What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Anything to be said for refilling one of those sponge shoe shine applicators with a bit of Dettol to clean the hole? Or Oven Cleaner?
Drip free and easy apply I'm surprised someone hasn't cottoned on yet.

Yeah good luck using oven cleaner on yer hoop !!

Get back to us after the visit to A+E and let us know.

Sharp MZ700

I was trying to lighten the mood Hector, lads are getting het up with all these arsewipery scenarios. There's no way I'd take a can of Oven Cleaner to my butt, despite Mr. Proper's " I know what you're thinking" look. Subtle, but it is there.

EmmetSpiceland

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

I was trying to lighten the mood Hector, lads are getting het up with all these arsewipery scenarios. There's no way I'd take a can of Oven Cleaner to my butt, despite Mr. Proper's " I know what you're thinking" look. Subtle, but it is there.

To be honest with you, S, I thought it was a sound idea, in principle. The “applicator” would work wonders.

You could make money if you could “mechanise” it and have it work as some form of “buffer shine”. But some people wouldn’t be too keen on having “whirring” parts that could easily get tangled up in the “arse fro”. Might be worth moving those parts further back but I’ll leave that to you.

As for the contents, a couple of drops of TCP or even Tea Tree Oil may not be a bad “shout”.

Brendan Bendar

Folks.... serious warning here.

Never use a ‘foreign’ unit designed for cleaning something else on your hole.

Bad things happen if that advice is ignored.

The hoop is a delicate area, shouldn’t be treated badly.

This bleaching and stuff will only bring problems.

What’s wrong with a ‘ facecloth’ worked vigourisly into the crevices and then a run of fingers like a harpist to check if it’s ‘all clear’.

Common sense here please.

decky1

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That addressed to me, bud? The boss calls the shots, and I don’t want some Eastern European emptying his bowels in the stall beside me when he could have waited a few minutes.

Doesn’t matter now anyway; I let him go a few weeks ago.

'The Boss ' i bet you say this to yourself a lot, Boss or not we're all human and need the toilet, don't forget one thing while he was having a crap you were paying him for it so he made a few quid did you get paid for yours? wherever he is now he's better off than working for 'The Nob head' sorry 'Boss':D:rolleyes:.

JohnnyFlash

decky1 wrote: »

'The Boss ' i bet you say this to yourself a lot, Boss or not we're all human and need the toilet, don't forget one thing while he was having a crap you were paying him for it so he made a few quid did you get paid for yours? wherever he is now he's better off than working for 'The Nob head' sorry 'Boss':D:rolleyes:.

That you, Bendicks? I didn’t fire you for taking a dump (even though you should have known better), but because you were a bad worker.

Now build a bridge and get over it, bud.

decky1

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That you, Bendicks? I didn’t fire you for taking a dump (even though you should have known better), but because you were a bad worker.

Now build a bridge and get over it, bud.

Is 'The Boss' getting a bit confused Who's 'The Boss ' now.:eek:

Roger Hassenforder

decky1 wrote: »

Is 'The Boss' getting a bit confused Who's 'The Boss ' now.:eek:

Ah ya hardly expect him to know all his peons.

gerrybbadd

After my last experience, I was inspired to write a song. The following is to the air of Bon Jovi's "Always" - Enjoy:

There's midden on my fingers,
The midden ran like blood,
Zbigniew is cleanin',
what this old dog sloshed up.
Arse been raining since last Tuesday,
and now i'm drownin; in TPee,
You see i've always been a Chiter,
But without poo, i give up.

I can't pass a solid,
like the way I used to do,
Well I guess i'm not that good anymore,
My ass is passing pee

And I, will wipe you, Sheriff's Badge, Always

Brendan Bendar

gerrybbadd wrote: »

After my last experience, I was inspired to write a song. The following is to the air of Bon Jovi's "Always" - Enjoy:

There's midden on my fingers,
The midden ran like blood,
Zbigniew is cleanin',
what this old dog sloshed up.
Arse been raining since last Tuesday,
and now i'm drownin; in TPee,
You see i've always been a Chiter,
But without poo, i give up.

I can't pass a solid,
like the way I used to do,
Well I guess i'm not that good anymore,
My ass is passing pee

And I, will wipe you, Sheriff's Badge, Always

Gerard don’t give up the day job. I’ll have a bit of a go off the top of me head

The badge was pressing fiercely
It were time to drop the slop
A rapid dump was called for
And an urgent skiddie drop

************
I lurched toward pewter heaven
In hope of vacant stalls
A stream was gilding arse-cheeks
Dripping down on hanging balls

****************
An empty Pod was sighted
Cue a surging from the hoop
A quick drop down of clothing
Bent the back, assumed the stoop

*****************
Spooled up the badge to eighty
Sent the N2 pressure high
Exploded with a fuhherking blast
Was trembling knee to thigh.

*************
Filled up the hungry pewter
To a unrecorded height
Wiped up,and looked ,and took the view
That’s one tremendous shyyte.

***************
Too good to send to Ringsend
Too fat to put on hold
It needs a flag to honour it
Our own green white and gold

****************

©️ B Bendar poet laureate for Boards.ie

Pintman Paddy Losty

You're quite the bard Brenner. Fair dues. That was good.

