The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

brandon_flowers · 24-02-2011 11:59pm

You need a bit of agricultural background for this one.

Old Johnny walks into his local and goes to the stool where he sits every night for his quiet few pints. He finds a small Chinese man sitting in his chair and says “Can you get off my stool please?” The Chinese man refuses and Johnny proceeds to tell him “My grandfather sta in that stool every night until he died, and my father sat there every night after that until he died and I will sit there every night until I die” The Chinese man again refuses to get up. Old Johnny grabs the Chinese man but in a flash Johnny is on the ground with a burst nose.

The Chinese man calls over the barman and says “When he-a wake up-a you tell him that was-a Kung Fu chop”

The following night Johnny comes in with the nose bandaged up and the Chinese man is in his seat again. The same thing happens with Johnny giving his story and the Chinese man refuses. Old Johnny goes to grab the Chinese man again but Johnny is on the ground again in seconds.

The Chinese man calls over the barman and says “When he-a wake up-a you tell him that was-a Kung Fu kick”

There is no sign of Johnny for a few days until he comes in again with a big long trench coat on. The Chinese man is sitting on his stool so Johnny goes and sits in the corner quietly sipping a pint. Johnny waits for the Chinese man to go to the toilet and then follows him in, There is a fierce racket being made in the toilets like everything is being pulled off the wall and the ceiling is falling in.

After a few minutes Old Johnny comes out, goes over to the barman and says “Tell that bollox when he wakes up that was the top link off a 165”

older i get better i was · 25-02-2011 12:36am

If the "samaritans" really gave a fcuk they'd ring you first!!!

Gran Hermano · 25-02-2011 1:17am

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't multi-taskk, ypu know like do do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was shagging you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****e... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

--Kaiser-- · 25-02-2011 12:01pm

brandon_flowers wrote: »

After a few minutes Old Johnny comes out, goes over to the barman and says “Tell that bollox when he wakes up that was the top link off a 165”

A what?

Coriolanus · 25-02-2011 12:12pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

A what?

I think its farmspeak. Probably a type of tractor or something.

--Kaiser-- · 25-02-2011 12:22pm

Nevore wrote: »

I think its farmspeak. Probably a type of tractor or something.

Ah! A Massey Ferguson 165 no doubt
http://www.dumelow.co.uk/MF165.jpg

Coriolanus · 26-02-2011 1:00am

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Ah! A Massey Ferguson 165 no doubt
http://www.dumelow.co.uk/MF165.jpg

There we go!
See, we know what the country kids are into!

Stu · 26-02-2011 3:17am

Regarding men not being able to multitask, i can and do on a daily basis. For example, yesterday evening i was having a **** with 1 hand, moving my mouse through various different porn movies on porntube with the other hand and watching Rangers v Sporting Lisbon in the Europa League all at the same time. Mind you i tried to pick up a cup of tea while doing the other 3 and nearly spilled the tea all over my cock. So, i can multitask to a point but i'm not a fookin octopus ladies.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 3:51am

Stu wrote: »

Regarding men not being able to multitask, i can and do on a daily basis. For example, yesterday evening i was having a **** with 1 hand, moving my mouse through various different porn movies on porntube with the other hand and watching Rangers v Sporting Lisbon in the Europa League all at the same time. Mind you i tried to pick up a cup of tea while doing the other 3 and nearly spilled the tea all over my cock. So, i can multitask to a point but i'm not a fookin octopus ladies.

Pathetic

Stu · 26-02-2011 4:06am

It's called having a sense of Humour "Galway K9" I think your on the wrong thread :rolleyes:

t0mm13b · 26-02-2011 4:20am

Stu wrote: »

Regarding men not being able to multitask, i can and do on a daily basis. For example, yesterday evening i was having a **** with 1 hand, moving my mouse through various different porn movies on porntube with the other hand and watching Rangers v Sporting Lisbon in the Europa League all at the same time. Mind you i tried to pick up a cup of tea while doing the other 3 and nearly spilled the tea all over my cock. So, i can multitask to a point but i'm not a fookin octopus ladies.

Hang on a sec... that's a roight shenanigan yer spielin on there about....

1 hand for a ****
moving a mouse with the other
watching a match all at the same time...

:pac:

So how in the fcuk can you pick up a cup of tea... if both hands are used ....? :P

That reeks of BS!!!

Stu · 26-02-2011 4:33am

I did say that i tried to pick up the cup of tea, obviously i put the mouse down but it all went a bit pearshaped and my brain was overloaded with too much information. I sort of fell back on the bed because my underpants were around my ankles and some tea went on my stomach but i managed to compose myself and normal service was resumed as soon as i put the tea back down

.

I should have called my better half to pour the tea into my mouth while i was doing the other stuff but she would have ended up laughing at me no doubt pointing out that she was right all along and that men can't multitask and i can't have her winning that arguement.

t0mm13b · 26-02-2011 4:36am

Stu wrote: »

I did say that i tried to pick up the cup of tea, obviously i put the mouse down but it all went a bit pearshaped and my brain was overloaded with too much information. I sort of fell back on the bed because my underpants were around my ankles and some tea went on my stomach but i managed to compose myself and normal service was resumed as soon as i put the tea back down .

I should have called my better half to pour the tea into my mouth while i was doing the other stuff but she would have ended up laughing at me no doubt pointing out that she was right all along and that men can't multitask and i can't have her winning that arguement.

