12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

joeduffy382

I've been with my girlfriend and now wife since first year in college. We've lived together easily for all of that time and all of our friends are now basically mutual friends. We've bought a house and supported each other in successful careers. She has been my friend, partner and the person that I love and laugh with every day in all that time. We've always both been confident, happy and outgoing people. We have been referred to a few times as a model couple by our mates due to how easy our relationship seemed and how much of life's big steps we have taken successfully. In all of that time, I have never had any reason to doubt or suspect her.

All of that came crashing down 3 weeks after we came back from honeymoon earlier this year. I found out she had slept with a work colleague and spent a weekend in a hotel with him while I was away with my family. I confronted her as soon as I found out and she confessed that she kissed him on a night out and things had spiralled from there. She also says that she has feelings for him and won't consider leaving her job. She also says that unless she knows 100% that we can be fixed that she won't even try. We went to two couples counseling sessions but she said that she felt that she was being cornered so we didn't go back.

That was 8 weeks ago and my entire world has come crashing down around me since then. I'm constantly on the verge of bursting into tears, I didn't sleep for about 6 weeks and haven't been able to do a straight day's work since I found out. My formerly outgoing, confident, optimistic mindset is completely gone

We're still living together, she has piled lies upon lies since then. She said she needed space and time to think and so booked a weekend away for herself. He went with her. I decided at that time that it was beyond rescuing but I can't bring myself to end it. She says that she doesn't know what she wants but that moving job isn't a runner, which for me is a must if we are to have any hope at all. I know that I've contradicted myself in the last two sentences but that's how my mind is working at the moment.

We're drifting through this terrible limbo at the moment where we can be civil to each other and have a laugh about some things and then reality kicks in and I realise how empty my future is. I'm absolutely terrified of being on my own and I'm paralysed by grief at the loss of the future we had in front of us. I know she needs to go but the reality of waking up on my own or coming home to a quiet house is absolutely crippling.

Thanks for reading.

Sunflower 27

What a horrible betrayal for you.

Of course you are in pain and while I understand you think her leaving her job is what's needed, it really isn't. The job isn't the problem, it's her total lack of respect for you and the vows she took.

Even if she leaves her job, do you think you will trust she won't stray again?

Is she even the woman you thought she was?

It might be good for you to go see a counsellor on your own. This is a really difficult time and you do need some support. Take care.

Big Bag of Chips

She's not committed enough to walking away from him and concentrating on your marriage. She is saying unless she's 100% sure that it will work, then she's not willing to try.. that sounds like she's not willing to try. She went to 2 sessions and decided not to to back? If she wanted to fight for your marriage she would fight. She's not that bothered. If she was serious about your marriage leaving her job would be priority No 1, but she refuses. She wants a weekend on her own, in a hotel... Before I even read the next bit I knew she wasn't going alone.

I'm so so sorry but it sounds like she has already left your relationship. Of course she will lie. And she will continue to lie. That's what will hurt more than the actual cheating. The fact that she will stand in front of you and bareface lie to you. Knowing that you know she is lying, but persisting anyway.

You can't make this work. Not alone. And it sounds like she's not interested in working with you.

It's tough. It's heartbreaking and you will have to grieve for the end of this relationship. Take your time. There's no rush yet to make decisions and ultimatums. But I would suggest finding 1 person. 1 person you trust to talk to. You need to talk to someone.

It sounds like she's not coming back. Maybe when you make moves towards ending the relationship and people figure out why, she might be shocked back to reality (she might not) but if she does at that point, it's your choice what you do. You will make whatever decisions are right for you along the way.

My heart breaks for you. This is going to be a very long (very long), very upsetting road for you.

MissShihTzu

You poor thing! But you have to be brave here. First things first - Are you eating and sleeping? Get a couple of days off if you can, get some Kalms (or similar), and get some food and kip! You need your wits about you now...

If you are certain it's over, the first thing you need to do is to get some legal advice. AFAIK, you will have to wait out the 4 years for divorce,I'm afraid as I assume you cannot get an annulment.

I'm sorry to say, I think your wife has already checked out of the relationship. She wants time and space and books a weekend away with her bloke? Some time and space my eye! I don't think she is showing any respect for you and your feelings. She feels cornered, and won't even try unless she is 100% sure your marriage can be fixed? When would that be? It's not very nice of her to keep you dangling whilst she has her fun.

You need to sit down and really TALK to her about what she wants. Lay your cards on the table, and tell her what you want.

I would also look to sell the house. Whatever happens, the house will need to be sold, IMO. Too many bad memories. If you make it together, then buy another property to make nicer memories in.

Get some counselling for yourself too. Your wife doesn't need to go with you. Get your head and your **** together, then you can go from there.

Look after yourself!

ETA: How were things before the wedding? Did you have any clue as to what was happening? What was your wife like before? How did you find out??

joeduffy382

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

doitlikeadude

Christ on a bike, man for your own sanity please leave. If she was full of remorse I would ask you to think it out. But she's flaunting it in front of your face. To me, it sounds like she doesn't want it to work out between you. But maybe the shame of her having an affair and you both breaking up is something on her mind. Look after you

Edit: As always Big Bag talks a lot of sense. I would take that in to consideration and hopefully you have someone you can confide in

MissShihTzu

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

You're still a young man! You are NOT damaged goods. You're simply a guy who has had his heart broken. You will find someone else who will love you and treat you with respect. It'll hurt now, but believe me - It will pass, you will slowly feel better and you can forge ahead with your life.

joeduffy382

MissShihTzu wrote: »

You poor thing! But you have to be brave here. First things first - Are you eating and sleeping?

ETA: How were things before the wedding? Did you have any clue as to what was happening? What was your wife like before? How did you find out??

Yes, I've started to eat and sleep relatively normally now. I'm still waking up with cold sweats sometimes and I've been having terrible nightmares but for the first few weeks I was only sleeping for an hour or two at most.

She was fine and has said that she genuinely wanted to go through with the wedding and be with me at the time. This all started after the wedding, literally 3 weeks after the honeymoon was over. This has been the biggest shock for me because of the timing. I've gone from the highest point of my life to the lowest in a matter of weeks.

I found out because she didn't come home until silly o'clock after a work night out. I did some digging the next day in her emails as I knew something felt off. I felt so bad at the time for checking up on her.

Sunflower 27

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

I think you need to be kind to yourself. Almost your entire adulthood has been shared with this woman, of course there is fear and uncertainty about going it alone.

You are grieving what was, as well as what could have been, and also fear what lies ahead. All of these are completely natural feelings.

It may help to try and look at the future in the short term, so, day to day, week to week, if the future as a whole seems daunting.

Your heart is broken, you are in pain but this not a permanent state of being. You will grow from this experience, you will learn to cope. The fact you have gone to a counsellor indicates you want to get through this and that is positive.

Believe in yourself, that you will work through this pain and your future is one of hope and, down the line, happier times again.

jk23

She has no respect for you. The way she is treating you is terrible. You are lucky you found out before you had kids.

joeduffy382

Thanks again for the replies.

I know that in a way I'm lucky I found out now but it is so completely out of character for her that part of me thinks that she is having some sort of early mid life crisis at the thought of being married and settled. I've not been telling anyone to protect her and our reputation in the hope that it can come right.

She was the most kind, caring and compassionate person up to this. Would go out of her way to help a stranger and always had a smile on her face. Even now, I know I'm making excuses and defending her against this criticism, I'm really struggling to see the actions she has taken and the person that I knew as one and the same.

I can be angry at him but I'm struggling to be angry at her even though I know she has pursued it. Again, I know that doesn't seem to tally with how I should be reacting. I've thought about showing up at their office, not to batter him or anything but just to rattle them. But then I play out the scenario and know that it ends in humiliation for me.

doitlikeadude

You're right, I would not turn up at their office for a showdown to be honest. It's all well and good in soap operas but can't see the benefit of it in real life.

Deep down we all like to think we're good people, I'm sure your wife did until her head was turned. Do you know if he's with someone?

joeduffy382

doitlikeadude wrote: »

Deep down we all like to think we're good people, I'm sure your wife did until her head was turned. Do you know if he's with someone?

No, he's single. She had actually told me about him before, months ago, about how he was coming out of a long term relationship. They've worked together for 2 years. I do believe that this only started recently.

I really have a desire to talk to him though to bring some sort of reckoning to his door as he's completely scot free at the moment and that irritates me no end. There's no equity in it.

I really regret not blowing this up in their faces the day I found out. But then, there was probably no "correct" move to make. I'll probably doubt everything I've done since I found out forever.

sozbox

joeduffy382 wrote: »

But then, there was probably no "correct" move to make.

This thread breaks my heart. The correct move is to throw her out of the house and break off all contact with her while you work on building some self respect.

You have so much of your identity and ego invested into her and your relationship that it's categorically unhealthy. You should have only one concern right now..YOU.

Taking her back after this will only show her that her cheating has absolutely no consequences and it will continue. You have an opportunity now for a better future, please take it.

And stop blaming him, he's single, he didn't take any vows of fidelity or commitment to anyone, your wife did. But she threw them out the window and decided to spend a dirty weekend in a hotel with him. If anyone here is at fault...

You will get over this, you will meet other women, you will be happy again.

joeduffy382

sozbox wrote: »

This thread breaks my heart. The correct move is to throw her out of the house and break off all contact with her while you work on building some self respect.

