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One-Liner Jokes

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    #3332
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet !!!



    But ive never seen any with more than 4 ..................
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3333
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Doctor walked into a bank.

    Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to "write" with it.

    Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,


    "Fookin helll"... some asshole"s got my pen."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3334
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

    Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3335
    meath4sam
    Registered Users Posts: 605 ✭✭✭meath4sam


    Two goldfish in a tank......


    One turns the the other and asks, how do you drive this thing??


  • Options
    #3336
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My dentist just won "dentist of the year" :D




    All he got was a little plaque.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3337
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I developed an addiction to Viagra .................


    The wife has taken it really hard !
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3338
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why was the cookie upset ??



    Cos his father was a wafer so long .....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3339
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,907 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

    Sold his soul to santa

    Or what about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac ?

    He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.


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    #3340
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

    “I’m really disappointed.”



    “You can hardly blame me,” I answered.

    “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”



    “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied.

    “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3341
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.



    One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?"



    The other says, "I'm a Big Metal Fan."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3342
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call an Alligator wearing a vest.


    An Investigator


    _________________________________

    What do you call an Alligator wearing a Sweater?



    A Wooly Chomper

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3343
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife has been in a coma for the last 3 weeks.....

    Today the doctor told me the bad news...……..




    It looks like im going to have to go to the charity shops to get all her clothes back ……...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3344
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years...


    I just can’t part with it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3345
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife suggested for sex, we do something from a song.

    Our neighbour Eileen wasn't impressed !!!!!!
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #3346
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?






    They know Jewish women can"t resist anything with 10% off.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #3347
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With this cold weather, my mouth keeps Freezing closed.



    The Doctor has told me to Grit my Teeth!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3348
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I love this ….

    313724-504993969544234-1754904385-n.jpg
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3349
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Do you have a favourite Leicester player ?


    Oh yes, Ndidi …………
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3350
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,232 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Table booked for 8pm on Thursday for Valentines day.
    I might even buy her a few drinks !!! :p ….




    Shes bloody useless at snooker though !
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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    #3351
    Pints?
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭Pints?


    The advantage of easy origami is two-fold


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    #3352
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Getting baptised by a priest dressed as a clown might seem a little weird>




    But to me,it was a Blessing in Disguise.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3353
    Tomw86
    Registered Users Posts: 931 ✭✭✭Tomw86


    What do you called a one legged Hippo?

    A Hoppo


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    #3354
    Ragnar Lothbrok
    Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Ragnar Lothbrok


    Tomw86 wrote: »
    What do you called a one legged Hippo?

    A Hoppo

    Love it :D


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    #3355
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just seen a homeless many dressed up as Henry VIII.







    Surely he must realise that beggars can't be Tudors?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3356
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Mother in law : My grandson looks nothing like my son?




    Daughter in law : It's a Fanny I've got, not a fookin Photocopier

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3357
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Q: What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

    A: One is very Heavy, and the other is a Little Lighter.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3358
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "Doctor, I keep hearing Strange Voices from my Underpants"






    "Ignore them, They're Talking Bollocks

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3359
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie.




    Apparently "Shatner Panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #3360
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    "It's a boy," I shouted, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I don't believe it! A boy!"

    And that was the moment when I decided never to visit Thailand again.....


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    #3361
    decky1
    Registered Users Posts: 975 ✭✭✭decky1


    working in England a friend from kerry asked me to make him a box 1 inch high x 1 inch wide and 30 foot long, what for i asked him , 'I want to send a washing line home to my mammy ' he said.


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