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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #1892
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

    The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says Father forgive me for I have sinned.The priest asks what did you do?The woman says I committed adultery. Priest: asks how many times? The Woman replies. Three times father.The Priest:says to the lady say two Hail Mary's, put €5 in the box and go and sin no more.

    A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says Father forgive me for I have sinned. The Priest asks what did you do? The Man replies I committed adultery.The Priest: asks how many times? The man repliesThree times.The Priest: says to the man say two Hail Mary's put €5 in the box and go and sin no more.

    The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

    A few minutes later another woman enters and says Rabbi forgive me for I have sinned.The Rabbi asks what did you do? The woman replies I committed adultery Rabbi. How many times. The Woman replies once. Rabbi.

    The Rabbi then says go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for €5.


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    #1893
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

    When she arrived at the place, the man said Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up on your own.

    "Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.

    Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.

    At 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"

    At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"

    At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!

    Luckily she survived, what happened?" he exclaimed.

    "Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"


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    #1894
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users Posts: 7,506 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    Was taking a piss in the site toilets once. 2 out of 3 cubicles were in use, I was at the urinal.. out of nowhere one of the ****ers having a **** let's out a lung****er of a fart for about 6 seconds. Then nothing but silence.. until a few seconds later the other fella shouts to the next cubicle "fukcing hell, a bit more choke and that would of started"


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    #1895
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,788 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

    this must mean electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed.


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    #1896
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,788 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The pothole outside my house was so big it took six council workers to watch the guy who came to fix it.

    https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/7a/d1/3f7ad1a44193476c7a3063d2b74cef26.jpg


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    #1897
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A young naval student was being put through his paces by an old sea captain.

    What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard asked the captain?

    Throw out an anchor, sir, the student replied.

    What would you do if another storm sprang up after that?

    Throw out another anchor, sir.

    And if another horiffic storm sprang up after that one what would you do then? asked the captain.

    Throw out another anchor, the boy replied once again.

    Hold on, said the captain.Where are you getting all those anchors from?

    From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.


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    #1898
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,788 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. The first page says, “You’re not helping!”


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    #1899
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying.

    The man asks hat’s wrong?

    The woman says i've never been hugged before. So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.

    The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again.

    The man says what’s wrong, now?

    The woman says “I’ve never been kissed before. So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.

    The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says “Oh, for Christ’s sake! What’s wrong, this time?

    The woman says well, I’ve never been fu*ked before.

    So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells your'e fu*cked.


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    #1900
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,350 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

    this must mean electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed.

    Frosty the Snowman can be defrosted, Santa Claus can be slayed, Superman can be de-cape-itated, the weatherman can be confronted, the dentist defanged, the call girl recalled, nuns could be out of their habits, Batman and Robin could be on the wane, in a manor of speaking ... and the news reader on TV could be muted.

    The water meter reader could be dehydrated too. And the comedian could be joked to death. Putin might be de-Stalinated.


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    #1901
    thesandeman
    Registered Users Posts: 9,953 ✭✭✭thesandeman


    M.T. Cranium wrote: »
    Frosty the Snowman can be defrosted, Santa Claus can be slayed, Superman can be de-cape-itated, the weatherman can be confronted, the dentist defanged, the call girl recalled, nuns could be out of their habits, Batman and Robin could be on the wane, in a manor of speaking ... and the news reader on TV could be muted.

    The water meter reader could be dehydrated too. And the comedian could be joked to death. Putin might be de-Stalinated.

    You could be brain dead.
















    Note to mods: Check username before you decide to ban me!


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    #1902
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,350 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Looking back over 127 pages, I don't think you can get banned on this thread.


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    #1903
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    M.T. Cranium wrote: »
    Looking back over 127 pages, I don't think you can get banned on this thread.
    I did'nt know that. :D


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    #1904
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside

    GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.

    An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

    Lawyer: I have lost my sense of taste.

    Chinese Doctor Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.

