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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

11213151718103

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.

    "Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

    "No," she replied.

    "Then why did you buy so much ****ing bread?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A man walks into a library and asks for a book on pantomimes.

    The librarian says; "They're behind you


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,354 ✭✭✭coldfire1x


    Christian Brothers Against Masturbation:

    Are you addicted to masturbation? Reach out to us and we can beat it together!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 429 ✭✭JimmyMcGill


    What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

    *cough cough*


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

    "How is she?" I said.

    "Very critical," replied the officer.


    "What's she fookin complaining about now?" I asked.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,454 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Gardaí in Limerick pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed NCT'd and insured. It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him €80 for wasting police time."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,898 ✭✭✭✭Ken.


    I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me and squeezed my arse and said "give me your number sexy"

    Have you got a pen I asked

    Yes she replied

    I said, Well you better get back to it before the farmer notices your fücking missing


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,454 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Don't forget the Nathan Carter Christmas Special is on tonight at 9.20 - probably best to turn your TV off at 9.15 in case it starts early.
    On again at 22:40 and 23:40 on +1 :(


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    Should the channel Yesterday +1, not be called Today.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Ted_YNWA wrote: »
    Should the channel Yesterday +1, not be called Today.
    No, it should be called the day before yesterday.
    arú inné :pac:


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  • Site Banned Posts: 4 Singapore Paul


    What's the difference between light and hard?
    YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A LIGHT ON BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH A HARD ON
    What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
    I CAN'T MARMALADE MY COCK UP A GIRL'S ARSE
    What's the difference between an apple and an orange?
    I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AN APPLE BASTARD BEFORE, HAVE YOU?
    Why is the George such a popular pub?
    IT'S THE ONLY PLACE IN IRELAND WHERE YOU CAN ENJOY A PINT AND A FAG AT THE SAME TIME


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,616 ✭✭✭milltown


    Jim Davidson? Is that you?
    What's the difference between light and hard?
    YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A LIGHT ON BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH A HARD ON
    What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
    I CAN'T MARMALADE MY COCK UP A GIRL'S ARSE
    What's the difference between an apple and an orange?
    I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AN APPLE BASTARD BEFORE, HAVE YOU?
    Why is the George such a popular pub?
    IT'S THE ONLY PLACE IN IRELAND WHERE YOU CAN ENJOY A PINT AND A FAG AT THE SAME TIME


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    What's the difference between light and hard?
    YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A LIGHT ON BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH A HARD ON
    What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
    I CAN'T MARMALADE MY COCK UP A GIRL'S ARSE
    What's the difference between an apple and an orange?
    I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AN APPLE BASTARD BEFORE, HAVE YOU?
    Why is the George such a popular pub?
    IT'S THE ONLY PLACE IN IRELAND WHERE YOU CAN ENJOY A PINT AND A FAG AT THE SAME TIME
    There's a difference between simple fun and unnecessary crudity.
    Guess which category this fits into?


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Top Tip : If you're fed up boiling water for pasta, just boil up a couple of gallons at the beginning of the week, then bottle and freeze it, and use it later


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,360 ✭✭✭NollagShona


    As one door closes another one opens.

    Don't think I've built this wardrobe right.


  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A foursome of men at the Golf Course are waiting, while a foursome of women are hitting off from the Tee.

    The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.

    She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.

    She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically

    "I guess all those fookin lessons I took this past winter didn't help".

    One of the men immediately replies;




    "Now, there's your problem lady. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
    The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
    Charlie replied, “Driving to Dublin!”
    The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
    The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
    Charlies says, “I just arrived in Dublin.”
    “Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
    Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?”

    Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Dublin!”


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Sad news from the Nestlactory today.


    A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking.

    He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Who was the guy who played Forrest Gump? Just can’t remember his name, T.hanks.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,454 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife said I don't understand irony..

    Which was ironic, 'cause Dave from next door was just putting his bins out at the time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 555 ✭✭✭bobdcow


    Q: What type of bear has no teeth?

    A: A Gummy Bear!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?














    Halfway!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    A soldier is lying in a field hospital after losing both legs and arms, it is in a tropical warzone and there is no air conditioning.
    He is lying naked on the bed wearing only the bandages, there are some pretty nurses working on the ward and he is getting rather excited!!
    But there are flies walking around the end of his mickey, the nurse comes over and says,
    "shall I shoo them away"

    "no" he says, "just give it a couple of tugs and I'll blow its brains out!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife said, "Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket?"

    I said, "Yes. It's because you were being a nosey ****!"


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,015 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. "Where did you get this from?" asks the expert.

    "It's been in my loft for 40 years. Think it's an heirloom" says Paddy.

    "Do u have insurance?" asks the expert. "No, should I?" asks Paddy.

    "Yeah," says the expert "It's your fückin water tank


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,719 ✭✭✭StupidLikeAFox


    What do you get for the man who has everything?


    Antibiotics


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,380 ✭✭✭✭Professor Moriarty


    Woman texts husband: Windows frozen?

    Husband: Throw some hot water on

    Woman: Computer fúcked now


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My Daughters asked," i hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday?" It's embarrassing.

    I was stunned. bravest thing i've ever heard anyone say to the Wife!!


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Simon is walking along the pier one day when he comes across an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an fictional fishing rod.
    Simon is baffled so he asks, “What are you doing mate?”
    The old man answers, “Fishing for idiots.”
    “Sounds cool,” says Simon. “Can I join you?”
    The old man says, “Of course you can. Sit down here next to me, son.”
    So Simon sits down and casts a fictional rod out.
    Then Simon asks the old man, “So, how many idiots have you caught today, then?”
    The old man replies, “You’re the fourth this morning.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    My trick is that I can swallow a rope,
    I just tie it in my stomach and then pass it out the other end.

    I shiote you knot


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,454 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've heard that boomerangs are making a comeback.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

    She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

    As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"


  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 449 ✭✭Pinesky


    I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child.

    Myles


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child.

    I love my son UPC6jR5dO


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I went for an interview for a job with a blacksmith.

    "Have you ever shoed a horse?" He asked.

    "No", I replied, "but I once told a donkey to get lost".


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?













    Trombones!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,337 ✭✭✭Wombatman


    ROBIN: The Batmobile won't start.
    BATMAN: Did you check the battery?
    ROBIN: What’s a tery?


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,454 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Last night a gunman burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and killed everyone. Victims are yet to be identified.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,454 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Barcelona completed an incredible 865 passes yesterday.

    Liverpool couldn't do that if they bought Gerrard and Carragher out of retirement and put them on Mastermind


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    Ted goes to the doctor suffering badly with a dose of continual flatulence. The doctor asks him to remove his trousers and lie on his side on the exam table.
    Then to Ted's horror the doc produces a a 6ft timber pole.
    "What are you going to do with that?" asks Ted.
    "I'm going to open a window." replies the doctor


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    26239166_2038851056359850_4814446958486878682_n.jpg?oh=8c23f9cc38d755fbfc72964c4728316d&oe=5AB3AA92

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,251 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    de9ca43306fbd984fad0e23ee6e8197de131126e8e21ee8253ac3edc0ce1e79c.jpg?w=600&h=930


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,349 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was driving down the road the other day, when my car broke down.

    Luckily a man stopped in his car and asked if he could help.

    I said,”Are you a Mechanic”?

    He said, “No I’m a Chiropodist”

    “Ok” I said but “Can you give me a Toe”


    giphy.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 202 ✭✭moeblogs


    Started a band recently called 999 megabytes, we haven’t got a gig yet.


  • Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭ballsdeep69


    Any body got any pub jokes


  • Posts: 16,720 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    What did the horse say to the one legged jockey?
    How you getting on?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,733 ✭✭✭Duckworth_Luas


    A sandwich walks into a pub.

    The barman says, "sorry pal, we don't serve food".


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  • Posts: 11,614 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and the barman says "This has to be the start of a joke".


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