The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

My wife said I don't understand irony..

Which was ironic, 'cause Dave from next door was just putting his bins out at the time.

bobdcow

Q: What type of bear has no teeth?

A: A Gummy Bear!

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway!

A soldier is lying in a field hospital after losing both legs and arms, it is in a tropical warzone and there is no air conditioning.
He is lying naked on the bed wearing only the bandages, there are some pretty nurses working on the ward and he is getting rather excited!!
But there are flies walking around the end of his mickey, the nurse comes over and says,
"shall I shoo them away"

"no" he says, "just give it a couple of tugs and I'll blow its brains out!"

byrner88

My wife said, "Can you explain to me why I've just found a pair of women's underwear in your coat pocket?"

I said, "Yes. It's because you were being a nosey ****!"

GBX

Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. "Where did you get this from?" asks the expert.

"It's been in my loft for 40 years. Think it's an heirloom" says Paddy.

"Do u have insurance?" asks the expert. "No, should I?" asks Paddy.

"Yeah," says the expert "It's your fückin water tank

StupidLikeAFox

What do you get for the man who has everything?

Antibiotics

Professor Moriarty

Woman texts husband: Windows frozen?

Husband: Throw some hot water on

Woman: Computer fúcked now

byrner88

My Daughters asked," i hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday?" It's embarrassing.

I was stunned. bravest thing i've ever heard anyone say to the Wife!!

Simon is walking along the pier one day when he comes across an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an fictional fishing rod.
Simon is baffled so he asks, “What are you doing mate?”
The old man answers, “Fishing for idiots.”
“Sounds cool,” says Simon. “Can I join you?”
The old man says, “Of course you can. Sit down here next to me, son.”
So Simon sits down and casts a fictional rod out.
Then Simon asks the old man, “So, how many idiots have you caught today, then?”
The old man replies, “You’re the fourth this morning.

Hagar7

My trick is that I can swallow a rope,
I just tie it in my stomach and then pass it out the other end.

I shiote you knot

I've heard that boomerangs are making a comeback.

7 Seconds...

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my  first child.

Pinesky

Deleted User wrote: »

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my  first child.

Myles

whiskeyman

Deleted User wrote: »

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my  first child.

I love my son UPC6jR5dO

everlast75

I went for an interview for a job with a blacksmith.

"Have you ever shoed a horse?" He asked.

"No", I replied, "but I once told a donkey to get lost".

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones!

Wombatman

ROBIN: The Batmobile won't start.
BATMAN: Did you check the battery?
ROBIN: What’s a tery?

Last night a gunman burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and killed everyone. Victims are yet to be identified.

Barcelona completed an incredible 865 passes yesterday.

Liverpool couldn't do that if they bought Gerrard and Carragher out of retirement and put them on Mastermind

foxy farmer

Ted goes to the doctor suffering badly with a dose of continual flatulence. The doctor asks him to remove his trousers and lie on his side on the exam table.
Then to Ted's horror the doc produces a a 6ft timber pole.
"What are you going to do with that?" asks Ted.
"I'm going to open a window." replies the doctor

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bonzodog2

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I was driving down the road the other day, when my car broke down.

Luckily a man stopped in his car and asked if he could help.

I said,”Are you a Mechanic”?

He said, “No I’m a Chiropodist”

“Ok” I said but “Can you give me a Toe”

moeblogs

Started a band recently called 999 megabytes, we haven’t got a gig yet.

ballsdeep69

Any body got any pub jokes

What did the horse say to the one legged jockey?

How you getting on?

Duckworth_Luas

A sandwich walks into a pub.

The barman says, "sorry pal, we don't serve food".