2021 Bride/Groom

ilovesmybrick · 10-05-2021 6:24pm

anfield90 wrote: »

Hi everyone, first time posting here! Just looking for a few opinions. Getting married at the end of June which seems likely we'll have 25 guests, all going well. Our immediate families make up 16 leaving 9. We both have similar size group of friends and would have to pick some friends over others which I'm struggling with being honest as I'd hate to offend anyone. We're not mad into big weddings so a small wedding suits us down to the ground. Are we mad to just leave it at our family members and then celebrate with friends down the line?

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. We've had several friends tell us that if the numbers are low not to worry and use their invites for family members, and we've done the same. Unless people are living in cloud cuckoo land they will understand entirely at this stage. Personally we were looking at just immediate family and best man/bridesmaid if we were looking at 25. Either way, it's your day, don't worry about offending people. It's nothing to do with them and if they don't have a degree of understanding about the difficulties getting married in 2020/2021 I'd be inclined to say it says more about them than anything else.

OwlsZat · 10-05-2021 6:55pm

I'd be more inclined to reconsider them as friends to be honest. It's not a situation of anyone's doing.

:| · 10-05-2021 10:09pm

Maybe check with your venue though as you may still have to pay for the 25 even if less than that attend

Ankhyu · 14-05-2021 10:27am

Really struggling with doing a guest list for 50 people.

The wedding isn't until October so we have time, and we're hoping that the restrictions loosen to allow more than that, but 50 is probably the most likely scenario...

I'd find it easier to figure out if we could only have 25, as that would just be immediate family and a couple of friends, but 50 is just so hard!

Having said that I'm not willing to cut it down to a small wedding just for the sake of making it easier to do a guest list, our plan is to go ahead either way, and have as many as restrictions will allow. Our ideal guest list pandemic aside would have been 100, and about 30 invites to the afters.

Our current draft for 50 has just immediate family and the rest are friends. We'd have quite a large circle of friends, being from Dublin & Clare but living in Cork the last few years, so we have groups from each place. Plus I feel that this way we'd really enjoy our day.

Only thing is we've no uncles or aunts (nevermind cousins) on this list and I'm afraid I'll look back and regret not having them there, specifically the uncle and aunt that I'm closer to. I don't mind as much if the others weren't there, but I don't think you could invite an uncle over from the UK and not the others that live locally to the wedding??

If I invite them all and their partners that's 12 people on my side, and would find it very hard to sacrifice 12 friend invites in their place. My FH only has 1 on his mam's side and they're close knit, so him and his wife and kid are on the list, whereas he barely knows his uncles and aunts on his dad's side, so was told by his dad there was no expectation of an invite as its such a huge extended family.

Then there's the dilemma of whether to invite friends partners, or inviting married couples whose weddings we went to, but wouldn't necessarily be that close to.

We're also attending a wedding only 2 weeks before ours, I only met the bride once at my 30th, but the groom is a good friend of mine for years. It would be rude to invite him and not her, right??

I'm tearing my hair out here.

I'm well aware we could be in a lot worse off of a position than couples getting married in tighter restrictions, which is what my mother said to me when I tried to bring it up before :rolleyes:

I do empathise, but I figured if anyone could understand my frustration it would be other couples trying to plan during this sh1tshow!

Any advice very much appreciated

Neyite · 14-05-2021 11:12am

It really is a personal preference and I think that people have been very understanding at being left off the list during a pandemic.

Me personally, I always wanted a small wedding so it was always going to be limited to very close friends, immediate family (including kids) and the few aunts and uncles remaining in the family. But other families don't have a closeness to aunts/uncles and maybe it's important to them to have friends there over relations they don't know...

If your friends all know each other then a group without plus ones might work well?

dockysher · 14-05-2021 1:36pm

Ankhyu wrote: »

Really struggling with doing a guest list for 50 people.

The wedding isn't until October so we have time, and we're hoping that the restrictions loosen to allow more than that, but 50 is probably the most likely scenario...

I'd find it easier to figure out if we could only have 25, as that would just be immediate family and a couple of friends, but 50 is just so hard!

