What's the etiquette here??

Lewis_Benson · 10-11-2019 11:37pm

Part two now...
This is different to earlier.....thick, sticky, smelly mudslide comes to.mind.

Hector Savage · 11-11-2019 9:57am

Just dropped a load of fudge that just kept coming and coming, like an ice cream dispenser, I thought it would reach my arse, lucky the bastard toppled over before...

Left the fent in there, not much people in the office this morning, so didn't bother with the spray ..

Sharp MZ700 · 11-11-2019 10:32am

Bad dose of the trots here in the south. High pressure on the sphincter bringing heavy scutterfall and high winds through the night and into the early morning. A few scattered brown hailstones up until midday and should peter out by mid afternoon.
Long term outlook will see prolonged spells of consistent midden right into Friday and the weekend when another high pressure moving in on the back end is expected.
That's the scuttery forecast here from the Porcelain Throne, good morning.

NeinNeinNein · 11-11-2019 11:17am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Bad dose of the trots here in the south. High pressure on the sphincter bringing heavy scutterfall and high winds through the night and into the early morning. A few scattered brown hailstones up until midday and should peter out by mid afternoon.
Long term outlook will see prolonged spells of consistent midden right into Friday and the weekend when another high pressure moving in on the back end is expected.
That's the scuttery forecast here from the Porcelain Throne, good morning.

My internal voice changed to Jean Byrne as I read that. Weird.

Omackeral · 11-11-2019 11:27am

It was June in the Summer of 1994, Ireland was in the middle of another famous World Cup campaign and blowing away the competition in the Eurovision Song Contest too. The weather was fantastic and there was just a decent atmosphere about the country in general. Anyway a young me was on an excursion to the Phoenix Park one fine afternoon accompanied by my friend and his mother. We had made our way back down Chesterfield Avenue after being in the playground for hours and from there went through the main park gates. After visiting the shop, we were each allowed to get an ice cream before taking the short journey home on a Dublin Bus. We chatted away on the lower deck and all was going great. We still had lots of our school holidays left and were making all sorts of wishful plans. As we passed through the village, the majority of passengers noticed a bit of a scene outside. Two guys were being arrested by the police while about 15 onlookers stood around in a semi circle. Was it a robbery gone wrong? Were they two guys fighting over a girl? Was it a road rage incident? As we wondered just what the heck was happening, I sneezed a bit too hard and shat my pants right there on the 39 bus in front of everyone.

KWAG2019 · 11-11-2019 11:46am

Omackeral wrote: »

It was June in the Summer of 1994, Ireland was in the middle of another famous World Cup campaign and blowing away the competition in the Eurovision Song Contest too. The weather was fantastic and there was just a decent atmosphere about the country in general. Anyway a young me was on an excursion to the Phoenix Park one fine afternoon accompanied by my friend and his mother. We had made our way back down Chesterfield Avenue after being in the playground for hours and from there went through the main park gates. After visiting the shop, we were each allowed to get an ice cream before taking the short journey home on a Dublin Bus. We chatted away on the lower deck and all was going great. We still had lots of our school holidays left and were making all sorts of wishful plans. As we passed through the village, the majority of passengers noticed a bit of a scene outside. Two guys were being arrested by the police while about 15 onlookers stood around in a semi circle. Was it a robbery gone wrong? Were they two guys fighting over a girl? Was it a road rage incident? As we wondered just what the heck was happening, I sneezed a bit too hard and shat my pants right there on the 39 bus in front of everyone.

This could be a wiring problem O.

gerrybbadd · 11-11-2019 12:12pm

Omackeral wrote: »

It was June in the Summer of 1994, Ireland was in the middle of another famous World Cup campaign and blowing away the competition in the Eurovision Song Contest too. The weather was fantastic and there was just a decent atmosphere about the country in general. Anyway a young me was on an excursion to the Phoenix Park one fine afternoon accompanied by my friend and his mother. We had made our way back down Chesterfield Avenue after being in the playground for hours and from there went through the main park gates. After visiting the shop, we were each allowed to get an ice cream before taking the short journey home on a Dublin Bus. We chatted away on the lower deck and all was going great. We still had lots of our school holidays left and were making all sorts of wishful plans. As we passed through the village, the majority of passengers noticed a bit of a scene outside. Two guys were being arrested by the police while about 15 onlookers stood around in a semi circle. Was it a robbery gone wrong? Were they two guys fighting over a girl? Was it a road rage incident? As we wondered just what the heck was happening, I sneezed a bit too hard and shat my pants right there on the 39 bus in front of everyone.

That old chestnut!

Reminds me of a time when I went to a mates birthday party. The plan was I'd stay a few nights as well.

He had a load of his mates there, people I hadn't met before. Having such fun with the music, food, sweets and general merriment, I tried my best to ignore the feeling of pressure that was building behind the balloon knot. Eventually something had to give way, and way it did give, straight into me jocks.

The others noticed the smell immediately, but I passed it off as a bit of a fart, with a chuckle. However, my mate who's party it was decided to run off and tell his father i had shít the jocks. I suppose it wouldn't have been too bad if i hadn't been staying with them for a few nights.

Anyhow, I continued to deny all. The party came to an end, my crack was chocked full with midden, and we had to go someplace in a car. They couldn't leave me behind so in i hopped, and stunk the place out. Eventually we got back, and the emabarrasment of having the father clean me up is something that sticks with me to this day.

Last 30th birthday party i'll ever go to

Nevin Parsnipp · 11-11-2019 2:43pm

Omackeral wrote: »

It was June in the Summer of 1994, Ireland was in the middle of another famous World Cup campaign and blowing away the competition in the Eurovision Song Contest too. The weather was fantastic and there was just a decent atmosphere about the country in general. Anyway a young me was on an excursion to the Phoenix Park one fine afternoon accompanied by my friend and his mother. We had made our way back down Chesterfield Avenue after being in the playground for hours and from there went through the main park gates. After visiting the shop, we were each allowed to get an ice cream before taking the short journey home on a Dublin Bus. We chatted away on the lower deck and all was going great. We still had lots of our school holidays left and were making all sorts of wishful plans. As we passed through the village, the majority of passengers noticed a bit of a scene outside. Two guys were being arrested by the police while about 15 onlookers stood around in a semi circle. Was it a robbery gone wrong? Were they two guys fighting over a girl? Was it a road rage incident? As we wondered just what the heck was happening, I sneezed a bit too hard and shat my pants right there on the 39 bus in front of everyone.

=================================================

Just a tip pal ...this makes it a lot easier to read ....

It was June in the Summer of 1994, Ireland was in the middle of another famous World Cup campaign and blowing away the competition in the Eurovision Song Contest too.

The weather was fantastic and there was just a decent atmosphere about the country in general. Anyway a young me was on an excursion to the Phoenix Park one fine afternoon accompanied by my friend and his mother. We had made our way back down Chesterfield Avenue after being in the playground for hours and from there went through the main park gates.

After visiting the shop, we were each allowed to get an ice cream before taking the short journey home on a Dublin Bus. We chatted away on the lower deck and all was going great. We still had lots of our school holidays left and were making all sorts of wishful plans.

As we passed through the village, the majority of passengers noticed a bit of a scene outside. Two guys were being arrested by the police while about 15 onlookers stood around in a semi circle.

Was it a robbery gone wrong? Were they two guys fighting over a girl? Was it a road rage incident?

As we wondered just what the heck was happening, I sneezed a bit too hard and shat my pants right there on the 39 bus in front of everyone.

NeinNeinNein · 11-11-2019 2:53pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

=================================================

Just a tip pal ...this makes it a lot easier to read ....

It was June in the Summer of 1994, Ireland was in the middle of another famous World Cup campaign and blowing away the competition in the Eurovision Song Contest too.

The weather was fantastic and there was just a decent atmosphere about the country in general. Anyway a young me was on an excursion to the Phoenix Park one fine afternoon accompanied by my friend and his mother. We had made our way back down Chesterfield Avenue after being in the playground for hours and from there went through the main park gates.

After visiting the shop, we were each allowed to get an ice cream before taking the short journey home on a Dublin Bus. We chatted away on the lower deck and all was going great. We still had lots of our school holidays left and were making all sorts of wishful plans.

As we passed through the village, the majority of passengers noticed a bit of a scene outside. Two guys were being arrested by the police while about 15 onlookers stood around in a semi circle.

Was it a robbery gone wrong? Were they two guys fighting over a girl? Was it a road rage incident?

As we wondered just what the heck was happening, I sneezed a bit too hard and shat my pants right there on the 39 bus in front of everyone.

Thought it was funnier the first time.

JohnnyFlash · 11-11-2019 2:58pm

Lot of very ‘bound up’ individuals here today.

Might I suggest a mug of castor oil, Andrews Liver Salts, mushed up prunes, and maxwell house coffee powder?

Andreas77 · 11-11-2019 3:16pm

Johnny you ever did the reverse cowgirl? I bet you enjoyed that.

Hector Savage · 11-11-2019 8:10pm

Been letting off really rotten thick silent farts over the last 2 days, can almost feel the texture of them.
Have a bang off vegetables of them, like cabbage that has been stewing in a pressure cooker all day and you open it - that kind of pong.
Allthough there is a good chance these things would strip the paint of the golden gate bridge, I find them strangely satisfying!

Haven't had farts like this since I was a kid - very nostalgic here.

partyguinness · 11-11-2019 8:57pm

Now, I know this is hardly a ground breaking observation and I know it's a Monday but there is definitely quite a few lads here that need to have a good long look at their diets. Some of the stuff here is just unnatural and would keep proctologist awake at night. It has gone from mild amusement to genuine concern.

I have cut out red and processed meats from my diets and most dairy and alcohol. Oh God...what have I become.

Anyways, I have noticed a significant improvement in my farts- no smells at all which is very disappointing in a lot of respects but I can now fart away in confidence knowing that I will not have to drum up the usual poker face blanket denial when in polite company.

A good few bouts colonic irrigation might be worth considering.

Omackeral · 11-11-2019 9:02pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

=================================================

Just a tip pal ...this makes it a lot easier to read ....

I wanted to convey how chaotically it all happened. There were no paragraphs on the day, just sudden brown thunder.

gerrybbadd · 11-11-2019 9:36pm

Omackeral wrote: »

I wanted to convey how chaotically it all happened. There were no paragraphs on the day, just sudden brown thunder.

Great name for a band.

Nevin Parsnipp · 12-11-2019 9:46am

Omackeral wrote: »

I wanted to convey how chaotically it all happened. There were no paragraphs on the day, just sudden brown thunder.

Ah ! Excellent,,,wall of dense text_____wall of dense sour midden.

A series of fleshy squirts might require paragraphs then ?

Good man...excellent post !

NeinNeinNein · 12-11-2019 10:41am

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Ah ! Excellent,,,wall of dense text_____wall of dense sour midden.

A series of fleshy squirts might require paragraphs then ?

Good man...excellent post !

Joyce and Beckett can rest peacefully, their legacy continues.

Sharp MZ700 · 12-11-2019 12:36pm

Didn't have Beckett down for a swan-neck soup analyst,Joyce was a dirty fücker alright. Maybe that's where the word analysis came from.

Andreas77 · 12-11-2019 12:42pm

I feel high as a kite today, reminds me of a woman I once entered from behind. While we were rutting "she drives me crazy" by the fine young cannibals came on. I squirted during the final verse, and I remember she was a bit ridged down there, hard ridges

Omackeral · 12-11-2019 1:10pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

I feel high as a kite today, reminds me of a woman I once entered from behind. While we were rutting "she drives me crazy" by the fine young cannibals came on. I squirted during the final verse, and I remember she was a bit ridged down there, hard ridges

And they say romance is dead.

Brendan Bendar · 12-11-2019 1:37pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

I feel high as a kite today, reminds me of a woman I once entered from behind. While we were rutting "she drives me crazy" by the fine young cannibals came on. I squirted during the final verse, and I remember she was a bit ridged down there, hard ridges

Filthy kernt!

Sharp MZ700 · 12-11-2019 2:16pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

I feel high as a kite today, reminds me of a woman I once entered from behind. While we were rutting "she drives me crazy" by the fine young cannibals came on. I squirted during the final verse, and I remember she was a bit ridged down there, hard ridges

Hard Ridges!! What were you using? A Merry Tiller?

NeinNeinNein · 12-11-2019 4:49pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Hard Ridges!! What were you using? A Merry Tiller?

Hard ridges? Brings me back to Sam Spudz crisps.

JohnnyFlash · 12-11-2019 5:21pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Filthy kernt!

The lad would get up on the carcass of a roast chicken. He’s a bad ‘un.

12-11-2019 5:26pm

Bit of diarrhoea today, only had three Weetabix this morning and a protein shake after the gym but I've been to the throne five times already. First few offerings were like something out of a HP Lovecraft story. Eldritch horrors, last visit produced some prolonged thunderous farting but little midden. Hopefully that's the system cleared out now.

