The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Should the channel Yesterday +1, not be called Today.

No, it should be called the day before yesterday.
arú inné :pac:

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Dublin!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlies says, “I just arrived in Dublin.”
“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?”

Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Dublin!”

A soldier is lying in a field hospital after losing both legs and arms, it is in a tropical warzone and there is no air conditioning.
He is lying naked on the bed wearing only the bandages, there are some pretty nurses working on the ward and he is getting rather excited!!
But there are flies walking around the end of his mickey, the nurse comes over and says,
"shall I shoo them away"

"no" he says, "just give it a couple of tugs and I'll blow its brains out!"

Simon is walking along the pier one day when he comes across an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an fictional fishing rod.
Simon is baffled so he asks, “What are you doing mate?”
The old man answers, “Fishing for idiots.”
“Sounds cool,” says Simon. “Can I join you?”
The old man says, “Of course you can. Sit down here next to me, son.”
So Simon sits down and casts a fictional rod out.
Then Simon asks the old man, “So, how many idiots have you caught today, then?”
The old man replies, “You’re the fourth this morning.

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child.

What did the horse say to the one legged jockey?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and the barman says "This has to be the start of a joke".