiek102010 wrote: »

It's from a hichcock film. The husband tries to make the wife think she is insane. He starts by turning on and off lights and trying to convince her that she has done it.

The lights were gas, hence the phrase. Its the first time psychological abuse was publicly addressed as a form of domestic abuse

I have never seen the film but I think in the play it was that he was telling his wife that he was going out, but he was actually rooting about in an attic. He needed lights to do that but whenever he turned on lights upstairs the gaslights downstairs were dimming, indicating to the wife that there was somebody else in the house. He tried to convince her she was imagining it and drove her almost insane.

katiek102010

Rezident wrote: »

Had to google 'gaslighting' (sounds like more superfluous divisiveness based on a lack of understanding of the clear differences betweeen the sexes), but I do not see how anyone could convince me that I have mental health issues in the absence of any. If someone told me that I was insane, I think that would say more about them that me, assuming I was not behaving insanely.

There are common misunderstandings between men who don't understand women (and vice versa), e.g. when juvenile males call a girl 'crazy' because women make decisions based on their emotions, as they are different to men and many young people have not learnt this yet.

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

It is very difficult to understand. It is a common tatic used by narcissisticits. It is usually very subtle and over a prolonged period of time.

An example I have come across:

A manager at work was bullying a girl, 2 another members of staff walked in during an instance and gave evidence at internal hearing at work. Manager got a slap on the wrist and was left stay at work while the bully left.

The manager decided he wanted rid of the 2 who gave evidence.

It started with him verbally telling them to do things and then denying it. They put a formal request to him that all instructions came via email. They then noticed emails would disappear, files they had created and stored on the system were gone. They started forwarding the emails to another manager along with copies of files etc.

The whole situation lasted over a period of 18 months. One of the member sod staff was even accused of theft. His system claimed he was in a certain place on a certain day and had collected a couple of grand in cash.

By that time the union and alternative manager were working behind the scenes and collecting evidence. The manager was eventually sacked or I should say forced to retire. He was walked out the door by security. Only because when he was approached by the alternative manager and a union rep he physically attacked the man.

It had a huge psychological impact on the staff involved. It emerged he had gone to IT and was given remote log on access to the staffs laptops and work phones. He went to extreme lengths. He was accessing voicemails, deleting them and then claiming clients were logging complaints about the staff members. . He even risked court cases by attempting to destroy evidence. He followed them. Both staff complained of the same thing. One saw him standing in the airport watching her when she came back from a holiday.

He was caught because he never checked the sent mail when deleting work of the system and the day he claimed the member of staff stole the money, he logged that onto the system incorrectly. At the time the cash was collected the man who was blamed was actually undergoing tests as he was convinced his memory was going.

After he left it emerged that thousands had gone missing without a trace over a number of years.

He was one nasty piece of work.

ILoveYourVibes

Rezident wrote: »

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

Ah but its the 21st century you can't say that now in schools here. 'Men and women are the same ..depending on the individual'

Or male psychology is better ..or the female one is better.

Graces7

.anon. wrote: »

You need to calm down. Total overreaction, as usual.

You all say that - until it happens to you..:eek:

Quantum Erasure

'Gaslighting' huh?

Next we'll be talking about 'narcissists' and 'empaths'... love the amateur armchair psychology that these threads bring up...

Gretas Gonna Get Ya!

Gaslighting is just yet another pointless modern buzzword to add to the pile...

We're going to run out of space in our heads for all these descriptors of BS soon enough. :P

Some people are just mental midgets in terms of dealing with conflict resolution in their daily lives. That would be my overarching analysis of that particular term.

ILoveYourVibes

katiek102010 wrote: »

It is very difficult to understand. It is a common tatic used by narcissisticits. It is usually very subtle and over a prolonged period of time.

An example I have come across:

A manager at work was bullying a girl, 2 another members of staff walked in during an instance and gave evidence at internal hearing at work. Manager got a slap on the wrist and was left stay at work while the bully left.

The manager decided he wanted rid of the 2 who gave evidence.

It started with him verbally telling them to do things and then denying it. They put a formal request to him that all instructions came via email. They then noticed emails would disappear, files they had created and stored on the system were gone. They started forwarding the emails to another manager along with copies of files etc.

The whole situation lasted over a period of 18 months. One of the member sod staff was even accused of theft. His system claimed he was in a certain place on a certain day and had collected a couple of grand in cash.

