What's the etiquette here??

dulpit · 08-10-2019 11:09am

YFlyer wrote: »

England v Ireland. Either 1988 or 1990. Dropped a load while sitting near the centre circle. A spursy thing to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R1QABw5v_w

EmmetSpiceland · 08-10-2019 11:09am

Dr Strange wrote: »

I must say kudos to all the spouses/partners for putting up with these situations while suffering in silence.

Are you kidding me? I get an “earful” nearly every weekend.

That’s with opening the window, lighting matches, lighting candles and even burning hair to try “mask” the smell.

Silence me hole.

Hector Savage · 08-10-2019 11:17am

dulpit wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R1QABw5v_w

WTAF!

Then he continued playing after clearing his jocks with his hand and wiping it on the grass!!!

08-10-2019 11:25am

Went to the gym this morning before work. Got home with about twenty minutes to spare to shower and get ready for work when my housemate decides that would be the perfect time to take a dump. The ****ing fent the bastard left in there is unreal. ****er didn't even open the window or use the bottle of Fabreeze I bought. I was about ten minutes late for work too. This means war.

EmmetSpiceland · 08-10-2019 11:34am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Went to the gym this morning before work. Got home with about twenty minutes to spare to shower and get ready for work when my housemate decides that would be the perfect time to take a dump. The ****ing fent the bastard left in there is unreal. ****er didn't even open the window or use the bottle of Fabreeze I bought. I was about ten minutes late for work too. This means war.

A “Dutch sauna”.

padd b1975 · 08-10-2019 11:49am

YFlyer wrote: »

England v Ireland. Either 1988 or 1990. Dropped a load while sitting near the centre circle. A spursy thing to do.

Apparently he overindulged at a seafood banquet the previous evening.

Scallops were on the turn according to those in the know.

Might even have been sabotage....it happened the All Blacks in 95 allegedly.

EmmetSpiceland · 08-10-2019 11:55am

padd b1975 wrote: »

Might even have been sabotage....it happened the All Blacks in 95 allegedly.

Only “Suzie” knows for sure.

padd b1975 · 08-10-2019 11:58am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Only “Suzie” knows for sure.

You're going to have to explain that one if you don't mind.

EmmetSpiceland · 08-10-2019 12:08pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

You're going to have to explain that one if you don't mind.

The “theory” goes that a waitress named “Suzie” was the source of the poisoning. I believe it was delivered through the tea that the team drank with breakfast.

She was hired a few days previous and then “disappeared” the day of, indeed, after. No one has been able to locate or identify this woman.

YFlyer · 08-10-2019 12:11pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Apparently he overindulged at a seafood banquet the previous evening.

Scallops were on the turn according to those in the know.

Might even have been sabotage....it happened the All Blacks in 95 allegedly.

Perhaps he was looking into seafood crisps. Dragons Den put a stop to that.

Sonia O'Sullivan helped herself as well.

padd b1975 · 08-10-2019 12:54pm

YFlyer wrote: »

Perhaps he was looking into seafood crisps. Dragons Den put a stop to that.

Sonia O'Sullivan helped herself as well.

Not forgetting a Spurs team a few years back before the last game of the season where a win would have secured Champions League football.

YFlyer · 08-10-2019 12:57pm

padd b1975 wrote: »

Not forgetting a Spurs team a few years back before the last game of the season where a win would have secured Champions League football.

Yeah story that they ate some meal that didn't agree with them prior to playing West Ham.

SEPT 23 1989 · 08-10-2019 1:09pm

Dr Strange wrote: »

I must say kudos to all the spouses/partners for putting up with these situations while suffering in silence.

"that's not normal" is usually roared at me by my dry retching wife

Hotblack Desiato · 08-10-2019 2:00pm

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

Finally i get home, mrs answers, looks at me curiously. I just run to the bath to get changed. She starts vomiting, i start gagging, **** everywhere.

She should've let you in the side gate and then blasted you with the garden hose. Like that scene in First Blood, if you have decent water pressure.

dulpit wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R1QABw5v_w

At least he was wearing very dark shorts - imagine if one of the Irish lads had been so afflicted?

