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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • #3152
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,121 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    TheBody wrote: »
    My coworker was recently crushed by a stack of falling chickpeas. The police suspect hummuside.

    The co-workers were quoted as saying "he was such a nice guy. Vegan't believe it"


  • #3153
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    joeguevara wrote: »
    Got up this morning and round the block five times. Then I got tired, picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.

    I did fifty pull ups today.


    Guess it's time for a new belt.


  • #3154
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Saw an ad today for a college that said "state of the art facilities". I'm not sure if they have really good general facilities or really bad art facilities.


  • #3155
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,213 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    TheBody wrote: »
    My coworker was recently crushed by a stack of falling chickpeas. The police suspect hummuside.

    There’ll be a big turnip (turnup)at his funeral.
    Lettuce hope.


  • #3156
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    tayto lover wrote: »
    There’ll be a big turnip (turnup)at his funeral.
    Lettuce hope.

    Peas be with you.


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  • #3157
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,213 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Ted_YNWA wrote: »
    Peas be with you.

    You’re a decent human bean.


  • #3158
    jimgoose
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,180 ✭✭✭✭jimgoose


    Ted_YNWA wrote: »
    Peas be with you.

    And orzo with you.


  • #3159
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,020 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I can barley contain my tears.


  • #3160
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Did you see the movie about the hotdog?

    It was an oscar wiener..


  • #3161
    Buford T. Justice XIX
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    Lettuce all move on from the food puns.


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  • #3162
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    Nacho sure that can do done


  • #3163
    TheRiverman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,230 ✭✭✭TheRiverman


    Miss Piggy got pregnant by an astronaut.
    More pigs in space.


  • #3164
    Better Than Christ
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,135 ✭✭✭Better Than Christ


    What does a man with a twelve inch cock have for breakfast?

    Well, this morning I had a boiled egg.


  • #3165
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife and I have decided to go down the adoption route and have discussed our preferences.

    She wants a girl and I want a Snow Leopard.


  • #3166
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Some people can be so unnecessarily rude.

    Take this morning for example. My new neighbours knocked on my door to introduce themselves and I told them to **** off.


  • #3167
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,099 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

    Dr. Dre


  • #3168
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    **BREAKING NEWS**
    Shopkeeper who stopped armed robber with a labelling gun dies.

    Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.


  • #3169
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Just caught my pecker in my zip
    God it hurts
    No more zip up boots for me..


  • #3170
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    joeguevara wrote: »
    Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

    Dr. Dre

    Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

    For the drizzle


  • #3171
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,463 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h04HIrCeapY


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  • #3172
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I became increasingly worried about my obsession with lyrics written by Prince so I went to the doctor.
    Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?


  • #3173
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I just lost my job manufacturing keyboards.

    Apparently I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.


  • #3174
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I just got turned down for a job at Citroen

    Turns out you need 2 CVs


  • #3175
    Melania Frump
    Closed Accounts Posts: 237 ✭✭Melania Frump


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    I became increasingly worried about my obsession with lyrics written by Prince so I went to the doctor.
    Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?

    Might have been the same as when I went with depression and my Sinead O Conner lyric obsession.
    He said "girl ya gotta try to have fun no matter what ya do"
    But he's a fool.


  • #3176
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    On a recent trip to America I was bitten by a rattlesnake.

    It died of alcohol poisoning.


  • #3177
    Professor Moriarty
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,380 ✭✭✭✭Professor Moriarty


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    On a recent trip to America I was bitten by a rattlesnake.

    It died of alcohol poisoning.

    The man recovered from the bite,
    The dog it was that died.


  • #3178
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Me: "rock a bye baby, on the tree top, when the wind blows..."

    Guard: "no, I asked if you had an alibi."


  • #3179
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
    Cost me an arm and a leg!


  • #3180
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    I've had a really difficult time lately.
    My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, it could be worse, you could be underground in a hole full of water".

    I know he means well.


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  • #3181
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,274 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    What's the best thing about gardening?

    Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

    To thine own self be true



  • #3182
    its_steve116
    Registered Users Posts: 2,631 ✭✭✭its_steve116


    What do you get when you cross a former Tipperary TD with Buzz Lightyear's arch enemy?

    Martin Man-Zurg


  • #3183
    FrancieBrady
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 69,926 ✭✭✭✭FrancieBrady


    Q: What do you get if you cross Donald Trump and Prince Andrew?

    A: Killed in a prison cell.


  • #3184
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    **BREAKING NEWS**
    A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger..


  • #3185
    jaykay74
    Registered Users Posts: 6,586 ✭✭✭jaykay74


    What have Prince Andrew and Man United got in common?

    Both awful since Fergie left


  • #3186
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,583 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    A man was pulled over on the highway after police observed that he was following a Brinks truck.

    When asked to explain, he said, "follow the money."


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  • #3187
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The stages of grief:
    1) Anger
    2) Denial
    3) Bargaining
    4) Desperation
    5) Sign Jose Mourinho
    6) Acceptance


  • #3188
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,213 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    The Six Million Dollar Man screwed the arse off the Bionic Woman.


  • #3189
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    Anyone for bum jokes ? Cos I've got piles ....


  • #3190
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Saw Emile Heskey in Tesco earlier.

    Went to push his trolley through the door but put it wide


  • #3191
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52,213 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Saw your car outside the VD clinic.
    You must have been poxed to get parking there.


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  • #3192
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Polish is what I studied for three years.

    Now I know which one works best for each surface.


  • #3193
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Polish is what I studied for three years.

    Now I know which one works best for each surface.
    Did you take a shine to it ?


  • #3194
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    I've just bought a new aftershave,it smells like breadcrumbs...

    The birds love it!.


  • #3195
    TheBody
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,629 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I've been diagnosed with the chronic fear of giants...

    Feefiphobia.


  • #3196
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Josés last 6 jobs. You couldn't make it up :D

    C helsea
    I nter
    R eal
    C helsea
    U nited
    S purs


  • #3197
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I said to my neighbour, "I'm not one to tell tales, but I saw your son with a prostitute in town today."

    He said, "Are you sure? He was out with his Mother."

    I said, "Oh, that was your wife, sorry."


  • #3198
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    Saw this frisbee the other day , it kept getting bigger and bigger .... then it hit me.


  • #3199
    Oscar1978
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Oscar1978


    The wife and I were shopping today in Tesco. All of a sudden she shouts " you're the laziest bastard I know "!! I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.


  • #3200
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I shot my first turkey today.

    Scared the **** out of everyone in Tesco though.


  • #3201
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,450 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The ringtone for my phone is:

    Da da da da DAH da

    Da da da da da

    Da da da da da DAAAAAAH








    It's a Huawei 5.0.


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