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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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Capt'n Midnight

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

branie2

Can you tell me Napoleon's nationality?

Course I can.

Correct!

Capt'n Midnight

I keep on having a recurring dream of ten divided by three.

Capt'n Midnight

I had a dodgy curry last night and ended up paying for it with explosive diarrhoea.

In hindsight, the guy at the till would probably have preferred cash.

philstar

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I keep on having a recurring dream of ten divided by three.

TheBody

philstar wrote: »

10 divided by 3 is 3.333333333333........

The 3 is recurring.

philstar

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
of course !

the_pen_turner

A woman went to her priest with a problem.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing.
All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're pro-stit-utes. Wanna have some fun?'
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots.
The females said, "Hi, we're pro-stit-utes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away brother, our prayers have been answered!

bnt

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I had a dodgy curry last night and ended up paying for it with explosive diarrhoea.

In hindsight, the guy at the till would probably have preferred cash.

Last time I had a curry, I spent half the night Vindaloo ... still, I got off lightly compared to the guy who tried snorting curry powder: he had a dodgy Tikka and ended up in a Korma ...

Loafing Oaf

What do you call the sinister group of global elitists set up by an Irish guy?

The Builder Burke Committee

bnt

Here's a visual joke to try on your friends, family and colleagues ... at your own risk, of course. Hold up your hand, fingers spread out, palm facing towards you.

- "What's this?"
- "Dunno."
Close your hand, except for the middle finger.
- "It's a week's supply of this."

Billy86

Deleted User wrote: »

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes.

Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.

"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"

Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

Nobody had told Rabbi Cohen that Father Kelly was a Protestant.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

bnt wrote: »

Here's a visual joke to try on your friends, family and colleagues ... at your own risk, of course. Hold up your hand, fingers spread out, palm facing towards you.

- "What's this?"
- "Dunno."
Close your hand, except for the middle finger.
- "It's a week's supply of this."

How is five a week's supply?

snowflaker

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

How is five a week's supply?

Working week I assume....

bnt

snowflaker wrote: »

Working week I assume....

Yeah, they get the weekend off!

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

snowflaker wrote: »

Working week I assume....

If you don't work???

snowflaker

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

If you don't work???

then avoid AH...

[Deleted User]

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

If you don't work???

Then borrow the two fingers off the other hand! :P

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Deleted User wrote: »

Then borrow the two fingers off the other hand! :P

That's exactly what I was waiting for.

g0g

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.

[Deleted User]

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days ... and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old Rabbi said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ..... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

" Oh, you know Jewish people don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says,

"Oy..... vait a minute."

He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

"Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree......

....It vuz a ham bush."

[Deleted User]

The first Jewish USA President is elected.

He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to
come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo,just come mama"

"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible.....???

.... "His brother's a doctor!"

[Deleted User]

Charity Begins At Home

A Priest, a minister and a Rabbi were sitting around wondering what to do with all the money they collected from charity.
The priest said: "I got an idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls in the circle we give to God.
The Minister said: "I got a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls outside the circle we give to God.
The Rabbi said: "I got even a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and let God take what he wants, and what falls to the ground we keep!

Gloomtastic!

g0g wrote: »

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.

I love this joke, thank you!!

New Home

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

New Home

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.

branie2

Why didn't Woody Allen leave Egypt with the rest of the Jews?

He wanted to date Pharaoh's daughter

lawred2

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head.

Life was tough in the Gateau

I'm dead at that one

[Deleted User]

A few one-liners:

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads”

[Deleted User]

A few more from the distant past

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes.”

I always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"