You have so much of your identity and ego invested into her and your relationship that it's categorically unhealthy. You should have only one concern right now..YOU.

Taking her back after this will only show her that her cheating has absolutely no consequences and it will continue. You have an opportunity now for a better future, please take it.

You will get over this, you will meet other women, you will be happy again.

Thanks. I know that is the correct move but I feel like I'll be left with nothing in my life. I have my own personality and was happy to spend time apart previously, comfortable in the knowledge that the foundations of my life were intact and I had someone who cared for me.

I have plenty of friends but they're friends and have their own relationships and marriages. We've gone past the big night out on the tear phase of our lives. It's been about weddings, barbecues, weekends away with other couples and planning getaways for ourselves.

I don't even want to think about replacing that with swiping right and trying to prove myself to someone new.

sozbox

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thanks. I know that is the correct move but I feel like I'll be left with nothing in my life. I have my own personality and was happy to spend time apart previously, comfortable in the knowledge that the foundations of my life were intact and I had someone who cared for me.

I have plenty of friends but they're friends and have their own relationships and marriages. We've gone past the big night out on the tear phase of our lives. It's been about weddings, barbecues, weekends away with other couples and planning getaways for ourselves.

I don't even want to think about replacing that with swiping right and trying to prove myself to someone new.

There's a lot to unwrap here.

Your entire identify is based on being in a relationship. This is not healthy. You equate your life with your relationship. I get that 12 years is a looonngg time but you need to start focusing on yourself and your happiness if you are ever to recover.


WHEN you leave this woman you'll be left with the absolute freedom to build yourself into someone that can be happy alone or otherwise. Your fear of being alone is holding you back and allowing you to rationalise her behaviour.

But which is worse? Being alone yourself or being alone in a relationship with a woman who's out ****ing work mates every second weekend? I know which 'loneliness' I'd choose.

Don't lie to yourself because it's comfortable, there is no going back to your fantasy perfect relationship after this. It's over. Accept it. I know it's hard.

There are billions of women out there. You don't have to jump onto Tinder right away, take your time, take a few years if you need them. It's going to be ok.

Big Bag of Chips

Meeting someone else shouldn't even be a consideration for you at this stage. It's far too soon for even mentioning that. For now you have to deal with what's in front of you. And again, there's no rush. Life isn't a soap opera where everything gets wrapped up and moves on in a few episodes. This is going to go on, and on.

I understand the reason for wanting to be loyal to her, and not wanting people to think bad of her. That is completely normal. As is one minute deciding it has to end and then swinging back to not being able to. You love her. Your whole adult life has been her. You never intended on being in a position where you'd ever have to swipe left or right!

Take your time. You do need someone though. You can't be strong alone forever. I'm glad you're going to counselling. And yes, he may be telling you what you need to do, and of course you know what you should do, but knowing and doing are very very separate situations when it comes to these situations.

sozbox

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You do need someone though.

This kind of language is why people end up in miserable, co-dependnet relationships.

You don't NEED someone to be happy. Your mindset should be of CHOOSING a person to be with, a person who is right for you.

Getting into or staying in a relationship because you think you NEED to or the you'll never find someone again is a recipe for a wasted life.

Ursus Horribilis

I think BBOC was suggesting the OP needs to talk to someone, rather than go straight into another relationship?

kirving

sozbox wrote: »

And stop blaming him, he's single, he didn't take any vows of fidelity or commitment to anyone, your wife did. But she threw them out the window and decided to spend a dirty weekend in a hotel with him. If anyone here is at fault...

He didn't take any vows, correct. He's still an absolute wanker who's actions shouldn't be downplayed. He knew she was married.

I can't see it lasting, not that it matters to you OP. He'll soon realise that it probably isn't the best long term relationship strategy to stay with a woman who cheated on her husband.

Whatever you do OP, do not leave the house, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. It's her problem to find other arrangements. She needs to be gone sooner rather than later, this wasn't a once off.

sozbox

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think BBOC was suggesting the OP needs to talk to someone, rather than go straight into another relationship?

haha well that I agree with

Ursus Horribilis

I think you and your wife run the risk of staying together for all the wrong reasons. You've based an awful lot of your self-identity on being in a relationship. It's interesting that even as your marriage is falling apart, you're musing on how future women might view you. I get that you're terrified of living on your own and of living the life of a single man. It's not the life you want for yourself but it's not as hellish as you think it will be. It'll be different but you'll be fine. Regardless of what happens next, you will never go back to the way you were before you found out what she was doing.

If your wife leaves the house, she's going to find herself facing into some harsh realities. The most immediate being where she's going to live. Nobody who has lived with their other half for years is going to enjoy moving home to the parents, house-sharing or paying extortionate rent on a place of their own. I wouldn't be so sure loverboy will stick around either. So where does that leave her then? Be very wary if she decides to give things another go.