    Lawyer: Ugh. this is kerosene.

    Chinese Doctor congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.

    The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

    Lawyer: I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.

    Chinese Doctor Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.

    Lawyer (annoyed): This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.

    Chinese Doctor congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.

    The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

    Lawyer: My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.

    Chinese: Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.

    Lawyer staring at the note says but this is $20, not $100.

    Chinese Doctor conongrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.


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    #1905
    Edward M
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭Edward M


    I accidentally crashed into the back of her car.
    She got out, I thought omg, what a stunningly beautiful blonde leggy woman.
    She said, ram me up the arse why don't you!
    And that is where the confusion began your honour.


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    #1906
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

    It’s all about raisin awareness.


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    #1907
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town with his dummy on his knee,

    He starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

    'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?

    What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

    It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

    Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb.

    You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor.

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,

    You stay out of this.

    I'm talking to that little s*it on your lap.


  • Options
    #1908
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

    That should make the cremation a little more interesting.


    What currency do they use in outer space?

    Starbucks.


    What did one bone say to another bone?

    Let’s meet up and share a joint.


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    #1909
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,788 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.


  • Options
    #1910
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,788 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How many Brexiters do you need to change a lightbulb?

    One to promise a bright future and the rest to screw it all up.


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    #1911
    MY BAD
    Registered Users Posts: 1,178 ✭✭✭MY BAD


    natashaob6 wrote: »
    .


    What did one bone say to another bone?

    Let’s meet up and share a joint.
    I was in the orthopedics ward in the hospital this evening and told that one to a nurse. She bust her hole laughing at it :)


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    #1912
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    A man goes into a bar and orders ten times more drinks than anyone else.
    The barman says "now that's an order of magnitude!"


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    #1913
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Paddy takes two stuffed dogs on to the Antique Roadshow.

    "Ohh," said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century.

    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

    "Sticks!" Paddy replied.


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    #1914
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Mellow Yellow 26.2 wrote: »
    I was in the orthopedics ward in the hospital this evening and told that one to a nurse. She bust her hole laughing at it :)

    Did you have a boner when you told the nurse that joke.


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    #1915
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door.

    He says wow, it's dark here.

    There's a man with a woman in bed in the room.

    The man says to the boy what do you want?

    Here's a pound now leave us alone.

    A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says wow, it's dark here.

    Not you again says the man here, take this and go buy yourself something nice.

    The boy goes out with 2 pounds.

    The following morning, the boy feels guilty, and tells his mother what happened.

    That's not right son you should go to the church, and confess yourself.

    So there he goes.

    Entering the booth, he says:

    Wow, it's dark here.

    To which the priest says:

    Not you again, are you following me around?


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    #1916
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A husband drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

    After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

    She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

    She says i want you to see this.

    She puts a worm in the water it swims around.

    She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

    She says so what do you have to say about this experiment?

    The huspand replies if I drink whiskey I won't get worms.


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    #1917
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,566 ✭✭✭patmac


    I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

    He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

    I said "Homers a fat fella and Marge has blue hair"


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    #1918
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    What game do you play with a wombat?



    Wom.


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    #1919
    yellowlabrador
    Registered Users Posts: 1,176 ✭✭✭yellowlabrador


    Deleted User wrote: »
    What game do you play with a wombat?



    Wom.
    talking of wombats... checkout #wombat on twitter today. You'll never mistake wombat droppings again


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    #1920
    castletownman
    Registered Users Posts: 11,054 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    What do cigarettes and Travellers have in common?

    They come in packs of 10 or 20 and are barred from every pub in the country.


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    #1921
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A little kid asks his father,

    Daddy, is God a man or a woman?

    Dad replies both son. God is both.

    After awhile the kid comes again and asks,

    Daddy, is God black or white?

    Dad replies both son, both.

    The little kid asks daddy, does God love children?

    Dad replies once again yes son, he loves all children.

    The child returns a few minutes later and asks.

    Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?


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