12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

Appledreams15

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich wrote: »

Appledreams15 wrote: »

That is really weird that you think she is a c#nt, and yet you had sex with an engaged woman.

When it was good for you it was okay?

When someone's telling you their relationship is doomed and makes a pass at you I think any wrong doing lies with the person in a relationship. My point was the OP's wife could have been telling the dude anything, like that she was done with OP and going to leave him etc. So there's no point blaming him for anything!

I have had a person in a relationship make a pass at me. I thought of his girlfriend, and I said no

Appledreams15

Yeah look it's your choice Mackeral. It"s just a bit rich to be calling her a c#nt, when her fiance would have been just as devastated as the OP here, if he had known.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note
Mackerel and Avacado Sandwich and Appledreams15, there has already been an on thread warning to stick to offering advice to the OP.

Anything else is considered off topic.

Posters are also asked to not unnecessarily quote full posts.

Appledreams15

Okay. I do think it is good to keep friends and family in on it OP, don't do it all alone.

heretothere

I know it's not important, but have you been married for 8 weeks or 8 months? Title says 8 months, but you said you were back from honeymoon 3 weeks when you found out, and that was 8 weeks ago. I'm just wondering if ye had deferred the honeymoon, how was the first 6 months of the marriage in the run up to the honeymoon?

joeduffy382

Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to reply.

Having a really tough day today. Things haven't really moved on all that much. She is going to move out but can't find anywhere and won't move in with him or move home. I'm not going to move out. We're keeping up the pretense that all is fine in front of friends and family, I can't understand how she can do that so easily whereas it's clear as day that I'm a wreck at the moment. I feel like I'm still protecting her and there's no consequences coming to bear on her for her actions.

Came into work today and a guy that got married a few months previous to us was celebrating his first kid. I'm delighted for him, don't get me wrong, but I can't help feeling like the potential for that has been snatched away from me and it makes me feel very lost.

Lots of people are saying that I'm young but I'm as old as I've ever been right now so I don't see it that way, right now at least. We used to communicate a lot during the day, just silly things and plans for the evening, but now it's a wall of silence.

/rant

KrustyUCC

Funny that she is willing to move out but just in the perfect circumstances

I'd drop the pretence that all is fine in front of friends and family if I was you

She's a big girl and she has made her decisions that suit her up to this point

No need to protect her and at the moment there is no consequences as she's having her cake and eating it too

The sooner that everything is out in the open the better

miamee

Do whatever is least stressful for yourself at the moment. If that is to stop putting up a front and say to people that she is moving out when she finds a place and why, then do that. You don't owe it to her to keep things secret. She'll never tell anyone if she doesn't have to, why would she? She is completely the 'bad guy' no matter what way she tries to dress it up so she'll keep it quiet to suit herself.

If you think it would be less stressful for her to be gone from the house instead of looking at each other every evening or worse, wondering where she is in the evening when she doesn't come home, then give her a date to be gone by. It's not your concern if she has to move in with her parents, a sibling, a friend or a houseshare, that's for her to sort out. A friend went through something similar recently and they remained living together for a few months. It was torture for my friend for the reasons above - wondering where the other person is, why they are out late, who with (though she knew who with as do you), awful. Partner eventually moved out and although lonely at first, she found it better and a lot less stressful. Hopefully it will be the same for you. Mind yourself.

ginandtonicsky

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Lots of people are saying that I'm young but I'm as old as I've ever been right now so I don't see it that way, right now at least. We used to communicate a lot during the day, just silly things and plans for the evening, but now it's a wall of silence.

/rant

You're also as young as you've ever been!

I get it OP. My relationship broke down when I was 32, up to my neck in wedding invitations and pregnant colleagues and friends getting mortgages and had to move into a flat share like I was a 22 year old broke graduate again. I'm 33 now, single, fabulous and in the process of buying my first place!

You'll have to slowly piece your life back together without her; but piece it together you will. Because that's life. And because there's no other choice. You know well that you have too much self-respect and dignity and value to stick around and be treated as an after-thought. You know well that this behaviour and treatment of you is wrong, wrong, wrong, and no amount of love for her or fear of being alone can make it right. Your family and friends would be absolutely gutted to know that she was doing this to you, and that you're going through this alone.