Utter Consternation

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Gerard don’t give up the day job. I’ll have a bit of a go off the top of me head

The badge was pressing fiercely
It were time to drop the slop
A rapid dump was called for
And an urgent skiddie drop

************
I lurched toward pewter heaven
In hope of vacant stalls
A stream was gilding arse-cheeks
Dripping down on hanging balls

****************
An empty Pod was sighted
Cue a surging from the hoop
A quick drop down of clothing
Bent the back, assumed the stoop

*****************
Spooled up the badge to eighty
Sent the N2 pressure high
Exploded with a fuhherking blast
Was trembling knee to thigh.

*************
Filled up the hungry pewter
To a unrecorded height
Wiped up,and looked ,and took the view
That’s one tremendous shyyte.

***************
Too good to send to Ringsend
Too fat to put on hold
It needs a flag to honour it
Our own green white and gold

****************

©️ B Bendar poet laureate for Boards.ie

That brought a tear to my eye.

gerrybbadd

Brendan, you've humbled me. Patriotic touch at the end there would convince even the staunchest of loyalists that reunification is the way. Reunification of the two arse cheeks that is.

What air should it be sang too? I read it as like a Rap.

JohnnyFlash

Awful pity Luke Kelly isn’t around to sing it.

Roger Hassenforder

Fcukit theres a high standard, i'm almost embarrassed. But anyway


There was a young man from Killarney
Who took his auld doll out for a prawn bryani.
Before the end of the night,
He knew things werent right,
But shat himself before reaching the kharzi

gerrybbadd

Ah limericks

There was a young man named Ger - ry
Whos arsehole was very hai - ry
He'd a dose of the runs,
ruined his tight pasty buns,
now the midden flows well and fair - ly

IIGeminiII

Funny one yesterday. Was having my morning dump and heavy in thought for maybe 20 minutes sitting on the tank, wondering what I'm doing with my life and such, what's it all about etc. So I finish up, give myself a good shake down and put my professional sales-destroyer face on and head off to work.

Sticky hole all day and a bit grainy too. A feeling like someone shook out a salt shaker full of sand between two slimy sheets of Denny's ham.

Got home in the evening and my partner gives me an agrieved look, and my first thought is that I've left the dog suffocating in the car (very warm here), but it turns out that I'd left a load of slurry and nuggets of fetid steaming gunk all over the bowl when I'd left for work in the morning.

Hit me like a flash then and everything made sense. I'd been so deep in thought I'd simply stood up without wiping or flushing that very morning. Walking around all day with a sloppy crap-infested grainy smellhole. Ah life. You never know what to expect.

vifye fulmi

poo

Sharp MZ700

It'd top it all Brendan if you said you wrote that whilst laying a brown egg. I thought you might have sent the main character home to Ringsend though, back to where he was originally born.

Art at its best in my humble opinion, fair play to you!

Brendan Bendar

vifye fulmi wrote: »

poo

Great first post dude, welcome, you will drive up the popularity of this platform and this thread, no end.

Top class contribution.

gerrybbadd

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Great first post dude, welcome, you will drive up the popularity of this platform and this thread, no end.

Top class contribution.

And registered an account to do it and all.

We need more of this kind of moxy in this country

Brendan Bendar

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

It'd top it all Brendan if you said you wrote that whilst laying a brown egg. I thought you might have sent the main character home to Ringsend though, back to where he was originally born.

Art at its best in my humble opinion, fair play to you!

No, just sucking a can of Poland’s best, gets the juices going.

Now if I am up to it I might do an alternative last verse for you.

You seem to want to send the load out to sea, I can’t remember the thing really
So bear with me and I’ll try to accommodate.

Brendan Bendar

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

It'd top it all Brendan if you said you wrote that whilst laying a brown egg. I thought you might have sent the main character home to Ringsend though, back to where he was originally born.

Art at its best in my humble opinion, fair play to you!

Alternative last stanza.


Hrrruuunmmmmmph


I pressed the handle firmly
She sank down toward the bend
I puffed my chest and said “good luck”
And sent her to Ringsend.



How’s that?

IIGeminiII

Brendan you are an artist.

Incidentally, how many trips do you take to the toilet to drop slurry bombs per day? You strike me as a 3/4 trip per day fellah

Brendan Bendar

IIGeminiII wrote: »

Brendan you are an artist.

Incidentally, how many trips do you take to the toilet to drop slurry bombs per day? You strike me as a 3/4 trip per day fellah

No Gem, I’d be an around 1030 dude and that evacuation would clear the pipes for the day.

Any fcuker who takes three or four would have issues, in my opinion.

Like tooling up on the spicey stuff and chugging generous amounts of Polish lager.

Been there Gem, fizzed out very hefty mince after such an intake, squarted out gouts of thin sludge at regular intervals.

But I learned my lessons.

Sharp MZ700

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Alternative last stanza.


Hrrruuunmmmmmph


I pressed the handle firmly
She sank down toward the bend
I puffed my chest and said “good luck”
And sent her to Ringsend.



How’s that?

Like a fully borne ditch shìt or one of those African Boerwors, it's after coming full circle.

Tip o' the hat Brendan.

JohnnyFlash

This thread has it all - pathos, logos, poetry, philosophy, rhetoric. A true senate of debate.

Brendan Bendar

No schyte John?

Must slip over to Politics to spread a bit there.


Hmmmm....

sligojoek

I came across (titter titter) this poem tonight.

Pooing Off A Boat

Brendan Bendar

sligojoek wrote: »

I came across (titter titter) this poem tonight.

Pooing Off A Boat

Good spot Joe.