JohnnyFlash · 09-10-2019 8:17am

Hopefully the contributors to this esteemed senate of debate and intellectual enquiry will forgive me for going off on a bit of a tangent, but something has been bothering me for quite some time.

Has anyone noticed a dramatic decrease in the quality of branded underwear? Usually operate a 10 pair rota - new pair of boxers daily with 3 spare pairs for overnights or emergency changes. So washed once a week. The gusset is giving up on them after about 3 months though - holes developing in the crotch and sump area. Using premium washing powder and conditioner and putting them on a 40 degree wash at 1000 revolutions per minute. All within the standard operating manual.

Now we’re not talking Brendan Bendar specials here - 14 pairs of yellowing briefs routed out from the final reductions bin in Guineys. No, I’m talking premium brands - Pringle, Bjorn Borg, Calvin Klein etc.

Is this yet another sign of the death of quality and the late stages of capitalism? Poor quality cotton won’t last long when in daily contact with the naturally acidic qualities of ball grease and sump oil.

Sardonicat · 09-10-2019 8:22am

^^^^^
Spin cycle is far too strong. Reduce to 800. Keep 1000 for hardy garments and towels.

Ush1 · 09-10-2019 8:33am

Can vouch for Saville Row jocks. Bulletproof.

armaghlad · 09-10-2019 8:34am

Johnny I’m having the same issue. We’re talking mainly the stalwart Calvin Klein. Getting 6 months if I’m lucky before small holes being to appear. I originally put it down to my more than generous gentleman’s region but one can only delude one’s self for so long. I have to say though Tommy Hilfiger makes a robust and sturdy boxer short

Hector Savage · 09-10-2019 9:56am

Guess who's stuck in a meeting with a turtle's head poking ....... AGAIN!!!!??

JohnnyFlash · 09-10-2019 10:02am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Guess who's stuck in a meeting with a turtle's head poking ....... AGAIN!!!!??

If you’ve time to use your phone in a meeting then you’ve time to excuse yourself from the room and go for a shïte. Fücking civil servants.

Hotblack Desiato · 09-10-2019 10:29am

Topman trunks are the best out there imho, comfy last well and not expensive.

Hector Savage · 09-10-2019 11:11am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

If you’ve time to use your phone in a meeting then you’ve time to excuse yourself from the room and go for a shïte. Fücking civil servants.

Now now Johnny you sound a bit angry - are the worn jocks itching your barsal region by any chance ?
Some vaseline should do the trick - apply liberally.
- it's a microsoft teams meeting, so we are at our desks headsets on and could be called to speak at any moment - leaving is difficult, I'm not on my phone boards is open on another tab, not hard to make a quick post.

I'm not a civil servant - I wish I had that kind of job security!

And the meeting ended soon after, I made it into a trap to shotgun blast the pewter with fresh midden!!

Lately I'm not too happy with the state of the traps in here, one of them is "out of order" so we are down to 3 traps for the men.

As a result they are busier and a worse pong than usual.

dulpit · 09-10-2019 12:14pm

Just about to take my 3rd trip to the WC today, stomach isn't right at all today. Least there's the bonus that I'm getting paid for said trips...

09-10-2019 12:57pm

dulpit wrote: »

Just about to take my 3rd trip to the WC today, stomach isn't right at all today. Least there's the bonus that I'm getting paid for said trips...

No time like company time.

Hector Savage · 09-10-2019 1:15pm

dulpit wrote: »

Just about to take my 3rd trip to the WC today, stomach isn't right at all today. Least there's the bonus that I'm getting paid for said trips...

I only dump on company time.

gerrybbadd · 09-10-2019 1:55pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I only dump on company time.

Weekends must be uncomfortable

Brendan Bendar · 09-10-2019 2:15pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Hopefully the contributors to this esteemed senate of debate and intellectual enquiry will forgive me for going off on a bit of a tangent, but something has been bothering me for quite some time.