Big Bag of Chips

Thanks Ursus, that's exactly what I meant. You need somebody to confide in. You can't continue indefinitely carrying all this, and trying to pretend to family and friends that all is fine. That's why you need to pick one trusted person. One person who will listen, and even if they do judge her, they won't bitch about her to you. One person who will listen and take your lead on how to react.

Another relationship/single life forever shouldn't even be a consideration at this point.

helimachoptor

Appreciate you dont want to get this out in the open, but airing it out with a close friend may just help you.

Agree with the above, she's checked out and not bothered about your marriage.
Sell the house, it'll go quickly anyway.

Find somewhere else to live. You could maybe look at an annulment rather than a divorce. You are not damaged good ,this type of stuff is more common than you think.

Best of luck Op

dellas1979

The practical side:

Well, first of all, dont leave the marital home. For legal reasons.

If anyone needs to leave, she needs to.

All this needs to be documented also, as much as possile, so Id get any emails I could.

Emotional side:
Boi, youve gotton some shock. You are clearly still in shock.
You didnt do anything wrong, so be kind to yourself during this awful time. Youre getting a sleep and eating routine back, which is excellent. There will be days, and moments of days, when of course youll feel like youre going insane. Its all perfectly normal.

She is having her cake and eating it right now. And the time should be coming where you make the shots.

You will, without doubt when the pain fades a little, start to realise that you wont be able to trust her again. And is this a life you want for yourself.

I 100000% believe in this case that it was a "grass is greener" thing for her. And boi God she will be back in a second once she realises the grass indeed wasnt greener at all.

GreeBo

OP I broke up with my partner after 13 years, pretty much the exact same, started from 2nd year of college, we were living together 4 years at that stage.

That was 5 years ago and Im now 2 years happily married with a baby on the way in 5 weeks (panic!)

You are at your lowest ebb now so the future will naturally seem very empty without her.

Trust me when I say that it will get better and you are not at all damaged goods.

My scenario was very different but in the end I moved out as my family home was nearby. This dragged things out for 2 years and really it should have all been sorted as quickly as possible. I second the advice that you need to get legal advice and seriously consider selling the house, either to her or just get it on the market.

She sounds like marriage has given her a kick up the arse and she now has itchy feet, it may well be that you leaving her and selling the house will panic her and she might realise that what she had with you was worth an awful lot more than this fling....but to my mind she has crossed several lines that cannot be uncrossed and you need to end it, for your own sake and to allow yourself to start to move on.

By all means grieve for the relationship, but dont grieve for her, she is not who she used to be, you need to separate your memories of the relationship from the reality of how she has and is continuing to treat you.

Best of luck.

Arrival

I just don't understand how someone can cheat on a person, let alone on a person they stood on an alter in front of their closest family and friends and gave life vows to. Like this is the closest person to you in the world, if you're not going to be loyal and honourable to them then who are you going to be to? It's ridiculous, just blows my mind. And then the lad actually sleeping with her; is he really so pathetic with women that he can't control himself around a married one and find someone free? What does he realistically expect to come of it, to enter a lasting relationship with a woman who was willing to cheat on her husband? That thought should always be on his mind while with her and if it was purely just for sex on his side then that's even worse because only a twisted sociopath would look to just have sex with a married person.

I really don't understand how people can be so weak and ****ty, absolute cowards. The main thing is that you need to accept that this is the end of it all, OP. You're going to go through agony but you need to tell absolutely everyone the complete truth because trust me the more people know the better it is for you as they'll be far more sympathetic and you'll receive a bigger support group which you badly need to cope with such a traumatic event as a marriage ending. A positive is that in time you'll be completely free to rediscover yourself and find passions that make you genuinely happy which you've definitely been missing out on.

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich

It just shows you can never really know anyone and marriage and bloody weddings mean nothing. By the sounds of things you’re still quite young, so you’re certainly not damaged good (lol), and trust me as soon as you ditch this grade A c**t of a woman, which she most certainly is, you can have the time of your life in your 30s. There’s nothing left to salvage here, it’s over. She’ll probably have a change of heart here and there if things don’t turn out to be so great with this new Romeo but you just need to cut her out of your life ASAP.

As for the guy she’s sleeping with, there’s no point blaming him for anything really, he’s not the one who just got married 2 weeks ago and who knows what she’s been telling him. I remember a girl I knew was engaged and spent a night telling me how miserable she was and that she didn’t like her fiancé and didn’t want to go through with the marriage and after a few drinks she launched herself at me and we ended up sleeping with each other. Never saw her again but in time pictures of weddings and babies started appearing on Facebook, lol. I don’t think I did anything wrong there.

uberwolf

dellas1979 wrote: »

The practical side:

Well, first of all, dont leave the marital home. For legal reasons.

