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One-Liner Jokes

1…6465676970…119

Comments

  • #3302
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce ?

    Chicken sees-a-salad .........
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3303
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why did the Cows return to the Marijuana field?

    It was the Pot calling the Cattle Back.







    smokin.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3304
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Hear about the lad whose whole left side was cut off !???


    Hes all right now...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3305
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I'm heading down to the Autopsy club later on .....



    Its open mike night ...........
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3306
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    greenspurs wrote: »
    Hear about the lad whose whole left side was cut off !???


    Hes all right now...


    The cut off his left testicle too,





    Now he's a right Bollock :P

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3307
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I handed the wife a glue stick instead of her chap stick........



    Shes still not talking to me .
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3308
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

    "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!

    There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

    The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you about this before.






    This is Air Force One..."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3309
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why do seagulls live by the sea ??




    Because if they lived by the bay, theyd be Bagels .....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3310
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Archeologists have found a new tomb in Egypt.

    Upon opening the sarcophagus they found traces of Nuts and Chocolate on the Mummy.












    They think they may have found the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3311
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    People are usually shocked when they see how bad I am with electrics ......
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



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  • #3312
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman.



    One is a super hero, the other is a Simple Instruction.












    deserted.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3313
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    Everything in my house sucks, ... except the vacuum cleaner and the wife...


  • #3314
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "Nurse, when I give Blood,
    I don't extract it my self, a Nurse does it for me"






    "Sir I understand, but this a Sperm Bank and it doesn't work that way"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3315
    Up Donegal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,236 ✭✭✭Up Donegal


    Have they found the abominable Snowman?

    No, not Yeti :):rolleyes:


  • #3316
    Up Donegal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,236 ✭✭✭Up Donegal


    What did the Nepalese farmer say when he discovered an egg under his rooster?

    Him-a-laya! :D:D


  • #3317
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Birthdays are good for you.






    Studies show that people who have more Birthdays Live Longer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3318
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Up Donegal wrote: »
    What did the Nepalese farmer say when he discovered an egg under his rooster?

    Him-a-laya! :D:D


    What does a Hindu?



    Lay eggs



    hehe.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3319
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I feared my wife had Tourette's, so I took her to see a psychiatrist.

    The good news?

    She's not got it.

    The bad news?

    I am a c*nt and she doe's want me to fook off.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3320
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The programming team in Brussels are delighted as they’ve just realised all their databases will need 1GB less to run from March.



    (Maybe...!)

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3321
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was hugely disappointed to come last in the Astronomy Quiz.





    Still, they gave me a Constellation prize.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3322
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just been for a job interview and the guy asked me where i saw myself in a years time.






    "I Don't really know, it's not like I have 2020 vision"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3323
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My girlfriend dumped me , so I took her crutches...................


    guess who came crawling back ....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3324
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Got really cross when someone fired a toy gun right in my face and a flag came out of the barrel with ” ngab “ on it


    I said “ That’s bang out of order ! “

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3325
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wonder did Egyptian Tomb Robbers show up waving guns and shouting


    "Your Mummy or your Life"?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3326
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"

    I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Tom Cruise?

    Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar.



    It's murder on the Orient Express... "

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3327
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Hear about Spurs buying someone ?






    Aww, come on ! you hardly believed that !........ :(
    (sorry, just Monday blues, courtesy of Spurs)
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3328
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I Mugged by Six dwarfs last night.





    Not Happy.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3329
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high .....



    She looked surprised !!
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3330
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’ve started dating a girl with eczema.






    She’s got Cracking Tits :eek:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3331
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Do you know what the least spoken language is ?



    Sign language.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3332
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet !!!



    But ive never seen any with more than 4 ..................
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3333
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Doctor walked into a bank.

    Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to "write" with it.

    Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said,


    "Fookin helll"... some asshole"s got my pen."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3334
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

    Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3335
    meath4sam
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 605 ✭✭✭meath4sam


    Two goldfish in a tank......


    One turns the the other and asks, how do you drive this thing??


  • #3336
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My dentist just won "dentist of the year" :D




    All he got was a little plaque.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3337
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I developed an addiction to Viagra .................


    The wife has taken it really hard !
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3338
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Why was the cookie upset ??



    Cos his father was a wafer so long .....
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3339
    trashcan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,137 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

    Sold his soul to santa

    Or what about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac ?

    He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.


  • #3340
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

    “I’m really disappointed.”



    “You can hardly blame me,” I answered.

    “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”



    “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied.

    “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3341
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.



    One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?"



    The other says, "I'm a Big Metal Fan."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3342
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call an Alligator wearing a vest.


    An Investigator


    _________________________________

    What do you call an Alligator wearing a Sweater?



    A Wooly Chomper

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3343
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife has been in a coma for the last 3 weeks.....

    Today the doctor told me the bad news...……..




    It looks like im going to have to go to the charity shops to get all her clothes back ……...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3344
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years...


    I just can’t part with it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3345
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My wife suggested for sex, we do something from a song.

    Our neighbour Eileen wasn't impressed !!!!!!
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3346
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?






    They know Jewish women can"t resist anything with 10% off.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3347
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With this cold weather, my mouth keeps Freezing closed.



    The Doctor has told me to Grit my Teeth!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3348
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    I love this ….

    313724-504993969544234-1754904385-n.jpg
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3349
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Do you have a favourite Leicester player ?


    Oh yes, Ndidi …………
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3350
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,799 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Table booked for 8pm on Thursday for Valentines day.
    I might even buy her a few drinks !!! :p ….




    Shes bloody useless at snooker though !
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #3351
    Pints?
    Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭Pints?


    The advantage of easy origami is two-fold


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