12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

joeduffy382 · 09-05-2018 7:39pm #1

I've been with my girlfriend and now wife since first year in college. We've lived together easily for all of that time and all of our friends are now basically mutual friends. We've bought a house and supported each other in successful careers. She has been my friend, partner and the person that I love and laugh with every day in all that time. We've always both been confident, happy and outgoing people. We have been referred to a few times as a model couple by our mates due to how easy our relationship seemed and how much of life's big steps we have taken successfully. In all of that time, I have never had any reason to doubt or suspect her.

All of that came crashing down 3 weeks after we came back from honeymoon earlier this year. I found out she had slept with a work colleague and spent a weekend in a hotel with him while I was away with my family. I confronted her as soon as I found out and she confessed that she kissed him on a night out and things had spiralled from there. She also says that she has feelings for him and won't consider leaving her job. She also says that unless she knows 100% that we can be fixed that she won't even try. We went to two couples counseling sessions but she said that she felt that she was being cornered so we didn't go back.

That was 8 weeks ago and my entire world has come crashing down around me since then. I'm constantly on the verge of bursting into tears, I didn't sleep for about 6 weeks and haven't been able to do a straight day's work since I found out. My formerly outgoing, confident, optimistic mindset is completely gone

We're still living together, she has piled lies upon lies since then. She said she needed space and time to think and so booked a weekend away for herself. He went with her. I decided at that time that it was beyond rescuing but I can't bring myself to end it. She says that she doesn't know what she wants but that moving job isn't a runner, which for me is a must if we are to have any hope at all. I know that I've contradicted myself in the last two sentences but that's how my mind is working at the moment.

We're drifting through this terrible limbo at the moment where we can be civil to each other and have a laugh about some things and then reality kicks in and I realise how empty my future is. I'm absolutely terrified of being on my own and I'm paralysed by grief at the loss of the future we had in front of us. I know she needs to go but the reality of waking up on my own or coming home to a quiet house is absolutely crippling.

Thanks for reading.

Sunflower 27 · 09-05-2018 7:48pm

What a horrible betrayal for you.

Of course you are in pain and while I understand you think her leaving her job is what's needed, it really isn't. The job isn't the problem, it's her total lack of respect for you and the vows she took.

Even if she leaves her job, do you think you will trust she won't stray again?

Is she even the woman you thought she was?

It might be good for you to go see a counsellor on your own. This is a really difficult time and you do need some support. Take care.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-05-2018 7:50pm

She's not committed enough to walking away from him and concentrating on your marriage. She is saying unless she's 100% sure that it will work, then she's not willing to try.. that sounds like she's not willing to try. She went to 2 sessions and decided not to to back? If she wanted to fight for your marriage she would fight. She's not that bothered. If she was serious about your marriage leaving her job would be priority No 1, but she refuses. She wants a weekend on her own, in a hotel... Before I even read the next bit I knew she wasn't going alone.

I'm so so sorry but it sounds like she has already left your relationship. Of course she will lie. And she will continue to lie. That's what will hurt more than the actual cheating. The fact that she will stand in front of you and bareface lie to you. Knowing that you know she is lying, but persisting anyway.

You can't make this work. Not alone. And it sounds like she's not interested in working with you.

It's tough. It's heartbreaking and you will have to grieve for the end of this relationship. Take your time. There's no rush yet to make decisions and ultimatums. But I would suggest finding 1 person. 1 person you trust to talk to. You need to talk to someone.

It sounds like she's not coming back. Maybe when you make moves towards ending the relationship and people figure out why, she might be shocked back to reality (she might not) but if she does at that point, it's your choice what you do. You will make whatever decisions are right for you along the way.

My heart breaks for you. This is going to be a very long (very long), very upsetting road for you.

MissShihTzu · 09-05-2018 8:03pm

You poor thing! But you have to be brave here. First things first - Are you eating and sleeping? Get a couple of days off if you can, get some Kalms (or similar), and get some food and kip! You need your wits about you now...

If you are certain it's over, the first thing you need to do is to get some legal advice. AFAIK, you will have to wait out the 4 years for divorce,I'm afraid as I assume you cannot get an annulment.

I'm sorry to say, I think your wife has already checked out of the relationship. She wants time and space and books a weekend away with her bloke? Some time and space my eye! I don't think she is showing any respect for you and your feelings. She feels cornered, and won't even try unless she is 100% sure your marriage can be fixed? When would that be? It's not very nice of her to keep you dangling whilst she has her fun.