Bobblehats · 12-11-2019 5:54pm

Mortified for you Niall I can imagine you slumped on the throne with an expression of disdain and revulsion akin to that of an innsmouther not satisfied with the solidity of his offerings as the drittle dissapated into the murky depths. Diahhroea is no fun but at least you got it out of your system, that’s the main thing.

sligojoek · 12-11-2019 5:58pm

An empty house is better than a bad lodger

12-11-2019 6:00pm

Bobblehats wrote: »

Mortified for you Niall I can imagine you slumped on the throne with an expression of disdain and revulsion akin to that of an innsmouther not satisfied with the solidity of his offerings as the drittle dissapated into the murky depths. Diahhroea is no fun but at least you got it out of your system, that’s the main thing.

Feeling much better now Bobble, it was rough going at first, the smell was atrocious. "The fent out of space", it would have driven lesser men to madness.

JohnnyFlash · 12-11-2019 6:07pm

Stay strong, pal. We’ve all been there. Might seem like a good idea to sink back 8 bottles of strong pale ale to get over the trauma, but it’s actually a very bad idea. Trust me.

dulpit · 12-11-2019 6:08pm

Somebody could do a PHD research on this thread around language and how the terms used here do not seem to appear anywhere else that I have heard, e.g. Midden, kernt, fent, etc.

Keep up the good work though fine sirs, I enjoy the read.

padd b1975 · 12-11-2019 6:08pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Lot of very ‘bound up’ individuals here today.

Might I suggest a mug of castor oil, Andrews Liver Salts, mushed up prunes, and maxwell house coffee powder?

Indeed.

Shams getting worked up about paragraphs.

Definitely CBS alumni if you ask me.

NeinNeinNein · 12-11-2019 6:24pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The lad would get up on the carcass of a roast chicken. He’s a bad ‘un.

Is that really a thing?

Just asking like.

JohnnyFlash · 12-11-2019 6:40pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Is that really a thing?

Just asking like.

Heard of a lad from Roscommon who was caught by his auld one doing it. Can’t verify if the story is true or not.

EmmetSpiceland · 12-11-2019 6:44pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Indeed.

Shams getting worked up about paragraphs.

Definitely CBS alumni if you ask me.

Most likely from back with the Brothers we’re clearing out any “blockages” personally.

NeinNeinNein · 12-11-2019 6:45pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard of a lad from Roscommon who was caught by his auld one doing it. Can’t verify if the story is true or not.

Suppose it would have been okay for their Sunday dinner anyway once he didn't "finish" before she caught him.

Sharp MZ700 · 12-11-2019 7:16pm

Reminds me of the cook who used to piss into the pot of cabbage in Naas. "That'll do the finest for the troops" he'd say pissing and stirring it with his army boot at the same time fag in mouth.
Simpler times, lads used lap it up and go for seconds.

NeinNeinNein · 12-11-2019 7:53pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Reminds me of the cook who used to piss into the pot of cabbage in Naas. "That'll do the finest for the troops" he'd say pissing and stirring it with his army boot at the same time fag in mouth.
Simpler times, lads used lap it up and go for seconds.

I dread to think what he put in the seconds.

Brendan Bendar · 12-11-2019 9:48pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Indeed.

Shams getting worked up about paragraphs.

Definitely CBS alumni if you ask me.

Apparently ‘waxed the dolphin ‘for Bro. Pius Callender, it’s said.

Voodoomelon · 12-11-2019 11:47pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Bit of diarrhoea today, only had three Weetabix this morning and a protein shake after the gym but I've been to the throne five times already. First few offerings were like something out of a HP Lovecraft story. Eldritch horrors, last visit produced some prolonged thunderous farting but little midden. Hopefully that's the system cleared out now.

That reminds me of the day I tried that Weetabix breakfast drink. Jesus Christ it turned my insides into mush, I can still remember the agonising cramps, like being stabbed in the abdomen. Spent the afternoon spraying hot slurry into the oval office. My arse was like the flag of Japan afterwards.

I was moments away from writing a letter of complaint to Weetabix, but thought better of ruining Charlotte in customer services day with a detailed account of what just came out of my arse.

13-11-2019 10:41am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

but thought better of ruining Charlotte in customer services day with a detailed account of what just came out of my arse.

This is the kind of customer feedback I think they need though. I'd have written a very descriptive letter after taking inspiration from this thread of course. The proper terms you find here to describe the aftermath of a bottle of liquid Weetabix would really help paint a picture for the product development boffins.

Hector Savage · 13-11-2019 11:08am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Heard of a lad from Roscommon who was caught by his auld one doing it. Can’t verify if the story is true or not.

I think it's a common myth, I remember Richard Richard in bottom mentioning it ..

Hector Savage · 13-11-2019 12:08pm

The traps where I work are as follows :
1 Male 2 cubibcles
1 Female 2 cubicles
1 unisex 1M 1F

So we have 3 traps to choose from, and as it's IT a lot more men in the office.
Anyway this past week the M cubicle in the unisex jacks has been "out of order".

Normally I have no problem finding a vacant trap but lately the Male jax 2 cubicles are busy
so I need to pop next door to unisex and have to use the Female one.

Makes sense when you think about it , we are 33% down in available male traps, anyway I don't feel too good
about pebble dashing the F toilet with a kilo of yobble every morning, but I have little choice.

Normally I check the coast is clear and leave quickly without washing my hands and then pop into the M
jacks to wash them.

Of course by then the 2 M cubicles are free - murphys law.

Omackeral · 13-11-2019 12:39pm

dulpit wrote: »

Somebody could do a PHD research on this thread around language and how the terms used here do not seem to appear anywhere else that I have heard, e.g. Midden, kernt, fent, etc.

Your very own username seems like it could be one itself.

''A dulpit of excrement was found on the victim's chest behind the pawn shop''

Hector Savage · 13-11-2019 12:42pm

Omackeral wrote: »

Your very own username seems like it could be one itself.

''A dulpit of excrement was found on the victim's chest behind the pawn shop''

ah jaysus!!

Have we come to scat now ?

Actually was mentioned earlier there was a really funny term for someone ****eing on a glass table whilst some pervert lay under said table enjoying the view ?

a cold larry or something ....?

NeinNeinNein · 13-11-2019 12:46pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

ah jaysus!!

Have we come to scat now ?

Actually was mentioned earlier there was a really funny term for someone ****eing on a glass table whilst some pervert lay under said table enjoying the view ?

a cold larry or something ....?

That's a Jack Cack, isn't it?

Named after yer man from The Shining, allegedly.

Omackeral · 13-11-2019 12:57pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

ah jaysus!!

Have we come to scat now ?

That's your own business if you have.

Omackeral · 13-11-2019 1:02pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Actually was mentioned earlier there was a really funny term for someone ****eing on a glass table whilst some pervert lay under said table enjoying the view ?

a cold larry or something ....?

Don't know about any of that shit (pun intended) but having a nice hot dump on someone's chest is called a ''Cleveland Steamer''.

Banging someone from behind and inserting a digit into their vacant orifice and subsequently drawing a fecal curly Mexican-style moustache on them is known as a ''Dirty Sanchez''.

EmmetSpiceland · 13-11-2019 1:07pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Is that really a thing?

Just asking like.

It’s more commonly done with a jam jar stuffed with liver, or “loose” meats.

This is then microwaved for 15-20 seconds, at 750 watt so adjust accordingly for 800 etc.

Some “people” will use Pot Noodle, chow mein flavour. Just ensure that the boiling water has fully cooled to a much lower temperature and has been fully absorbed by the “noodles”.

The carcass of a chicken isn’t a great option. There’s a number of sharp little bones that could easily do you some damage. There really are some sick freaks out there.

EmmetSpiceland · 13-11-2019 1:17pm

Omackeral wrote: »

Banging someone from behind and inserting a digit into their vacant orifice and subsequently drawing a fecal curly Mexican-style moustache on them is known as a ''Dirty Sanchez''.

“Screech” from Saved by the Bell was, infamously, involved with one of those. The girl, in question, was, allegedly, on her hen night.

He then, also allegedly, went on to get involved in some stabbing during a bar “brawl”.

I, personally, believe we should remember him as he once was, a beloved, yet annoying, morning tv show character. Not some degenerate shít smearer.

Omackeral · 13-11-2019 1:17pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Some “people” will use Pot Noodle, chow mein flavour. Just ensure that the boiling water has fully cooled to a much lower temperature and has been fully absorbed by the “noodles”.

My Friday nights generally consist of a Pot Noodle and ****. This is a potential game changer. Question, would one hypothetically add the sachet of dry vegetables to this vaginal substitute. It could simulate dangleberries I suppose? Whether that's a plus or a minus comes down to personal preference.

What's the etiquette here??

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