The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

wiger toods · 22-02-2011 10:03pm

how do you make 5lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it!:pac:

Bassboxxx · 22-02-2011 10:29pm

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She
was afraid she might have something wrong with her
so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the
well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she
was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass
to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she
was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, n"OK, now craw
reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang
shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat is why you not haf sex or dates.

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary
Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like
your ass."

reddevilfan · 23-02-2011 12:37am

Its been a tough year:

If i wake up and head to work and Find I've got 200 euro in one pocket and 25 in the other, What do i have???

My wifes trousers on

Unpossible · 23-02-2011 12:38am

Condi wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Hey Arnie, are you going to go for the presidency now?"

Arnie: "No, I am only a naturalized US citizen and will only be eligible if there is a change in the law"

Hootanany · 23-02-2011 1:54am

Hey Wenger if you think Wembley's pitch is bad you should try the lower leagues.
I play for our local team and we recently played a cup match against a team whose pitch was made out of broken-up bricks.

Fortunately we won on aggregate.

Agonist · 23-02-2011 3:34am

A midget walked into a lesbian bar. He got a box in the face and a clit around the ear.

A_Border_Bandit · 23-02-2011 3:54am

Why didn't the man fit in the lift?
Because he had a canoe on his head.

bernardo mac · 23-02-2011 4:23am

Two Welsh ladies having a chat. Bronwen: Did you hear the news Gwenith about Meghan Jones? Gwenith: No,what is it? Bronwen: She's getting married next month! Gwenith: That's nice Bronwen...... When's the baby due? Bronwen: Oh there's no baby,Gwenith Gwenith: How swank!

lecker Hendl · 23-02-2011 4:57am

I suggested to my wife to try masturbating with fruit.

She went f**king bananas.

Balfie · 23-02-2011 9:12am

what do ya call a seesaw with a fat kid on the other end?

A catapult.

Fallschirmjager · 23-02-2011 9:19am

it helps to have a leather glove for this joke....

did you hear the joke about the gestapo agent?

no

[SCREAMING in ze german accent and slapping across face with leather glove] LIAR!!!!

of course as always it better to be pissed telling that joke...

sbsquarepants · 23-02-2011 11:24am

An oldie, but a goodie....best ever, eh probably not....

Mickey Mouse and Minny Mouse are in court, mickey wants a divorce..

Judge: I'm sorry Mr Mouse but you simply can not divorce your wife on the grounds that she has buck teeth.

Mickey: No your honour, i didn't say she had buck teeth, i said she was fúcking Goofy!:D

CorsetIsTight · 23-02-2011 11:30am

What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password...?

1forrest1

I know it's stupid, but I laughed and laughed and laughed

:o:o

problemchimp · 23-02-2011 11:35am

Are sick jokes allowed?

--Kaiser-- · 23-02-2011 12:06pm

problemchimp wrote: »

Are sick jokes allowed?

I called in sick to work today.
My boss asked "How sick are you?"
I replied "I'm in bed with my sister"

this is arse · 23-02-2011 12:32pm

what do you call it when someone in a gay bar farts?

A Lovecall

rednik · 23-02-2011 12:36pm

Did you hear about the gay cowboys?

"Yup"

"Yep"

Sam Vimes · 23-02-2011 12:51pm

Queen-Mise wrote: »

please dont use spoilers for those of us on phones. Thanks

If you click quote on the post you can read the spoilers

neil_hosey · 23-02-2011 1:01pm

whats the loudest thing in the world?

a skeleton in a biscuit tin

havin a ****!

:pac:

problemchimp · 23-02-2011 1:42pm

How do you know when tour sister's having her period?
You can taste the blood on your Dads cock!

bobblepuzzle · 23-02-2011 1:52pm

...one says to the other, how do you drive this thing?

chin_grin · 23-02-2011 1:54pm

............................................________
....................................,.-'"...................``~.,
.............................,.-"..................................."-.,
.........................,/...............................................":,
.....................,?......................................................\,
.................../...........................................................,}
................./......................................................,:`^`..}
.............../...................................................,:"........./
..............?.....__.........................................:`.........../
............./__.(....."~-,_..............................,:`........../
.........../(_...."~,_........"~,_....................,:`........_/
..........{.._$;_......"=,_......."-,_.......,.-~-,},.~";/....}
...........((.....*~_......."=-._......";,,./`..../"............../
...,,,___.\`~,......"~.,....................`.....}............../
............(....`=-,,.......`........................(......;_,,-"
............/.`~,......`-...............................\....../\
.............\`~.*-,.....................................|,./.....\,__
,,_..........}.>-._\...................................|..............`=~-,
.....`=~-,_\_......`\,.................................\
...................`=~-,,.\,...............................\
................................`:,,...........................`\..............__
.....................................`=-,...................,%`>--==``
........................................_\..........._,-%.......`\
...................................,<`.._|_,-&``................`

