The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days ... and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old Rabbi said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ..... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

" Oh, you know Jewish people don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says,

"Oy..... vait a minute."

He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

"Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree......










....It vuz a ham bush."

Charity Begins At Home

A Priest, a minister and a Rabbi were sitting around wondering what to do with all the money they collected from charity.
The priest said: "I got an idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls in the circle we give to God.
The Minister said: "I got a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls outside the circle we give to God.
The Rabbi said: "I got even a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and let God take what he wants, and what falls to the ground we keep!

A few one-liners:


Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”


Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.



“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads”