12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

Christ on a bike, man for your own sanity please leave. If she was full of remorse I would ask you to think it out. But she's flaunting it in front of your face. To me, it sounds like she doesn't want it to work out between you. But maybe the shame of her having an affair and you both breaking up is something on her mind. Look after you

Edit: As always Big Bag talks a lot of sense. I would take that in to consideration and hopefully you have someone you can confide in

You're right, I would not turn up at their office for a showdown to be honest. It's all well and good in soap operas but can't see the benefit of it in real life.

Deep down we all like to think we're good people, I'm sure your wife did until her head was turned. Do you know if he's with someone?

You'd be hard pressed not to have a strong degree of sympathy for your plight brother. First things first I hope you're holding up ok in general. I obviously don't know you, but you seem like a decent guy and have made big steps to keep your marriage going.

The important thing for you now is to keep your thoughts in check, and control what you can control. You can't control what your wife is doing, feeling and thinking, but you can ensure that you hold your emotions in check. Even though you've been the wronged party here, you need to make sure you maintain your cool and do the right things here.

I'd recommend speaking to legal representation, at least for advice for the moment. This potentially could be an expensive process depending on what route you take. You want to make sure you make the necessary steps that should it go to courts for potential dividing up of assets and maintenance payments that you're in the best light possible. You mention you've got mutual friends here, so that's another reason to keep your own counsel. The last thing you want is to have to deal with losing face yourself.

Try not to think too far into the future in terms of relying on your wife for being your only option. That quite honestly is not true at all. What's the best for you in this marriage? Continuing on with somebody who has lied to you numerous times, and insults your intelligence by saying she's going to spend a weekend on her own but is really off with this other lad for a few days?! Hardly sounds like a route to fulfillment, happiness and love. Would you be happy to raise children into that environment? It sounds to me like she wants you to end it, probably for her own benefit. Anyone can make a slip, but hers seem quite callous and disrespectful, to the point where it seems she doesn't really care if you know she's off with this other lad for a few days. Whatever your future is, be it in a new relationship, single, or if your marriage can somehow recover, the important thing is to know that you need to check in with yourself and show yourself some respect and value. Your worth more than being somebody can decide to go back to, you need to be somebody's active choice or you need to ensure yourself that it's either that your other half respects you or you yourself are out. If you don't respect yourself then your wife, girlfriend or potential dates won't either.

Her job is of little relevance here, outside of the fact that it's where this other guy works too. I mean as much as she's not coming off well here, she does have a career and profession to think of. Even if she moves jobs it doesn't prevent her from doing the same thing with another colleague in the new place, nor does it stop her from continuing this existing relationship. Asking her to leave is just asking for resentment from her, and shows her that you don't trust her (and rightfully so that you don't!!). It also would make you seem controlling, and you really don't want that against you.

None of us know yourself and your wife so judgments are therefore difficult. For example, we don't know if there was a brewing connection between her and this colleague. They could be madly in love for all we know (as hard as that may be to hear). She could be in crisis and self-destruction mode, resisting the process of her life settling down, keeping the party going that bit longer. She might just have this itch that needs scratching in a physical sense from this chap, something which would settle down when she starts having to go grocery shopping with him and deal with the more mundane aspects of life, rather than the fun, taboo weekends away ****. He could be a toyboy figure for all we know. It sounds like this has been the only serious relationship that both of you have had, and have been with each other since you were very young. That's not a minor detail.

There seems to be some degree of manipulation going on here, keeping you sweet enough to a remain civil. I'm just guessing here, but it sounds like she is the more dominant one in this relationship, but you need to know (and she perhaps needs to know too) that you are the master of your own future, and you know where you're headed. When you're trying to hold on to her it makes you seem like she's on a pedestal, she can make any decision she wants, be it a) stay with safe, dependable you, who cares deeply for her and will take her back at ease or b) keep going with this other lad and potentially carry on indefinitely. When she realises you are potentially taking the safety net away (by subtly suggesting she is not your only hope) she might have a sudden change of heart and be faced with the stark reality of what she's losing. She might of course decide that this other lad is her man, either way you need to know.

This is going to be a **** time for you in the short term. You're left with the reality of coming home to a wife you can't really trust, but in the knowledge that you won't physically be alone, or the alternative that you suddenly lose this person with whom you've developed such a wealth of memories with already and were all set for a long future with, and are left alone. Neither are great, there's no getting away from that. Having said that, some of the loneliest times in my life have been in periods when I've been in relationships or groups of people. You need to take it in short term chunks though, but to back yourself that your future is potentially great, and you'd be willing to contribute towards the happiness of somebody else's future, somebody who loves you back in return.

Godspeed my friend.

I've been there OP and it's heartbreaking,4 years down the line and I'm still far from over it.You've been given excellent advice in the above posts....my two regrets are that I didn't tell friends and family immediately when it happened and that I didn't see a solicitor sooner.

Don't try to discuss the reasons behind it with her,you'll get a different answer every day and she'll probably try a twist it around to being your fault somehow and wreck your head even more.Don't fall for the attempts to reconcile as you can never go back to the relationship that you had and you can't be sure that she's being genuine or stringing you along.
Also tell your friends/family as you need support to get through this.

Best of luck.