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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #2372
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,566 ✭✭✭patmac


    My girlfriend dumped me, so I took her crutches.

    Guess who came crawling back?


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    #2373
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.

    Schwepped her off her feet.


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    #2374
    Edward M
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭Edward M


    Someone killed my donkey by shooting him in the ass, it was an assassination


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    #2375
    chewed
    Registered Users Posts: 3,407 ✭✭✭chewed


    Where does a lonely Scottish guy go for pizza?






    Naples


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    #2376
    Microdot
    Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭Microdot


    A Jamaican goes into the doctors with his dick stuck in a bottle of fabric softener and says,


    "I'm in Discomfort."


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    #2377
    Microdot
    Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭Microdot


    Paddy goes to buy a car with £100. He asks the salesman - have you got any cars for a hundred quid. Yeah he replies, we have one but its got no doors. Paddy says - well how the **** am I going to get in it!


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    #2378
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

    Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

    The dad said, Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes.

    The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!


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    #2379
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,811 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I was booked into a swanky hotel for a business trip. I was laying spreadeagled on the bed stark naked when the chambermaid came in
























    eventually.


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    #2380
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.


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    #2381
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

    The genie said, Nope, sorry, three wish genies are just a myth. I'm a one wish genie. So what'll it be?

    The woman did not hesitate. She said, I want peace in the Middle East.

    See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.

    The genie looked at the map and said , Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years.

    I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good.

    I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.

    The woman thought for a minute and said, Well I've never been able to find the right man.

    You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

    That is what I wish for...a good man.

    The genie let out a sigh and said, Let me see that fu*king lamp again.


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    #2382
    tigerboon
    Registered Users Posts: 721 ✭✭✭tigerboon


    Microdot wrote: »
    A Jamaican goes into the doctors with his dick stuck in a bottle of fabric softener and says,


    "I'm in Discomfort."

    Fancy dress party in a New York nightclub years ago.The theme is emotions. Two guys rock up completely naked except for one guy had a cuddly toy stuck to his dick and the other guy had a creme brulee stuck to his. Doorman's there to the first guy "t'**** you doin man" to which the guy replies "I's deep in disbear". "Ok, good one" says the doorman and lets him in and looks to the 2nd guy and goes "and what's your story?" " well I's f**kin discustard"


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    #2383
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

    Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.


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    #2384
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,448 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'” The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She reads slowly."


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    #2385
    Dakotabigone
    Site Banned Posts: 512 ✭✭✭Dakotabigone


    Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69. Paddy’s never done one before so Mary says she’ll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologizing she tries again but farts again. Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling “Ill be ****ed if I’m hanging around for 67 more of them”…..


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    #2386
    Dakotabigone
    Site Banned Posts: 512 ✭✭✭Dakotabigone


    While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does
    not use a condom the entire time he is there.
    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
    The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
    The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want ,but surgery is your only option.”
    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
    “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
    “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”


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    #2387
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,811 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If whales are so intelligent why do they swim near Japan?


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    #2388
    Edward M
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭Edward M


    True story.
    Stephen Hendry is playing Joe Swail in snooker, Swail snookers Hendry, Hendry misses six attempts to get out of the snooker and virtually hands the frame and match to Swail.
    Steve Davis is commentating on the match and says, Swail won by riding Hendry misses.


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    #2389
    coldfire1x
    Registered Users Posts: 3,353 ✭✭✭coldfire1x


    I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car yesterday.

    I said, "Do you need any help with that plasma mate?"

    He looked at me very angrily and said, "F*** off you prick, it’s a kindle!"


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    #2390
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I’ve been learning how to guess a dog’s weight. Picked up a few pointers today.


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    #2391
    coldfire1x
    Registered Users Posts: 3,353 ✭✭✭coldfire1x


    I was at my doctor's yesterday. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
    I replied, "You mean like bacon or sausage?" He answered, "No fatty. Don't eat anything!"


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    #2392
    coldfire1x
    Registered Users Posts: 3,353 ✭✭✭coldfire1x


    Gutted! My wife just left me because I never put the toilet seat down...

    To be fair, I'm not even sure why I started carrying it!


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    #2393
    milltown
    Registered Users Posts: 4,613 ✭✭✭milltown


    My next door neighbour got a penis extension.
    His house looks stupid now.


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    #2394
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my penis...

    Weirdo never showed up.


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    #2395
    Dakotabigone
    Site Banned Posts: 512 ✭✭✭Dakotabigone


    A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering.

    Ta Pauline.


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    #2396
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Well for my holidays last year, i threw a dart at a map of the world, and decided to go to where the dart landed

    I had a fantastic two weeks sitting next to the skirting board.


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    #2397
    Dakotabigone
    Site Banned Posts: 512 ✭✭✭Dakotabigone


    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
    'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?
    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
    'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong


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    #2398
    Bob Harris
    Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    My teacher told me I'd be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia, but so far I've made three jugs and a vase so fuck you Mr McPherson !.


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    #2399
    Dakotabigone
    Site Banned Posts: 512 ✭✭✭Dakotabigone


    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
    On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
    The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
    The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
    She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
    Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
    "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
    "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
    The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
    The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
    "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
    The man replies,
    "Listen Lady, I'm 64 years old. I only get an erection once a week. But, I Fart 35 times a Day"...


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    #2400
    ohnonotgmail
    Registered Users Posts: 40,184 ✭✭✭✭ohnonotgmail


    Emile Zola once wrote an open letter complaining about the size of his hot-tub. It was a little j'accuse-y


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    #2401
    branie2
    Registered Users Posts: 10,295 ✭✭✭✭branie2


    How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
    Tell her a joke on Friday


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