You need to sit down and really TALK to her about what she wants. Lay your cards on the table, and tell her what you want.

I would also look to sell the house. Whatever happens, the house will need to be sold, IMO. Too many bad memories. If you make it together, then buy another property to make nicer memories in.

Get some counselling for yourself too. Your wife doesn't need to go with you. Get your head and your **** together, then you can go from there.

Look after yourself!

ETA: How were things before the wedding? Did you have any clue as to what was happening? What was your wife like before? How did you find out??

joeduffy382 · 09-05-2018 8:05pm

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

doitlikeadude · 09-05-2018 8:05pm

Christ on a bike, man for your own sanity please leave. If she was full of remorse I would ask you to think it out. But she's flaunting it in front of your face. To me, it sounds like she doesn't want it to work out between you. But maybe the shame of her having an affair and you both breaking up is something on her mind. Look after you

Edit: As always Big Bag talks a lot of sense. I would take that in to consideration and hopefully you have someone you can confide in

MissShihTzu · 09-05-2018 8:11pm

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

You're still a young man! You are NOT damaged goods. You're simply a guy who has had his heart broken. You will find someone else who will love you and treat you with respect. It'll hurt now, but believe me - It will pass, you will slowly feel better and you can forge ahead with your life.

joeduffy382 · 09-05-2018 8:14pm

MissShihTzu wrote: »

You poor thing! But you have to be brave here. First things first - Are you eating and sleeping?

ETA: How were things before the wedding? Did you have any clue as to what was happening? What was your wife like before? How did you find out??

Yes, I've started to eat and sleep relatively normally now. I'm still waking up with cold sweats sometimes and I've been having terrible nightmares but for the first few weeks I was only sleeping for an hour or two at most.

She was fine and has said that she genuinely wanted to go through with the wedding and be with me at the time. This all started after the wedding, literally 3 weeks after the honeymoon was over. This has been the biggest shock for me because of the timing. I've gone from the highest point of my life to the lowest in a matter of weeks.

I found out because she didn't come home until silly o'clock after a work night out. I did some digging the next day in her emails as I knew something felt off. I felt so bad at the time for checking up on her.

Sunflower 27 · 09-05-2018 8:17pm

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have been seeing a counselor and he has been brilliant at helping me confront the facts. I've left the sessions a few times knowing exactly what I need to do. But then I see her or drive past something that reminds me of her or think about how much we have left to do in the world and I lose my nerve to end it.

I've spent all of my 20's with her and can only see myself as very damaged goods if I'm on my own going forward. Which leads me to the conclusion that I'll spend the rest of my life on my own. All of this plays out in my head and suddenly the limbo that I'm in right now doesn't seem as bad because at least I have company. I know that sounds completely off the wall.

I think you need to be kind to yourself. Almost your entire adulthood has been shared with this woman, of course there is fear and uncertainty about going it alone.

You are grieving what was, as well as what could have been, and also fear what lies ahead. All of these are completely natural feelings.

It may help to try and look at the future in the short term, so, day to day, week to week, if the future as a whole seems daunting.

Your heart is broken, you are in pain but this not a permanent state of being. You will grow from this experience, you will learn to cope. The fact you have gone to a counsellor indicates you want to get through this and that is positive.

Believe in yourself, that you will work through this pain and your future is one of hope and, down the line, happier times again.

jk23 · 09-05-2018 8:20pm

She has no respect for you. The way she is treating you is terrible. You are lucky you found out before you had kids.

joeduffy382 · 09-05-2018 8:24pm

Thanks again for the replies.

I know that in a way I'm lucky I found out now but it is so completely out of character for her that part of me thinks that she is having some sort of early mid life crisis at the thought of being married and settled. I've not been telling anyone to protect her and our reputation in the hope that it can come right.

She was the most kind, caring and compassionate person up to this. Would go out of her way to help a stranger and always had a smile on her face. Even now, I know I'm making excuses and defending her against this criticism, I'm really struggling to see the actions she has taken and the person that I knew as one and the same.

I can be angry at him but I'm struggling to be angry at her even though I know she has pursued it. Again, I know that doesn't seem to tally with how I should be reacting. I've thought about showing up at their office, not to batter him or anything but just to rattle them. But then I play out the scenario and know that it ends in humiliation for me.

doitlikeadude · 09-05-2018 8:31pm

You're right, I would not turn up at their office for a showdown to be honest. It's all well and good in soap operas but can't see the benefit of it in real life.

Deep down we all like to think we're good people, I'm sure your wife did until her head was turned. Do you know if he's with someone?

joeduffy382 · 09-05-2018 8:36pm

doitlikeadude wrote: »

Deep down we all like to think we're good people, I'm sure your wife did until her head was turned. Do you know if he's with someone?

No, he's single. She had actually told me about him before, months ago, about how he was coming out of a long term relationship. They've worked together for 2 years. I do believe that this only started recently.

I really have a desire to talk to him though to bring some sort of reckoning to his door as he's completely scot free at the moment and that irritates me no end. There's no equity in it.

I really regret not blowing this up in their faces the day I found out. But then, there was probably no "correct" move to make. I'll probably doubt everything I've done since I found out forever.

sozbox · 09-05-2018 8:41pm

joeduffy382 wrote: »

But then, there was probably no "correct" move to make.

This thread breaks my heart. The correct move is to throw her out of the house and break off all contact with her while you work on building some self respect.

You have so much of your identity and ego invested into her and your relationship that it's categorically unhealthy. You should have only one concern right now..YOU.

Taking her back after this will only show her that her cheating has absolutely no consequences and it will continue. You have an opportunity now for a better future, please take it.

And stop blaming him, he's single, he didn't take any vows of fidelity or commitment to anyone, your wife did. But she threw them out the window and decided to spend a dirty weekend in a hotel with him. If anyone here is at fault...

You will get over this, you will meet other women, you will be happy again.

joeduffy382 · 09-05-2018 8:52pm

sozbox wrote: »

This thread breaks my heart. The correct move is to throw her out of the house and break off all contact with her while you work on building some self respect.

You have so much of your identity and ego invested into her and your relationship that it's categorically unhealthy. You should have only one concern right now..YOU.

Taking her back after this will only show her that her cheating has absolutely no consequences and it will continue. You have an opportunity now for a better future, please take it.

You will get over this, you will meet other women, you will be happy again.

Thanks. I know that is the correct move but I feel like I'll be left with nothing in my life. I have my own personality and was happy to spend time apart previously, comfortable in the knowledge that the foundations of my life were intact and I had someone who cared for me.

I have plenty of friends but they're friends and have their own relationships and marriages. We've gone past the big night out on the tear phase of our lives. It's been about weddings, barbecues, weekends away with other couples and planning getaways for ourselves.

I don't even want to think about replacing that with swiping right and trying to prove myself to someone new.

sozbox · 09-05-2018 9:00pm

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Thanks. I know that is the correct move but I feel like I'll be left with nothing in my life. I have my own personality and was happy to spend time apart previously, comfortable in the knowledge that the foundations of my life were intact and I had someone who cared for me.

I have plenty of friends but they're friends and have their own relationships and marriages. We've gone past the big night out on the tear phase of our lives. It's been about weddings, barbecues, weekends away with other couples and planning getaways for ourselves.

I don't even want to think about replacing that with swiping right and trying to prove myself to someone new.

There's a lot to unwrap here.

Your entire identify is based on being in a relationship. This is not healthy. You equate your life with your relationship. I get that 12 years is a looonngg time but you need to start focusing on yourself and your happiness if you are ever to recover.

WHEN you leave this woman you'll be left with the absolute freedom to build yourself into someone that can be happy alone or otherwise. Your fear of being alone is holding you back and allowing you to rationalise her behaviour.

But which is worse? Being alone yourself or being alone in a relationship with a woman who's out ****ing work mates every second weekend? I know which 'loneliness' I'd choose.

Don't lie to yourself because it's comfortable, there is no going back to your fantasy perfect relationship after this. It's over. Accept it. I know it's hard.

There are billions of women out there. You don't have to jump onto Tinder right away, take your time, take a few years if you need them. It's going to be ok.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-05-2018 9:01pm

Meeting someone else shouldn't even be a consideration for you at this stage. It's far too soon for even mentioning that. For now you have to deal with what's in front of you. And again, there's no rush. Life isn't a soap opera where everything gets wrapped up and moves on in a few episodes. This is going to go on, and on.

I understand the reason for wanting to be loyal to her, and not wanting people to think bad of her. That is completely normal. As is one minute deciding it has to end and then swinging back to not being able to. You love her. Your whole adult life has been her. You never intended on being in a position where you'd ever have to swipe left or right!

Take your time. You do need someone though. You can't be strong alone forever. I'm glad you're going to counselling. And yes, he may be telling you what you need to do, and of course you know what you should do, but knowing and doing are very very separate situations when it comes to these situations.

sozbox · 09-05-2018 9:06pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You do need someone though.