Having said that I'm not willing to cut it down to a small wedding just for the sake of making it easier to do a guest list, our plan is to go ahead either way, and have as many as restrictions will allow. Our ideal guest list pandemic aside would have been 100, and about 30 invites to the afters.

Our current draft for 50 has just immediate family and the rest are friends. We'd have quite a large circle of friends, being from Dublin & Clare but living in Cork the last few years, so we have groups from each place. Plus I feel that this way we'd really enjoy our day.

Only thing is we've no uncles or aunts (nevermind cousins) on this list and I'm afraid I'll look back and regret not having them there, specifically the uncle and aunt that I'm closer to. I don't mind as much if the others weren't there, but I don't think you could invite an uncle over from the UK and not the others that live locally to the wedding??

If I invite them all and their partners that's 12 people on my side, and would find it very hard to sacrifice 12 friend invites in their place. My FH only has 1 on his mam's side and they're close knit, so him and his wife and kid are on the list, whereas he barely knows his uncles and aunts on his dad's side, so was told by his dad there was no expectation of an invite as its such a huge extended family.

Then there's the dilemma of whether to invite friends partners, or inviting married couples whose weddings we went to, but wouldn't necessarily be that close to.

We're also attending a wedding only 2 weeks before ours, I only met the bride once at my 30th, but the groom is a good friend of mine for years. It would be rude to invite him and not her, right??

I'm tearing my hair out here.

I'm well aware we could be in a lot worse off of a position than couples getting married in tighter restrictions, which is what my mother said to me when I tried to bring it up before :rolleyes:

I do empathise, but I figured if anyone could understand my frustration it would be other couples trying to plan during this sh1tshow!

Any advice very much appreciated

We are September wedding and we fully confident numbers be minimum at 100 guests by then. Lot will change next few weeks and especially in July. I have heard from a few sources of 100 being allowed in August. I certainly would not worry yet anyways

Ankhyu · 14-05-2021 2:57pm

dockysher wrote: »

We are September wedding and we fully confident numbers be minimum at 100 guests by then. Lot will change next few weeks and especially in July. I have heard from a few sources of 100 being allowed in August. I certainly would not worry yet anyways

That would really be amazing if it works out, just trying to have my bases covered in case it's 50.

I suppose I shouldn't be stressing about it too much yet until closer to the time when invites need to be going out.

woodchuck · 14-05-2021 3:03pm

Ankhyu, hopefully you're pulling your hair out over nothing. We're September and hopeful that the numbers will be at least 50, if not 100, by then. With the vaccine rollout well underway, the days of yoyo lockdowns should hopefully be behind us soon. I reckon there will be restrictions on gatherings/weddings for the foreseeable future, but hopefully they'll continue to ease gradually.

You still have plenty of time before you need to send out your invites anyway, so I'd just put the guestlist aside for a couple of months and hopefully there'll be more information about the easing of restrictions then.

IF it turns out that you can only have 50 guests in October, then all the usual invitation etiquette goes out the window as far as I'm concerned. E.g. invite friends, but not their partners. Or pick and choose which aunts/uncles you want there on the day, instead of inviting all of them. I'm sure people will be sympathetic and understanding - and picking up the phone to explain would be a good idea too.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 10:49am

Few people have been asking me are we not doing hen/stag ... I can’t describe the feeling it give me saying no, how could we possibly risk it. I’m then made feel like a complete bore for not doing something.

Dreading work trying to do some sort of celebration for me as I have no interest in pretending to be happy yet I know I’ll look back and regret being like this. Can’t seem to enjoy anything and I’m a wreck to be around.

Do people have any advice on how to deal with this? I’m really not in the mood for a party and have tried telling people that but I’m living on my neves in case they do and I have a breakdown in the middle of it.

Also very fearful that we will get call to go for vaccine before wedding, I think I’d have to say no as I have heard people being quite sick the day after it and things are bad enough without adding that to the day.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 11:40am

Teach30 wrote: »

Few people have been asking me are we not doing hen/stag ... I can’t describe the feeling it give me saying no, how could we possibly risk it. I’m then made feel like a complete bore for not doing something.