Give her a deadline to have left the house for once and for all. A month or six weeks from now. She has options, even if she's not too fond of them. She hasn't earned the right to be fussy here. Pick a date and tell her and don't get into negotiations. You're essentially living in a fcuked up sort of purgatory until she's out of that house and it's not fair or acceptable. I did it for six weeks with my ex and got physically ill, it was hands down the worst part of the breakup - having to see this person every evening, wondering where he was when he didn't come home, the rows followed by the most toxic silences. You can't be in this hell for more than a few weeks so crack down on that as a matter of priority.

Have you confided in any of your family or friends? Is there someone you're close to and trust that you can lean on these next few weeks? I actually started going to a therapist about two weeks in and I cried in those sessions for six months straight. It was incredibly cathartic and got me through those early days. I also booked some trips away, spent as much time out of the house as I could, weekends in Cambridge with a cousin, a few trips to Dublin, I did a yoga course, anything to keep me busy. Try to fill up your calendar with activities for as long as she's under the same roof, it'll make things a hell of a lot more liveable.

And stop protecting her. You owe her nothing. Don't let her save face in front of your family and friends. Tell people if you feel like it. Take a few days off work and go home to your parents and ball your eyes out. Tell your close mutual friends. They're your friends too and they care about you. Tell your boss you're going through a separation if/when you feel comfortable doing so. I told mine in case I had to suddenly take time off or was less available than usual. It took a huge weight off my back as she was really supportive and understanding.

Mokuba

You need to come out of the dumps somehow and light a fire under yourself.

I'm almost jealous of you - you get to have a brand new start. Completely reinvent yourself. If there is a hobby that you ever wanted to do, a place you ever wanted to travel to - you can do that now.

It's very possible that she cheated on you before. She has 0 respect for you.

Mark my words, she will realise the massive mistake she has made some day. I can guarantee you that.

Are you spending a bit too much time at the house? Can you go to the gym in the evenings, or for a run? Go to the cinema? Any hobby at all.

You only have one life and even now you are still giving it to her by being down in the dumps. Get yourself together!

Neyite

Stop covering for her and keeping it a secret because it's stopping you from accessing the help and support that you need right now. If she's worried that your family and friends are going to think she's a rotten so-and-so to cheat on you well... she shouldn't have done it then, right?

So tell your family. Tell your friends. Get their support and their insight and practical support.

She doesn't deserve anything from you.

rainbowtrout

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to reply.

Having a really tough day today. Things haven't really moved on all that much. She is going to move out but can't find anywhere and won't move in with him or move home. I'm not going to move out. We're keeping up the pretense that all is fine in front of friends and family, I can't understand how she can do that so easily whereas it's clear as day that I'm a wreck at the moment. I feel like I'm still protecting her and there's no consequences coming to bear on her for her actions.

Came into work today and a guy that got married a few months previous to us was celebrating his first kid. I'm delighted for him, don't get me wrong, but I can't help feeling like the potential for that has been snatched away from me and it makes me feel very lost.

Lots of people are saying that I'm young but I'm as old as I've ever been right now so I don't see it that way, right now at least. We used to communicate a lot during the day, just silly things and plans for the evening, but now it's a wall of silence.

/rant

Chin up OP. You're beginning to deal with it, and you will eventually be able to move on. It's a wall of silence because you're not playing her game and she's not getting her way. She now has to deal with the reality that she can't play away and still live with you like nothing has happened. I can guarantee that she gave zero consideration to having to break up your marriage, or move into a flat share, or move in with her parents etc when she was cheating on you. She has made her bed, now she can choose which one to lie in that's out of your house. Chickens are coming home to roost.

I too would agree with other posters in that you should not be covering up for her. Have it out in the open, you owe her nothing. You'll also have support from friends and family when you need it. Hold your head up high, and be factual 'she cheated with a work colleague three weeks after our honeymoon, I'm devastated and our marriage is over' or whatever words are suitable.

daithi7

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Chin up OP. You're beginning to deal with it, and you will eventually be able to move on. It's a wall of silence because you're not playing her game and she's not getting her way. She now has to deal with the reality that she can't play away and still live with you like nothing has happened. I can guarantee that she gave zero consideration to having to break up your marriage, or move into a flat share, or move in with her parents etc when she was cheating on you. She has made her bed, now she can choose which one to lie in that's out of your house. Chickens are coming home to roost.