If anyone needs to leave, she needs to.

All this needs to be documented also, as much as possile, so Id get any emails I could.

all of this. It's the cold reality, but actions now could have real practical implications for you as this unwinds.

Arrival

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich wrote: »

It just shows you can never really know anyone and marriage and bloody weddings mean nothing. By the sounds of things you’re still quite young, so you’re certainly not damaged good (lol), and trust me as soon as you ditch this grade A c**t of a woman, which she most certainly is, you can have the time of your life in your 30s. There’s nothing left to salvage here, it’s over. She’ll probably have a change of heart here and there if things don’t turn out to be so great with this new Romeo but you just need to cut her out of your life ASAP.

As for the guy she’s sleeping with, there’s no point blaming him for anything really, he’s not the one who just got married 2 weeks ago and who knows what she’s been telling him. I remember a girl I knew was engaged and spent a night telling me how miserable she was and that she didn’t like her fiancé and didn’t want to go through with the marriage and after a few drinks she launched herself at me and we ended up sleeping with each other. Never saw her again but in time pictures of weddings and babies started appearing on Facebook, lol. I don’t think I did anything wrong there.

You definitely did something very wrong there if you knew about her being with someone. I've literally walked away from girls flirting with me as soon as I found out they had boyfriends, there are too many single girls available to meet to be condoning disgusting behaviour of those type of sluts and inflicting such pain on their partners. You're trying to justify your weak morals. If you had a girlfriend wouldn't it hurt you a lot to know she cheated on you? She wouldn't be able to if another guy didn't enable her **** decision. To clarify though, the huge majority of the blame of course lies with the partner doing the cheating as they're the ones in a relationship

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note

Posters are reminded to stay on topic - advising the OP on his situation. Please do not let this thread turn into a discussion irrelevant to his specific personal issue.

joeduffy382

Thanks again to everyone who has posted.

@Greebo - I'm sorry that you had to go through this as well but it does give me some encouragement to see that you are coming out the far side on a positive note. Best of luck with your new arrival!!

A few people have commented that a lot of my identity may be wrapped up in being in a relationship. It's made me question that and while it may look like that from the outside, I am my own person.

I do, however, want to have someone to share my life with. I am very sociable and am not someone who prefers my own company. I've also spent my entire adult life having someone to confide my hopes and fears in. I'm also really, really missing the tactile side of the relationship. The touch on the back when she walks past or the hug before work in the morning, I feel like I'm a ghost sometimes.

I spent last night and this morning on my own and the silence is absolutely terrible. I'll get back into some hobbies that I have left slip but it's going to feel very artificial, like I'm just filling time for the sake of it.

Again, thanks to everyone who is offering support and advice. I am reading all of your messages and it helps to know that there are people out there who are taking the time to offer their opinion and experience.

Big Bag of Chips

joeduffy382 wrote: »

I'll get back into some hobbies that I have left slip but it's going to feel very artificial, like I'm just filling time for the sake of it.

That's perfectly normal! It IS artifical, in a way. You are filling time just for the sake it. Your life and everything you had planned and thought might happen is now changing. So you are going to have to adapt to that. And for a while it will feel forced. But only for a while. And then after a while it will become something you're looking forward to. And it'll widen your social circle. Everything you are feeling is 100% normal. And the awkwardness and "artificial" feeling as you describe it is also 100% normal. But in time things will be less awkward and less artificial.

Trust your friends to want to be there for you. Think if it was one of your friends in similar circumstances, would you want them to deal with it on their own, or would you hope they trusted you enough to be able to confide in you.

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich

joeduffy382 wrote: »

I do, however, want to have someone to share my life with. I am very sociable and am not someone who prefers my own company.

Being sociable does not equate having a partner. If you sort yourself out, and it may take a few years, you wont care if you have a partner or not, and if you meet someone they'll be a bonus to your life. There's far more to life than relationships.

Neyite

This kind of betrayal is a bereavement of sorts and certainly can hurt as much as if not more than a bereavement loss because on top of losing the person you knew, you know that it's their choice to hurt you this way.

So you are reeling and in shock the same way someone would be if their partner dropped dead. You'll go through the motions artificially with different distractions while your emotions and feelings are pulling you in the other direction. But it gradually stops feeling false, stops feeling so raw and you look back and see how far you've come.

So do what helps - it might be distracting yourself with a hobby, or it might be about severing the legal connection between you, such as researching an annulment or obtaining a legal separation, and seeking legal advice on shared assets. Continue with counselling, talk to friends and tell them you are separating and why and let them support you.

