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One-Liner Jokes

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    #3302
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce ?

    Chicken sees-a-salad .........
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3303
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why did the Cows return to the Marijuana field?

    It was the Pot calling the Cattle Back.







    smokin.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3304
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Hear about the lad whose whole left side was cut off !???


    Hes all right now...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3305
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I'm heading down to the Autopsy club later on .....



    Its open mike night ...........
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3306
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    greenspurs wrote: »
    Hear about the lad whose whole left side was cut off !???


    Hes all right now...


    The cut off his left testicle too,





    Now he's a right Bollock :P

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3307
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I handed the wife a glue stick instead of her chap stick........



    Shes still not talking to me .
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3308
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

    "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!

    There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

    The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you about this before.






    This is Air Force One..."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3309
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why do seagulls live by the sea ??




    Because if they lived by the bay, theyd be Bagels .....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3310
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Archeologists have found a new tomb in Egypt.

    Upon opening the sarcophagus they found traces of Nuts and Chocolate on the Mummy.












    They think they may have found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3311
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    People are usually shocked when they see how bad I am with electrics ......
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3312
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman.



    One is a super hero, the other is a Simple Instruction.












    deserted.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3313
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    Everything in my house sucks, ... except the vacuum cleaner and the wife...


  • Options
    #3314
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "Nurse, when I give Blood,
    I don't extract it my self, a Nurse does it for me"






    "Sir I understand, but this a Sperm Bank and it doesn't work that way"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3315
    Up Donegal
    Registered Users Posts: 1,236 ✭✭✭Up Donegal


    Have they found the abominable Snowman?

    No, not Yeti :):rolleyes:


  • Options
    #3316
    Up Donegal
    Registered Users Posts: 1,236 ✭✭✭Up Donegal


    What did the Nepalese farmer say when he discovered an egg under his rooster?

    Him-a-laya! :D:D


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    #3317
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Birthdays are good for you.






    Studies show that people who have more Birthdays Live Longer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3318
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Up Donegal wrote: »
    What did the Nepalese farmer say when he discovered an egg under his rooster?

    Him-a-laya! :D:D


    What does a Hindu?



    Lay eggs



    hehe.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3319
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I feared my wife had Tourette's, so I took her to see a psychiatrist.

    The good news?

    She's not got it.

    The bad news?

    I am a c*nt and she doe's want me to fook off.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3320
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The programming team in Brussels are delighted as they’ve just realised all their databases will need 1GB less to run from March.



    (Maybe...!)

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3321
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was hugely disappointed to come last in the Astronomy Quiz.





    Still, they gave me a Constellation prize.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Options
    #3322
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just been for a job interview and the guy asked me where i saw myself in a years time.






    "I Don't really know, it's not like I have 2020 vision"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3323
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My girlfriend dumped me , so I took her crutches...................


    guess who came crawling back ....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3324
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Got really cross when someone fired a toy gun right in my face and a flag came out of the barrel with ” ngab “ on it


    I said “ That’s bang out of order ! “

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3325
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wonder did Egyptian Tomb Robbers show up waving guns and shouting


    "Your Mummy or your Life"?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3326
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"

    I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Tom Cruise?

    Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar.



    It's murder on the Orient Express... "

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3327
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Hear about Spurs buying someone ?






    Aww, come on ! you hardly believed that !........ :(
    (sorry, just Monday blues, courtesy of Spurs)
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3328
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I Mugged by Six dwarfs last night.





    Not Happy.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3329
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high .....



    She looked surprised !!
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3330
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,283 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve started dating a girl with eczema.






    She’s got Cracking Tits :eek:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Options
    #3331
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,275 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Do you know what the least spoken language is ?



    Sign language.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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