The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

yeewwwww wish i didn't ask now

Paddy's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden.

"Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?"

"Well Paddy, just throwing out some elephant repellant"

"There's no elephants around here Paddy!"

"I know Mick. Super stuff isn't it!"

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Just Googled 'German gang bang' and first hit was highlights of the Spurs Bayern match.

One person killed and nine injured in a violent attack at a shopping centre in Finland.

That's why most mums go to Iceland.

Edgware wrote: »

"Love juice" straight from Jasper Carrott

Or in his case carrot juice?

eBay is garbage.
I tried to look up lighters, and all they had was 96,749 matches.

"Sorry Paddy, you can't come into the pub today dressed like that."

"Why not?"

"You're wearing Speedos."

"I'm here for the pool competition."

I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be ****ing miles away by now"

Me: Put your coat on dear, I’m heading to the pub.

Her: Ah great, we haven’t been out in ages.

Me: Oh you’re not coming with me. I’m turning the heating off.

An old billy connolly joke that somebody just reminded me of.

A senior general (think of Stephen Fry as General Melchett) is visiting a field hospital during the First World War. He comes into a ward and approaches the first bed, where the soldier struggles to come to attention, lying down.
"At ease," says the general. "Why are you here?"
"Piles, sir. Chronic piles. Can't walk sir on account of the piles."
"I see" says the general. "What treatment are you being given?"
"Wire brush, sir. Wire brush morning and evening."
"Jolly good. jolly good. And what do you want most in life?"
"I want to get better so I can go out and kill the Hun for King and Country, sir."
"First rate. Carry on." And the general goes to the next bed.

"At ease," says the general to the next chap. "Why are you here?"
"Crabs sir. Chronic infestation of crabs."
"I see," says the general, easing away a little. "What treatment?"
"Wire brush sir. Morning and evening, wire brush."
"Excellent. First class. And what do you most want in life?"
"I want to get well so I can kill hundreds of the bosche, sir."
"That's the spirit," and the general moves on to the third bed.

"At ease," says the general. "What are you in hospital for?"
"Pyorrheoa, sir. Chronic infection of the gums."
"Yes, good, good. What treatment?"
"Wire brush, sir. Morning and evening, wire brush."
"That's the spirit. And what do you desire most in life?"
"To get my hands on the wire brush before those two bastards use it."

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're doughnuts."

As I came out of the supermarket today I saw a charity worker standing in the rain.

On the front of his bucket was written 'Collecting For The People Of Africa'

I thought to myself, it'd be quicker to find a tap."

When did Susan Boyle become spokesman of DUP?

What does John Bercow have with his cocktails?



HOOOORRRS D'OEUUVVRRRES!

ArnoldJRimmer wrote: »

Two old Glasgow women are walking past a bakery window

One says to the other, 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

Other says, 'Naw, you're right, thats a cake'

Billy Connolly.