Has anyone noticed a dramatic decrease in the quality of branded underwear? Usually operate a 10 pair rota - new pair of boxers daily with 3 spare pairs for overnights or emergency changes. So washed once a week. The gusset is giving up on them after about 3 months though - holes developing in the crotch and sump area. Using premium washing powder and conditioner and putting them on a 40 degree wash at 1000 revolutions per minute. All within the standard operating manual.

Now we’re not talking Brendan Bendar specials here - 14 pairs of yellowing briefs routed out from the final reductions bin in Guineys. No, I’m talking premium brands - Pringle, Bjorn Borg, Calvin Klein etc.

Is this yet another sign of the death of quality and the late stages of capitalism? Poor quality cotton won’t last long when in daily contact with the naturally acidic qualities of ball grease and sump oil.

John, very upset about that remark but won’t descend to the gutther to ripost.

What’s wrong with your high end jocks is your crappy diet, fcuking Supermacs burgers five days a week, and processed food the other two, topped up with gulling back liters of cheap beer and shortdated food.

That and poor hygiene

This diet John, produces bag soup and crack drittle which would work its way through Olympic standard yacht sails, in less than a month.

A suggestion would be to get the area fully waxed,change your diet, and take a shower around once a week.

Keep the cluster dry, Caldescene is good and work a soft toothbrush behind the neck of the ‘helmet’.

For info, the Brenner has no undergarment difficulties despite operating in the lower end of the undergarment division, good slather of Savlon keeps the purse nicely ‘free’ and the neck of the unit well moistened.

Think of a arse bleach as well, could be just the thing, John.

partyguinness · 09-10-2019 4:59pm

I have found Ralph Lauren Polo jocks rock solid- TKMaxx all the way. Years of wear and not a sign of any holes. Granted they are no longer the pristine black they once were on leaving Hanoi all those years ago but still good. Still give that flattering "well rounded" bulge. Whereas a few M&S jocks of similar vintage are only fit for cleaning the car.

Bullocks · 09-10-2019 5:53pm

partyguinness wrote: »

I have found Ralph Lauren Polo jocks rock solid- TKMaxx all the way. Years of wear and not a sign of any holes. Granted they are no longer the pristine black they once were on leaving Hanoi all those years ago but still good. Still give that flattering "well rounded" bulge. Whereas a few M&S jocks of similar vintage are only fit for cleaning the car.

I'm using the Tokyo Laundry ones out of TK Max , comfortable but not to clingy and snug so damn all sweating when the pressure comes on.
I don't look for too much longevity in jocks anymore, feck the carbon footprint. I like a new 3 pack fairly often and get rid of the other ones as soon as they show signs of wear or getting bally in the wash

wing52 · 09-10-2019 10:28pm

Lads, keep it close to home with "Vedoneire". Utterly soft,yet with a tenacious hold on the "boys".

No swing,dropout or bounce.

Highly absorbent of the horrors that can lurk around them there bits.

Almost scratchproof, but will put up the battle against the "seam ream"when called upon.

Refuses to build up a fent on the hottest summers day

I'm very impressed by them.

Puts others to torn,stained greasy shame.

Hector Savage · 10-10-2019 9:27am

My wife bought this cushion yesterday

.

What the f*ck was she thinking ???
When I pointed the fact that it looks like a giant anus out to her she got pissed off, and now it's all she can see !

Well yeah, I mean ffs!! who designs this crap ???

Hotblack Desiato · 10-10-2019 10:40am

At least it's not pink or brown!!!

EmmetSpiceland · 10-10-2019 10:54am

Wasn’t there a “things that look like arse holes” thread before? Prime candidate there, H.

padd b1975 · 10-10-2019 11:20am

Bullocks wrote: »

I'm using the Tokyo Laundry ones out of TK Max , comfortable but not to clingy and snug so damn all sweating when the pressure comes on.
I don't look for too much longevity in jocks anymore, feck the carbon footprint. I like a new 3 pack fairly often and get rid of the other ones as soon as they show signs of wear or getting bally in the wash

Same here.
Eamonn Ryan can whistle if he thinks any right-minded man who values personal hygiene is going to do any different.

I do the same with duvet covers and pillowcases.