By that time the union and alternative manager were working behind the scenes and collecting evidence. The manager was eventually sacked or I should say forced to retire. He was walked out the door by security. Only because when he was approached by the alternative manager and a union rep he physically attacked the man.

It had a huge psychological impact on the staff involved. It emerged he had gone to IT and was given remote log on access to the staffs laptops and work phones. He went to extreme lengths. He was accessing voicemails, deleting them and then claiming clients were logging complaints about the staff members. . He even risked court cases by attempting to destroy evidence. He followed them. Both staff complained of the same thing. One saw him standing in the airport watching her when she came back from a holiday.

He was caught because he never checked the sent mail when deleting work of the system and the day he claimed the member of staff stole the money, he logged that onto the system incorrectly. At the time the cash was collected the man who was blamed was actually undergoing tests as he was convinced his memory was going.

After he left it emerged that thousands had gone missing without a trace over a number of years.

He was one nasty piece of work.

This happened to a girl i used to work with someone accused her of stealing. Apparently the woman who was the accuser bullied her for ages and did something similar.

I came just before it came out. I was related distantly to a person in the office and they told me.
The girl she accused was only like 20. She accused her of stealing company vouchers.

Jequ0n

It’s actually quite a handy technique, and yes, I do use it. I couldn’t care less what others think about it.

pickarooney

Alejandro68 wrote: »

It just makes me think of a person lighting the gas lanterns in the 1800's.That you see in the old films. I was just curious how that meant something more modern and political.

Ní raibh sé mór an fear
Níor dheas a bhí ach gráine

ILoveYourVibes

Jequ0n wrote: »

It’s actually quite a handy technique, and yes, I do use it. I couldn’t care less what others think about it.

Yeah ive noticed.

Wanderer78

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! wrote:

Some people are just mental midgets in terms of dealing with conflict resolution in their daily lives. That would be my overarching analysis of that particular term.

What's a mental midget?

Jequ0n

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Yeah ive noticed.

So you think

ILoveYourVibes

Jequ0n wrote: »

So you think

We need to raise the vibrations of this thread.

Phoenix32

I have BPD so I grew up with a mother that gaslighted the sh1t out of me.

Wanderer78

Phoenix32 wrote:

I have BPD so I grew up with a mother that gaslighted the sh1t out of me.

Hope you're getting help with it, very painful disorder

moonage

Kylta wrote: »

Named after a film with the same name, which contains the actions of what gaslighting is all about. An old movie too if im not mistaken

There's also a 1944 film called Fanny by Gaslight.

It sounds quite interesting.

KathleenGrant

Had it done to me by the last man i lived with. Nothing really dramatic but small lies. Food I was thinking of using for dinner wasn't there when i was sure it was. Birthday cards i bought couldn't be found and he would convince me i never had them. He would come home late now and again and swear he had forewarned me but i wouldn't remember.

It was horrendous and left me thinking i had early dementia (my mother suffered from dementia and he knew it was a real fear of mine). I was going through some stressful family stuff and believed the stress had me imagining things if not dementia.

He moved out and left 2 months rent unpaid. He swore to the landlord that he had given this money to me and i had "forgotten". He detailed other instances of my forgetfulness to him and I still am not sure what the landlord believes.

Six months ago when cleaning i found a box on the top of the wardrobe with birthday cards.

He was a nasty piece of work and he did me a favour when he left. I didn't think that at the time but i would have been a broken person now if he stayed.

Wanderer78

KathleenGrant wrote:

He was a nasty piece of work and he did me a favour when he left. I didn't think that at the time but i would have been a broken person now if he stayed.

What a fcuking cnut

little bird

Similar thing happened to me Kathleen but this involved a colleague I was helping get through a rough patch. I'm still dealing with the scars and have serious trust issues as a result. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

katiek102010

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Had it done to me by the last man i lived with. Nothing really dramatic but small lies. Food I was thinking of using for dinner wasn't there when i was sure it was. Birthday cards i bought couldn't be found and he would convince me i never had them. He would come home late now and again and swear he had forewarned me but i wouldn't remember.

It was horrendous and left me thinking i had early dementia (my mother suffered from dementia and he knew it was a real fear of mine). I was going through some stressful family stuff and believed the stress had me imagining things if not dementia.