I too would agree with other posters in that you should not be covering up for her. Have it out in the open, you owe her nothing. You'll also have support from friends and family when you need it. Hold your head up high, and be factual 'she cheated with a work colleague three weeks after our honeymoon, I'm devastated and our marriage is over' or whatever words are suitable.

Yup, 100% agree with this. Honesty, even brutal honesty is your (under appreciated) ally here.

Tell your family and friends the true reality of the situation you find yourself in. Keeping up the front that all is fine in your relationship to the outside world is only protecting your wife, who is playing on your understandable yearning that things were not as they now are,and prolonging the agony of breaking up.

Confide in your close family and friends first. You will be pleasantly surprised, you will find telling them a huge relief and you will receive massive amounts of support. You may also be surprised that many of them did not think ye were 'the perfect couple'. Family and friends are perceptive and they often see things wrong in our relationships that we don't/can't/refuse to see ourselves at that time.

Your wife, has already checked out of your relationship , some time ago imho. Worse she is still hanging around, despite knowing she doesn't want to be with you anymore, stringing you along, playing on your hope that things can go back to your previously perceived normal. She has lost total respect for you imho, your relationship and possibly herself also, and is treating you with conceited contempt as a result of the repressed anger she is feeling over this I'd say. Get rid of her pronto!!!

It's time for you to stand up for yourself here. Telling your close friends and family is one of the first steps in that. The others will follow.

No sane person likes the end of a relationship, the grieving process is hard. Fewer of us still like the uncertainty of a future we hadn't previously considered. However once you get to terms with these substantial issues, I think you will be glad this happened now rather than later, and you can look forward to a new exciting future instead of a future which was falsely, pretending to be something it wasn't.

Good luck with it OP.

Appledreams15

KrustyUCC wrote: »

Funny that she is willing to move out but just in the perfect circumstances

I'd drop the pretence that all is fine in front of friends and family if I was you

She's a big girl and she has made her decisions that suit her up to this point

No need to protect her and at the moment there is no consequences as she's having her cake and eating it too

The sooner that everything is out in the open the better

Oh the poor heart can be in pain and doesnt listen to reason.

I cried for six months over a guy. Now that i have moved on I see all the other great men in the world, and I have been with several, and i am glad I got to experience them. Some of them were much nicer than he was.

Think of all the women you get to meet now! As I say Ireland can be a bit serious/bit of a small pond. Treat yourself to a holiday. There will be loads of women who want to be with you.

Look at all the new experiences you get to have now.

The J Stands for Jay

joeduffy382 wrote: »

.

Came into work today and a guy that got married a few months previous to us was celebrating his first kid. I'm delighted for him, don't get me wrong, but I can't help feeling like the potential for that has been snatched away from me and it makes me feel very lost.
/rant

You're better off not having kids with someone who cheated on you. Don't worry, you've loads of time for kids, you'll be fertile for another 50 years yet!

And stop pretending everything is ok in front of family and friends. Take off your wedding ring.

John_D80

Mate I must say this thread has been tough to read and I’m sure anyone that has read your words has been affected by them. This could happen to absolutely anyone.

As difficult as it would surely be for you, you must start being selfish. Don’t protect her by keeping this a secret any longer. It’s benefitting no one but her and is actually detrimental to your ability to move on. You’re also denying yourself the support and understanding of friends and colleagues.

Any of yere mutual friends who “side” with her, are friends worth losing.

She needs to be gone from the home ASAP in order for you to begin to move on. Those first few days/weeks will be tough but you will get through it.

Might be worth making an agreement with her that involves you going to stay with family or supportive friends for a weekend soon on the understanding that she is gone when you get back maybe?? Might make the initial separation a little easier if you don’t have to watch her leaving or moving her stuff out.

I hope as you go, you will wake up every morning from now on feeling slightly better than you did the morning before until the day comes when you are happier than you ever were when you were with her.

Best of luck mate.

Anne1982h

Hi OP

So sorry to hear of your situation. I have only one piece of advice. You are being very good and kind to her by keeping your friends out of this and not letting them know what is going on. I did similar when I was having an issue with a friend and didn’t know that she had been badmouthing me to our friends while I was trying to do the right thing and sort it out ourselves. By the time I found out and tried to tell my side of the story it was too late and I ended up losing them all as friends to her.

