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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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jack presley

A duck walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a pint please and put it on my bill”.

Joeseph Balls

We should start a thread, full of jokes and call it something witty like, the try harder if ye want a second joke thread

YFlyer

See the two lads over there. (As the two Irish lads are looking into the mirror across the room). Mike he looks like your uncle, John he looks like your brother. Lets go over Mike to buy them a pint. Sit down John, I think they are coming over to us.

King George VI

So a Time Traveller walks into a bar.

Barry Badrinath

A man walks into a bar in the west of Ireland and says to the barman: "Which is the quickest way to Ballymac?"

Barman: "Are you walking or do you have a car?"

Man: "I have a car"

Barman:" Ah well then, that´s the quickest way"

Actually....thats an awful joke.

King George VI

The bar tender says ‘We don’t serve Time Travellers in here’

NickNickleby

Horse walks into a bar.

Barman looks up and says : "why the long face?"

Pac1Man

Why are brussel sprouts like pubs?

You just push them aside and carry on eating.

[Deleted User]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and the barman says "This has to be the start of a joke".

Duckworth_Luas

A sandwich walks into a pub.

The barman says, "sorry pal, we don't serve food".

[Deleted User]

What did the horse say to the one legged jockey?

How you getting on?

ballsdeep69

Any body got any pub jokes

moeblogs

Started a band recently called 999 megabytes, we haven’t got a gig yet.

MonkieSocks

I was driving down the road the other day, when my car broke down.

Luckily a man stopped in his car and asked if he could help.

I said,”Are you a Mechanic”?

He said, “No I’m a Chiropodist”

“Ok” I said but “Can you give me a Toe”

bonzodog2

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MonkieSocks

26239166_2038851056359850_4814446958486878682_n.jpg?oh=8c23f9cc38d755fbfc72964c4728316d&oe=5AB3AA92

foxy farmer

Ted goes to the doctor suffering badly with a dose of continual flatulence. The doctor asks him to remove his trousers and lie on his side on the exam table.
Then to Ted's horror the doc produces a a 6ft timber pole.
"What are you going to do with that?" asks Ted.
"I'm going to open a window." replies the doctor

Capt'n Midnight

Barcelona completed an incredible 865 passes yesterday.

Liverpool couldn't do that if they bought Gerrard and Carragher out of retirement and put them on Mastermind

Capt'n Midnight

Last night a gunman burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and killed everyone. Victims are yet to be identified.

Wombatman

ROBIN: The Batmobile won't start.
BATMAN: Did you check the battery?
ROBIN: What’s a tery?

MonkieSocks

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones!

everlast75

I went for an interview for a job with a blacksmith.

"Have you ever shoed a horse?" He asked.

"No", I replied, "but I once told a donkey to get lost".

whiskeyman

Deleted User wrote: »

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my  first child.

I love my son UPC6jR5dO

Pinesky

Deleted User wrote: »

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my  first child.

Myles

[Deleted User]

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my  first child.

7 Seconds...

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Capt'n Midnight

I've heard that boomerangs are making a comeback.

Hagar7

My trick is that I can swallow a rope,
I just tie it in my stomach and then pass it out the other end.

I shiote you knot

[Deleted User]

Simon is walking along the pier one day when he comes across an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an fictional fishing rod.
Simon is baffled so he asks, “What are you doing mate?”
The old man answers, “Fishing for idiots.”
“Sounds cool,” says Simon. “Can I join you?”
The old man says, “Of course you can. Sit down here next to me, son.”
So Simon sits down and casts a fictional rod out.
Then Simon asks the old man, “So, how many idiots have you caught today, then?”
The old man replies, “You’re the fourth this morning.

byrner88

My Daughters asked," i hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday?" It's embarrassing.

I was stunned. bravest thing i've ever heard anyone say to the Wife!!