He moved out and left 2 months rent unpaid. He swore to the landlord that he had given this money to me and i had "forgotten". He detailed other instances of my forgetfulness to him and I still am not sure what the landlord believes.

Six months ago when cleaning i found a box on the top of the wardrobe with birthday cards.

He was a nasty piece of work and he did me a favour when he left. I didn't think that at the time but i would have been a broken person now if he stayed.

That is absolutely horrific and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.

ILoveYourVibes

I dunno if people really know they are doing this ...i think they are just natural headwrecks

katiek102010

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

This happened to a girl i used to work with someone accused her of stealing. Apparently the woman who was the accuser bullied her for ages and did something similar.

I came just before it came out. I was related distantly to a person in the office and they told me.
The girl she accused was only like 20. She accused her of stealing company vouchers.

It's awful isn't it. I fully believe that it was sheer luck that the manager involved was being watched. Due to the first incident, that the victims were not jailed incorrectly.

How many more people go through it

KathleenGrant

Wanderer78 wrote: »

What a fcuking cnut

I know. But he is a very charming person and comes across a very nice man. Anyone would believe him. The saying about only knowing a person when you live with them is so true. He never once said he was sorry if he was in the wrong either. The most he would admit was "I probably shouldn't have said/done it" but he could never say the word sorry.

ILoveYourVibes

katiek102010 wrote: »

It's awful isn't it. I fully believe that it was sheer luck that the manager involved was being watched. Due to the first incident, that the victims were not jailed incorrectly.

How many more people go through it

Yes.

I hope everyone in your case heals from it.

ILoveYourVibes

KathleenGrant wrote: »

The saying about only knowing a person when you live with them is so true.

This sends chills up my spine.


I mean you kind of wish you didn't have to live with them to find out. I kind if wish you didn't have to go through that!

katiek102010

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! wrote: »

Gaslighting is just yet another pointless modern buzzword to add to the pile...

Absolutely disgusting post. Gaslighting thankfully is now a fully recognised form of abuse.

Many victims of DV experience it and it is commonly a precursor to severe physical abuse and even murder.

It is also a recognised pattern of behaviour in people who have a diagnosis of NPD

katiek102010

Jequ0n wrote: »

It’s actually quite a handy technique, and yes, I do use it. I couldn’t care less what others think about it.

That is absolutely horrific. Thankfully it is now a recognised form of psychological abuse, is a prosecutable offence and does warrant a custodial sentence.

I actually hope you a troll if not I really hope your victims report it

KathleenGrant

katiek102010 wrote: »

That is absolutely horrific and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.

Yes it was horrific and chipped away at me bit by bit. It wouldn't be every day or every week. He was more clever than that.

It is the coldness with which he hid things and could sit and watch my upset and confusion which makes me think he is a bit of a psychopath. He would aay "I don't know what way your head works but there is something not right with you" Gives me a cold chill down my spine even thinking of it now.

DeanAustin

Rezident wrote: »

Had to google 'gaslighting' (sounds like more superfluous divisiveness based on a lack of understanding of the clear differences betweeen the sexes), but I do not see how anyone could convince me that I have mental health issues in the absence of any. If someone told me that I was insane, I think that would say more about them that me, assuming I was not behaving insanely.

There are common misunderstandings between men who don't understand women (and vice versa), e.g. when juvenile males call a girl 'crazy' because women make decisions based on their emotions, as they are different to men and many young people have not learnt this yet.

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

I’ve never had mental health issues thankfully and would consider myself quite logical. I went through it with my ex wife, and still am to a degree, and it’s a horrible experience.

She is so good at it that at times I just felt completely mentally disoriented and started questioning if stuff I knew happened actually happened. For example, she hit me several times and afterwards apologised for it. When the relationship started to break, she swore blind it never happened and that she’d never admitted it. She was so convincing that I started to question whether it happened even though I knew it did. That was just one example. Other examples have gone as far as the Gardaí. And as someone else said, she acted so normally with friends and neighbours that none of them believed she could be capable of the things she did.

I was really struggling with it and described the behaviour on another forum and someone said it was gaslighting. I’d never heard the term before so Googled it. I can’t tell you the relief when I could finally make some sense of her behaviour.

I don’t think she’s deliberately decided to gaslight me, I think it’s something she learned from her mother and that she uses as a defence mechanism. It’s really horrible to be on the end of it and no matter how mentally strong you think you are, it can be quite debilitating.