12 year relationship - 8 month marriage ending - devastated

LegacyUser

Wasn't married but living together for years. I honestly think it was boredom for her and apathy from me. I look back almost 30 years ago and am glad it happened!!!!
I sorted out my own life and worked on me. I am very happily married to a wonderful woman and have great kids, I regret very little of it, we really weren't suited when I look back with the benefit of time.
The one piece of advice I have is as a previous poster said " get your retaliation in first". I discovered through a friend that the girl I had loved told the most outrageous lies about our relationship to attempt to justify her behaviour. I never told my side of things because I didn't want to blacken her name ( and perhaps didn't want to admit to people that my partner slept with someone else as I felt it would lessen me as a man). When you tell people what happened you will be amazed by how many people have been through stuff like this.

joeduffy382

Hi all, just a little update to say that I'm still alive and kicking. We are now living apart and that has become the new normal, there's no real sight of a resolution on the horizon.

I'm changing jobs in 2 months, taking a month off in between, planning to do a little travelling. Very lonely but my mates & family have been unbelievably good to me so saying yes to every offer of a meetup or call that comes my way.

TheBoyConor

And what is happening with the marriage?
Will ye be separating and getting divorced?

dudara

TheBoyConor - please note that requesting updates is strictly against the forum charter. The OP is under no pressure or obligation to respond to us.

Please read the charter to refresh yourself before posting again.

dudara

MissShihTzu

Glad to see you've a made a positive move,OP. You can relax and breathe a little to gather your thoughts and make your next move.

No rush to do anything yet. One step at a time. Enjoy your time off, have a wonderful time travelling and don't forget to lean on your friends and family. You are alone, but not lonely. They, and all of us who read this thread are in your corner. This is going to be a long, hard road, but you're gonna make it. Yes - you are!

Good luck to you. Take care of yourself, and keep doing you.

Verity.

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Hi all, just a little update to say that I'm still alive and kicking. We are now living apart and that has become the new normal, there's no real sight of a resolution on the horizon.

I'm changing jobs in 2 months, taking a month off in between, planning to do a little travelling. Very lonely but my mates & family have been unbelievably good to me so saying yes to every offer of a meetup or call that comes my way.

I'm late in the day seeing your thread, but I've read it right through. I can't tell you how happy I am to read that you're at least this far, and she isn't in your home. I cannot believe how callous and unfeeling she was towards you, given how long you were together and how recently you had married. Her infidelity wasn't a one night stand, it was a continuous affair she flaunted right in your face. You seem to be the only one suffering because she had left you emotionally the minute she and her fancy man got together. You've done nothing to deserve the pain she is putting you through, and I hope he does the same to her one day. Which brings me to another point. If the shine comes off her grubby little affair don't even consider taking her back. Taking her back would only relieve the pain of loneliness for a little while, but you'll be left with the memory of what she had done to you, repeatedly, and everytime she goes out the door you'll be wondering if she's lying to you again. Remove the idea of ever taking her back right out of your mind. You are worth more than this, remember that.

As Mr Cognito pointed out very bluntly, you have to start thinking about the practical side of all of this, which I know is hard to do when you're not over her. But she will have thought of all of this a long time ago, and you've catching up to do.

It seems you're already taking baby steps in the right direction. And while I understand you wanting to keep this private for the time being, I would stop saving her blushes. She doesn't deserve the easy landing out of this that you have given her. Only for you found out about the affair yourself she could still be lying to your face and in your bed. She must not be allowed to let people believe that she ended things with you then magically met up with this guy, the truth must be known about him and her. She might try this tactic so your mutual friends will accept him with open arms. Not on my bloody watch they wouldn't.

Stop making life easy for her, when she's done nothing but caused you pain and complete life upheaval. Don't let her infidelity control how you live your life any longer. Set yourself free of her manky little secret and start your new new life. Reinvent yourself, take up new hobbies, travel, use meet up groups to meet people from all different walks of life. Scrap the old calendar and make a new one for yourself.

I wish you all the very best, you really deserve someone wonderful in your life that loves you as much as you love her. In time, when your heart is ready to love and trust again. Take care of yourself.

nthclare

Hi Op
You're not the only guy going through this, believe you me <Snip>

It's usually the types who you wouldn't expect it society wouldn't expect, <Snip>

I've seen it before, then you'd have a woman who's outspoken about being attracted to other guys and having banter with you about Beckham or George Clooney or what ever.
They're usually the ones who are trustworthy as everyone fancies someone other than their partner, not enough to be unfaithful, but enough to be honest.

<Snip>

I totally empathise with you, been there myself.

Some silver fox in the missus work place giving her the "how's your father " isn't nice and takes quite a while to get over.