Dreading work trying to do some sort of celebration for me as I have no interest in pretending to be happy yet I know I’ll look back and regret being like this. Can’t seem to enjoy anything and I’m a wreck to be around.

Do people have any advice on how to deal with this? I’m really not in the mood for a party and have tried telling people that but I’m living on my neves in case they do and I have a breakdown in the middle of it.

Also very fearful that we will get call to go for vaccine before wedding, I think I’d have to say no as I have heard people being quite sick the day after it and things are bad enough without adding that to the day.

If things are this bad that its starting to affect your mood would you not consider postponing? This can't be much fun for your fiance either if you are this down over everything? I know you have said before you can't but these are extreme times and under the circumstances it might be best for you if you have even a few months grace. What's a few months really when you are planning a lifetime with someone? With all due respect to any bride to be, its just a wedding, its really not worth having a breakdown over

If you do decide to go ahead then you need to find some way to make peace with not having the wedding you anticipated. I know that sounds harsh but these are the times we are in and it has messed up so many plans for so many people. You can choose to feel angry about it or you can resign yourself to it and make the best of it. I know a few couples who have had covid weddings and despite it not being what they wanted they ended up having a really wonderful day. Yes you might have to rethink who you ask but again, under the circumstances, I think a lot of people who were originally going will be happy to step aside to let someone you are closer to take their place. You might be surprised at how many people are happy to stay home and not take the risk.

Tell people who call you boring to do one. Where exactly do they think a hen or stag is going to take place anyway?

Re the vaccination, I had mine through work a few months back and was sick with flu like symptoms for three days. About half our office were affected, the other half were grand. If you get called close to the wedding call the vaccination people, they should reschedule for you - some of our staff were able to do that.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 11:52am

eviltwin wrote: »

Re the vaccination, I had mine through work a few months back and was sick with flu like symptoms for three days. About half our office were affected, the other half were grand. If you get called close to the wedding call the vaccination people, they should reschedule for you - some of our staff were able to do that.

Thank you ever so much for that info I had heard if you say no to it you go to bottom of the list so that’s certainly a relief. I have no idea when we will be called but knowing my luck it would be in run up to it.

Everything you wrote in your very kind reply is what I’m experiencing, we are hesitant to postpone again as you really don’t know if things will change and living apart is no fun anymore for us.

I would only love to include friends on the guest list and they would come but I have to have family there as much as I despise some of them and they will add absolutely nothing to the day only fill me with more hate for them.

I’m trying my very best to come to terms with 25 but it’s a real struggle. It’s hard to explain the anxiety I have over it more so due to all the things that have to be done now shops are reopening such as outfits for family, shoes, get a house sorted for us, furniture, electricals etc. Don’t suggest buying op line.. no bargains there.

There is a real sense of panic setting in over all that stuff too so not helping my mood. I am trying to be happy and that’s why work think I’m ok with it all but inside I’m actually a wreck. Will try harder to fake it over the next few weeks until we are finished up.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 12:01pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thank you ever so much for that info I had heard if you say no to it you go to bottom of the list so that’s certainly a relief. I have no idea when we will be called but knowing my luck it would be in run up to it.

Everything you wrote in your very kind reply is what I’m experiencing, we are hesitant to postpone again as you really don’t know if things will change and living apart is no fun anymore for us.

I would only love to include friends on the guest list and they would come but I have to have family there as much as I despise some of them and they will add absolutely nothing to the day only fill me with more hate for them.

I’m trying my very best to come to terms with 25 but it’s a real struggle. It’s hard to explain the anxiety I have over it more so due to all the things that have to be done now shops are reopening such as outfits for family, shoes, get a house sorted for us, furniture, electricals etc. Don’t suggest buying op line.. no bargains there.

There is a real sense of panic setting in over all that stuff too so not helping my mood. I am trying to be happy and that’s why work think I’m ok with it all but inside I’m actually a wreck. Will try harder to fake it over the next few weeks until we are finished up.

Does your fiance know how this is all affecting you?

I can understand why postponing and putting life on hold isn't something you want to do but, on the flip side, do you really want to spend the next however long looking back at your wedding and its build up and just having sad memories?