You can't get over her if she's still there and it's not fair for her to manipulate you on that while she takes her time deciding between the two of you, or keeping you waiting in the wings until she sees whether or not this new guy is a keeper for her. Make the decision for her and call it a day for your sake, for your own mental health. Don't let her selfishly drag this out on you.

shafty100

ive witnessed 2 divorces recently of family members and in both cases the husband and wife both were legally allowed to reside in the family home until the divorce was finalised ,even at that it went on for another year until the agreed person bought out their exes part of the home, now obviously you will need professional advice on this. if she stays long term things will get very difficult so bear this in mind as you have been through enough ****e already , good luck with getting on with your life as things will turn around in time

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich

The job has nothing to do with anything

MightyMandarin

Reading your story, I really feel for you man and can't imagine how terrible it might feel to be betrayed like this.

First things first, you need to prioritise yourself and get your house in order. Forget about dating and all that crap for a while. Just develop a sense of self - as in viewing yourself as a single entity, not like what you've described. Getting busy with hobbies or doing stuff with mates will help enormously here.

Forget about her and what she and that slimeball are up to. She'll get her rude awakening soon enough and by then you'll be long past her.

Big thing to do would be get in touch with a solicitor quick. Try to sort out what could or will happen from the divorce and how to make it as quick and easy as possible (thankfully there are no kids involved here).

Like everyone's said, the next while will be tough, but this is just a chapter in your life which will be gone soon, and like that fella above who's expecting a kid, you'll look back on this some day and be glad you found someone who actually cares about you. Give yourself time, you'll be grand.

Zeus2017

OP, many years ago I was in a quiet similar situation. My wife had an affair with our childminders 20 year old son. She made no apology for this, but rather insisted she wanted to consider her options and was not sure she wanted to be with me. We had very young children, I had just lost a parent and I was totally Devastated, just like you are now.

I couldn't eat or sleep, but had to keep up a pretence for our children. She continued to see this other man/boy and I endlessly tried to win her back.

We did stay together, but I lost most of my dignity and self respect. Even though we stayed together, any real love effectively ended. We are content Together I guess, but honestly part of me died and our relationship never recovered, so intent was I in trying to keep it together. I have never told my now adult children what happened, in retrospect I wish I had been braver and confronted rather than try to mend. I thought things would get better, they never really did.

So, in short, don't do as I did and seek to maintain that which had been broken, keep your dignity and self respect- accept that your relationship has been fatally wounded and seek to end it, painful and all as that may be.

ligerdub

You'd be hard pressed not to have a strong degree of sympathy for your plight brother. First things first I hope you're holding up ok in general. I obviously don't know you, but you seem like a decent guy and have made big steps to keep your marriage going.

The important thing for you now is to keep your thoughts in check, and control what you can control. You can't control what your wife is doing, feeling and thinking, but you can ensure that you hold your emotions in check. Even though you've been the wronged party here, you need to make sure you maintain your cool and do the right things here.

I'd recommend speaking to legal representation, at least for advice for the moment. This potentially could be an expensive process depending on what route you take. You want to make sure you make the necessary steps that should it go to courts for potential dividing up of assets and maintenance payments that you're in the best light possible. You mention you've got mutual friends here, so that's another reason to keep your own counsel. The last thing you want is to have to deal with losing face yourself.

Try not to think too far into the future in terms of relying on your wife for being your only option. That quite honestly is not true at all. What's the best for you in this marriage? Continuing on with somebody who has lied to you numerous times, and insults your intelligence by saying she's going to spend a weekend on her own but is really off with this other lad for a few days?! Hardly sounds like a route to fulfillment, happiness and love. Would you be happy to raise children into that environment? It sounds to me like she wants you to end it, probably for her own benefit. Anyone can make a slip, but hers seem quite callous and disrespectful, to the point where it seems she doesn't really care if you know she's off with this other lad for a few days. Whatever your future is, be it in a new relationship, single, or if your marriage can somehow recover, the important thing is to know that you need to check in with yourself and show yourself some respect and value. Your worth more than being somebody can decide to go back to, you need to be somebody's active choice or you need to ensure yourself that it's either that your other half respects you or you yourself are out. If you don't respect yourself then your wife, girlfriend or potential dates won't either.

Her job is of little relevance here, outside of the fact that it's where this other guy works too. I mean as much as she's not coming off well here, she does have a career and profession to think of. Even if she moves jobs it doesn't prevent her from doing the same thing with another colleague in the new place, nor does it stop her from continuing this existing relationship. Asking her to leave is just asking for resentment from her, and shows her that you don't trust her (and rightfully so that you don't!!). It also would make you seem controlling, and you really don't want that against you.