So I think you need to meet your closest friends and tell them what is going on. You will need their support. You have been wronged here but by keeping it quiet she has time to plant a story with them. Also you need friends in hard times. I know they are all married etc but if they knew what you were going through then they would make time for you. You shouldn’t be going through this alone.

Ursus Horribilis

The poster above me makes a very good point about her possibly badmouthing you to your mutual friends. Don't underestimate what she's capable of, especially now that you've seen this unpleasant side to her nature. Marriage break-ups that start out relatively civil can also turn very toxic as time goes on. This could yet turn very nasty so it's up to you to look out for yourself here.

I get why you're keeping up the pretence. It's keeping horribly uncomfortable conversations at bay and it's stopping you from admitting to yourself that it's over, done, finito. Sooner or later everyone is going to find out anyway. To use an old rugby staying, "get your retaliation in first". Your wife was capable of cheating on you. Do you think she's above lying and telling your friends untruths about you that'll show you up in a bad light and have them side with her?

I'm not surprised that she's not gone out of the house but the situation is going to become untenable. Personally I'd advise against you going to stay with relatives/friends and leaving her with an extended time in the house. That gives her too much time to change the locks and gain a foothold in there. She has painted herself into a corner here and it's going to be hard to budge her.

HelgaWard

I just wanted to say you have a right to feel how you feel right now. Your the person living thru this, nobody else can tell you how you should feel. I think your wife has treated you really badly, how she could do what she has done, to someone she so recently planned a wedding with, went thru the ceremony and honeymoon, is beyond me. I agree with the other posters that the sooner you tell your friends and family, the better for you. She wants to keep this quiet to protect herself, do her parents even know yet? I know it doesn't feel like it now, but time will move on and you will deal with this and can have a happy and fulfilling life without her. She has let herself down and is the one who will have to deal with the negative comments from family and friends, there is simply no justifying what she has done.

Mind yourself and take care of yourself, do what suits you and not her. She's out for herself and only herself. Maybe some time off work would benefit you, spend time with your best friends and family and just take it all day by day.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's easy for people to say you need to tell people, and you need to stop protecting her etc. But I think often in situations like this, by not telling people you are also protecting yourself. You know the time will come when you need to tell extended family and friends, but that time doesn't have to be now. You are only just processing this yourself. And I think you need time to get your head around it before the news "breaks" and you then have to deal with others. As always in situations like this, it's easy for us looking in to tell you the theory of how you should react and what you should be doing, quite often the reality of life isn't quite so black and white.

This is an horrendous time for you. And it is not going to be all cleared up and sorted in a couple of weeks. And telling your wider circle of friends isn't necessarily a priority at the moment. Look after yourself. Do whatever it is that you need to do to help you through the initial period. You have already confided in a few close people so that's the important thing. I hope you're ok. (As ok as you can be)

sbsquarepants

Hi Joe,

I've been in your shoes (minus the wedding) it's a kick in the nuts no doubt about it, and like an actual kick in the nuts, it consumes you entirely, for what feels like an eternity, but when you look back in a year, 5 years, 10 years - you realise how quickly it's actually over and done with, it just didn't feel like that at the time!

In an ideal world this would never have happened, but it did and it's better you found out than have it going on behind your back. If I was you I wouldn't even entertain the idea of trying to work things out - it wasn't a drunken, one night "shít happens" kind of thing (which would still be bad, but at least you could call it a mistake), this was planned and concealed and so on - it's over I'm afraid - time to move on!

tookotook

Go to the gym, hit a punching bag, go for a run.. Get out some of your frustrations and most of all get angry! It sounds like you need some courage to dump this b*tch.

joeduffy382

Thanks again to all of you for taking the time out, I'm honestly blown away by the encouragement and reassurance here. I've actually read through the whole thing a few times to remind myself of how low I have been at times and how this all looks to people who can be totally objective about the situation. It's given me strength, if that makes sense, to see this through your eyes and how badly she has treated me and our marriage.

To those people who have been through this and posted, thanks so much for taking the time out and I hope you are all doing well.

I've been through something traumatic before and I do know that time is a healer but there was absolute finality that time, whereas this is an ongoing situation being controlled by someone other than me, that's the absolutely brutal part at the moment.

I'm still going to the gym 3 x a week, I've hit a good few golf balls, walking the dog a lot and I'm going to get back on my bike (literally)! This is still all under wraps, with the exception of the counsellor and a trusted few. At the moment, as BBOC mentioned, I'm happier to not have to deal with the fallout while I'm still putting myself back together.

Again, thank you all so much for your support and advice.

Earleybird

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thanks again to all of you for taking the time out, I'm honestly blown away by the encouragement and reassurance here. I've actually read through the whole thing a few times to remind myself of how low I have been at times and how this all looks to people who can be totally objective about the situation. It's given me strength, if that makes sense, to see this through your eyes and how badly she has treated me and our marriage.

To those people who have been through this and posted, thanks so much for taking the time out and I hope you are all doing well.

I've been through something traumatic before and I do know that time is a healer but there was absolute finality that time, whereas this is an ongoing situation being controlled by someone other than me, that's the absolutely brutal part at the moment.

I'm still going to the gym 3 x a week, I've hit a good few golf balls, walking the dog a lot and I'm going to get back on my bike (literally)! This is still all under wraps, with the exception of the counsellor and a trusted few. At the moment, as BBOC mentioned, I'm happier to not have to deal with the fallout while I'm still putting myself back together.

Again, thank you all so much for your support and advice.

We're all rooting for you OP, a horrible situation to be in but delighted to see you're working through the process. Keep focusing on you and in time the feeling will pass; you'll be out the far side of this as a stronger person. Plenty of support here for you, and some really good advice. Best of luck.

Mr. Incognito

1. Go to a solicitor. Today. Immediately. She certainly has.

2. You need to tell your friends and family. Her family will take her side but tell them what is going on.

3. You will need to sort out the house. This should be done through your solicitor. You are too vulnerable.

4. Speak to a solicitor. Today. Immedaitely.

C3PO

joeduffy382 wrote: »

.... and I'm going to get back on my bike (literally)!

I have been through a similar experience to yours OP and now, four years later, I am beginning to come out the far side! I have experienced the heartbreak, anger, betrayal and despair as you describe. I'm convinced that the one thing that got me through was getting out cycling on a regular basis - in my case almost daily! This may seem like a simplistic solution but it is important to find something/somewhere that becomes a sanctuary, that gives you the opportunity to heal!

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle says it perfectly - "When the spirits are low, when the day appears dark, when work becomes monotonous, when hope hardly seems worth having, just mount a bicycle and go out for a spin down the road, without thought on anything but the ride you are taking."

It would also be worth considering joining a cycling or other club where you can meet new people in a relaxed atmosphere.

shesty

Aw OP I can't offer any more advice other than to say I feel for you.She has, and is, treating you so badly, nobody deserves that.It's a long road ahead and I hope you look after yourself.

Rochelle

OP, you're in a dark place & it's hard to imagine a positive future, but there will come a time when you look back and think how much better you are off then than at the moment.
A few have mentioned it, take it from me, be VERY grateful that there are no children involved, that would change everything for the worse times infinity. Now you just have to walk away from a cheat, the consequences with kids involved would be very very different.
All the best with everything!

Colser

Rochelle wrote: »

OP, you're in a dark place & it's hard to imagine a positive future, but there will come a time when you look back and think how much better you are off then than at the moment.
A few have mentioned it, take it from me, be VERY grateful that there are no children involved, that would change everything for the worse times infinity. Now you just have to walk away from a cheat, the consequences with kids involved would be very very different.
All the best with everything!

Totally agree with this.Also be very careful if you do end up sleeping together during the break up(it does happen😀) that you're very careful and no mistakes happen.
You'll probably get lots of moments when you feel that you could get back together and work through it but it usually only lasts a couple of weeks before the sh*tstorm starts again..if you feel you're relenting just picture her with the other guy and what they did and that will bring you back to reality instantly.
Hope you're coping ok..it's a nightmare of a situation.

corcaigh1

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

F*ck that, people have been married 20 or 30 years and have broken up, divorced etc and got over it and moved on with their lives...


You wont be on your own for too long dont worry about that, its tough but time is all it takes to get over it and you will move on and be happy with your life. Your still very young, cut her loose and drive on...