JohnnyFlash · 10-10-2019 12:16pm

wing52 wrote: »

Lads, keep it close to home with "Vedoneire". Utterly soft,yet with a tenacious hold on the "boys".

No swing,dropout or bounce.

Highly absorbent of the horrors that can lurk around them there bits.

Almost scratchproof, but will put up the battle against the "seam ream"when called upon.

Refuses to build up a fent on the hottest summers day

I'm very impressed by them.

Puts others to torn,stained greasy shame.

Vedoneire? You 85 and living in a nursing home, pal?

Utter Consternation · 10-10-2019 2:09pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Wasn’t there a “things that look like arse holes” thread before? Prime candidate there, H.

Was there a picture of you in that thread?

Hmmm...?

Aglomerado · 10-10-2019 2:12pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

At least it's not pink or brown!!!

I would put a strategic blob of Nutella on it

JohnnyFlash · 10-10-2019 2:14pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Was there a picture of you in that thread?

Hmmm...?

Clean ‘headshot’ there UC.

colm_mcm · 10-10-2019 2:18pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Hopefully the contributors to this esteemed senate of debate and intellectual enquiry will forgive me for going off on a bit of a tangent, but something has been bothering me for quite some time.

Has anyone noticed a dramatic decrease in the quality of branded underwear? Usually operate a 10 pair rota - new pair of boxers daily with 3 spare pairs for overnights or emergency changes. So washed once a week. The gusset is giving up on them after about 3 months though - holes developing in the crotch and sump area. Using premium washing powder and conditioner and putting them on a 40 degree wash at 1000 revolutions per minute. All within the standard operating manual.

Now we’re not talking Brendan Bendar specials here - 14 pairs of yellowing briefs routed out from the final reductions bin in Guineys. No, I’m talking premium brands - Pringle, Bjorn Borg, Calvin Klein etc.

Is this yet another sign of the death of quality and the late stages of capitalism? Poor quality cotton won’t last long when in daily contact with the naturally acidic qualities of ball grease and sump oil.

Those brands are all Sports Direct own brands these days. The shame.

EmmetSpiceland · 10-10-2019 2:21pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Was there a picture of you in that thread?

Hmmm...?

A low blow, U.

Not appreciated. We don’t need comments like that dragging down this esteemed “confab” with nasty attacks like that.

Utter Consternation · 10-10-2019 3:25pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

A low blow, U.

Not appreciated. We don’t need comments like that dragging down this esteemed “confab” with nasty attacks like that.

Apologies ES, got a bit worked up there. I had a fish curry last night with half a loaf of brown bread. Feeling a bit bound up today.

Hotblack Desiato · 10-10-2019 5:38pm

Further proof of Johnny's theory. A good deposit will have you feeling like a new man* again, UC.

* Did I just presume your gender? Yeah, yeah I did.

EmmetSpiceland · 10-10-2019 6:00pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Apologies ES, got a bit worked up there. I had a fish curry last night with half a loaf of brown bread. Feeling a bit bound up today.

Apology accepted, U. These things happen. Looking back on it now it was a good “dig”.

The brown bread is a real sly dog. I’ve been eating a bit myself lately. Too much, really. I’ve found that I still have my late night “visit” but my morning/afternoon ones have all but vanished.

The farts are, as I’ve heard said on here, “wojus”. Really stinks, like something died up there. No difficultly in getting out the bolus, itself, but it’s a long smelly day.

Would not like to add any “fish curry” to that mix. Hope you’re holding up well. Or as well as can be.

Voodoomelon · 10-10-2019 10:41pm

Had an awful day yesterday, wasn't arsed getting a proper lunch so dropped into Lidl and picked up two of their sandwiches, egg mayo and a BLT. Nice sandwiches I have to say. But the bread did NOT agree with me; my intolerance to wheat or whatever it is flared up. Was on the drive home from work and the cramps were unbearable, I was genuinely concerned i'd let a squirt out straight into my pants.