She sounds like a right <Snip> to be honest

Big Bag of Chips

nthclare, welcome to the Personal Issues forum. Please read The Forum Charter at the top of the Forum before posting again. I have had to snip a lot of your post as the language used falls far short of the language expected here.

Please do not respond to a moderator instruction on thread. Any queries, send via pm.

sashafierce

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ginandtonicsky

sashafierce wrote: »

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Three months is no time at all. I don't think it had even hit me by that stage, I was walking around like a headless chicken for about six months before it really hit home.

Be patient and kind to yourself and let the feelings come. They eventually leave too. I'm about a year out and beginning to feel human again. I still cried about him last week though. Just once though, as opposed to several times :pac::o

Your ex was one phase in your life and now it's time to move onto another one. OP - glad to hear you're taking some time to go travelling and make some new memories. I'm not religious at all, but I've had things happen to me in this past year that really made it feel as though someone was looking out for me - moments of fun and joy when things were really dark and I badly needed a leg up. New people coming into my life at opportune moments and teaching me there was a world outside of my ex. Keep being brave and keep connecting with people around you. There's so much love and happiness ahead for you x

sashafierce

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JustAThought

OP glad to read that you have made some posutive changes and that your friends and famiky have been so supportive. I woildnt take the advice of one here who says to cut out all your friends and find new ones - old friends are very important and although it may be tricky and there may be some conflicting loyalties and losses she should not get to keep all your friends on top of everything else she has destroyed. Stay strong. Thinking of you.

joeduffy382

sashafierce wrote: »

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Hey, sorry I haven't had a chance to respond as yet.

I hope you are doing okay. I can't say that I am alrite but I'm alive and kicking and have leaned on friends and family where they were required.

My only advice to you is to speak to someone who is completely removed from the situation and can give you totally objective advice, ideally a counselor or similar. Honestly the best decision I've made in all of this shambles has been to do that. I hope today is a good day for you.

sashafierce

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SoapMcTavish

corcaigh1 wrote: »

F*ck that, people have been married 20 or 30 years and have broken up, divorced etc and got over it and moved on with their lives...


You wont be on your own for too long dont worry about that, its tough but time is all it takes to get over it and you will move on and be happy with your life. Your still very young, cut her loose and drive on...

My marriage of 24 years ended just before Christmas - so apart around 6 months now. She moved out. We are legally separated, and I've paid her a fair share of the equity in the house.
I was devastated. Saw no hope. Saw myself alone forever. Missed her touch. The chats. The comfortable silences. Missed us.
But I dragged myself up. Found activities outside the pub. Took up an instrument. Found new circles. New friends. Started exercising properly.
I can honestly say that I have never been so happy. I have lots of new interesting friends. I've hooked up with some lovely and fun girls. I'm very busy. I'm excited and exhausted all the time now.
Time is the key. And activity. The first few months were very difficult. But I had to start minding myself. And it has paid off. My old friends are still around. We still do the normal buddy things. But I have so many new options now too.
It sound trite to say it'll get better. I didn't believe that. But it does. My wife will always be the love of my life, but I have a 2nd life now. With new and different emotions and relationships. I'm single - took me a while to realize that ! So there are no barriers.
I know it hurts and I'm sorry for your situation. And looking at this thread - there are a lot of us in the same boat. Time will heal the heart, company and activity will heal your soul. Best wishes.

sashafierce

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SoapMcTavish

sashafierce wrote: »

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The only girl I ever really argued with is my wife. We had some challenges in recent years. Bereavements can lead us all to question our choices, and futures.
We both have corporate jobs. Hers requires a lot of travel. We lost something. Something intangible. Not the love. But maybe the desire ? The passion ? She recognized this and acted on it. I was blindsided. But it turns out she was correct. We were in cruise mode. She wants to be happy. And she wants me to be happy.
I didn't choose this breakup. But I will not let it define me - I'll be brave from now on. I'm healing. And I'll get out the other side. Nearly there.

sashafierce

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Colser

sashafierce wrote: »

I always think once there is love there is hope but I don't know If I am right in that thinking anymore

I thought so too but now I know that there needs to be trust ..you can fall back in love but once the trust is gone it's gone imo.

UsBus

joeduffy382 wrote: »

Hi all, just a little update to say that I'm still alive and kicking. We are now living apart and that has become the new normal, there's no real sight of a resolution on the horizon.

I'm changing jobs in 2 months, taking a month off in between, planning to do a little travelling. Very lonely but my mates & family have been unbelievably good to me so saying yes to every offer of a meetup or call that comes my way.