Its not like you would be looking at years in the future, if you could hold off until later in the summer would that give you something positive to focus on? You could also just say feck it and move in together now so at least its not like live has stalled. It seems like you are making compromises to suit everyone around you and totally forgetting about what you want to make your day right for you. I get the pressures but you will only ever be a bride once, the family will have lots of other weddings to get involved in.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 12:32pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Does your fiance know how this is all affecting you?

I can understand why postponing and putting life on hold isn't something you want to do but, on the flip side, do you really want to spend the next however long looking back at your wedding and its build up and just having sad memories?

Its not like you would be looking at years in the future, if you could hold off until later in the summer would that give you something positive to focus on? You could also just say feck it and move in together now so at least its not like live has stalled. It seems like you are making compromises to suit everyone around you and totally forgetting about what you want to make your day right for you. I get the pressures but you will only ever be a bride once, the family will have lots of other weddings to get involved in.

100% he knows I’m very bad about things but it’s gone on for so long now we want it over with. It’s not easy postpone now either as hotel has no weekends dates left and I can’t choose a weekday date as friends are teachers and wouldn’t get the day off. Midterms are now booked too and with hotel have a 3.5k deposit they won’t give it back. August weekday dates are gone now too so we have no luck really.

We can move in but it’s awfully complicated situation and I won’t get into it here but there is a lot nvolved and looking at the bigger picture I need to remind myself that it’s just one day and sticking it out living at home will have a much greater reward.. v complicated situation that v few would understand so won’t say more about that.

Even typing this out had been very helpful and that’s for being understanding. My family know how I feel also but are very much get over it and get on with things. I am last to get married and they are not into weddings at all. They would prefer to go home after church and go back working if I’m honest, that aren’t into the party side of things especially if it’s a very small number of people - why bother with a hotel. I also agree with them on this as it’s a waste of money having meal for people who won’t appreciate it (which my side won’t) and will only go home after it. It would be fine if my family were a bit of fun but they’re not.

Postponing to a august/September of a date came up it might still only be 25 and the stress of changing everything for that I am unsure of it would be worth it.

Thanks for listening I do feel better, I have a different way of viewing and dealing with things so sorry if I seem strange about it all.

zedhead · 15-05-2021 3:04pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Even typing this out had been very helpful and that’s for being understanding. My family know how I feel also but are very much get over it and get on with things. I am last to get married and they are not into weddings at all. They would prefer to go home after church and go back working if I’m honest, that aren’t into the party side of things especially if it’s a very small number of people - why bother with a hotel. I also agree with them on this as it’s a waste of money having meal for people who won’t appreciate it (which my side won’t) and will only go home after it. It would be fine if my family were a bit of fun but they’re not.

Postponing to a august/September of a date came up it might still only be 25 and the stress of changing everything for that I am unsure of it would be worth it.

Thanks for listening I do feel better, I have a different way of viewing and dealing with things so sorry if I seem strange about it all.

If your family arent into the party part, and you can have 50 at the church but only 25 at the reception would you consider having a conversation with them to see if they even want to go to the reception. Even if some of them agree it would open up a few more spaces with friends. It may be worth even opening up a discussion.
Myself and my husbands friends all met us outside our venue and spent 30 mins in a park close by celebrating with us. They all took the day off work even just to be with us for 30 mins after our ceremony. And to be honest it was amazing. Youd be surprised what some people are open too.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 3:21pm

zedhead wrote: »

If your family arent into the party part, and you can have 50 at the church but only 25 at the reception would you consider having a conversation with them to see if they even want to go to the reception. Even if some of them agree it would open up a few more spaces with friends. It may be worth even opening up a discussion.
Myself and my husbands friends all met us outside our venue and spent 30 mins in a park close by celebrating with us. They all took the day off work even just to be with us for 30 mins after our ceremony. And to be honest it was amazing. Youd be surprised what some people are open too.

Asking people to church and no meal isnt really something we would do, thanks though. Out of my 12 family members 6 are children and there’s no way I’d get away with leaving them out. The rest will go to meal as people would talk if they didn’t. The rest are my parents and siblings and in laws. I’d only love to tell them go home but I’d never be forgiven. There’s no real party now anyways as we can’t have band so it’s just the dinner. No other entertainment.

Friends turning up outside church is a lovely idea but I’m not sure how I’d react! I’d feel very bad saying goodbye to them and potentially it would get me very down as I’d only love them to be at meal and dancing to the band.

Thanks for the lovely ideas though and closer to the time if I feel able I might say it to the group that they can come to church for a look if the like.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 4:15pm

[QUOTE=Teach30;117170297]Asking people to church and no meal isnt really something we would do, thanks though. Out of my 12 family members 6 are children and there’s no way I’d get away with leaving them out. The rest will go to meal as people would talk if they didn’t. The rest are my parents and siblings and in laws. I’d only love to tell them go home but I’d never be forgiven. There’s no real party now anyways as we can’t have band so it’s just the dinner. No other entertainment.

Friends turning up outside church is a lovely idea but I’m not sure how I’d react! I’d feel very bad saying goodbye to them and potentially it would get me very down as I’d only love them to be at meal and dancing to the band.

Thanks for the lovely ideas though and closer to the time if I feel able I might say it to the group that they can come to church for a look if the like.[/QUOTE]

The bit in bold I would get if this was a normal wedding but its not, its a covid wedding. You cannot have the event you planned and that's not your choice or your decision, you have been forced into a corner by events outside your control and I would expect people to rally around you both and understand that and be accommodating.

There is always going to be someone who gets the hump and you can't control that either but what is the worst that can happen? What will your cousin/auntie or whoever say if you tell them they are only able to go to the church now? Not talk to you? Cut you off? If they cannot make accommodations to you and your partner in light of your limited numbers then they are not the sort of people I'd want in my wedding anyway.

I know you have said on many of your previous posts before that you are stuck asking people you don't want to, are you sure you are not just making assumptions? I can't believe that everyone you know is so selfish as to expect an invite to your wedding knowing how much it has been pared back.

The other option is to talk to your fiance and just invite who you want and screw what people think.....that could actually be a good thing for you to assert yourself and have the day you want. Take back your control. I know you probably can't see beyond your wedding at the moment but you have a long life ahead of you and its important you set a clear boundary that its you and your husband now, you're a team and he's your primary family now. Everyone else's needs and wants come second to what you as a couple feel is best for your family.

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 4:54pm

eviltwin wrote: »

The bit in bold I would get if this was a normal wedding but its not, its a covid wedding. You cannot have the event you planned and that's not your choice or your decision, you have been forced into a corner by events outside your control and I would expect people to rally around you both and understand that and be accommodating.

There is always going to be someone who gets the hump and you can't control that either but what is the worst that can happen? What will your cousin/auntie or whoever say if you tell them they are only able to go to the church now? Not talk to you? Cut you off? If they cannot make accommodations to you and your partner in light of your limited numbers then they are not the sort of people I'd want in my wedding anyway.

In my mind if I was asked to the church and meal I’d say the couple were only looking for a card. I wouldn’t expect friends to get dressed up hair done etc for an hour and then go home. I’d feel terrible for them. If I was being invited to a guest to just the church I dunno would I be bothered with the hassle with having to get an outfit, hair done etc and then have to give €100 on top of it. That’s the way we’d see being invited to just the church - and yes I understand not everyone thinks like that but anyone I’d know would. We’d never be seen to do that, we’d be talk of the parish.

With the numbers being 12 each we have no cousins or aunts/uncles so for my 12 it’s just my parents siblings and their other halves and children. I’d gladly leave children at home but risk never being spoken to again by my parents and theirs. Hardly worth the hassle.
12 really is a miserable number to have and even if children were left out asking 6 friends to just a meal and no band might be boring for them, especially as they wouldn’t know anyone else?

The only way to have a good day would be to see number of guest go up but not sure when that will change again.

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 5:07pm

Teach30 wrote: »

In my mind if I was asked to the church and meal I’d say the couple were only looking for a card. I wouldn’t expect friends to get dressed up hair done etc for an hour and then go home. I’d feel terrible for them. If I was being invited to a guest to just the church I dunno would I be bothered with the hassle with having to get an outfit, hair done etc and then have to give €100 on top of it. That’s the way we’d see being invited to just the church - and yes I understand not everyone thinks like that but anyone I’d know would. We’d never be seen to do that, we’d be talk of the parish.

With the numbers being 12 each we have no cousins or aunts/uncles so for my 12 it’s just my parents siblings and their other halves and children. I’d gladly leave children at home but risk never being spoken to again by my parents and theirs. Hardly worth the hassle.
12 really is a miserable number to have and even if children were left out asking 6 friends to just a meal and no band might be boring for them, especially as they wouldn’t know anyone else?

The only way to have a good day would be to see number of guest go up but not sure when that will change again.

Would it help to go ahead with your wedding as planned but to see it as getting the legal bit out of the way and then have your big celebration for everyone you want to ask when things less restricted?

Teach30 · 15-05-2021 5:17pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Would it help to go ahead with your wedding as planned but to see it as getting the legal bit out of the way and then have your big celebration for everyone you want to ask when things less restricted?

Thanks eviltwin, your replies have been most helpful. This is something we have considered, I’m not sure how enthusiastic I would be about doing this in 6 or 12 months time. I’ve hated the wedding process so much I would like to get it all over with now. Also having spoken to two other couple who did the legal part and had a garden party after they both said they wouldn’t bother with a hotel party now if they hadn’t already paid hotel deposit and have no other way of getting it back.

It’s still an option and we should ask hotel would they do that if it comes to it. It would however increase cost as it’s essentially having two parties so that also makes us slow to consider it but cards would possibly cover it. (Don’t hate on me for saying that - it’s just the way we think)

I should probably stop blocking this thread now with my depression but getting outsider opinions and views has helped so much so thank you. I’m an odd person by nature and quite pessimistic so hopefully I’ll get over my dread of everything soon and maybe enjoy some of it.

15-05-2021 6:34pm

I have no advice for you about your wedding Teach. I just wanted to write that:
You aren't blocking the thread
We are all a bit odd
Everyone of us have our own ways of looking at such an event and our expectations of it.
Things have a funny way of working out

eviltwin · 15-05-2021 6:56pm

Teach30 wrote: »

Thanks eviltwin, your replies have been most helpful. This is something we have considered, I’m not sure how enthusiastic I would be about doing this in 6 or 12 months time. I’ve hated the wedding process so much I would like to get it all over with now. Also having spoken to two other couple who did the legal part and had a garden party after they both said they wouldn’t bother with a hotel party now if they hadn’t already paid hotel deposit and have no other way of getting it back.

It’s still an option and we should ask hotel would they do that if it comes to it. It would however increase cost as it’s essentially having two parties so that also makes us slow to consider it but cards would possibly cover it. (Don’t hate on me for saying that - it’s just the way we think)

I should probably stop blocking this thread now with my depression but getting outsider opinions and views has helped so much so thank you. I’m an odd person by nature and quite pessimistic so hopefully I’ll get over my dread of everything soon and maybe enjoy some of it.

Don't apologise, your wedding day is one of the most important days of your life and you are dealing with it in the midst of a global crisis, you are allowed to be upset and anxious and all the other emotions you are feeling.

I hope you can find some light in all the dark and find a way to have a day you can look back on with warmth and happiness.

Neyite · 15-05-2021 7:17pm

I agree with Diamonds. It sounds to me like you've been very stoic and accepting of your limited options in real life and this thread should be the one spot where you can get understanding virtual.shoulders to cry or rant on.

There's a few people who are like your relatives, not understanding the disappoint of a covid wedding but I just remember when it was their wedding every detail mattered to them at the time. Sure, in hindsight they all say they'd do it differently if they had to do it again but at the time, they were quite unbending on all of the things that were important in their wedding.

confusticated · 15-05-2021 7:58pm

Yep, sorry Teach I kind of stopped posting as I didn't have any advice for you that I thought would be useful, but do feel free to vent. Everyone has different stresses about their wedding and even more so during all these restrictions, but yours seem to be imposed on you by other people's expectations which is very difficult to deal with.

redheadcork · 16-05-2021 11:12am

Teach30, I know you’ve resigned yourself to having the wedding but it doesn’t sound remotely like the wedding you want. I’d hate to see someone regret their wedding day. Can you honestly say this day will be close to what you want? Can you write out a list of options for the wedding, for example, a pared back day with a family meal/ eloping and having a second day next year/ inviting friends over your siblings children etc and try to think of which option you prefer. Speak to your partner and your family and explain your feelings.
As mentioned before this is one place you can vent and people will listen, because of covid we are all adapting our wedding vision.
When is your wedding?
Also I know you said your friends are teachers and won’t be able to go on a weekday. I’m a teacher too. Remember they could take a course day, if this isn’t an option, they could go just to the meal, mine is on a weekday so I’d be happy to have people there for most of the day. An accommodating principal might allow them to leave a little early to make the ceremony.

Teach30 · 16-05-2021 12:20pm

redheadcork wrote: »

Teach30, I know you’ve resigned yourself to having the wedding but it doesn’t sound remotely like the wedding you want. I’d hate to see someone regret their wedding day. Can you honestly say this day will be close to what you want? Can you write out a list of options for the wedding, for example, a pared back day with a family meal/ eloping and having a second day next year/ inviting friends over your siblings children etc and try to think of which option you prefer. Speak to your partner and your family and explain your feelings.
As mentioned before this is one place you can vent and people will listen, because of covid we are all adapting our wedding vision.
When is your wedding?
Also I know you said your friends are teachers and won’t be able to go on a weekday. I’m a teacher too. Remember they could take a course day, if this isn’t an option, they could go just to the meal, mine is on a weekday so I’d be happy to have people there for most of the day. An accommodating principal might allow them to leave a little early to make the ceremony.

Thanks everyone for the very helpful replies and suggestions.
I’ve gone through all the options and as much as I would like 280+ to attend that’s not happening any time soon. I really want to get it all over on one go, having a party at a later date really doesn’t appeal to me as I’m I over think things and I’d end up planning and unnecessarily worrying about the party for next few months. Keeping weight down, that to wear etc sounds silly but I know I would. I’ve never had a party in my life so this was my one chance to get it right.

I can’t ask friends over siblings or their kids as I live at home and see them every day so don’t think that would go down very well and I wouldnt feel comfortable over doing it as much as I would love to. I’m secondary and we dont get course days and I know management would never allow a large number of staff a day off midweek as class cover etc would be impossible to manage and hotel is far away from school too unfortunately. Thanks though.

I’ve gone through all this with family and they are as clueless as me about it all but would rather get it over with now and not have a party later as it’s a lot of hassle.

I am feeling a little happier about everything today it’s been good to type it all out and see my options. Long term there are better things to spend money on than a wedding and at the moment that’s what’s keeping me sane.

The main part is to be married and we might even skip the meal bit after as I have zero interest in pretending to be pleasant to my siblings and their partners. I’m considering that as it would alleviate some of the pressure and awkwardness of two families meeting for first time too.

woodchuck · 16-05-2021 12:29pm

Teach30, you're obviously not happy about going ahead with the wedding. Have you had a proper conversation with your fiance about this? I really don't see why you can't postpone, given how miserable you are about the situation. I know there are no guarantees with the pandemic, but even postponing by a couple of months is very likely to give you a day that you'll enjoy much more and not regret in the future. Things are finally starting to look more hopeful with the vaccine rollout and while I'm sure restrictions will remain for some time, things should start feeling more normal.

You say you don't want to wait any longer to live together - so don't. You don't have to be married to live together. I know it's not your ideal scenario, but surely it's worth giving serious consideration in light of everything that's going on.

You say you won't get another weekend date with your venue this year, but you do have options there too:
- Switch venues to one with weekend availability this year. I know it means losing a chunk of money, but I'm betting it would be worth it.
- Stick with your original venue and postpone to next year. Move in together in the meantime and focus on setting up your home for now.
- Switch to a weekday this year with your venue and your teacher friends should still be able to make it to the dinner and evening celebrations.

