12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

ive witnessed 2 divorces recently of family members and in both cases the husband and wife both were legally allowed to reside in the family home until the divorce was finalised ,even at that it went on for another year until the agreed person bought out their exes part of the home, now obviously you will need professional advice on this. if she stays long term things will get very difficult so bear this in mind as you have been through enough ****e already , good luck with getting on with your life as things will turn around in time

Reading your story, I really feel for you man and can't imagine how terrible it might feel to be betrayed like this.

First things first, you need to prioritise yourself and get your house in order. Forget about dating and all that crap for a while. Just develop a sense of self - as in viewing yourself as a single entity, not like what you've described. Getting busy with hobbies or doing stuff with mates will help enormously here.

Forget about her and what she and that slimeball are up to. She'll get her rude awakening soon enough and by then you'll be long past her.

Big thing to do would be get in touch with a solicitor quick. Try to sort out what could or will happen from the divorce and how to make it as quick and easy as possible (thankfully there are no kids involved here).

Like everyone's said, the next while will be tough, but this is just a chapter in your life which will be gone soon, and like that fella above who's expecting a kid, you'll look back on this some day and be glad you found someone who actually cares about you. Give yourself time, you'll be grand.

You'd be hard pressed not to have a strong degree of sympathy for your plight brother. First things first I hope you're holding up ok in general. I obviously don't know you, but you seem like a decent guy and have made big steps to keep your marriage going.

The important thing for you now is to keep your thoughts in check, and control what you can control. You can't control what your wife is doing, feeling and thinking, but you can ensure that you hold your emotions in check. Even though you've been the wronged party here, you need to make sure you maintain your cool and do the right things here.

I'd recommend speaking to legal representation, at least for advice for the moment. This potentially could be an expensive process depending on what route you take. You want to make sure you make the necessary steps that should it go to courts for potential dividing up of assets and maintenance payments that you're in the best light possible. You mention you've got mutual friends here, so that's another reason to keep your own counsel. The last thing you want is to have to deal with losing face yourself.

Try not to think too far into the future in terms of relying on your wife for being your only option. That quite honestly is not true at all. What's the best for you in this marriage? Continuing on with somebody who has lied to you numerous times, and insults your intelligence by saying she's going to spend a weekend on her own but is really off with this other lad for a few days?! Hardly sounds like a route to fulfillment, happiness and love. Would you be happy to raise children into that environment? It sounds to me like she wants you to end it, probably for her own benefit. Anyone can make a slip, but hers seem quite callous and disrespectful, to the point where it seems she doesn't really care if you know she's off with this other lad for a few days. Whatever your future is, be it in a new relationship, single, or if your marriage can somehow recover, the important thing is to know that you need to check in with yourself and show yourself some respect and value. Your worth more than being somebody can decide to go back to, you need to be somebody's active choice or you need to ensure yourself that it's either that your other half respects you or you yourself are out. If you don't respect yourself then your wife, girlfriend or potential dates won't either.

Her job is of little relevance here, outside of the fact that it's where this other guy works too. I mean as much as she's not coming off well here, she does have a career and profession to think of. Even if she moves jobs it doesn't prevent her from doing the same thing with another colleague in the new place, nor does it stop her from continuing this existing relationship. Asking her to leave is just asking for resentment from her, and shows her that you don't trust her (and rightfully so that you don't!!). It also would make you seem controlling, and you really don't want that against you.

None of us know yourself and your wife so judgments are therefore difficult. For example, we don't know if there was a brewing connection between her and this colleague. They could be madly in love for all we know (as hard as that may be to hear). She could be in crisis and self-destruction mode, resisting the process of her life settling down, keeping the party going that bit longer. She might just have this itch that needs scratching in a physical sense from this chap, something which would settle down when she starts having to go grocery shopping with him and deal with the more mundane aspects of life, rather than the fun, taboo weekends away ****. He could be a toyboy figure for all we know. It sounds like this has been the only serious relationship that both of you have had, and have been with each other since you were very young. That's not a minor detail.

There seems to be some degree of manipulation going on here, keeping you sweet enough to a remain civil. I'm just guessing here, but it sounds like she is the more dominant one in this relationship, but you need to know (and she perhaps needs to know too) that you are the master of your own future, and you know where you're headed. When you're trying to hold on to her it makes you seem like she's on a pedestal, she can make any decision she wants, be it a) stay with safe, dependable you, who cares deeply for her and will take her back at ease or b) keep going with this other lad and potentially carry on indefinitely. When she realises you are potentially taking the safety net away (by subtly suggesting she is not your only hope) she might have a sudden change of heart and be faced with the stark reality of what she's losing. She might of course decide that this other lad is her man, either way you need to know.