None of us know yourself and your wife so judgments are therefore difficult. For example, we don't know if there was a brewing connection between her and this colleague. They could be madly in love for all we know (as hard as that may be to hear). She could be in crisis and self-destruction mode, resisting the process of her life settling down, keeping the party going that bit longer. She might just have this itch that needs scratching in a physical sense from this chap, something which would settle down when she starts having to go grocery shopping with him and deal with the more mundane aspects of life, rather than the fun, taboo weekends away ****. He could be a toyboy figure for all we know. It sounds like this has been the only serious relationship that both of you have had, and have been with each other since you were very young. That's not a minor detail.

There seems to be some degree of manipulation going on here, keeping you sweet enough to a remain civil. I'm just guessing here, but it sounds like she is the more dominant one in this relationship, but you need to know (and she perhaps needs to know too) that you are the master of your own future, and you know where you're headed. When you're trying to hold on to her it makes you seem like she's on a pedestal, she can make any decision she wants, be it a) stay with safe, dependable you, who cares deeply for her and will take her back at ease or b) keep going with this other lad and potentially carry on indefinitely. When she realises you are potentially taking the safety net away (by subtly suggesting she is not your only hope) she might have a sudden change of heart and be faced with the stark reality of what she's losing. She might of course decide that this other lad is her man, either way you need to know.

This is going to be a **** time for you in the short term. You're left with the reality of coming home to a wife you can't really trust, but in the knowledge that you won't physically be alone, or the alternative that you suddenly lose this person with whom you've developed such a wealth of memories with already and were all set for a long future with, and are left alone. Neither are great, there's no getting away from that. Having said that, some of the loneliest times in my life have been in periods when I've been in relationships or groups of people. You need to take it in short term chunks though, but to back yourself that your future is potentially great, and you'd be willing to contribute towards the happiness of somebody else's future, somebody who loves you back in return.

Godspeed my friend.

CrankyHaus

As a vehicle of mutual respect your relationship is dead. In fact given her lack of contrition I'd be suspicious this gentleman caller isn't the first one.

Be grateful this happened before you had any kids. You dodged a huge bullet.

You're still young.
You're far from damaged goods.
Men do their best pulling in their 30s.

Seek legal advice. Make a plan for what to do with the house. Harden yourself against the inevitable insincere attempt at reconciliation that will ensue once she realises how badly she's F-ed up. Remember that having children with an adulterer will be a disaster and entirely unfair on the children.

Colser

I've been there OP and it's heartbreaking,4 years down the line and I'm still far from over it.You've been given excellent advice in the above posts....my two regrets are that I didn't tell friends and family immediately when it happened and that I didn't see a solicitor sooner.

Don't try to discuss the reasons behind it with her,you'll get a different answer every day and she'll probably try a twist it around to being your fault somehow and wreck your head even more.Don't fall for the attempts to reconcile as you can never go back to the relationship that you had and you can't be sure that she's being genuine or stringing you along.
Also tell your friends/family as you need support to get through this.

Best of luck.

4Ad

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thanks again to everyone who has posted.

@Greebo - I'm sorry that you had to go through this as well but it does give me some encouragement to see that you are coming out the far side on a positive note. Best of luck with your new arrival!!

A few people have commented that a lot of my identity may be wrapped up in being in a relationship. It's made me question that and while it may look like that from the outside, I am my own person.

I do, however, want to have someone to share my life with. I am very sociable and am not someone who prefers my own company. I've also spent my entire adult life having someone to confide my hopes and fears in. I'm also really, really missing the tactile side of the relationship. The touch on the back when she walks past or the hug before work in the morning, I feel like I'm a ghost sometimes.

I spent last night and this morning on my own and the silence is absolutely terrible. I'll get back into some hobbies that I have left slip but it's going to feel very artificial, like I'm just filling time for the sake of it.

Again, thanks to everyone who is offering support and advice. I am reading all of your messages and it helps to know that there are people out there who are taking the time to offer their opinion and experience.

PM sent.

MissShihTzu

joeduffy382 wrote: »

She was fine and has said that she genuinely wanted to go through with the wedding and be with me at the time. This all started after the wedding, literally 3 weeks after the honeymoon was over. This has been the biggest shock for me because of the timing. I've gone from the highest point of my life to the lowest in a matter of weeks.

I found out because she didn't come home until silly o'clock after a work night out. I did some digging the next day in her emails as I knew something felt off. I felt so bad at the time for checking up on her.

Hmmm - The bolded part stood out to me. I'm sorry, but I don't think this started so suddenly after the wedding. It had been brewing a long time before that. The timing is crap, but this was not sudden. Neither would I be surprised if this was the first time your wife has played away. It would just be the first time she's been busted.

The other thing in your post, was the fact she wanted to go through with the wedding. Had there been problems before that?

I just want you to think about the advice we have tried to give you here and look after YOU now, OP. Take care and keep your head up!

Neyite

4Ad wrote: »

PM sent.

Mod:

PM's to users of PI is strictly forbidden - for your safety and theirs.

shafty100

he cant just kick her out of the house , she has rights too

rainbowtrout

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Hmmm - The bolded part stood out to me. I'm sorry, but I don't think this started so suddenly after the wedding. It had been brewing a long time before that. The timing is crap, but this was not sudden. Neither would I be surprised if this was the first time your wife has played away. It would just be the first time she's been busted.

The other thing in your post, was the fact she wanted to go through with the wedding. Had there been problems before that?

I just want you to think about the advice we have tried to give you here and look after YOU now, OP. Take care and keep your head up!

That struck me too. While it's a generalisation, three weeks after the honeymoon is very soon, I'd imagine you would be still on a bit of a wedding/honeymoon buzz at that point and the whole husband and wife thing is a novelty, even if you have been together for that long. I can't imagine why someone would come back off their honeymoon if they were that happy and start cheating on their new husband.

I would wonder OP, if you have been given the full facts, or just what she thinks she has to tell you to get you off her back. You have my fullest sympathy, but you need to get rid of her and start getting your life on a new track. She's just playing you at the moment and deciding what her options are. She is the one who has cheated, she doesn't get to choose whether she gets to be with you or not.

MissShihTzu

Kevin Irving wrote: »

I can't see it lasting, not that it matters to you OP. He'll soon realise that it probably isn't the best long term relationship strategy to stay with a woman who cheated on her husband.

Absolutely. Boyfriend needs to realise if she did FOR him, she'll do it TO him. TBH - He'll probably do a runner when he realises the wife will be HIS bag! The thrill of the chase and all that...

ginandtonicsky

joeduffy382 wrote: »

She also says that unless she knows 100% that we can be fixed that she won't even try.

What does this even mean? Nothing in life is 100%. If we all took this attitude, nothing would get done. The world would stop spinning. This is a total copout on her part and completely summarises her attitude towards you and towards your marriage.

She's behaving like a petulant child tbh. Stopping the counselling because someone was calling her on her actions. Fecking off to get "space" i.e LAID with her fella when she should've been nursing your marriage back to good health if she gave half a crap about you.

OP, you sound like a wonderful, loyal, caring man and a total catch, this woman does not deserve you. I know in your mind she's this fantastic person that is having some sort of personal crisis, but it's glaringly obvious to most of us here that this has been bubbling below the surface for long before three weeks after your honeymoon and has probably been going on for much longer than you'll ever know. If she can do this in the early honeymoon period of your marriage, to the person she stood across from on an alter and promised the world to a few weeks previous, and won't even take some very basic steps to salvage your relationship - how is this a woman worth committing your life to?

Actions speak louder than words, and this woman's actions are deplorable and most decent people with integrity wouldn't be capable of them. She doesn't love you and she doesn't care about you and being anywhere near her is going to be toxic for you from now on.

I know you're scared of being alone and I understand how powerful that is. You've not known it for most of your adult life. The thing is, you'll be more alone emotionally and more lonely than you can possibly imagine if you stay with your "wife."

Being on your own post-break up takes some adjusting. It will leave you with many difficult moments, seeing that empty side of the bed, not having that hand to hold, the shoulder to cry on, someone to share your day with, the life you had planned snatched from under your feet. It's hard, very hard, initially.

But time is an incredible thing OP. Life moves on and you learn to move with it. I'm now about a year post-breakup out of a long-term relationship which absolutely gutted me to my core. I had darker days than I could ever have imagined I'd have. But I smile and laugh all the time now. I noticed recently that the thought of him no longer brings unexpected tears, I smile at sad songs because I fully understand the sentiment now, but get that that's just life too. Heartbreak is something most of us go through.

I love flirting and I love male attention now, dating, meeting new people and not knowing where things will go. I'd like to meet someone again, but the panic of being on my own doesn't exist anymore because jesus was I alone in those last few months of our relationship. The waste and pain of being with the wrong person is not something i'd ever put myself through again.

You have your whole life ahead of you OP, and this is going to be life-changing in the best possible way for you in the long run. "This too shall pass" x

suicide_circus

The relationship and marriage is dead and she's not interested in fixing it.

1. Get a solicitor and commence divorce proceedings. If you have proof of her infidelity start gathering it.

2. Stay in the house and insist on her leaving. Perhaps suggest she stay with her new fella from work.

StudentDad

Hi OP I'd just like to say that I really feel for you, the position you're in. Like previous posters have said, you need to focus on you. By the sounds of it, she's gone. If she did do an about face and dump the boyfriend, would you really want her back? Could you ever trust her again?

Live your life. Get her to leave the house and sort out the legalities. That'll take time and money, but it will ultimately sort itself out. At the end of the day, you have to put you first.

She sank the ship, not you. So hold your head high and live.

Good luck.