Cookie_Monster · 23-02-2011 1:54pm

Fish can't talk, silly :rolleyes:

Penn · 23-02-2011 1:55pm

Then the other replies, "I don't know. I'm like a fish out of water"

Then they die.

flyton5 · 23-02-2011 1:56pm

Hahahahahaha. Where's the beef...

mikom · 23-02-2011 1:58pm

bobblepuzzle wrote: »

Two fish in a tank......one says to the other, how do you drive this thing?

The other one replies.... Leave me alone I'm **** over some prawn.

danniemcq · 23-02-2011 1:58pm

I took my goldfish to the vet saying I thought it was epileptic. The vet said it looked grand and I had to agree but when I take him out for its walk...

Gran Hermano · 23-02-2011 2:01pm

Did you hear about the iphone user in after hours?

They were unable to read the spoiler tags

blacktalons · 23-02-2011 2:03pm

how do you save a drowning priest?
throw him a boy.....:pac:

Wolf Club · 23-02-2011 2:14pm

Why don't they watch The Simpsons in Afghanistan?

'Cos there's a tellyban

Gran Hermano · 23-02-2011 2:14pm

Sylvester Stallone, please sort your mum out.

She's gone mental again and is on TV proclaiming to be the ruler of Libya

Galway K9 · 23-02-2011 2:15pm

If it tastes like trout take it out,
if it tastes like chicken...keep on lickin!

smokedeels · 23-02-2011 2:17pm

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots-eat-em-all

chillywilly · 23-02-2011 2:18pm

smokedeels wrote: »

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrots-eat-em-all

I like

hondasam · 23-02-2011 3:43pm

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

Hootanany · 23-02-2011 5:14pm

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.
Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you!'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing!' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another! All the drinks you like.. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid! All on the house!'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me self, personally, no!' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister

Gran Hermano · 23-02-2011 7:40pm

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you bloody idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

Logfire · 23-02-2011 7:45pm

An old man, accompanied by his wife, attends the doctor for a check up.
The doctor decides to do a fairly thorough examination of the old man and tells him that he needs to get a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for tests.
The old man is a bit deaf and asks his wife what the doctor said.

She replies;

"Just give him your underpants!"

hondasam · 23-02-2011 7:55pm

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

Galway K9 · 23-02-2011 10:11pm

Whats the difference between a Dublin Northsider and batman?

Batman can go shopping without robin!:D

Galway K9 · 23-02-2011 10:33pm

Homer: "And he only comes out at night...Just like ERKELL!!!!

Dolph Starbeam · 23-02-2011 10:48pm

'John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man.

"I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." '

Dolph Starbeam · 23-02-2011 10:51pm

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

Galway K9 · 23-02-2011 11:06pm

Mark! wrote: »

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

Took a min to click it but unreal:D

CarrickMcJoe · 24-02-2011 9:01pm

A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought u only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea".

groovie · 24-02-2011 10:04pm

Mary and her neighbour are at the front wall having a chat.
Mary's husband, who was away in the army, rounds the corner with a big smile on his face and a bunch of flowers in his hand.
'Here we go' says Mary, I'll be spending the next week on my back with my legs in the air.

Have you no vase, her neighbour asks.

losthorizon · 24-02-2011 10:11pm

Ive got a sponge front door!

Hey.. dont knock it.

groovie · 24-02-2011 10:15pm

Man in a railway station:
"I'd like a return ticket please"
"Certainly Sir, to where"?
"Here, of course".

Dwellingdweller · 24-02-2011 10:25pm

jimbobyrne wrote: »

whats the difference betwwen a ****** and a bucket of ****?
the bucket

is the censored word 'banker' by any chance? :P

seafood dunleavy · 24-02-2011 10:49pm

A man with a speech impediment goes into town to do some messages.He goes to a shop to buy a clock.
"Can i have a cock please?"
"You mean a clock?"
"Yes"
He then goes in to another shop to buy a bucket.
"Can i have a fckukit please?"
"You mean a bucket?"
So he buys the bucket and then goes to the bakery to buy a bun.
"Can i have a bum please?"
"You mean a bun?"
"Yes".
So on the way home he meets a man who asks him the time.He replies:
"Hold my bum and fcukit while I take out my cock".

Remember this one from primary school

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments