Do men bother approaching women anymore?

Jim Bob Scratcher · 29-05-2017 9:06am

Bobby Girth wrote: »

If you think a woman is needlessly rude just move on, don't overlool the fact tgat something you could be doing is causing these reactions.

Are you circling the venue like a shark, staring at every woman that walks by?

Heck no, but a lot of times I do approach a woman when her mates are around which is probably my downfall, jealously I guess.

ChikiChiki · 29-05-2017 9:09am

I have not read the thread but personally I'm more likely to approach someone when they are own their own. I find most women in a group of friends will automatically label you as a creep and it really can destroy confidence. They'll never say it to your face but you can see it in the whispers and sniggers.

It would be different if the same person was on their own. They're too worried what the friends will think I suppose.

Beta Ray Bill · 29-05-2017 9:09am

A lot of single lads I know have absolutely no intention of ever having a woman in their lives.

Seems to be a growing trend mind you.

They all use to Tinder to meet women for sex, but never in a million years would they approach a woman in a bar/club.

They explain to me that the whole idea is to have all the positives and non of the negatives of having a woman in your life.

Wouldn't be for me now...

Jim Bob Scratcher · 29-05-2017 9:12am

Bobby Girth wrote: »

Talk to her friends as well, I wouldn't just zone in on the one girl, they can feel under pressure if you only talk to them when their friends are there. I would also say that you need to get back to your friends in minute. More pressure taken off so she can relax and be more comfortable talking to you.

Fook that, it's difficult enough going up talking to one woman let alone half a dozen of them :pac:

wakka12 · 29-05-2017 9:15am

I Haven't noticed much difference in men approaching women at clubs

Gravelly · 29-05-2017 9:26am

I'm in my 40's (well in my 40's!) and I feel sorry for the current generation in terms of meeting people on a night out. I met my wife on a night out, as did the vast majority of my friends (met their wives / husbands I mean, not mine!). From speaking to my kids, their friends, and younger work colleagues, approaching someone on a night out now seems akin to crossing no-mans-land and hoping the enemy doesn't shoot you down before you can offer terms. When I first heard of Tinder I thought it was a great idea, but the more I hear about it, the more I realise how impersonal, and, to be honest, tacky, it seems. I doubt there will be many long-term relationships out of it. Maybe I'm looking back with rose-tinted glasses, but back in the day, things seemed a lot simpler - most people went out to have a good time and find a partner, with none of the "gender roles" nonsense that young people have to deal with now. And yes, I do realise I sound a bit like Grandpa Simpson.

Widdershins · 29-05-2017 9:27am

grahambo wrote: »

A lot of single lads I know have absolutely no intention of ever having a woman in their lives.

Seems to be a growing trend mind you.

They all use to Tinder to meet women for sex, but never in a million years would they approach a woman in a bar/club.

They explain to me that the whole idea is to have all the positives and non of the negatives of having a woman in your life.

Wouldn't be for me now...

Is friendship not a big part of a relationship anymore? It's not like platonic friendship, but I'm half asleep and don't have the words for it.

I'm curious about the airbrushed social media photos. Is this common and to what extent do people alter their pictures? I often put a decorative theme on mine, but they do nothing to alter my appearance.

Wibbs · 29-05-2017 9:30am

grahambo wrote: »

A lot of single lads I know have absolutely no intention of ever having a woman in their lives.

Seems to be a growing trend mind you.

They all use to Tinder to meet women for sex, but never in a million years would they approach a woman in a bar/club.

They explain to me that the whole idea is to have all the positives and non of the negatives of having a woman in your life.

If someone is the kind of guy who does well on tinder then I can see the logic of it TBH. Especially for a young lad. Why buy a book when you can join a library sorta thing.

That's OK for guys whose personalities and looks work with tinder or casual hookup culture. The guys who don't - and they would be the majority IMH and IME - they're kinda left out. I've known a fair few men to "settle" with the wrong person* because they thought they got "lucky" with her and had the fear that if she left they'd never be "lucky" again and they'd be alone. That's pretty common.

*women can settle too, but I'm just running off the male angle here.

Mr.Plough · 29-05-2017 9:34am

At a bar/club/gig, yes I would a good bit. Provided your not being a d1ck or a sleaze about it, whether she's into you or not she'll respect your balls and be flattered by the attention. If they reject you in a mean way you dodged a bullet.

Then again sometimes the friends I'm with I havn't seen in a while or I've been waiting for the gig so pulling falls down the nights list of priorities.

Also, the less time I spend with Pamela and her 5 sisters the more I'll approach actual women.

Tinder? It's grand for when you're not leaving the house, always find it weird chatting someone up without being able to use tone of voice though.

Mr.Plough · 29-05-2017 9:36am

Wibbs wrote: »

I've known a fair few men to "settle" with the wrong person* because they thought they got "lucky" with her and had the fear that if she left they'd never be "lucky" again and they'd be alone. That's pretty common.

Very common, and they seem to get less happy with age.

Wibbs · 29-05-2017 9:36am

Gravelly wrote: »

Maybe I'm looking back with rose-tinted glasses, but back in the day, things seemed a lot simpler

I hate nostalgia with a bloody passion, but I'd kinda agree with you G. There was more innocence to the whole thing for the real want of a better word. It felt less artificial. We hadn't yet imported the American dating culture for a start, which has a tendency to make such things more transactional. In both hookups and even moreso in looking for actual relationships. The whole "date" thing leaves me cold, but I have been on a few and too often it felt like a bloody interview.

Wibbs · 29-05-2017 9:38am

Mr.Plough wrote: »

Very common, and they seem to get less happy with age.

It goes for both too. The women in such setups aren't too happy either. The mismatch is just as bad for them. For every "henpecked husband" there is a wife who hates having to do the pecking.

ChikiChiki · 29-05-2017 9:47am

Bobby Girth wrote: »

Don't act creepy then .

When you approach is your priority impressing women or having your own fun?

Just approaching human beings for a bit of conversation to be honest.

Widdershins · 29-05-2017 9:54am

Wibbs wrote: »

I hate nostalgia with a bloody passion, but I'd kinda agree with you G. There was more innocence to the whole thing for the real want of a better word. It felt less artificial. We hadn't yet imported the American dating culture for a start, which has a tendency to make such things more transactional. In both hookups and even moreso in looking for actual relationships. The whole "date" thing leaves me cold, but I have been on a few and too often it felt like a bloody interview.

Wild horses wouldn't drag me on a date. Horrible things. It's the same formula every time, and you get a certain amount of time to impress the other person, who compares you to last Friday's candidate, and who woll be doing the same thing this weekend with some other prospective person.. it is an interview

So far all of my partners have been sort of friendly acquaintances first, and the getting to know each other bit was done before the idea of dating took shape.

Sciprio · 29-05-2017 9:54am

I personally wouldn't approach on a night out. If i got talking to someone by just a random talk at the pub then fair enough. Other than that i don't go out of my way to try and approach much, and that's not me trying to hook up with someone, it's simply i just don't really care. I am and never was lonely by being by myself. I'd love a woman approach me when i'm out yes. I know they'd think the same think of guys waiting but there you go!

I have been on quite a few online dates and met some very nice women and good times but nothing progressed more than a few dates and petered out. Now, I'm still single and happy but have taken a break from the online dating as it can get repetitive at times but shall give it a go some time in the future again. I'm not sad or anything as i feel pretty good!:P

Widdershins · 29-05-2017 9:55am

ChikiChiki wrote: »

Just approaching human beings for a bit of conversation to be honest.

Keep doing that

Ubbquittious · 29-05-2017 9:56am

Wibbs wrote: »

If someone is the kind of guy who does well on tinder then I can see the logic of it TBH. Especially for a young lad. Why buy a book when you can join a library sorta thing.

That's OK for guys whose personalities and looks work with tinder or casual hookup culture. The guys who don't - and they would be the majority IMH and IME - they're kinda left out. I've known a fair few men to "settle" with the wrong person* because they thought they got "lucky" with her and had the fear that if she left they'd never be "lucky" again and they'd be alone. That's pretty common.

*women can settle too, but I'm just running off the male angle here.

There is a type of lad who does well on tinder? Is that just an extremely good looking guy or is there more to it?

I was on it years ago and found it the greatest waste of time with the abundance of girls who would chat endlessly but disappear once meeting up was mentioned.

Mr.H · 29-05-2017 10:04am

pilly wrote:

I think irish men lack balls to be honest.

Problem is that most women will label then creeps or weirdos. Women by in large wanted to be left alone and now start complaining that we are doing so.

BetsyEllen · 29-05-2017 10:14am

I would love a guy to approach me on a night out!

The last time someone did, I was recently single and a bit down in the dumps.
He came over and offered to buy me a drink and I politely declined.
And it's never happened since!

I hate PoF and Tinder, it's so impersonal...
It's lovely to see someone in a bar, get chatting, have a drink together, have a laugh over the night, exchange numbers. Then waiting for a text or something the next day - it's all part of the fun.

Tinder takes all of that away

Mr.H · 29-05-2017 10:15am

Samaris wrote:

Actually, from my own experience, and just to introduce another way women might react - I always reacted better if someone approached me in conversation rather than a "you up for a shift" way. I never appreciated just being a mark on a scorecard. Who would?

Do you not think women mark guys on a scorecard also?

The whole scorecard thing started with he likes of facebook FFS. Now it is still happening with tinder. Women have always scored guys on the scale of creep to hot. If a hot guy approaches then great but if a not hot guy apprised he is a creep.

By very nature we as humans rate each other. He woke childish immature rating where you mock that person is unacceptable but not exclusive to either gender.

I for one am delighted I don't have to deal with that crap anymore.

CruelCoin · 29-05-2017 10:18am

Knex. wrote: »

What? You know the way you talk to lads? Just do that.

But if you both know that the only reason they walked up to you is because the thought on their mind there and then is "i want to put my cock inside her", how do you get over the awkwardness of that?
Nobody thinks "wow, she has a great personality" from halfway across a room.

thisistough · 29-05-2017 10:19am

Wibbs wrote: »

We hadn't yet imported the American dating culture for a start, which has a tendency to make such things more transactional. In both hookups and even moreso in looking for actual relationships. The whole "date" thing leaves me cold, but I have been on a few and too often it felt like a bloody interview.

Without turning this into a history lesson - how did it work before dating?

29-05-2017 10:25am

thisistough wrote: »

Without turning this into a history lesson - how did it work before dating?

Ya tended not to have several people "on the go" at once basically. The dating thing seems to just be a run-through until (for some people) someone "ticks the boxes".

annascott · 29-05-2017 10:26am

Seemingly gone are the days when a barman would bring over a bottle of wine/round of drinks from the gentleman in the corner...
Slightly off topic but does Tinder work everywhere here or is it just Dublin.
Also, is it possible to go on to Tinder and see who is there without putting my own details up?

Ubbquittious · 29-05-2017 10:26am

I wonder are there any parallels to be drawn between this and Calhoun's mouse experiments

Population seems to be leveling off and you could argue that people have it too good as the man says. It's perfectly feasible to withdraw from social interaction almost completely in today's modern society. Be it sitting on the dole long-term or doing your 8 hours a day behind the desk while putting on the professional face. You can do your shopping online or from a machine and even though you need to pay for the food you're living better than a King in the 1700's so the modern consumerist lifestyle doesn't really represent a challenging environment for human beings.

Jim Bob Scratcher · 29-05-2017 10:31am

Ubbquittious wrote: »

I wonder are there any parallels to be drawn between this and Calhoun's mouse experiments

Population seems to be leveling off and you could argue that people have it too good as the man says. It's perfectly feasible to withdraw from social interaction almost completely in today's modern society. Be it sitting on the dole long-term or doing your 8 hours a day behind the desk while putting on the professional face. You can do your shopping online or from a machine and even though you need to pay for the food you're living better than a King in the 1700's so the modern consumerist lifestyle doesn't really represent a challenging environment for human beings.

I think we will have to wait for sexbots

Hector Savage · 29-05-2017 10:33am

Tinder, other dating apps etc ... also the MGTOW crowd are growing it seems.

Rekop dog · 29-05-2017 10:35am

annascott wrote: »

Seemingly gone are the days when a barman would bring over a bottle of wine/round of drinks from the gentleman in the corner...
Slightly off topic but does Tinder work everywhere here or is it just Dublin.

Always found that one extra creepy. To buy a girl a drink before you've even said hello is weird. And terrible game on his part.

BetsyEllen · 29-05-2017 10:36am

Rekop dog wrote: »

Always found that one extra creepy. To buy a girl a drink before you've even said hello is weird. And terrible game on his part.

Yeah I would be a bit put off if a guy just sent a drink over. It looks extremely rude to send it back and creates an embarrassing/awkward situation.

I'd rather a guy ask me if I'd like a drink - at least then I can say no if I want to.

Ubbquittious · 29-05-2017 10:38am

Jim Bob Scratcher wrote: »

I think we will have to wait for sexbots

If those ever come to be the population will crash through the floor altogether, and I suppose some environmentalist types will rejoyce.

What a depressing lifestyle though. Lads would be sitting in their apartments eating bag after bag of Doritos, using some app to order a sexbot to take care of the pesky physiological needs and not seeing anyone from one day to the next.

I think things have already gone that way in technologically advanced Japan

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex

wakka12 · 29-05-2017 10:41am

Ubbquittious wrote: »

If those ever come to be the population will crash through the floor altogether, and I suppose some environmentalist types will rejoyce.

What a depressing lifestyle though. Lads would be sitting in their apartments eating bag after bag of Doritos, using some app to order a sexbot to take care of the pesky physiological needs and not seeing anyone from one day to the next.

I think things have already gone that way in technologically advanced Japan

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex

I disagree. Most humans would still value a real human interaction that a robot wont be able to provide for quite a long time I would say

silverharp · 29-05-2017 10:42am

Deleted User wrote: »

Ya tended not to have several people "on the go" at once basically. The dating thing seems to just be a run-through until (for some people) someone "ticks the boxes".

good way of putting it. "back in my day" you would pursue a girl, ask her out, it either clicked or it didn't and if it did you were bf/gf after a couple of "dates"

Jim Bob Scratcher · 29-05-2017 10:44am

Ubbquittious wrote: »

If those ever come to be the population will crash through the floor altogether, and I suppose some environmentalist types will rejoyce.

What a depressing lifestyle though. Lads would be sitting in their apartments eating bag after bag of Doritos, using some app to order a sexbot to take care of the pesky physiological needs and not seeing anyone from one day to the next.

I think things have already gone that way in technologically advanced Japan

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex

Or we could still use our hands, they work well ?

Recission sex :pac:

Knex* · 29-05-2017 10:45am

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I would love a guy to approach me on a night out!

The last time someone did, I was recently single and a bit down in the dumps.
He came over and offered to buy me a drink and I politely declined.
And it's never happened since!

So you want a guy to approach you so that you can (politely) reject him? :pac:

Pac1Man · 29-05-2017 10:47am

wakka12 wrote: »

I disagree. Most humans would still value a real human interaction that a robot wont be able to provide for quite a long time I would say

Plus, where's the romance?

Imagine trying to tell it what to do.

Left hand 120mm north, now south. North again.

Be like commanding a battleship.

CruelCoin · 29-05-2017 10:48am

annascott wrote: »

Seemingly gone are the days when a barman would bring over a bottle of wine/round of drinks from the gentleman in the corner...
Slightly off topic but does Tinder work everywhere here or is it just Dublin.
Also, is it possible to go on to Tinder and see who is there without putting my own details up?

Gone are the days of city bars with fewer than a million people rammed into them.
The only places not like this are the trendy hipster, fedora ****ing places that don't really have the "the gentleman invites you to join him" vibe.

Jim Bob Scratcher · 29-05-2017 10:48am

Pac1Man wrote: »

Plus, where's the romance?

Imagine trying to tell it what to do.

Left hand 120mm north, now south. North again.

Be like commanding a battleship.

The upkeep wouldn't cost as much as the real thing though, something to consider.

silverharp · 29-05-2017 10:50am

Pac1Man wrote: »

Plus, where's the romance?

Imagine trying to tell it what to do.

Left hand 120mm north, now south. North again.

Be like commanding a battleship.

your math would need to be good, put a minus or a decimal point in the wrong place and its off to emergency :pac:

suicide_circus · 29-05-2017 10:51am

I do it all the time but my wife gives me the silent treatment the rest of the night.

tomwaterford · 29-05-2017 10:57am

I dont really approach.....but i usually end up talking shte/having a laugh when im drunk with somebodies....

kinda just happens....tbh id not want to be interupting anyones night (alot of people get few enough of these) by approaching them....but do still end up talking shte with someone.....

But id talk to the wall when im drunk and in the mood for it (talking that is :pac: )

Ubbquittious · 29-05-2017 11:04am

wakka12 wrote: »

I disagree. Most humans would still value a real human interaction that a robot wont be able to provide for quite a long time I would say

The writing's on the wall though. I don't think the robot has to be particularly good or need to exist at all. It's when people don't need to bother with those around them that they stop bothering and soon they lose the ability to bother.

Rekop dog · 29-05-2017 11:07am

Ubbquittious wrote: »

The writing's on the wall though. I don't think the robot has to be particularly good or need to exist at all. It's when people don't need to bother with those around them that they stop bothering and soon they lose the ability to bother.

There's always been hopeless cases. But for the majority the need for human interaction/affection will always be there.

Jobs OXO · 29-05-2017 11:08am

pilly wrote: »

We had a coffee and a chat for about an hour, it was great.

Did you let him give you an aul lash of his sex stick? All a bit pointless if not

silverharp · 29-05-2017 11:10am

Ubbquittious wrote: »

The writing's on the wall though. I don't think the robot has to be particularly good or need to exist at all. It's when people don't need to bother with those around them that they stop bothering and soon they lose the ability to bother.

Japan might be worth looking at unless its a unique cultural thing, there are large numbers of Japanese men in particular who have not dated or had sex by their 30's . the bargain seems to be women will date the men if the have die at their desk job like their dads and the lads are saying, fck it its not worth it and they have their weird anime sh1t to keep the going.

Outlaw Pete · 29-05-2017 11:16am

bmwguy wrote: »

I was on a night out Friday and a lady told me to F OFF when I tried to talk to her. Wasn't even trying to pull or anything. Those were the words she used.

Seen it a million times, no idea how anyone can think that crap doesn't go on. I guess it's a bit like guys who have never groped a woman, nor have they ever witnessed it and therefore think well the incidences of it must be beng exaggerated... but that doesn't mean they're right. Well, same goes for this kind of rude crap. I think some people need to realize that just because they themselves are not like that, nor have they witnessed much of it themselves, this also doesn't mean that's it's not something that goes on. As Billy Connolly used to say: the Queen thinks the world smells like fresh paint and so she must. We can only experience our own and believe others when they recant the things they experience in theirs.

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

Why do they want to create situations where men are afraid even to look at women for fear of being labeled a sexual offender?

It's got to that stage for a lot of guys for sure.... I think it's rammed down guys throats so much these days that women want to do things in peace and they don't want some man thinking they need his validation, or just because a woman is at a bar doesn't mean she wants to meet someone etc. Guys just don't know what to be doing around girls I think, unless that is they are girls they already know in some way, a group from school or where they grew up, but beyond that I think there's a reluctance just in case the girl won't be at all interested and how they might make that known.

A few adverts have made fun of that reluctance on the part of men such as the following which I thought was funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOLoBRv1LY4

wakka12 · 29-05-2017 11:29am

silverharp wrote: »

Japan might be worth looking at unless its a unique cultural thing, there are large numbers of Japanese men in particular who have not dated or had sex by their 30's . the bargain seems to be women will date the men if the have die at their desk job like their dads and the lads are saying, fck it its not worth it and they have their weird anime sh1t to keep the going.

Of course its a unique cultural thing? Pretty sure thats not happening anywhere outside east asia!

Pac1Man · 29-05-2017 11:36am

wakka12 wrote: »

Of course its a unique cultural thing? Pretty sure thats not happening anywhere outside east asia!

Gasp!

*Slowly deflates 12 foot sex doll resembling an oriental Dame Shirley Bassey*

silverharp · 29-05-2017 11:37am

wakka12 wrote: »

Of course its a unique cultural thing? Pretty sure thats not happening anywhere outside east asia!

it depends , it could be exaggerated there but you might see a lite version of it elsewhere or they might be ahead of the curve. Its on the back of high property prices, high cost of living and not great economic prospects.

Knex* · 29-05-2017 11:50am

silverharp wrote: »

it depends , it could be exaggerated there but you might see a lite version of it elsewhere or they might be ahead of the curve. Its on the back of high property prices, high cost of living and not great economic prospects.

I do wonder if the apparent dampening of sexuality in progressive cultures, the blurred genitals thing in their porn and all of the stuff along those lines end up portraying something that should be instinctive and natural, as anything but.

You couple that with the stuff you mentioned, and you can see how how hesitancy, apprehension, or a lack of desire could occur.

I'm wildly speculating here as well. I've been known to be a ****ing moron from time to time. Will have to actually have a proper think about it some day.

29-05-2017 11:52am

silverharp wrote: »

Japan might be worth looking at unless its a unique cultural thing, there are large numbers of Japanese men in particular who have not dated or had sex by their 30's . the bargain seems to be women will date the men if the have die at their desk job like their dads and the lads are saying, fck it its not worth it and they have their weird anime sh1t to keep the going.

And women don't want to marry because then they are under pressure to quit and stay home

Do men bother approaching women anymore?

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