One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks

Guy I know is always in A&E with concussion.

Lives just a stone's throw from me...

decky1

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Because the seaweed.

PS. anyone know Teresa Green ?

yes did'nt she marry Logs Byrne,

MonkieSocks

Paddy builds a bridge across the Sahara,

Murphy sees it and says WTF are you doing Paddy?

Take it down quick, if anyone sees it they'll think we're stupid.








Paddy says, I can't take it down, there's 500 Sasanachs fishing from it already .

MonkieSocks

My mate has been diagnosed with A.S.H.

That's AIDS, Syphilis and Herpes...

They told him he's an incurable romantic.

greenspurs

I know loads of jokes about cash machines...……….






But I cant fecking think of one atm ……………

MonkieSocks

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

MonkieSocks

A Pun enters a room and murders Two Groups of 5 People.

Pun in, ten dead

MonkieSocks

What do they serve for breakfast at Dignitas?




Cheerios.

MonkieSocks

Did you hear about the mathematician who had a a phobia of negative numbers?


He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

MonkieSocks

My wife is like a fine wine.

She's maturing with age, and I keep her in the cellar.

MonkieSocks

Q: Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?







A: Tequila

greenspurs

I hate autocorrect.........

Its always making me say thing i didnt Nintendo .....

MonkieSocks

The man who invented autocorrect died today.

May he rust in piss.




Eamonn

Worztron

Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters? So the men can think of a solution in silence.

MonkieSocks

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The man who invented autocorrect died today.

Thay didn't know he was I'll

coolhull

The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman.
Their kids were nothing to look at, either.

MonkieSocks

I remember my first ever visit to a Chinese restaurant.

I looked at the menu and asked “are those prawn crackers?’

“Nah” said the waiter, “ they just enjoy a good laugh”.

greenspurs

I cant stop robbing kitchen utensils....

Its a whisk I have to take...

MonkieSocks

I recently bought a Dog from a local Blacksmith





I only had him 3 hours before made a Bolt for the Door!

MonkieSocks

You can't spell 'advertisements' without getting semen between tits

MonkieSocks

A Bloke came into my Shoe Shop and asked for some Red Shoes.

'Certainly Sir', I said 'what Size?'

'72' he replied.










Fookin Clown.

MonkieSocks

Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Otherwise its feet wouldn't touch the ground.

MonkieSocks

Moshe and Abraham are walking along complaining about how poor they are when they see a church and outside it a sign saying

‘Convert to Christianity for £500.’

Moshe says, “I need the money. I have a family to feed. I am going to do it.”

He walks into the church as Abraham waits outside.

An hour later he comes out.

“So, did you get the money?” asked Abraham.

Moshe looked at him and said, “Is that all you people think about?”

MonkieSocks

Abel and Moshe were sitting in a bar when a Beautiful Blonde walked in.

Abel said "Hey, Moshe, I'd lend her one."

Bandana boy

MonkieSocks wrote: »

I remember my first ever visit to a Chinese restaurant.

I looked at the menu and asked “are those prawn crackers?’

“Nah” said the waiter, “ they just enjoy a good laugh”.

I don't get it ?

MonkieSocks

Bandana boy wrote: »

I don't get it ?

The waiter misinterpreted was the customer was asking and thought he was asking if the Prawns...............were crackers(a bit mad)

MonkieSocks

just pulled up to find some thieving fooker run out of the back door and jump over the fence.

The wife must've put up a good fight though.




She was half naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk.

mistersifter

I was gonna do a one liner about Michael Jackson but then i thought better of it. It's just too much of a touchy subject.

J Cheevor Loophole

Was thinking about telling a joke about the prevalence of cocaine usage in this country...but you have to draw a line somewhere.

MonkieSocks

A man gets a terminal diagnosis from the doctor.

"I'm really sorry," the doctor tells him.

"It is terminal. You have six months to live, and the bill comes to €10,000"

He says "I cant repay that in six months"

Doctor says " OK, I'll give you a year"