This is going to be a **** time for you in the short term. You're left with the reality of coming home to a wife you can't really trust, but in the knowledge that you won't physically be alone, or the alternative that you suddenly lose this person with whom you've developed such a wealth of memories with already and were all set for a long future with, and are left alone. Neither are great, there's no getting away from that. Having said that, some of the loneliest times in my life have been in periods when I've been in relationships or groups of people. You need to take it in short term chunks though, but to back yourself that your future is potentially great, and you'd be willing to contribute towards the happiness of somebody else's future, somebody who loves you back in return.

Godspeed my friend.

I've been there OP and it's heartbreaking,4 years down the line and I'm still far from over it.You've been given excellent advice in the above posts....my two regrets are that I didn't tell friends and family immediately when it happened and that I didn't see a solicitor sooner.

Don't try to discuss the reasons behind it with her,you'll get a different answer every day and she'll probably try a twist it around to being your fault somehow and wreck your head even more.Don't fall for the attempts to reconcile as you can never go back to the relationship that you had and you can't be sure that she's being genuine or stringing you along.
Also tell your friends/family as you need support to get through this.

Best of luck.

joeduffy382 wrote: »

She was fine and has said that she genuinely wanted to go through with the wedding and be with me at the time. This all started after the wedding, literally 3 weeks after the honeymoon was over. This has been the biggest shock for me because of the timing. I've gone from the highest point of my life to the lowest in a matter of weeks.

I found out because she didn't come home until silly o'clock after a work night out. I did some digging the next day in her emails as I knew something felt off. I felt so bad at the time for checking up on her.

Hmmm - The bolded part stood out to me. I'm sorry, but I don't think this started so suddenly after the wedding. It had been brewing a long time before that. The timing is crap, but this was not sudden. Neither would I be surprised if this was the first time your wife has played away. It would just be the first time she's been busted.

The other thing in your post, was the fact she wanted to go through with the wedding. Had there been problems before that?

I just want you to think about the advice we have tried to give you here and look after YOU now, OP. Take care and keep your head up!

he cant just kick her out of the house , she has rights too

Kevin Irving wrote: »

I can't see it lasting, not that it matters to you OP. He'll soon realise that it probably isn't the best long term relationship strategy to stay with a woman who cheated on her husband.

Absolutely. Boyfriend needs to realise if she did FOR him, she'll do it TO him. TBH - He'll probably do a runner when he realises the wife will be HIS bag! The thrill of the chase and all that...

The relationship and marriage is dead and she's not interested in fixing it.

1. Get a solicitor and commence divorce proceedings. If you have proof of her infidelity start gathering it.

2. Stay in the house and insist on her leaving. Perhaps suggest she stay with her new fella from work.

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

Who knows what's coming?

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich wrote: »

It just shows you can never really know anyone and marriage and bloody weddings mean nothing. By the sounds of things you’re still quite young, so you’re certainly not damaged good (lol), and trust me as soon as you ditch this grade A c**t of a woman, which she most certainly is, you can have the time of your life in your 30s. There’s nothing left to salvage here, it’s over. She’ll probably have a change of heart here and there if things don’t turn out to be so great with this new Romeo but you just need to cut her out of your life ASAP.

As for the guy she’s sleeping with, there’s no point blaming him for anything really, he’s not the one who just got married 2 weeks ago and who knows what she’s been telling him. I remember a girl I knew was engaged and spent a night telling me how miserable she was and that she didn’t like her fiancé and didn’t want to go through with the marriage and after a few drinks she launched herself at me and we ended up sleeping with each other. Never saw her again but in time pictures of weddings and babies started appearing on Facebook, lol. I don’t think I did anything wrong there.

That is really weird that you think she is a c#nt, and yet you had sex with an engaged woman.

When it was good for you it was okay?

Hi OP- just wanted to let you know that although I'm sure this is a very dark time for you, there is light at the end of the tunnel. As per a couple of other posters, I went through something similar (10 years together, 1.5 years married). The difference for me was when I discovered her infidelity I immediately knew it was irretrievably over. It was the lying & subterfuge more than anything else that was the deal breaker, I could never trust her again.

On a practical point- If you moving out or her moving out is difficult then you could always do what we did. We had bought a flat, which we put on the market ASAP, but in the meantime I could not face being in the same place as her for any period of time. So we actually put together a calendar rota as to who had the flat for the week/weekend (50/50 split). I spent half my time staying with friends & family & half the time back in the flat. I know this might not be for everybody, but it worked well for me- I was able to get some great support & perspective from all of my friends & family.

Anyhow- I'm waaaaay out the other side now. I had a great time rediscovering myself & realising I wasn't defined by that relationship. I'm now remarried 10 years to a wonderful woman & have 3 beautiful kids. I can now honestly say that discovering my 1st wife's cheating & splitting-up was the best thing to ever happen to me! It certainly didn't feel like it at the time & I had some very dark moments. But if you truly believe in yourself- you will come out of this a stronger & better person. Each day it will get a little easier, honestly. Keep your head-up OP!