Reading through your post OP was tough. It brought back a lot of memories for me. 12 months ago this week, my ex announced after 3 years of marriage that she wanted to split up. We were together for 5 years before marrying. I was gutted at the time, even though I knew things were up and down between us, but never any major rows or fights. I posted on here at the time, and received some excellent advice from some very sound posters, much of which I have tried to stick to since. My initial though like you, was how was I going to go back to being on my own, moving out, and the loneliness that comes with all of that.

I spent a lot of time in the gym for the first 6 months, trying to fill as much time as possible. I've a very small family, but they were brilliant even though my moods were all over the place. My few friends are at the settled with young kids stage so I couldn't just pick up with the pub every week. It's a different scene these days.

The loneliness is tough, no doubt about it, still is at times. Absolutely everyone you see seems to be a couple..But if I can offer any advice at all, don't be in a rush to sort everything out. When relationships end, memories and all that closeness take time to fade, but they will. Try and enjoy your own company and don't be in a panic to meet someone.

I moved from my home into a rented room, has been up and down, mostly fine though, meeting new people through work and trying to reestablish connections. I have a mortgage application going through to get my own place, although I'm not rushing to get it done. I've met someone recently as well, it's early days but am enjoying new experiences..

Give it time & you will move on. For me, I realised I was terrified of being on my own more than missing the relationship. That made the change a lot easier for me. Best of luck in the coming months. Keep talking and meeting up with people, not always easy but it definitely has helped me.

joeduffy382

Thanks again to anyone who has posted and it is very uplifting to hear of people who have come through this. For anyone fresh into it, talk to someone as much as you can, unload your mind.

I'm not sure of the etiquette here about posting only every so often, apologies if I'm out of line.

Having a tough week to be honest, some of the "he said, she said" stuff has begun and it has gotten a little bit fractious at times. I'm trying very very hard to keep above it but I know that she has told people that "we broke up, it didn't work out" which is a little disingenuous to my mind. I'm purposely not asking anyone what she has said to them as I don't want to put them in a position of betraying that trust and trying to take the higher road and a longer term view on things.

I've shut off social media stuff for a while, I'm eating well and have been doing a lot of cycling and going to the gym. Finding that the actual act of going to bed is actually one of the hardest parts at the moment as there is no place left to hide from the fact I am very much alone once the light goes out. Winter is on my mind at the moment as the weather at the minute completely lends itself to getting out and being active in an attempt to tire myself out. "Winter is coming" :rolleyes::o

All in, I'm okay but just finding it tough to adjust to this new state of being on my own, albeit with amazing friends and family around me. A million thanks again to everyone who has taken the time out to comment and pass on their message of support or shared their experience. I had no idea how much a text message, call, quick chat, or even a random posting from an internet person on a message board can mean to someone until now.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note
OP, the thread can remain open for as long as you need it. You are going through a tough time, and if getting advice from people here can help you through, even if only occasionally, then we are happy to facilitate that.

Non-Mod Note!
She is going to minimise her fault in the breakdown of your relationship. She's very unlikely to tell people what really happened. You make sure that the people who are important to you know what happened so they have the information they need to support you.

Others are irrelevant. They don't need to know the details. If there are mutual friends, word will leak out to them. If she suddenly has a new boyfriend that she's introducing people to, they'll put 2 and 2 together. I'm not sympathising with her in any way, but if she is continuing this relationship with him, then she will be lying to everyone close to her about the start of it. It can't be a comfortable position she's I'm, and of course she'll know that there are many people who do know the real truth.

You are doing so well. If you think back to the start of this and you honestly could see no way forward, now, even though it is still very early days, you are already feeling better about the whole thing. Winter is a long way off yet, don't worry about that!

I hope other people in similar circumstances will read your post and be able to take hope from it.

KrustyUCC

Fair play OP

Great to hear that you are eating well, getting exercise and have the support of amazing friends and family

It can't be easy to keep the higher road

I know that I couldn't esp with the way she treated you

Like BBOC said word will leak out as to the real reason behind the break up

There will be tough weeks but it's great how far you have come

Keep the focus on eating well, exercise and getting out

It all helps

SoapMcTavish

And move out of your comfort zone. Go to events and get togethers that are outside of your norm.

That's what I've done and I've met some great people and move in some new circles now. New experiences. And maybe some closer friendships too !!!

Best wishes. Keep moving forward. The load will get lighter with time. Promise.

heretothere

Well done OP, you sound like you're doing great. Don't worry about winter just enjoy the summer.

MissShihTzu

That's it. Baby steps. You're gong through a very bad patch, but you seem to be doing really well.

You're right to ignore the 'he said, she said' stuff. You and she know what went down, you're dealing with it, you have support and that's all that matters. ****everyone else and their tuppence worth! Their lives must be pretty bleak if they are listening to gossip.

Enjoy the weather, and look after yourself!

joeduffy382

Hi all, on a bit of a downer at the minute as I'm sick and the reality of being on my own when I could do with some company is really biting. I've had very little contact with my (ex I guess) wife recently, we both have solicitors and it's almost down to finding a number to settle our financial affairs.

My mates are still checking in on me but they obviously have their own lives to lead and I don't want to be wrecking their head with my stuff all the time either. I heard back through a friend that she's touting a "I made a mistake and it went too far" story which is disingenuous at best and very calculating at worst. I feel like there is absolutely no equity in this situation, over the last few weeks I've had to tell my extended family the truth about why they haven't seen us together and why I've been out of sorts, she is totally scott-free of any of the fallout. She's started to set the scene for herself and this guy aswell at work by saying that "we broke up" without the rest of the story, it's really bugging me now that she can leave people to fill in the gaps maybe with bad thoughts about me.

I've been out and about with friends but I've found that a certain point in the night comes where I'm fully expecting to see them come around the corner together without a care in the world and that's kinda the night ruined as I'm just scanning the crowd and I know it's time to go home. I've already had the experience of seeing this guy out, he didn't spot me, in a massive crowd. I weighed up all of the options, decided there was nothing positive to be achieved so finished my beer and walked away.

I'm venting here but just putting down a couple of bad days. I was missing her and our life together last night so in an attempt to snap myself out of it, I read through text messages that she had sent me that I know now were bare-faced lies. I know this is going to be a rollercoaster for a while but it's the lack of justice and equity that's really getting to me at the moment.

/rant

I hope all of the other people who have posted about their experiences are doing well, thanks again to you all.

nikkibikki

joeduffy382 wrote:

I'm venting here but just putting down a couple of bad days. I was missing her and our life together last night so in an attempt to snap myself out of it, I read through text messages that she had sent me that I know now were bare-faced lies. I know this is going to be a rollercoaster for a while but it's the lack of justice and equity that's really getting to me at the moment.

The life you miss though was a lie. She isn't who you thought she was. Get your side of the story out there if that'll make you feel better. Will it though? You don't have to do it maliciously. Get your friends to correct the people who are coming to them with her version.

SoapMcTavish

joeduffy382 wrote: »

I'm venting here but just putting down a couple of bad days. I was missing her and our life together last night so in an attempt to snap myself out of it, I read through text messages that she had sent me that I know now were bare-faced lies. I know this is going to be a rollercoaster for a while but it's the lack of justice and equity that's really getting to me at the moment.

Just last week - my ex of 24 yr marriage came out with the "new" relationship/partner thing too. They've been in some intimate situations and locations for a couple who've just got together. And I think everyone can see that. Truth is - I believe this bloke was there during our marriage. Probably a work colleague ?
Anyway - changes nothing for me. We are separated. Don't care what she does any more. Don't care if she's happy or sad. All I care about now is myself, and my son - who lives with me. Only forward.
I've changed my outlook on life, and become much more outgoing. As a result, I've met plenty of ladies. Some very young and full of energy, some older - my own age ( 40's ). And even a few older ladies. The fear is gone.
It took time, but my ex is not the first thought on my mind in the morning anymore. The pain has become a background noise that only hurts when I choose to hear it. I recognize now all the things that were wrong in my marriage, and I won't make those mistakes again if I get serious with anyone. I actually believe that breaking up was the right thing for us. I like me now. I like this happy me. My life now is going to be the life I choose.
Best wishes.

ginandtonicsky

Ah sorry to hear you're going through a bad spell OP. For what it's worth, I personally have found how you've handled yourself throughout this inspiring to say the least (that's coming from someone who was a hot mess of emotions and irrational behaviours for more than a year in the aftermath of my breakup!) You've exhibited dignity and grace and if I can pick that up on an anonymous message board, you can be sure that's what's coming across in real-life too. So I wouldn't worry too much about "clearing your name" or any of that stuff.

It also shows a big contrast between you and your ex, who has clearly lacked integrity and honesty from the get-go here. She obviously doesn't deserve you.

I think how she's handling it and attempting to gloss over the details is to be expected - she's hardly going to tell people "I messed up my marriage by having an affair". She'll spin it in such a way to get off scot-free, illicit sympathy and make way for someone new, whether it's this guy or someone else.

Don't worry about her now, just keep powering through. The pain and loneliness can be so intense - I still get waves of it - but it lessens over time. I think the last poster described it very well - it becomes a background noise that doesn't have to dictate the course of your day after a certain amount of time. I've noticed I'll have good days and bad days, the good ones are usually when I'm too busy and have too much to think about to have room for the sadness.

I hope you get well soon and keep posting here if it helps - we're all rooting for you. You're a good 'un