Landed the car in the garage arseways, left the door open and jogged as fast as my clenched buttocks would allow down the garden. The cramps with me come and go and like clockwork, as soon as I put the key in the back door, the pain disappeared. Time I thought to get the wood stove lit. No sooner had I the match struck, the cramps returned with vengeance, near dropped a load straight onto the dining room floor. This time it was proper urgent, I ran for the stairs and bundled into the toilet and emptied a constant stream of hot arse chowder into the pan. No time to paper down so the collateral damage wasn't pleasant. As soon as I stood up, the cramps started again and I went for round two.

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

fuerte1976 · 10-10-2019 11:18pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Had an awful day yesterday, wasn't arsed getting a proper lunch so dropped into Lidl and picked up two of their sandwiches, egg mayo and a BLT. Nice sandwiches I have to say. But the bread did NOT agree with me; my intolerance to wheat or whatever it is flared up. Was on the drive home from work and the cramps were unbearable, I was genuinely concerned i'd let a squirt out straight into my pants.

Landed the car in the garage arseways, left the door open and jogged as fast as my clenched buttocks would allow down the garden. The cramps with me come and go and like clockwork, as soon as I put the key in the back door, the pain disappeared. Time I thought to get the wood stove lit. No sooner had I the match struck, the cramps returned with vengeance, near dropped a load straight onto the dining room floor. This time it was proper urgent, I ran for the stairs and bundled into the toilet and emptied a constant stream of hot arse chowder into the pan. No time to paper down so the collateral damage wasn't pleasant. As soon as I stood up, the cramps started again and I went for round two.

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

Splendid commentary. Hope the throbbing hoop has receded!

10-10-2019 11:32pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Had an awful day yesterday, wasn't arsed getting a proper lunch so dropped into Lidl and picked up two of their sandwiches, egg mayo and a BLT. Nice sandwiches I have to say. But the bread did NOT agree with me; my intolerance to wheat or whatever it is flared up. Was on the drive home from work and the cramps were unbearable, I was genuinely concerned i'd let a squirt out straight into my pants.

Landed the car in the garage arseways, left the door open and jogged as fast as my clenched buttocks would allow down the garden. The cramps with me come and go and like clockwork, as soon as I put the key in the back door, the pain disappeared. Time I thought to get the wood stove lit. No sooner had I the match struck, the cramps returned with vengeance, near dropped a load straight onto the dining room floor. This time it was proper urgent, I ran for the stairs and bundled into the toilet and emptied a constant stream of hot arse chowder into the pan. No time to paper down so the collateral damage wasn't pleasant. As soon as I stood up, the cramps started again and I went for round two.

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

Supermarket sandwiches are the work of the devil and should be avoided at all costs. If I were in your shoes I'd chance calling in sick tomorrow and take a long weekend to recuperate. You have to build yourself back up and face next week's gastric challenges head on.

ToddyDoody · 11-10-2019 12:50am

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Further proof of Johnny's theory. A good deposit will have you feeling like a new man* again, UC.

* Did I just presume your gender? Yeah, yeah I did.

One of mine today was very smelly. I wonder do I have a bit of a bug.

Hotblack Desiato · 11-10-2019 1:43am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

I said it to you before Voodoo - not all of this gluten free thing is a fad. There's coeliacs who get sick to f**k if they have a trace of the stuff, and then there's wheat intolerant people who might get away with eating a certain amount, or their tolerance goes down over time. That's what happened to Mrs D, was grand for years and then developed an intolerance.

Go totally gluten free for a few weeks and see how you get on. There are various types of bread out there, some are horrible some are ok. Some decent GF beers. You can drink any cider, wine, or spirits.

I'll bet money your ringpiece will thank you

BTW I'm still eating as much gluten as I ever did. It's perfectly healthy for people who aren't intolerant to it.

Scoundrel · 11-10-2019 10:31am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

Indeed my man I often find that a well maintained hoop can lead to a well maintained mind in these days of increased awareness around mental health I think happy hoop happy head is a good slogan

Utter Consternation · 11-10-2019 11:03am

Scoundrel wrote: »

Indeed my man I often find that a well maintained hoop can lead to a well maintained mind in these days of increased awareness around mental health I think happy hoop happy head is a good slogan

You need to take care of your soul. And your hole.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments