2021 Bride/Groom

ilovesmybrick · 10-05-2021 6:24pm

anfield90 wrote: »

Hi everyone, first time posting here! Just looking for a few opinions. Getting married at the end of June which seems likely we'll have 25 guests, all going well. Our immediate families make up 16 leaving 9. We both have similar size group of friends and would have to pick some friends over others which I'm struggling with being honest as I'd hate to offend anyone. We're not mad into big weddings so a small wedding suits us down to the ground. Are we mad to just leave it at our family members and then celebrate with friends down the line?

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. We've had several friends tell us that if the numbers are low not to worry and use their invites for family members, and we've done the same. Unless people are living in cloud cuckoo land they will understand entirely at this stage. Personally we were looking at just immediate family and best man/bridesmaid if we were looking at 25. Either way, it's your day, don't worry about offending people. It's nothing to do with them and if they don't have a degree of understanding about the difficulties getting married in 2020/2021 I'd be inclined to say it says more about them than anything else.

OwlsZat · 10-05-2021 6:55pm

I'd be more inclined to reconsider them as friends to be honest. It's not a situation of anyone's doing.

:| · 10-05-2021 10:09pm

Maybe check with your venue though as you may still have to pay for the 25 even if less than that attend

Ankhyu · 14-05-2021 10:27am

Really struggling with doing a guest list for 50 people.

The wedding isn't until October so we have time, and we're hoping that the restrictions loosen to allow more than that, but 50 is probably the most likely scenario...

I'd find it easier to figure out if we could only have 25, as that would just be immediate family and a couple of friends, but 50 is just so hard!

Having said that I'm not willing to cut it down to a small wedding just for the sake of making it easier to do a guest list, our plan is to go ahead either way, and have as many as restrictions will allow. Our ideal guest list pandemic aside would have been 100, and about 30 invites to the afters.

Our current draft for 50 has just immediate family and the rest are friends. We'd have quite a large circle of friends, being from Dublin & Clare but living in Cork the last few years, so we have groups from each place. Plus I feel that this way we'd really enjoy our day.

Only thing is we've no uncles or aunts (nevermind cousins) on this list and I'm afraid I'll look back and regret not having them there, specifically the uncle and aunt that I'm closer to. I don't mind as much if the others weren't there, but I don't think you could invite an uncle over from the UK and not the others that live locally to the wedding??

If I invite them all and their partners that's 12 people on my side, and would find it very hard to sacrifice 12 friend invites in their place. My FH only has 1 on his mam's side and they're close knit, so him and his wife and kid are on the list, whereas he barely knows his uncles and aunts on his dad's side, so was told by his dad there was no expectation of an invite as its such a huge extended family.

Then there's the dilemma of whether to invite friends partners, or inviting married couples whose weddings we went to, but wouldn't necessarily be that close to.

We're also attending a wedding only 2 weeks before ours, I only met the bride once at my 30th, but the groom is a good friend of mine for years. It would be rude to invite him and not her, right??

I'm tearing my hair out here.

I'm well aware we could be in a lot worse off of a position than couples getting married in tighter restrictions, which is what my mother said to me when I tried to bring it up before :rolleyes:

I do empathise, but I figured if anyone could understand my frustration it would be other couples trying to plan during this sh1tshow!

Any advice very much appreciated

Neyite · 14-05-2021 11:12am

It really is a personal preference and I think that people have been very understanding at being left off the list during a pandemic.

Me personally, I always wanted a small wedding so it was always going to be limited to very close friends, immediate family (including kids) and the few aunts and uncles remaining in the family. But other families don't have a closeness to aunts/uncles and maybe it's important to them to have friends there over relations they don't know...

If your friends all know each other then a group without plus ones might work well?

dockysher · 14-05-2021 1:36pm

Ankhyu wrote: »

Really struggling with doing a guest list for 50 people.

The wedding isn't until October so we have time, and we're hoping that the restrictions loosen to allow more than that, but 50 is probably the most likely scenario...

I'd find it easier to figure out if we could only have 25, as that would just be immediate family and a couple of friends, but 50 is just so hard!

Having said that I'm not willing to cut it down to a small wedding just for the sake of making it easier to do a guest list, our plan is to go ahead either way, and have as many as restrictions will allow. Our ideal guest list pandemic aside would have been 100, and about 30 invites to the afters.

Our current draft for 50 has just immediate family and the rest are friends. We'd have quite a large circle of friends, being from Dublin & Clare but living in Cork the last few years, so we have groups from each place. Plus I feel that this way we'd really enjoy our day.

Only thing is we've no uncles or aunts (nevermind cousins) on this list and I'm afraid I'll look back and regret not having them there, specifically the uncle and aunt that I'm closer to. I don't mind as much if the others weren't there, but I don't think you could invite an uncle over from the UK and not the others that live locally to the wedding??

If I invite them all and their partners that's 12 people on my side, and would find it very hard to sacrifice 12 friend invites in their place. My FH only has 1 on his mam's side and they're close knit, so him and his wife and kid are on the list, whereas he barely knows his uncles and aunts on his dad's side, so was told by his dad there was no expectation of an invite as its such a huge extended family.

Then there's the dilemma of whether to invite friends partners, or inviting married couples whose weddings we went to, but wouldn't necessarily be that close to.

We're also attending a wedding only 2 weeks before ours, I only met the bride once at my 30th, but the groom is a good friend of mine for years. It would be rude to invite him and not her, right??

I'm tearing my hair out here.

I'm well aware we could be in a lot worse off of a position than couples getting married in tighter restrictions, which is what my mother said to me when I tried to bring it up before :rolleyes:

I do empathise, but I figured if anyone could understand my frustration it would be other couples trying to plan during this sh1tshow!

Any advice very much appreciated

We are September wedding and we fully confident numbers be minimum at 100 guests by then. Lot will change next few weeks and especially in July. I have heard from a few sources of 100 being allowed in August. I certainly would not worry yet anyways

Ankhyu · 14-05-2021 2:57pm

dockysher wrote: »

We are September wedding and we fully confident numbers be minimum at 100 guests by then. Lot will change next few weeks and especially in July. I have heard from a few sources of 100 being allowed in August. I certainly would not worry yet anyways

That would really be amazing if it works out, just trying to have my bases covered in case it's 50.

I suppose I shouldn't be stressing about it too much yet until closer to the time when invites need to be going out.

woodchuck · 14-05-2021 3:03pm

Ankhyu, hopefully you're pulling your hair out over nothing. We're September and hopeful that the numbers will be at least 50, if not 100, by then. With the vaccine rollout well underway, the days of yoyo lockdowns should hopefully be behind us soon. I reckon there will be restrictions on gatherings/weddings for the foreseeable future, but hopefully they'll continue to ease gradually.

You still have plenty of time before you need to send out your invites anyway, so I'd just put the guestlist aside for a couple of months and hopefully there'll be more information about the easing of restrictions then.

IF it turns out that you can only have 50 guests in October, then all the usual invitation etiquette goes out the window as far as I'm concerned. E.g. invite friends, but not their partners. Or pick and choose which aunts/uncles you want there on the day, instead of inviting all of them. I'm sure people will be sympathetic and understanding - and picking up the phone to explain would be a good idea too.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 10:49am

Few people have been asking me are we not doing hen/stag ... I can’t describe the feeling it give me saying no, how could we possibly risk it. I’m then made feel like a complete bore for not doing something.

Dreading work trying to do some sort of celebration for me as I have no interest in pretending to be happy yet I know I’ll look back and regret being like this. Can’t seem to enjoy anything and I’m a wreck to be around.

Do people have any advice on how to deal with this? I’m really not in the mood for a party and have tried telling people that but I’m living on my neves in case they do and I have a breakdown in the middle of it.

Also very fearful that we will get call to go for vaccine before wedding, I think I’d have to say no as I have heard people being quite sick the day after it and things are bad enough without adding that to the day.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 11:40am

Teach30 wrote: »

Few people have been asking me are we not doing hen/stag ... I can’t describe the feeling it give me saying no, how could we possibly risk it. I’m then made feel like a complete bore for not doing something.

Dreading work trying to do some sort of celebration for me as I have no interest in pretending to be happy yet I know I’ll look back and regret being like this. Can’t seem to enjoy anything and I’m a wreck to be around.

Do people have any advice on how to deal with this? I’m really not in the mood for a party and have tried telling people that but I’m living on my neves in case they do and I have a breakdown in the middle of it.

Also very fearful that we will get call to go for vaccine before wedding, I think I’d have to say no as I have heard people being quite sick the day after it and things are bad enough without adding that to the day.

If things are this bad that its starting to affect your mood would you not consider postponing? This can't be much fun for your fiance either if you are this down over everything? I know you have said before you can't but these are extreme times and under the circumstances it might be best for you if you have even a few months grace. What's a few months really when you are planning a lifetime with someone? With all due respect to any bride to be, its just a wedding, its really not worth having a breakdown over

If you do decide to go ahead then you need to find some way to make peace with not having the wedding you anticipated. I know that sounds harsh but these are the times we are in and it has messed up so many plans for so many people. You can choose to feel angry about it or you can resign yourself to it and make the best of it. I know a few couples who have had covid weddings and despite it not being what they wanted they ended up having a really wonderful day. Yes you might have to rethink who you ask but again, under the circumstances, I think a lot of people who were originally going will be happy to step aside to let someone you are closer to take their place. You might be surprised at how many people are happy to stay home and not take the risk.

Tell people who call you boring to do one. Where exactly do they think a hen or stag is going to take place anyway?

Re the vaccination, I had mine through work a few months back and was sick with flu like symptoms for three days. About half our office were affected, the other half were grand. If you get called close to the wedding call the vaccination people, they should reschedule for you - some of our staff were able to do that.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 11:52am

eviltwin wrote: »

Re the vaccination, I had mine through work a few months back and was sick with flu like symptoms for three days. About half our office were affected, the other half were grand. If you get called close to the wedding call the vaccination people, they should reschedule for you - some of our staff were able to do that.

Thank you ever so much for that info I had heard if you say no to it you go to bottom of the list so that’s certainly a relief. I have no idea when we will be called but knowing my luck it would be in run up to it.

Everything you wrote in your very kind reply is what I’m experiencing, we are hesitant to postpone again as you really don’t know if things will change and living apart is no fun anymore for us.

I would only love to include friends on the guest list and they would come but I have to have family there as much as I despise some of them and they will add absolutely nothing to the day only fill me with more hate for them.

I’m trying my very best to come to terms with 25 but it’s a real struggle. It’s hard to explain the anxiety I have over it more so due to all the things that have to be done now shops are reopening such as outfits for family, shoes, get a house sorted for us, furniture, electricals etc. Don’t suggest buying op line.. no bargains there.

There is a real sense of panic setting in over all that stuff too so not helping my mood. I am trying to be happy and that’s why work think I’m ok with it all but inside I’m actually a wreck. Will try harder to fake it over the next few weeks until we are finished up.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 12:01pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thank you ever so much for that info I had heard if you say no to it you go to bottom of the list so that’s certainly a relief. I have no idea when we will be called but knowing my luck it would be in run up to it.

Everything you wrote in your very kind reply is what I’m experiencing, we are hesitant to postpone again as you really don’t know if things will change and living apart is no fun anymore for us.

I would only love to include friends on the guest list and they would come but I have to have family there as much as I despise some of them and they will add absolutely nothing to the day only fill me with more hate for them.

I’m trying my very best to come to terms with 25 but it’s a real struggle. It’s hard to explain the anxiety I have over it more so due to all the things that have to be done now shops are reopening such as outfits for family, shoes, get a house sorted for us, furniture, electricals etc. Don’t suggest buying op line.. no bargains there.

There is a real sense of panic setting in over all that stuff too so not helping my mood. I am trying to be happy and that’s why work think I’m ok with it all but inside I’m actually a wreck. Will try harder to fake it over the next few weeks until we are finished up.

Does your fiance know how this is all affecting you?

I can understand why postponing and putting life on hold isn't something you want to do but, on the flip side, do you really want to spend the next however long looking back at your wedding and its build up and just having sad memories?

Its not like you would be looking at years in the future, if you could hold off until later in the summer would that give you something positive to focus on? You could also just say feck it and move in together now so at least its not like live has stalled. It seems like you are making compromises to suit everyone around you and totally forgetting about what you want to make your day right for you. I get the pressures but you will only ever be a bride once, the family will have lots of other weddings to get involved in.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 12:32pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Does your fiance know how this is all affecting you?

I can understand why postponing and putting life on hold isn't something you want to do but, on the flip side, do you really want to spend the next however long looking back at your wedding and its build up and just having sad memories?

Its not like you would be looking at years in the future, if you could hold off until later in the summer would that give you something positive to focus on? You could also just say feck it and move in together now so at least its not like live has stalled. It seems like you are making compromises to suit everyone around you and totally forgetting about what you want to make your day right for you. I get the pressures but you will only ever be a bride once, the family will have lots of other weddings to get involved in.

100% he knows I’m very bad about things but it’s gone on for so long now we want it over with. It’s not easy postpone now either as hotel has no weekends dates left and I can’t choose a weekday date as friends are teachers and wouldn’t get the day off. Midterms are now booked too and with hotel have a 3.5k deposit they won’t give it back. August weekday dates are gone now too so we have no luck really.

We can move in but it’s awfully complicated situation and I won’t get into it here but there is a lot nvolved and looking at the bigger picture I need to remind myself that it’s just one day and sticking it out living at home will have a much greater reward.. v complicated situation that v few would understand so won’t say more about that.

Even typing this out had been very helpful and that’s for being understanding. My family know how I feel also but are very much get over it and get on with things. I am last to get married and they are not into weddings at all. They would prefer to go home after church and go back working if I’m honest, that aren’t into the party side of things especially if it’s a very small number of people - why bother with a hotel. I also agree with them on this as it’s a waste of money having meal for people who won’t appreciate it (which my side won’t) and will only go home after it. It would be fine if my family were a bit of fun but they’re not.

Postponing to a august/September of a date came up it might still only be 25 and the stress of changing everything for that I am unsure of it would be worth it.

Thanks for listening I do feel better, I have a different way of viewing and dealing with things so sorry if I seem strange about it all.

zedhead · 15-05-2021 3:04pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Even typing this out had been very helpful and that’s for being understanding. My family know how I feel also but are very much get over it and get on with things. I am last to get married and they are not into weddings at all. They would prefer to go home after church and go back working if I’m honest, that aren’t into the party side of things especially if it’s a very small number of people - why bother with a hotel. I also agree with them on this as it’s a waste of money having meal for people who won’t appreciate it (which my side won’t) and will only go home after it. It would be fine if my family were a bit of fun but they’re not.

Postponing to a august/September of a date came up it might still only be 25 and the stress of changing everything for that I am unsure of it would be worth it.

Thanks for listening I do feel better, I have a different way of viewing and dealing with things so sorry if I seem strange about it all.

If your family arent into the party part, and you can have 50 at the church but only 25 at the reception would you consider having a conversation with them to see if they even want to go to the reception. Even if some of them agree it would open up a few more spaces with friends. It may be worth even opening up a discussion.
Myself and my husbands friends all met us outside our venue and spent 30 mins in a park close by celebrating with us. They all took the day off work even just to be with us for 30 mins after our ceremony. And to be honest it was amazing. Youd be surprised what some people are open too.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 3:21pm

zedhead wrote: »

If your family arent into the party part, and you can have 50 at the church but only 25 at the reception would you consider having a conversation with them to see if they even want to go to the reception. Even if some of them agree it would open up a few more spaces with friends. It may be worth even opening up a discussion.
Myself and my husbands friends all met us outside our venue and spent 30 mins in a park close by celebrating with us. They all took the day off work even just to be with us for 30 mins after our ceremony. And to be honest it was amazing. Youd be surprised what some people are open too.

Asking people to church and no meal isnt really something we would do, thanks though. Out of my 12 family members 6 are children and there’s no way I’d get away with leaving them out. The rest will go to meal as people would talk if they didn’t. The rest are my parents and siblings and in laws. I’d only love to tell them go home but I’d never be forgiven. There’s no real party now anyways as we can’t have band so it’s just the dinner. No other entertainment.

Friends turning up outside church is a lovely idea but I’m not sure how I’d react! I’d feel very bad saying goodbye to them and potentially it would get me very down as I’d only love them to be at meal and dancing to the band.

Thanks for the lovely ideas though and closer to the time if I feel able I might say it to the group that they can come to church for a look if the like.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 4:15pm

[QUOTE=Teach30;117170297]Asking people to church and no meal isnt really something we would do, thanks though. Out of my 12 family members 6 are children and there’s no way I’d get away with leaving them out. The rest will go to meal as people would talk if they didn’t. The rest are my parents and siblings and in laws. I’d only love to tell them go home but I’d never be forgiven. There’s no real party now anyways as we can’t have band so it’s just the dinner. No other entertainment.

Friends turning up outside church is a lovely idea but I’m not sure how I’d react! I’d feel very bad saying goodbye to them and potentially it would get me very down as I’d only love them to be at meal and dancing to the band.

Thanks for the lovely ideas though and closer to the time if I feel able I might say it to the group that they can come to church for a look if the like.[/QUOTE]

The bit in bold I would get if this was a normal wedding but its not, its a covid wedding. You cannot have the event you planned and that's not your choice or your decision, you have been forced into a corner by events outside your control and I would expect people to rally around you both and understand that and be accommodating.

There is always going to be someone who gets the hump and you can't control that either but what is the worst that can happen? What will your cousin/auntie or whoever say if you tell them they are only able to go to the church now? Not talk to you? Cut you off? If they cannot make accommodations to you and your partner in light of your limited numbers then they are not the sort of people I'd want in my wedding anyway.

I know you have said on many of your previous posts before that you are stuck asking people you don't want to, are you sure you are not just making assumptions? I can't believe that everyone you know is so selfish as to expect an invite to your wedding knowing how much it has been pared back.

The other option is to talk to your fiance and just invite who you want and screw what people think.....that could actually be a good thing for you to assert yourself and have the day you want. Take back your control. I know you probably can't see beyond your wedding at the moment but you have a long life ahead of you and its important you set a clear boundary that its you and your husband now, you're a team and he's your primary family now. Everyone else's needs and wants come second to what you as a couple feel is best for your family.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 4:54pm

eviltwin wrote: »

The bit in bold I would get if this was a normal wedding but its not, its a covid wedding. You cannot have the event you planned and that's not your choice or your decision, you have been forced into a corner by events outside your control and I would expect people to rally around you both and understand that and be accommodating.

There is always going to be someone who gets the hump and you can't control that either but what is the worst that can happen? What will your cousin/auntie or whoever say if you tell them they are only able to go to the church now? Not talk to you? Cut you off? If they cannot make accommodations to you and your partner in light of your limited numbers then they are not the sort of people I'd want in my wedding anyway.

In my mind if I was asked to the church and meal I’d say the couple were only looking for a card. I wouldn’t expect friends to get dressed up hair done etc for an hour and then go home. I’d feel terrible for them. If I was being invited to a guest to just the church I dunno would I be bothered with the hassle with having to get an outfit, hair done etc and then have to give €100 on top of it. That’s the way we’d see being invited to just the church - and yes I understand not everyone thinks like that but anyone I’d know would. We’d never be seen to do that, we’d be talk of the parish.

With the numbers being 12 each we have no cousins or aunts/uncles so for my 12 it’s just my parents siblings and their other halves and children. I’d gladly leave children at home but risk never being spoken to again by my parents and theirs. Hardly worth the hassle.
12 really is a miserable number to have and even if children were left out asking 6 friends to just a meal and no band might be boring for them, especially as they wouldn’t know anyone else?

The only way to have a good day would be to see number of guest go up but not sure when that will change again.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 5:07pm

Teach30 wrote: »

In my mind if I was asked to the church and meal I’d say the couple were only looking for a card. I wouldn’t expect friends to get dressed up hair done etc for an hour and then go home. I’d feel terrible for them. If I was being invited to a guest to just the church I dunno would I be bothered with the hassle with having to get an outfit, hair done etc and then have to give €100 on top of it. That’s the way we’d see being invited to just the church - and yes I understand not everyone thinks like that but anyone I’d know would. We’d never be seen to do that, we’d be talk of the parish.

With the numbers being 12 each we have no cousins or aunts/uncles so for my 12 it’s just my parents siblings and their other halves and children. I’d gladly leave children at home but risk never being spoken to again by my parents and theirs. Hardly worth the hassle.
12 really is a miserable number to have and even if children were left out asking 6 friends to just a meal and no band might be boring for them, especially as they wouldn’t know anyone else?

The only way to have a good day would be to see number of guest go up but not sure when that will change again.

Would it help to go ahead with your wedding as planned but to see it as getting the legal bit out of the way and then have your big celebration for everyone you want to ask when things less restricted?

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 5:17pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Would it help to go ahead with your wedding as planned but to see it as getting the legal bit out of the way and then have your big celebration for everyone you want to ask when things less restricted?

Thanks eviltwin, your replies have been most helpful. This is something we have considered, I’m not sure how enthusiastic I would be about doing this in 6 or 12 months time. I’ve hated the wedding process so much I would like to get it all over with now. Also having spoken to two other couple who did the legal part and had a garden party after they both said they wouldn’t bother with a hotel party now if they hadn’t already paid hotel deposit and have no other way of getting it back.

It’s still an option and we should ask hotel would they do that if it comes to it. It would however increase cost as it’s essentially having two parties so that also makes us slow to consider it but cards would possibly cover it. (Don’t hate on me for saying that - it’s just the way we think)

I should probably stop blocking this thread now with my depression but getting outsider opinions and views has helped so much so thank you. I’m an odd person by nature and quite pessimistic so hopefully I’ll get over my dread of everything soon and maybe enjoy some of it.

15-05-2021 6:34pm

I have no advice for you about your wedding Teach. I just wanted to write that:
You aren't blocking the thread
We are all a bit odd
Everyone of us have our own ways of looking at such an event and our expectations of it.
Things have a funny way of working out

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 6:56pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks eviltwin, your replies have been most helpful. This is something we have considered, I’m not sure how enthusiastic I would be about doing this in 6 or 12 months time. I’ve hated the wedding process so much I would like to get it all over with now. Also having spoken to two other couple who did the legal part and had a garden party after they both said they wouldn’t bother with a hotel party now if they hadn’t already paid hotel deposit and have no other way of getting it back.

It’s still an option and we should ask hotel would they do that if it comes to it. It would however increase cost as it’s essentially having two parties so that also makes us slow to consider it but cards would possibly cover it. (Don’t hate on me for saying that - it’s just the way we think)

I should probably stop blocking this thread now with my depression but getting outsider opinions and views has helped so much so thank you. I’m an odd person by nature and quite pessimistic so hopefully I’ll get over my dread of everything soon and maybe enjoy some of it.

Don't apologise, your wedding day is one of the most important days of your life and you are dealing with it in the midst of a global crisis, you are allowed to be upset and anxious and all the other emotions you are feeling.

I hope you can find some light in all the dark and find a way to have a day you can look back on with warmth and happiness.

Neyite · 15-05-2021 7:17pm

I agree with Diamonds. It sounds to me like you've been very stoic and accepting of your limited options in real life and this thread should be the one spot where you can get understanding virtual.shoulders to cry or rant on.

There's a few people who are like your relatives, not understanding the disappoint of a covid wedding but I just remember when it was their wedding every detail mattered to them at the time. Sure, in hindsight they all say they'd do it differently if they had to do it again but at the time, they were quite unbending on all of the things that were important in their wedding.

confusticated · 15-05-2021 7:58pm

Yep, sorry Teach I kind of stopped posting as I didn't have any advice for you that I thought would be useful, but do feel free to vent. Everyone has different stresses about their wedding and even more so during all these restrictions, but yours seem to be imposed on you by other people's expectations which is very difficult to deal with.

redheadcork · 16-05-2021 11:12am

Teach30, I know you’ve resigned yourself to having the wedding but it doesn’t sound remotely like the wedding you want. I’d hate to see someone regret their wedding day. Can you honestly say this day will be close to what you want? Can you write out a list of options for the wedding, for example, a pared back day with a family meal/ eloping and having a second day next year/ inviting friends over your siblings children etc and try to think of which option you prefer. Speak to your partner and your family and explain your feelings.
As mentioned before this is one place you can vent and people will listen, because of covid we are all adapting our wedding vision.
When is your wedding?
Also I know you said your friends are teachers and won’t be able to go on a weekday. I’m a teacher too. Remember they could take a course day, if this isn’t an option, they could go just to the meal, mine is on a weekday so I’d be happy to have people there for most of the day. An accommodating principal might allow them to leave a little early to make the ceremony.

Teach30 · 16-05-2021 12:20pm

redheadcork wrote: »

Teach30, I know you’ve resigned yourself to having the wedding but it doesn’t sound remotely like the wedding you want. I’d hate to see someone regret their wedding day. Can you honestly say this day will be close to what you want? Can you write out a list of options for the wedding, for example, a pared back day with a family meal/ eloping and having a second day next year/ inviting friends over your siblings children etc and try to think of which option you prefer. Speak to your partner and your family and explain your feelings.
As mentioned before this is one place you can vent and people will listen, because of covid we are all adapting our wedding vision.
When is your wedding?
Also I know you said your friends are teachers and won’t be able to go on a weekday. I’m a teacher too. Remember they could take a course day, if this isn’t an option, they could go just to the meal, mine is on a weekday so I’d be happy to have people there for most of the day. An accommodating principal might allow them to leave a little early to make the ceremony.

Thanks everyone for the very helpful replies and suggestions.
I’ve gone through all the options and as much as I would like 280+ to attend that’s not happening any time soon. I really want to get it all over on one go, having a party at a later date really doesn’t appeal to me as I’m I over think things and I’d end up planning and unnecessarily worrying about the party for next few months. Keeping weight down, that to wear etc sounds silly but I know I would. I’ve never had a party in my life so this was my one chance to get it right.

I can’t ask friends over siblings or their kids as I live at home and see them every day so don’t think that would go down very well and I wouldnt feel comfortable over doing it as much as I would love to. I’m secondary and we dont get course days and I know management would never allow a large number of staff a day off midweek as class cover etc would be impossible to manage and hotel is far away from school too unfortunately. Thanks though.

I’ve gone through all this with family and they are as clueless as me about it all but would rather get it over with now and not have a party later as it’s a lot of hassle.

I am feeling a little happier about everything today it’s been good to type it all out and see my options. Long term there are better things to spend money on than a wedding and at the moment that’s what’s keeping me sane.

The main part is to be married and we might even skip the meal bit after as I have zero interest in pretending to be pleasant to my siblings and their partners. I’m considering that as it would alleviate some of the pressure and awkwardness of two families meeting for first time too.

woodchuck · 16-05-2021 12:29pm

Teach30, you're obviously not happy about going ahead with the wedding. Have you had a proper conversation with your fiance about this? I really don't see why you can't postpone, given how miserable you are about the situation. I know there are no guarantees with the pandemic, but even postponing by a couple of months is very likely to give you a day that you'll enjoy much more and not regret in the future. Things are finally starting to look more hopeful with the vaccine rollout and while I'm sure restrictions will remain for some time, things should start feeling more normal.

You say you don't want to wait any longer to live together - so don't. You don't have to be married to live together. I know it's not your ideal scenario, but surely it's worth giving serious consideration in light of everything that's going on.

You say you won't get another weekend date with your venue this year, but you do have options there too:
- Switch venues to one with weekend availability this year. I know it means losing a chunk of money, but I'm betting it would be worth it.
- Stick with your original venue and postpone to next year. Move in together in the meantime and focus on setting up your home for now.
- Switch to a weekday this year with your venue and your teacher friends should still be able to make it to the dinner and evening celebrations.

I know postponing isn't for everyone, but it seems that most people who don't postpone come to terms with it all and start looking forward to the wedding again. You just sound so sad about it though

eviltwin · 16-05-2021 12:46pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I really want to get it all over on one go, having a party at a later date really doesn’t appeal to me as I’m I over think things and I’d end up planning and unnecessarily worrying about the party for next few months. Keeping weight down, that to wear etc sounds silly but I know I would. I’ve never had a party in my life so this was my one chance to get it right.

You will have lots of chances to have parties. Would you consider having a big housewarming? That way its not as pressured as a wedding so you don't have the same stress but you could make it how you want, ask who you want, use the savings for decent catering, a dj or a free bar and make it a celebration of your marriage as well?

You have said previously that you don't think people will be as interested in celebrating a wedding after the fact but I think people who are your friends will want to celebrate with you. A party at home is a great way to do it and after the year we've all had you will find people will be dying for a change to have some fun.

I know its not the same as a wedding day but you seem resigned to go ahead with date as planned so why organise something else for later in the summer?

Teach30 · 16-05-2021 12:58pm

eviltwin wrote: »

You will have lots of chances to have parties. Would you consider having a big housewarming? That way its not as pressured as a wedding so you don't have the same stress but you could make it how you want, ask who you want, use the savings for decent catering, a dj or a free bar and make it a celebration of your marriage as well?

You have said previously that you don't think people will be as interested in celebrating a wedding after the fact but I think people who are your friends will want to celebrate with you. A party at home is a great way to do it and after the year we've all had you will find people will be dying for a change to have some fun.

I know its not the same as a wedding day but you seem resigned to go ahead with date as planned so why organise something else for later in the summer?

Yes had considered this but there wouldn’t be room for marquee! Also house is only temporary so don’t really want people seeing it. That and insurance, decent caterers and the clean up afterwards put me off. Would be very messy I’d say. Definitely easier to stick with a venue.

Sorry if I seem like I am knocking everyone’s ideas but in reality lots won’t work for us. I’ve probably considered every possible scenario at this stage as my mind is in over drive from it all.

Teach30 · 16-05-2021 1:06pm

woodchuck wrote: »

Teach30, you're obviously not happy about going ahead with the wedding. Have you had a proper conversation with your fiance about this? I really don't see why you can't postpone, given how miserable you are about the situation. I know there are no guarantees with the pandemic, but even postponing by a couple of months is very likely to give you a day that you'll enjoy much more and not regret in the future. Things are finally starting to look more hopeful with the vaccine rollout and while I'm sure restrictions will remain for some time, things should start feeling more normal.

You say you don't want to wait any longer to live together - so don't. You don't have to be married to live together. I know it's not your ideal scenario, but surely it's worth giving serious consideration in light of everything that's going on.

You say you won't get another weekend date with your venue this year, but you do have options there too:
- Switch venues to one with weekend availability this year. I know it means losing a chunk of money, but I'm betting it would be worth it.
- Stick with your original venue and postpone to next year. Move in together in the meantime and focus on setting up your home for now.
- Switch to a weekday this year with your venue and your teacher friends should still be able to make it to the dinner and evening celebrations.

I know postponing isn't for everyone, but it seems that most people who don't postpone come to terms with it all and start looking forward to the wedding again. You just sound so sad about it though

Great suggestions and after this weekend I am slowly coming to terms with how it will be. We considered moving venue but v difficult to find one with decent food and is nice and not too far away from church. Also losing 3.5k deposit isn’t really an option. I know we could move in together but it’s a complicated family situation which I won’t get into here but being treated fairly plays a part, I’m looking at the bigger picture now after the weekend and thinking about it and prob worth more to me in the long term to just get married and not have a party.

Your dead right there are no guarantees with this pandemic so we could still be in exact same situation in 2 or even 12 months and I’d spend the next while completely overthinking it all as I have been doing and not being able to concentrate on anything. Mentally I’ve certainly suffered and this has been reflected in my work too and I feel I’m not as good at it as I used to be. It wouldn’t be right to keep carrying on like I have so for sake of work alone I should probably get over it all now and get on with it.

That you for taking the time to reply.

redheadcork · 16-05-2021 2:42pm

Teach 30, I hope whatever you decide to do, you will be at peace with it and will enjoy the day.

Neyite · 17-05-2021 5:15pm

Why not skip the meal if that's what you want Teach? One of our potential plans was that we would just go off and do the legal/religious side of it this year and do a blessing +reception next year. And I thought that could work.

But then speaking to one family member they were like "Oh you could do a little garden party" err...I don't have a garden for starters but if I do have a garden and you all come so that's 15 people right there. Then I'd also need to also invite the other side because the mother would be offended and since one side of Aunts and Uncles are already travelling regardless, they'd need an invite, so then you'd need to invite the other side's aunties and uncles for fear of offending the other side. So now you are up around 50 people...

Then because so many are coming, you'd need caterers, right? And you can't just give people a cup of tea so you'd need some booze in to offer them...And maybe a tent because this is Ireland and it usually rains. And you'd get it in the neck from Auntie Maura if you left poor old granny standing around a garden without a chair so you need chairs for people and if you are getting chairs you need a few tables for them to put their food and drink on, right? And you'd be told by your sister that you have to have a cake at a wedding! and a few flowers - doesn't Susan down the road do some lovely ones...and she's done all your siblings wedding flowers so she'd be offended if you didn't let her do your wedding and her husband is friends with Uncle Alan...

And before you know it, you've a full on sodding marquee with chair covers and centrepieces and a DJ and the Gardai are camped outside with their injunction ready to go...

And you'd get the blame for showing up the families because you were the one who's a bridezilla wanting to get married during a pandemic...:pac:

Goose76 · 17-05-2021 6:52pm

our big day is coming up soon thanks to the easing of restrictions for June.

I'm wondering, is it a 'done thing' to get a cake tasting of the wedding cake prior to the big day? I've heard of one bride who was offered this.

Our venue cannot accommodate a food or wine tasting for us regrettably due to COVID and the timing of the wedding, so would love something like a cake tasting instead!

I know I just need to ask the cake-maker but I'm just conscious of etiquette and knowing if this is standard or not.

woodchuck · 17-05-2021 7:35pm

The lady making our cake does tasting boxes, but we needed to pay extra for it. She gave us a list of the most popular choices to come up with a shortlist for tasting and she makes cupcake versions of them for the tasting box (and a decent slab of chocolate biscuit cake!). We met her in a mutual location to pick up the box and tasted them ourselves at home.

Just ask your baker if they do tasting boxes! Even if they charge extra, it's worth it imho. But I do enjoy any excuse for cake :P

qwerty13 · 18-05-2021 5:59am

redheadcork wrote: »

Teach 30, I hope whatever you decide to do, you will be at peace with it and will enjoy the day.

I’ve disagreed with you a lot in the past on these threads Teach. I know you have decided on a reason that’s important to you that means you can’t live with your other half prior to being legally married.

However, you can’t have it every which way. If you can’t compromise on living together, then you either postpone, or put up with the marriage ceremony as allowed by current regulations. You do actually have choices - you’re just choosing not to exercise them. I get how that’s frustrating for you, but you have chosen a certain path. I’m afraid it’s either:
1) compromise on your views (ie live with the guy, and defer the wedding)
2) hold out for the expensive dream day, and stay in your parents house
3) get quietly married and move in afterwards, and do a wedding party later if you wish

I genuinely don’t think there’s any other options. And that having regrets outside of those options is unrealistic, if not foolish.

Faith · 18-05-2021 11:12am

Teach30, I get that your familial/social circumstances are very rigid and you live a life according to a set of rules that most of us don't understand at all. That's absolutely your decision and it's grand.

I strongly think that a change in perspective may do you a world of good. You're so busy thinking of everything you can't have and shooting down everyone's suggestions that it's no wonder your head is wrecked and your mental health is suffering.

Instead of focusing on what's lost and impossible, try taking the position of "Okay, in the framework of what I can control, what do I want?". Try practicing acceptance rather than struggling. Right now, you're in a tug-of-war: One one side, you're desperately trying to pull your wedding over the line to what you want, and on the other side, all of the social rules and expectations are pulling back just as hard. No side is winning, but you're locked in an endless struggle. That's exhausting. What would happen if you put down the rope and walked away for a bit?

If we accept that the following is true:

- You can't live with your fiancé until you're married
- You've postponed once and don't want to again
- Covid restrictions mean there is a massive cap on numbers
- You won't have a proper wedding day as you've imagined it
- Spending the full day with your families is unlikely to be fulfilling or enjoyable

So, if you accept the above as true and stop the fight against those facts, then what would you like to do?

jamesbondings · 18-05-2021 6:55pm

We had our big day yesterday.
It was really a beautiful day. It felt like we were not very prepped but it all fell together really nicely on the day.
No hotel would take a new booking so we made a pergola and I built a kind of open marquee.
We were very lucky with the weather.
Being totally honest, if I had to do it again I would actually do it the same way. Small and intimate with the people we love most.

To those doing small, it was a brilliant day. Sad that more couldn't attend the garden bit but, still more than memorable. And we weren't spread too thin with the guests everyone had a ball. (except for the neighbors I'm sure, we did let them know in advance and they were all very supportive).

Alkers · 18-05-2021 7:09pm

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

S.I. No. 701/2020 - Health Act 1947 (Section 31A - Temporary Restrictions) (Covid-19) (No. 10) Regulations 2020

The only exception I can see is at section 5(2) but that only applies to people part of the same or a paired household:

From the Health Act 1947:

I've looked into other legislation and a garden is definitely considered part of a dwelling. And don't think you could tackle a Guard on it if they don't specifically mention the word dwelling!

(Never ask a lawyer about legislation )

You wouldn't happen to know whether that has been extended / ammended? The page linked seems to suggest those restrictions only apply until the end of January 2021. We, of course will be complying with the numbers permitted at the time, but that seems to suggest that marquee weddings are not permitted at all?

eviltwin · 18-05-2021 7:13pm

Teach30 wrote: »

In my mind if I was asked to the church and meal I’d say the couple were only looking for a card. I wouldn’t expect friends to get dressed up hair done etc for an hour and then go home. I’d feel terrible for them. If I was being invited to a guest to just the church I dunno would I be bothered with the hassle with having to get an outfit, hair done etc and then have to give €100 on top of it. That’s the way we’d see being invited to just the church - and yes I understand not everyone thinks like that but anyone I’d know would. We’d never be seen to do that, we’d be talk of the parish.

They don't need to dress up or spend money on hair etc.....they just need to be there. Isn't that what is important??? They can say no of course but they are your friends, I'm sure they would love to be part of your day. And they don't have to give money, you can let them know that now so no one feels under pressure.

You keep going back to your neighbours and family and what they will think as if you live in some weird part of the world where everyone thinks the same.....life isn't like that, most people are actually quite decent and have enough going on in their own life to be worrying about your wedding day. Don't transfer what your family say onto everyone else.

The previous posters have it spot on, you have to make a decision what you want and stick with it. Do you want to get married or have a wedding? Do you want to move on as a couple or do you want the big day that everyone will be talking about for years to come? You've spoken before on this forum about how important the size and expense is but I think it will be a good long while yet before we see a return to those kinds of events.

confusticated · 18-05-2021 9:15pm

jamesbondings wrote: »

We had our big day yesterday.
It was really a beautiful day. It felt like we were not very prepped but it all fell together really nicely on the day.
No hotel would take a new booking so we made a pergola and I built a kind of open marquee.
We were very lucky with the weather.
Being totally honest, if I had to do it again I would actually do it the same way. Small and intimate with the people we love most.

To those doing small, it was a brilliant day. Sad that more couldn't attend the garden bit but, still more than memorable. And we weren't spread too thin with the guests everyone had a ball. (except for the neighbors I'm sure, we did let them know in advance and they were all very supportive).

Congratulations! That sounds lovely.

confusticated · 18-05-2021 9:17pm

Goose76 wrote: »

our big day is coming up soon thanks to the easing of restrictions for June.

I'm wondering, is it a 'done thing' to get a cake tasting of the wedding cake prior to the big day? I've heard of one bride who was offered this.

Our venue cannot accommodate a food or wine tasting for us regrettably due to COVID and the timing of the wedding, so would love something like a cake tasting instead!

I know I just need to ask the cake-maker but I'm just conscious of etiquette and knowing if this is standard or not.

I think most places do a tasting to let you pick flavours? Any I've seen at wedding fairs had samples there to taste and said they did tastings once booked to choose what flavours and decorations you wanted.

Raisins · 18-05-2021 10:07pm

Teach30 wrote: »

In my mind if I was asked to the church and meal I’d say the couple were only looking for a card. I wouldn’t expect friends to get dressed up hair done etc for an hour and then go home. I’d feel terrible for them. If I was being invited to a guest to just the church I dunno would I be bothered with the hassle with having to get an outfit, hair done etc and then have to give €100 on top of it. That’s the way we’d see being invited to just the church - and yes I understand not everyone thinks like that but anyone I’d know would. We’d never be seen to do that, we’d be talk of the parish.

The only way to have a good day would be to see number of guest go up but not sure when that will change again.

You should think about this contradiction. On the one hand you can’t have a good day unless the guest list goes up but on the other hand there’s no point inviting some of these people to the church as they’re so cynical that they’d view an invitation to the ceremony as looking for a wedding card. You’re desperate to celebrate your wedding with these people but they wouldn’t wash their hair to see you get married.

XxMCRxBabyxX · 19-05-2021 10:21am

Alkers wrote: »

You wouldn't happen to know whether that has been extended / ammended? The page linked seems to suggest those restrictions only apply until the end of January 2021. We, of course will be complying with the numbers permitted at the time, but that seems to suggest that marquee weddings are not permitted at all?

The latest regulations can be found here and applies until 2 June: S.I. No. 217/2021 - Health Act 1947 (Section 31A - Temporary Restrictions) (Covid-19) (No. 2) Regulations 2021

Nothing up for after 2 June yet, will keep an eye out! They appear to be the same for now I'm afraid! It may be worth calling the guards on a no name basis and see if they know any more? My reading would be that marquees at home are out but maybe more information / a different interpretation has been provided to them

XxMCRxBabyxX · 19-05-2021 10:31am

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Our wedding is the 5th. We just wanted an extra 2 - 4 guests so that our brothers (and their girlfriends) could attend. I'm gutted.

They'll now be able to stay in our hotel but not attend our wedding because of 2 days!

A belated update on this! We had a meeting with the hotel and have reached an agreement of sorts. They are being sticklers and won't let us have the extra 4 people in the reception with us. They were originally saying no to even having them at the ceremony but after threatening to cancel they relented on that. Instead we have our siblings booked in for dinner downstairs while we have the official reception with our parents upstairs. We then have 2 tables on the bar booked in for all of us and will finish the night down there.

We also have a plan to go out to Stephen's Green to have our own mini reception between the ceremony and going back in for dinner so we should get as much of the day as we can together. Our original bridal party will be meeting us there too.

It's anything but ideal but at least we can have the 12 of us together for most of the night! I think it's crazy that they can have a meal with 50 other people downstairs and not with us but what can you do?

confusticated · 20-05-2021 1:49pm

It does seem really silly that you can book tables for all of you at the bar later but not have had dinner together. Sounds like you're making it work though!

Michellenman · 27-05-2021 9:27pm

Good news ðŸ¥°

NufcNavan · 27-05-2021 10:02pm

Possibly 100 here for July? Which to believe?

woodchuck · 27-05-2021 11:29pm

RTE is usually pretty reliable. They're currently reporting:

"From 5 July, indoor events with up to 100 people in attendance in large spaces are also on the cards. This would include weddings, for example. For small venues, attendance would be restricted to 50 people."

Obviously we'll have to wait and see what's decided tomorrow.

Our venue is on the small side though, so wondering if we'll be stuck at 50 in September, while larger venues are allowed a lot more. I'd be delighted with 50, but would love to be able to send invites to around 60-70 without worrying about potentially having to uninvite people if too many accept the invitation...

siblers · 27-05-2021 11:32pm

Getting married in October, we'd be more than happy with 50 but I'd assume it will be 100 for us.

Ankhyu · 28-05-2021 12:45am

October here too, after all my stressing out over the 50 person guest list recently, I'm actually gonna cry with happiness if we can have 100. I'll be glued to the announcement tomorrow

Shyboy · 28-05-2021 8:05am

Will be interesting to see if there is any movement on live music/dancing being allowed at weddings? 50/100 people at a wedding and no entertainment?

2021 Bride/Groom

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