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One-Liner Jokes

1…8182848687…118

Comments

  • #4152
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,227 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I was halfway through eating a horse when I realised I wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was.


  • #4153
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,227 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My teacher said I’d end up walking the streets unless I paid attention in class, which is ironic because now I’m a postman.


  • #4154
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,869 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    barneygumble99 wrote: »
    I was halfway through eating a horse when I realised I wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was.
    Ah!
    that's what El Gaucho meant ,
    in his one-line from Tim Vine.


  • #4155
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    There was once a king that was only a foot tall! They say he was a good ruler.


  • #4156
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just seen that Trump is on a golf course

    Didn't Hitler end up in a bunker as well?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4157
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I married my wife for her looks, just not the ones she’s been giving me lately

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4158
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    My US father in law was dropped into Japan as a spy by the OSS during the second world war. He had perfect Japanese, knew their culture and had the customs and dress perfectly yet he was caught almost straight away. He asked his captors how did they catch him? was it his accent? No they said the accent was 'perfect like a local but you are black!'


  • #4159
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Accidentally spilt some tomato sauce in my eye. In Heinz sight it was a stupid mistake

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4160
    geminiman63
    Registered Users Posts: 125 ✭✭geminiman63


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Accidentally spilt some tomato sauce in my eye. In Heinz sight it was a stupid mistake

    Haven't seen you in a while we must ketchup :pac:


  • #4161
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Origami finals will be on TV tonight, for those watching with paperview

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4162
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Next year English Christmas dinners won't have sprouts, they don't want anything to do with Brussels anymore.


  • #4163
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,101 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    saabsaab wrote: »
    Next year English Christmas dinners won't have sprouts, they don't want anything to do with Brussels anymore.

    They will probably just make a balls of the cabbage.


  • #4164
    greenspurs
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,676 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    if you fart and sneeze at the same time, your body takes a screen shot ..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... " #NoPopcorn



  • #4165
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    There was a man found dead on the street last night, clutching a bundle of IOUs. Police suspect vowel play.


  • #4166
    RayCon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,873 ✭✭✭RayCon


    Went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked "Have u ever shoed a horse?"

    "No" I said, "but I once told a donkey to fcuk off"


  • #4167
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Santa and the reindeer have to wear masks this Christmas due to covid. It's an Elf and safety measure.


  • #4168
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    RayCon wrote: »
    Went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked "Have u ever shoed a horse?"

    "No" I said, "but I once told a donkey to fcuk off"

    Was asked in a job interview what my weaknesses are, and I answered "honesty. I'm too honest."

    "Really?" asked the interviewer. "I don't think honesty is a weakness".

    "Well, I don't give a fcuk what you think," I replied.


  • #4169
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Googled 'how to light a cigar' & got 80,000 matches.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4170
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks.

    A Labracadabrador!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4171
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Yesterday, I swam with a Dolphin for hours, we just clicked.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4172
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Ever wondered what do rocket scientists say when one of them doesn't understand something at work?


  • #4173
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    Ever wondered what do rocket scientists say when one of them doesn't understand something at work?

    It’s not brain surgery?

    I always wonder what the guy who invented the drawing board would’ve gone back to if he got it wrong.


  • #4174
    ShatterAlan
    Registered Users Posts: 2,807 ✭✭✭ShatterAlan


    John_Rambo wrote: »
    Billy Holiday.


    And if his son was in Gibraltar you could call him


    Kid Rock :p


  • #4175
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Reminds me of the Harry Enfield sketch..


  • #4176
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to the wife, "If you could do one thing to my body, what would it be?"

    She said, " Have me Identify it."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #4177
    Bandana boy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,335 ✭✭✭Bandana boy


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    It’s not brain surgery?

    I always wonder what the guy who invented the drawing board would’ve gone back to if he got it wrong.



  • #4178
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,626 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Why don’t owls go dating when it’s raining?

    It’s too wet to woo! :)

    (Courtesy of Marty on LyricFM)


  • #4179
    ForestFire
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,484 ✭✭✭ForestFire


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    It’s not brain surgery?

    I always wonder what the guy who invented the drawing board would’ve gone back to if he got it wrong.

    Back to Basics?


  • #4180
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Bandana boy wrote: »

    Brilliant. Genuinely hadn't seen that before.


  • #4181
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Gloomtastic! wrote: »
    Why don’t owls go dating when it’s raining?

    It’s too wet to woo! :)

    (Courtesy of Marty on LyricFM)

    Here's me thinking the wetter you are, the easier it would be to woo


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  • #4182
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Autopsy club party tonight! Open Mike night!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4183
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Autopsy club party tonight! Open Mike night!


    I'm sure there are lots of people dying to go.


  • #4184
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,490 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Autopsy club party tonight! Open Mike night!

    The first rule of autopsy club is none of them can talk about autopsy club.


  • #4185
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,483 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Victor wrote: »
    The first rule of autopsy club is none of them can talk about autopsy club.
    Don't dissect the joke.


  • #4186
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Upon seeing my new tattoo, my angered spouse retaliated by getting a breast reduction; it was tit for tat.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4187
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Played scrabble with the wife yesterday, it's the only way i can get a word in.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4188
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it...Read the entire thread

    https://twitter.com/MangoDassle/status/1330621397039783936


  • #4189
    stoneill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,609 ✭✭✭stoneill


    I asked a few people to explain LBGTQ, but no one could give me a straight answer.


  • #4190
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4191
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,227 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I only ever managed to reverse park successfully once, which was on my driving test, and I haven’t looked back since.


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  • #4192
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Decked the halls today, other halls better watch out

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4193
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,101 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    MOR316 wrote: »
    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it...Read the entire thread

    https://twitter.com/MangoDassle/status/1330621397039783936

    One of the best nicknames I ever heard was a local Cork gaa team. Two brothers were playing and the older one was nicknamed Chilli. The reason was that the brothers name was Con and their surname was Carnet.... Chilli Con Carney.

    Another one was the corner back was nicknamed Shergar. Thought it was to do with speed or pedigree... Nope, simply was when needed he was never to be found.


  • #4194
    joeguevara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,101 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    After 14 failed job interviews, I'm beginning to think that my lucky tracksuit isn't so lucky.


  • #4195
    StevenToast
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,672 ✭✭✭StevenToast


    Ryan Tubridy deserves his €500,000 a year salary.

    "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining." - Fletcher



  • #4196
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The bug-eyed boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Dad, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4197
    Biafranlivemat
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 386 ✭✭Biafranlivemat


    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it.

    He hasn't stated publicly, what his opinion is, on Poland.

    https://notthebee.com/article/a-guy-named-adolf-hitler-won-an-election-in-nambia-seriously


  • #4198
    saabsaab
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,239 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Biafranlivemat wrote: »
    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it.

    He hasn't stated publicly, what his opinion is, on Poland.

    https://notthebee.com/article/a-guy-named-adolf-hitler-won-an-election-in-nambia-seriously


    He's back! and this time he's Black!


  • #4199
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Do gun manuals have a trouble shooting section?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4200
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,741 ✭✭✭Worztron


    535311.jpg

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #4201
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,355 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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