This kind of language is why people end up in miserable, co-dependnet relationships.

You don't NEED someone to be happy. Your mindset should be of CHOOSING a person to be with, a person who is right for you.

Getting into or staying in a relationship because you think you NEED to or the you'll never find someone again is a recipe for a wasted life.

Ursus Horribilis · 09-05-2018 9:09pm

I think BBOC was suggesting the OP needs to talk to someone, rather than go straight into another relationship?

kirving · 09-05-2018 9:22pm

sozbox wrote: »

And stop blaming him, he's single, he didn't take any vows of fidelity or commitment to anyone, your wife did. But she threw them out the window and decided to spend a dirty weekend in a hotel with him. If anyone here is at fault...

He didn't take any vows, correct. He's still an absolute wanker who's actions shouldn't be downplayed. He knew she was married.

I can't see it lasting, not that it matters to you OP. He'll soon realise that it probably isn't the best long term relationship strategy to stay with a woman who cheated on her husband.

Whatever you do OP, do not leave the house, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. It's her problem to find other arrangements. She needs to be gone sooner rather than later, this wasn't a once off.

sozbox · 09-05-2018 9:25pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think BBOC was suggesting the OP needs to talk to someone, rather than go straight into another relationship?

haha well that I agree with

Ursus Horribilis · 09-05-2018 9:27pm

I think you and your wife run the risk of staying together for all the wrong reasons. You've based an awful lot of your self-identity on being in a relationship. It's interesting that even as your marriage is falling apart, you're musing on how future women might view you. I get that you're terrified of living on your own and of living the life of a single man. It's not the life you want for yourself but it's not as hellish as you think it will be. It'll be different but you'll be fine. Regardless of what happens next, you will never go back to the way you were before you found out what she was doing.

If your wife leaves the house, she's going to find herself facing into some harsh realities. The most immediate being where she's going to live. Nobody who has lived with their other half for years is going to enjoy moving home to the parents, house-sharing or paying extortionate rent on a place of their own. I wouldn't be so sure loverboy will stick around either. So where does that leave her then? Be very wary if she decides to give things another go.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-05-2018 9:28pm

Thanks Ursus, that's exactly what I meant. You need somebody to confide in. You can't continue indefinitely carrying all this, and trying to pretend to family and friends that all is fine. That's why you need to pick one trusted person. One person who will listen, and even if they do judge her, they won't bitch about her to you. One person who will listen and take your lead on how to react.

Another relationship/single life forever shouldn't even be a consideration at this point.

helimachoptor · 09-05-2018 10:27pm

Appreciate you dont want to get this out in the open, but airing it out with a close friend may just help you.

Agree with the above, she's checked out and not bothered about your marriage.
Sell the house, it'll go quickly anyway.

Find somewhere else to live. You could maybe look at an annulment rather than a divorce. You are not damaged good ,this type of stuff is more common than you think.

Best of luck Op

dellas1979 · 09-05-2018 10:34pm

The practical side:

Well, first of all, dont leave the marital home. For legal reasons.

If anyone needs to leave, she needs to.

All this needs to be documented also, as much as possile, so Id get any emails I could.

Emotional side:
Boi, youve gotton some shock. You are clearly still in shock.
You didnt do anything wrong, so be kind to yourself during this awful time. Youre getting a sleep and eating routine back, which is excellent. There will be days, and moments of days, when of course youll feel like youre going insane. Its all perfectly normal.

She is having her cake and eating it right now. And the time should be coming where you make the shots.

You will, without doubt when the pain fades a little, start to realise that you wont be able to trust her again. And is this a life you want for yourself.

I 100000% believe in this case that it was a "grass is greener" thing for her. And boi God she will be back in a second once she realises the grass indeed wasnt greener at all.

GreeBo · 09-05-2018 11:02pm

OP I broke up with my partner after 13 years, pretty much the exact same, started from 2nd year of college, we were living together 4 years at that stage.

That was 5 years ago and Im now 2 years happily married with a baby on the way in 5 weeks (panic!)

You are at your lowest ebb now so the future will naturally seem very empty without her.

Trust me when I say that it will get better and you are not at all damaged goods.

My scenario was very different but in the end I moved out as my family home was nearby. This dragged things out for 2 years and really it should have all been sorted as quickly as possible. I second the advice that you need to get legal advice and seriously consider selling the house, either to her or just get it on the market.

She sounds like marriage has given her a kick up the arse and she now has itchy feet, it may well be that you leaving her and selling the house will panic her and she might realise that what she had with you was worth an awful lot more than this fling....but to my mind she has crossed several lines that cannot be uncrossed and you need to end it, for your own sake and to allow yourself to start to move on.

By all means grieve for the relationship, but dont grieve for her, she is not who she used to be, you need to separate your memories of the relationship from the reality of how she has and is continuing to treat you.

Best of luck.

Arrival · 10-05-2018 12:57am

I just don't understand how someone can cheat on a person, let alone on a person they stood on an alter in front of their closest family and friends and gave life vows to. Like this is the closest person to you in the world, if you're not going to be loyal and honourable to them then who are you going to be to? It's ridiculous, just blows my mind. And then the lad actually sleeping with her; is he really so pathetic with women that he can't control himself around a married one and find someone free? What does he realistically expect to come of it, to enter a lasting relationship with a woman who was willing to cheat on her husband? That thought should always be on his mind while with her and if it was purely just for sex on his side then that's even worse because only a twisted sociopath would look to just have sex with a married person.

I really don't understand how people can be so weak and ****ty, absolute cowards. The main thing is that you need to accept that this is the end of it all, OP. You're going to go through agony but you need to tell absolutely everyone the complete truth because trust me the more people know the better it is for you as they'll be far more sympathetic and you'll receive a bigger support group which you badly need to cope with such a traumatic event as a marriage ending. A positive is that in time you'll be completely free to rediscover yourself and find passions that make you genuinely happy which you've definitely been missing out on.

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich · 10-05-2018 7:21am

It just shows you can never really know anyone and marriage and bloody weddings mean nothing. By the sounds of things you’re still quite young, so you’re certainly not damaged good (lol), and trust me as soon as you ditch this grade A c**t of a woman, which she most certainly is, you can have the time of your life in your 30s. There’s nothing left to salvage here, it’s over. She’ll probably have a change of heart here and there if things don’t turn out to be so great with this new Romeo but you just need to cut her out of your life ASAP.

As for the guy she’s sleeping with, there’s no point blaming him for anything really, he’s not the one who just got married 2 weeks ago and who knows what she’s been telling him. I remember a girl I knew was engaged and spent a night telling me how miserable she was and that she didn’t like her fiancé and didn’t want to go through with the marriage and after a few drinks she launched herself at me and we ended up sleeping with each other. Never saw her again but in time pictures of weddings and babies started appearing on Facebook, lol. I don’t think I did anything wrong there.

uberwolf · 10-05-2018 7:28am

dellas1979 wrote: »

The practical side:

Well, first of all, dont leave the marital home. For legal reasons.

If anyone needs to leave, she needs to.

All this needs to be documented also, as much as possile, so Id get any emails I could.

all of this. It's the cold reality, but actions now could have real practical implications for you as this unwinds.

Arrival · 10-05-2018 11:42am

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich wrote: »

It just shows you can never really know anyone and marriage and bloody weddings mean nothing. By the sounds of things you’re still quite young, so you’re certainly not damaged good (lol), and trust me as soon as you ditch this grade A c**t of a woman, which she most certainly is, you can have the time of your life in your 30s. There’s nothing left to salvage here, it’s over. She’ll probably have a change of heart here and there if things don’t turn out to be so great with this new Romeo but you just need to cut her out of your life ASAP.

As for the guy she’s sleeping with, there’s no point blaming him for anything really, he’s not the one who just got married 2 weeks ago and who knows what she’s been telling him. I remember a girl I knew was engaged and spent a night telling me how miserable she was and that she didn’t like her fiancé and didn’t want to go through with the marriage and after a few drinks she launched herself at me and we ended up sleeping with each other. Never saw her again but in time pictures of weddings and babies started appearing on Facebook, lol. I don’t think I did anything wrong there.

You definitely did something very wrong there if you knew about her being with someone. I've literally walked away from girls flirting with me as soon as I found out they had boyfriends, there are too many single girls available to meet to be condoning disgusting behaviour of those type of sluts and inflicting such pain on their partners. You're trying to justify your weak morals. If you had a girlfriend wouldn't it hurt you a lot to know she cheated on you? She wouldn't be able to if another guy didn't enable her **** decision. To clarify though, the huge majority of the blame of course lies with the partner doing the cheating as they're the ones in a relationship

Big Bag of Chips · 10-05-2018 11:49am

Mod Note

Posters are reminded to stay on topic - advising the OP on his situation. Please do not let this thread turn into a discussion irrelevant to his specific personal issue.

12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

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