Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

Deleted User wrote: »

A few questions if I may.

What did you expect would happen/ be the outcome of having an affair with a married man? Ie did you think he’d leave his family for you or did you just like the enjoyment of the present and not think of the future?

Did you think “I’m having an affair today, but tomorrow, I may choose to leave this situation for something more lasting?

Who did you tell about the affair when having it? Ie friends, sister etc

Imagine in a few/number of years time, you’re “settled” with partner/kids- do you think you’d be more susceptible than most to having an affair?

Thanks for your participation in this thread

I’ll come back to these later as they’ll take a while

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Can you please sketch out a synopsis of each affair?

Ok, I’ve already dealt with the second one, so I’ll address the first one now.

The background is that we were working in the same department but in different roles. I got to know him just through work, many long shifts and night shifts, and chatting then. We had a mutual massive interest in a particular sport and that led to us spending ages chatting about it, and over time this developed into us chatting about other stuff and becoming friends. He did start telling me about his marriage, saying they had married young and had grown apart, and were no longer getting on most of the time. He said he suggested splitting up but she refused to do so because of the financial implications. In retrospect I recognize this as the classic groundwork for a man seeking out an affair, but I didn’t see it at the time. This all developed over about 6 to 8 months. At NO stage during that time did I even think of him in a sexual sense, or think that he may have had interest in me. I really did think we had just become friendly because of a shared interest in a minority sport. That may sound unbelievable to some and I’ve no doubt it makes me seem very naive, but that is the way it was. My naivety was most likely down to the fact that I had been single for years and my self-esteem was non-existent. I was quite overweight at the time, in actual fact I was obese, and I was used to being either invisible or an object of ridicule to men. It had been quite some time since I’d had any positive interaction with a man in a romantic/sexual sense, I had accepted that it was not going to happen again, to the degree that I just did not see what was right in front of my face with this guy.

I do think that he was much more clued in than me and was building up to it for a good while, I don’t think he was ever just interested in friendship- at least that’s what I think now upon reflection.

Anyway, how it then progressed was that he called over one night to watch a film and made a move on me. We spent that night together but didn’t have sex because we had no condoms and I wasn’t on the pill. We spoke about what we were going to do, and he was the one who suggested having an affair. I was flattered, to be perfectly honest.

From the start, I laid down some ground rules. I was adamant this needed to be kept quiet and that his wife and our colleagues couldn’t find out. He was less bothered about colleagues finding out. I said to him that I was not looking for a traditional relationship, that I primarily wanted the sexual side of it... and he agreed to that. [for many reasons I’ve never wanted a long term committed relationship] He made a few jokes about us ending up together long term but I said that was not going to happen.

Things progressed, we were meeting frequently - at the start it was just an hour here and there. Despite my best intentions I ended up falling for him emotionally, and he for me. So by the time we were 5 months in or so, we were spending more and more time together, he was staying overnight. Sometimes he told his wife he was working a night shift, other times he told her he was going to stay with a ‘friend’ and refused to discuss it further.

Gradually, he became very intense and possessive. For a man who expected me to be ok with the fact he was still with his wife, he got incredibly jealous of me having contact with any man. He started reading my emails, my texts, turning up at my home unexpectedly, ringing me constantly if I was out with friends, or turning up wherever we were. He started talking about me getting pregnant and him moving between the two homes - a very definite no from me! I began to see his temper and controlling nature. Because of his behaviour I was falling out of love, and ironically was lying to him about where I was and what i was doing just to avoid spending time with him.

When I told him I wanted to end it, he went off the deep end. Threatened suicide. I held tough and did not give in to his manipulation, and went ahead with ending it. He then started various attempts to get me back, including telling me he was seriously ill, trying to make me jealous by telling me that other women were interested in him, telling me his wife had thrown him out and he had nowhere else to go, telling me he had left her for me.... none of which were true.
Next he moved to harassing me, calls, texts, writing to me, following me etc. I ignored him for a good few months, but eventually I sent him one text saying I would report him to the guards if he continued. He stopped then and around the same time I moved away for a new job so he no longer knew where I lived and worked anyway. Since the time I threatened him with the guards, I heard from him only 2 or 3 more times, texts trying to reestablish a connection, all of which I ignored.






Wow, that was a bit of an essay!

evolving tipperary wrote: »

How do you feel about the affairs now?

I think my last post addresses this somewhat, but to elaborate further, with the first, I would undo it if I could. Largely because of the consequences for myself and for his wife (not so much for him, tbh)

With the second, as it was consequence-free, I would be less likely to undo it if I could.