I know postponing isn't for everyone, but it seems that most people who don't postpone come to terms with it all and start looking forward to the wedding again. You just sound so sad about it though

eviltwin · 16-05-2021 12:46pm

Teach30 wrote: »

I really want to get it all over on one go, having a party at a later date really doesn’t appeal to me as I’m I over think things and I’d end up planning and unnecessarily worrying about the party for next few months. Keeping weight down, that to wear etc sounds silly but I know I would. I’ve never had a party in my life so this was my one chance to get it right.

You will have lots of chances to have parties. Would you consider having a big housewarming? That way its not as pressured as a wedding so you don't have the same stress but you could make it how you want, ask who you want, use the savings for decent catering, a dj or a free bar and make it a celebration of your marriage as well?

You have said previously that you don't think people will be as interested in celebrating a wedding after the fact but I think people who are your friends will want to celebrate with you. A party at home is a great way to do it and after the year we've all had you will find people will be dying for a change to have some fun.

I know its not the same as a wedding day but you seem resigned to go ahead with date as planned so why organise something else for later in the summer?

Teach30 · 16-05-2021 12:58pm

eviltwin wrote: »

You will have lots of chances to have parties. Would you consider having a big housewarming? That way its not as pressured as a wedding so you don't have the same stress but you could make it how you want, ask who you want, use the savings for decent catering, a dj or a free bar and make it a celebration of your marriage as well?

You have said previously that you don't think people will be as interested in celebrating a wedding after the fact but I think people who are your friends will want to celebrate with you. A party at home is a great way to do it and after the year we've all had you will find people will be dying for a change to have some fun.

I know its not the same as a wedding day but you seem resigned to go ahead with date as planned so why organise something else for later in the summer?

Yes had considered this but there wouldn’t be room for marquee! Also house is only temporary so don’t really want people seeing it. That and insurance, decent caterers and the clean up afterwards put me off. Would be very messy I’d say. Definitely easier to stick with a venue.

Sorry if I seem like I am knocking everyone’s ideas but in reality lots won’t work for us. I’ve probably considered every possible scenario at this stage as my mind is in over drive from it all.

Teach30 · 16-05-2021 1:06pm

woodchuck wrote: »

Teach30, you're obviously not happy about going ahead with the wedding. Have you had a proper conversation with your fiance about this? I really don't see why you can't postpone, given how miserable you are about the situation. I know there are no guarantees with the pandemic, but even postponing by a couple of months is very likely to give you a day that you'll enjoy much more and not regret in the future. Things are finally starting to look more hopeful with the vaccine rollout and while I'm sure restrictions will remain for some time, things should start feeling more normal.

You say you don't want to wait any longer to live together - so don't. You don't have to be married to live together. I know it's not your ideal scenario, but surely it's worth giving serious consideration in light of everything that's going on.

You say you won't get another weekend date with your venue this year, but you do have options there too:
- Switch venues to one with weekend availability this year. I know it means losing a chunk of money, but I'm betting it would be worth it.
- Stick with your original venue and postpone to next year. Move in together in the meantime and focus on setting up your home for now.
- Switch to a weekday this year with your venue and your teacher friends should still be able to make it to the dinner and evening celebrations.

I know postponing isn't for everyone, but it seems that most people who don't postpone come to terms with it all and start looking forward to the wedding again. You just sound so sad about it though

Great suggestions and after this weekend I am slowly coming to terms with how it will be. We considered moving venue but v difficult to find one with decent food and is nice and not too far away from church. Also losing 3.5k deposit isn’t really an option. I know we could move in together but it’s a complicated family situation which I won’t get into here but being treated fairly plays a part, I’m looking at the bigger picture now after the weekend and thinking about it and prob worth more to me in the long term to just get married and not have a party.

Your dead right there are no guarantees with this pandemic so we could still be in exact same situation in 2 or even 12 months and I’d spend the next while completely overthinking it all as I have been doing and not being able to concentrate on anything. Mentally I’ve certainly suffered and this has been reflected in my work too and I feel I’m not as good at it as I used to be. It wouldn’t be right to keep carrying on like I have so for sake of work alone I should probably get over it all now and get on with it.

That you for taking the time to reply.

redheadcork · 16-05-2021 2:42pm

Teach 30, I hope whatever you decide to do, you will be at peace with it and will enjoy the day.

2021 Bride/Groom

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