What's the etiquette here??

Geuze · 15-10-2019 11:10am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Jesus, lads, I’m torn. Ripped. Burst. The “works”.

Found out what was, very likely, causing that “nasty” smell I’ve been emitting for the few days.

Haven’t had a proper clear out since the time I posted about feeling good in here. It’s all been coming out like hot “mousse” or even foam. You the type, it sort of over-flows onto the ring itself before falling directly down. Like lava.

Anyway, I was expecting more of the same, and it started out that way, but then something changed. You know that feeling you get when you know it’s going to be big and you actually say “oh shít” out loud? I did that.

I could feel it coming and it was not fun. It moved too slowly. Can something like that be stuck in some bend of the intestines? It was dry, and dense. The closest analogy I can give you is like a medium sized pine cone coming out “point” first.

It was hell passing it. Hell. Had to do that “Lamaze” breathing, tried cupping under my knees but that didn’t help much. When it was finally out it was as if it was due to gravity as opposed to anything I was doing and it felt like it was trying to stay in by dragging its “claws” into me.

The relief was short lived, replaced by shock. There was some, intense, “spotting” on the paper. Intense. I stayed long enough, tamping up and hoping the “flow” would have stopped. It took awhile but it did.

I’ve lined the boxers with folded paper for the night but I’m worried about facing the day if it doesn’t “abate”, or if it starts up again.

I do not fancy a trip to the docs complaining of a “burst” ring. Anyone here know if there’s light at the end of that tunnel?

I should point out that there’s no stinging pain or anything. There was during the initial “birthing” but after that it was fine. Bar the, intense, “spotting”.

This sounds like hemorrhoids.

EmmetSpiceland · 15-10-2019 11:11am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sounds like you passed a wire brush out your hole.

Might have felt a little “clean” after a wire brush scrubbing but all I feel is worry.

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Sounds like the gas and air would've come in handy, maybe forceps

With a good dollop of grease and a spray of “WD-40”!

I’m dreading my next trip.

EmmetSpiceland · 15-10-2019 11:15am

Geuze wrote: »

This sounds like hemorrhoids.

Ah now, don’t say that!!

Surely I’d know if I had piles? Would my hole not be hanging out of me with lots of “discomfort”?

This all started, and hopefully ended, with a big dry turd. Felt like I was shítting out an “oversized” tennis ball. Was difficult and traumatic.

Stevieluvsye · 15-10-2019 11:17am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Ah now, don’t say that!!

Surely I’d know if I had piles? Would my hole not be hanging out of me with lots of “discomfort”?

This all started, and hopefully ended, with a big dry turd. Felt like I was shítting out an “oversized” tennis ball. Was difficult and traumatic.

I reckon it is a slight tear E. No biggie.

Maybe increase your fibre intake for a few weeks

Deebles McBeebles · 15-10-2019 11:29am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Surely I’d know if I had piles? Would my hole not be hanging out of me with lots of “discomfort”?

Not necessarily, E. As others have said, sounds like piles or a slight tear. Nothing to worry about. Just don't get constipated for a while, make sure the flow is solid but soft.

Hector Savage · 15-10-2019 1:21pm

Just looking at this

https://www.bbc.com/news/in-pictures-49985677

Can you imagine the state of the portaloos after this event ??

Jaysus.

partyguinness · 15-10-2019 1:34pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Just looking at this

https://www.bbc.com/news/in-pictures-49985677

Can you imagine the state of the portaloos after this event ??

Jaysus.

Do you know what? I reckon if you think about the loos will be ok.

It's at home over the next few days where the real damage will be done.

Hector Savage · 15-10-2019 2:22pm

^^ Good point, either way it looks like great junk food, but the poor heart and bowels - and pewter bowl

partyguinness · 15-10-2019 2:28pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

^^ Good point, either way it looks like great junk food, but the poor heart and bowels - and pewter bowl

I wonder what the jaxs in the Irish dressing room will be like before the game next Saturday...

tgdaly · 15-10-2019 2:32pm

partyguinness wrote: »

I wonder what the jaxs in the Irish dressing room will be like before the game next Saturday...

I'd say it'll be the All-Browns

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2019 2:35pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

^^ Good point, either way it looks like great junk food, but the poor heart and bowels - and pewter bowl

Indeed..... sprayed a thin skein of ripe runny scutter over three walls of a Portaloo at the Burning Man event back in the day.

Stuff was sliding down the walls like Greek yoghurt.

Feed of very hot burritos and tequila loosened the sphinct and she blew out gouts of runny midden like a fcuking muck spreader.

Hoop was red raw and weeping for three days.

Needed a flannel dipped in iced water to calm her down.

JohnnyFlash · 15-10-2019 2:38pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Do you know what? I reckon if you think about the loos will be ok.

It's at home over the next few days where the real damage will be done.

Absolutely agree. Any man (or woman) serious about attending a festival of fried food will ensure they don’t have unstable rounds in the chamber before attending such an epic event. Probably have a light breakfast of filter coffee and Marlboro Reds to clear things out.

Then load up on the deep fried food, have a few ‘brewskies’, and head home to await a tough morning in ‘cargo unloading’ the next morning.

Think Springsteen wrote a song about it.

Hector Savage · 15-10-2019 4:46pm

partyguinness wrote: »

I wonder what the jaxs in the Irish dressing room will be like before the game next Saturday...

Who are they playing ?

Utter Consternation · 15-10-2019 4:50pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Indeed..... sprayed a thin skein of ripe runny scutter over three walls of a Portaloo at the Burning Man event back in the day.

Stuff was sliding down the walls like Greek yoghurt.

Feed of very hot burritos and tequila loosened the sphinct and she blew out gouts of runny midden like a fcuking muck spreader.

Hoop was red raw and weeping for three days.

Needed a flannel dipped in iced water to calm her down.

You were in your bollocks at Burning Man, pull the other one.

JohnnyFlash · 15-10-2019 5:40pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You were in your bollocks at Burning Man, pull the other one.

Bumming man more like it, UC.

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2019 7:09pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You were in your bollocks at Burning Man, pull the other one.

2008 American Dream, big man.... you shoulda been there.

The city was hummin’

Hal3000 · 15-10-2019 10:02pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Ah now, don’t say that!!

Surely I’d know if I had piles? Would my hole not be hanging out of me with lots of “discomfort”?

This all started, and hopefully ended, with a big dry turd. Felt like I was shítting out an “oversized” tennis ball. Was difficult and traumatic.

Hopefully it’s not a case of the aul Johnny Giles. Wouldn’t wish that on any man..

Brendan Bendar · 15-10-2019 10:20pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Bumming man more like it, UC.

Lookit,John, time to forget Fr. Neilus Flynn and the day the of the pattern.

Lad stretched more bilge pipes than yours.

Time to let go, dude.

pinkyeye · 15-10-2019 10:27pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Do you know what? I reckon if you think about the loos will be ok.

It's at home over the next few days where the real damage will be done.

No, this kind of shyte comes out STRAIGHT AWAY. At least it does in my case.

30 minutes tops.

EmmetSpiceland · 16-10-2019 11:27am

Hal3000 wrote: »

Hopefully it’s not a case of the aul Johnny Giles. Wouldn’t wish that on any man..

Cheers, H, don’t think it’s that. I haven’t suffered any bursts of “roid rage” and when I took a look, “double-mirrored”, there didn’t seem to be anything out of, what I assume to be, the ordinary.

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

I reckon it is a slight tear E. No biggie.

Maybe increase your fibre intake for a few weeks

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Not necessarily, E. As others have said, sounds like piles or a slight tear. Nothing to worry about. Just don't get constipated for a while, make sure the flow is solid but soft.

You’re both saying “a slight tear” like it’s nothing major!! It’s a slight tear of my ****ing hole!! Putting “slight” before tear doesn’t make it any better. A slight rip. A slight rupture. A slight ****ing split!!! It’s not helping.

Apologies, as you can tell, I’m a little “shook” here. I didn’t use the toilet yesterday for a sit down. Even went to bed earlier than I have in decades, 10:30pm.

Had to take the plunge this morning though. There was a lot of worry. And, sure enough, with a little squeeze I dropped another “front loader”. Another stretch, another sharp, sharp, pain. You know the type that cause a weird sting in another part of your body higher up? Something to do with the nerve endings or brain receptors. Anyway, I got one of them.

Was fine after that. Much less “spotting” this time around. The “affected” area appears to be stage left of the ring, around 11 o’clock on the “barseward” side.

I know it’s only “slight” but what’s the deal here? Surely, it’s not ok to have faecal matter in the vicinity of a, “slight”, open wound. Am I in danger of getting an infected ring?

The thoughts would bring a “slight” tear to your eye.

Oh yes, one last thing, I’ve left a small, torn, sheet of bog roll stuck up against the “tear” like Homer Simpson would use when he shaves, good idea or bad idea?

Stevieluvsye · 16-10-2019 11:37am

Your frustration and shock are understandable E as this is a "new" experience for you.

It has happened to me on at least 3 or 4 occasions. I googled it first time around and i pretty much had 4 weeks to live according to the "feedback" provided online.

Thanks to the OH who is a beautician she was able to "diagnose" a couple of occasions due to me having dry skin around the ring area which stretched too much causing a slight bleed.

The one other occasion was due to (and i'm guessing) a "heavy pay load" which caused again some spotting. On each occasion after 48 hours everything back to normal.

On your last point, use some parabem & parfum free moisturoiser or lotion. Will help the skin heal and recover

Hector Savage · 16-10-2019 1:40pm

E can you modify the diet to make the stools over the next few days softer ?

Brendan Bendar · 16-10-2019 1:53pm

E.. plenty of orange juice, brown whole grain bread over the next few days.

Any rip in the ringpiece can at best be uncomfortable to owner,but can escalate.

Friend of mine had an issue, but after the above diet, was spraying out bright yellow sludge all over the pewter.

The hoop healed up nicely and according to himself was backing out nice ‘King Edwards’ with no discomfort.

Hotblack Desiato · 16-10-2019 4:23pm

I'd imagine ten+ pints of Guinness would do the trick.

EmmetSpiceland · 16-10-2019 4:39pm

Thanks guys. I actually cut out the brown bread last week, as I blamed it for the “nasty” smells I was emitting.

I’ll up the fibre, as instructed. But won’t “over do” it like I did the time I was constipated. Will, certainly, be avoid the tinned pears.

Learned that one the hard, or very, very, soft, way. Always fresh.

Thank you all for your, genuine, support. It is, really, greatly appreciated.

Bobblehats · 16-10-2019 5:24pm

I don’t mean to butt in here and I understand more spotting isn’t exactly a priority right now but you might want to consider a “spotter” for any undue stress you might be causing?

The ring; like any other muscle under severe stress is prone to trauma which can come back to haunt you down the line and that can be a scary prospect when trying to shift a heavier load than you are used to. Just remember if the “fudge don’t budge“ definitely up the fibre intake.

Nevin Parsnipp · 16-10-2019 8:20pm

Cashew nuts can be good if the down pipe is a bit blocked.

Got a bag of them on impulse on last Tesco shop...binge ate the freekin lot and spent two subsequent days spewing out thin pale midden.

Cleared the pipes goodo though...

Brendan Bendar · 16-10-2019 8:35pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Cashew nuts can be good if the down pipe is a bit blocked.

Got a bag of them on impulse on last Tesco shop...binge ate the freekin lot and spent two subsequent days spewing out thin pale midden.

Cleared the pipes goodo though...

Have the opposite effect on this poster Nevin.

Very oily and dense for me.

Took on a sack of them once and was as bound as a spinsters clunge for about four days, pale as a young nuns schyte too.

Eventually the pipes blew and a couple of hippo’s legs later it were all good.

16-10-2019 8:57pm

I've had a bad cold over the weekend there, been taking uniflu and strepsils like they were popcorn. This had an adverse effect on the ring piece output, very unpleasant mousse like output requiring excessive paperwork. Which in turn caused a lot of rawness and irritation around the hoop. Unpleasant business to be sure.
This evening however balance and harmony have been restored. The cold is finally buggering off and I can stop popping pills like a demented drug addict. Dropped a solid torpedo down the range, virtually no paperwork. It was magnificent. Felt like a new man afterwards. A fresh beginning indeed.

dulpit · 16-10-2019 11:19pm

Had the pleasure of travelling in UK for work today. Got to try out the loos in a train station, airport and a government building. Have to say the airport (Manchester) was surprisingly comfortable and quiet, the train station was like the end of the world though.

What's the etiquette here??

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