The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

One day, three roofers were on a roof, taking a break and eating their
lunches. The Mexican man got tacos, the Italian man got pasta, and
the Blond-haired guy got a bologna and cheese sandwich.

The Mexican guy said, "If I get tacos again tomorrow, I will jump off this roof!"
The Italian guy said, "If I get pasta again tomorrow, I will jump off this roof!"
The Blond-haired guy said,
"If I get a bologna & cheese sandwich tomorrow, I will jump off this roof!"

---

The Next Day ----
All three guys looked in their lunch pails. Sure enough! The Mexican had
tacos, the Italian got pasta and the Blond got bologna and cheese!
Sooooo...they all jumped off the roof and they all died.

---- At Their Funeral ----
The Mexican's wife cried,
"If I only knew he did not want tacos... He should have told me!"

The Italian's wife cried, "If he did not want pasta, he should have told me!"

The Blond's wife said crying,
"Don't look at me... He made his own lunch!!"

natashaob6 wrote: »

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says, you have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day?

No, replies the doctor, take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, how’s your husband?

Oh he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy.

I’m very sorry to hear that, says the doctor,

I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.

Oh the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy,

It was all the bloody skipping that killed him

You're repeating yourself...


Post #2149

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my Wife.

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its' advice.

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort.??

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed..!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

Thaddeus Shaggy Satin wrote: »

You're repeating yourself...


Post #2149

Sorry. I will try not to repeat the jokes in the future.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother,

Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground.

Before her mother could raise any concerns, Sally went on to say, It reminded me of a peanut.

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, Really small, was it?

Sally replied, No, salty.

Her Mom fainted.

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked this week, the guards are on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it running smoothly.
What's the story asks the blonde?

Just crap in the carburator, the mechanic replied.

How often do I have to do that asked the blonde?

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied,

Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Little Lucy went next.

My dad owns a farm too.

Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.

Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

Next up was little Johnny.

My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.

He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.

On the way down, he drank the case of beer.

Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.

He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!

So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.

Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

The teacher looked a little shocked.

After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

Well,"Johnny replied,

Don't f*ck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.

One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'

The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.

While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.

How come you gave up so quickly?

The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's.