Should have asked your OH to give you a helping hand

that woulda been handy :P :pac:

Stu · 26-02-2011 4:46am

No, in fairness, we tried that when she was watching coronation street 1 night but when a good part came on she would yank a bit too hard out of excitement at whatever she saw on the TV, and i'd be in bits. I just tug away myself beside her now while she's watching corrie and that seems to suit us both a lot better

.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 5:11am

Stu wrote: »

It's called having a sense of Humour "Galway K9" I think your on the wrong thread :rolleyes:

i have a great sense of humour i just think its bad:D

Sitec · 26-02-2011 5:17am

Stu wrote: »

No, in fairness, we tried that when she was watching coronation street 1 night but when a good part came on she would yank a bit too hard out of excitement at whatever she saw on the TV, and i'd be in bits. I just tug away myself beside her now while she's watching corrie and that seems to suit us both a lot better .

I would'nt blame you.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 5:22am

Sitec wrote: »

I would'nt blame you.

Man shes hot!!!

Wheres the soap?

Stu · 26-02-2011 5:42am

Good man Galway K9, come aboard.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 5:49am

ive been onboard a long time ha:D

Duiske · 26-02-2011 6:09am

How did they know lord Mountbatten had dandruff ?

They found his Head and Shoulders on the beach.

DundalkDuffman · 27-02-2011 12:39pm

EverEvolving wrote: »

Who's the nicest guy in a hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

And when the ultrasound guy is on holidays who is the nicest guy in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy.

im invisible · 27-02-2011 12:45pm

i hate them Italians, with their slanty eyes,

oh, wait no...

not Italians....

Italics

phelixoflaherty · 27-02-2011 12:46pm

Old one
The pole vault champion of East Germany is now the pole vault champion of West Germany

Savage Tyrant · 27-02-2011 12:51pm

phelixoflaherty wrote: »

Old one
The pole vault champion of East Germany is now the pole vault champion of West Germany

Haha... Reminds me of the other old one...

Why don't Mexico do very well at the Olympics??
Because anyone who can run, swim or jump, is already in America.

Ken. · 27-02-2011 1:05pm

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her
husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a
doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?

“No time at all,” says her husband, “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

DalkeyRose · 27-02-2011 1:29pm

What does 'W.I.F.E.' stand for???

Washing
Ironing
Fcuking
Etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

DalkeyRose · 27-02-2011 1:34pm

What's the difference between single men and married men?????

Single men come home, look what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married men come home, look what's in the bed and go to the fridge:cool:

copperfacegaz · 27-02-2011 1:47pm

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."She said, "Yes you are."I said, "No I'm f**king not."She said, "Can you tell the time?"I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f**king drunk."

copperfacegaz · 27-02-2011 1:48pm

I put my jeans and jumper into the washing machine last night and turned it on to a coloured wash.The jeans came out six times too big and the jumper came out with a hood on it.

DalkeyRose · 27-02-2011 2:14pm

My wife got me to believe in Religion.............

Until I married her, I didn't believe in HELL;)

pheasant tail · 27-02-2011 2:59pm

Heard this one yesterday made me laugh

ME - well boss,,sorry but i dont think ill make it to work today...

BOSS - Why?

Me- sorry but im suffering from anal blindness..

Boss - Anal blind ness,what?? what you mean..

ME - yaa anal blindness,just cant see my arse getting out of bed dismorning

Tar.Aldarion · 27-02-2011 3:06pm

/walk up close to their ear and whisper...

What's the difference between an erection and a ferrari?

I don't have a ferrari

Ronin247 · 27-02-2011 3:46pm

DalkeyRose wrote: »

What does 'W.I.F.E.' stand for???

Washing
Ironing
Fcuking
Etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

What does women stand for
Wait
On
Mans
Every
Need

Hootanany · 27-02-2011 4:54pm

Joe to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
*
*
*
Paddy: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."

*

Podge2k7 · 27-02-2011 5:19pm

Towards the end of the golf course, Jim hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature ! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups???

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone !!!

After Jim recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the Pussy Willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !!!!!'

Ken. · 27-02-2011 10:24pm

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted My money's on the one with the knife. You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

Piriz · 27-02-2011 11:05pm

Galway K9 wrote: »

Whats the difference between a Dublin Northsider and batman?

Batman can go shopping without robin!:D

Galway...where travelers settle!

^thats the joke!

Galway K9 · 27-02-2011 11:21pm

Piriz wrote: »

Galway...where travelers settle!

^thats the joke!

dont get ya?:)

Galway K9 · 27-02-2011 11:22pm

Why did the knacker get sick on the Bus?

He was a bad traveller!

Dolph Starbeam · 03-03-2011 1:02pm

What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?

You know for sure that your dad is a wanker

Dolph Starbeam · 03-03-2011 1:04pm

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!

briscotti · 03-03-2011 9:23pm

snickerpuss wrote: »

What's pink and hard?

Maths Paper Two

laughed for about 20 seconds solid. amazing.

CarrickMcJoe · 03-03-2011 9:29pm

What gets longer as it rubs between a womans breasts?

A SEATBELT

Fago! · 03-03-2011 11:55pm

I've got this painting of Stevie Wonder in my living room. It's really freaky. wherever you walk in the room it looks like his hands are following you.

Calibos · 04-03-2011 1:25am

How many Psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb??

One........but the lightbulb has to want to change......

Savage Tyrant · 04-03-2011 1:53am

Fago! wrote: »

I've got this painting of Stevie Wonder in my living room. It's really freaky. wherever you walk in the room it looks like his hands are following you.

have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?.... No? ..... Neither has he.

ki · 04-03-2011 2:30pm

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he is married!

Stu · 04-03-2011 2:51pm

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cun t?" young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping wife, "that's a pussy son." "Its lovely dad, can I touch it?"
"No son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cun t up!"

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here's a fiver now fook off!"

Did you hear about the Dwarf who tried to walk under a womens legs to get an eyeful? He got a Clit around the ear and a Flap in the face.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking, she's going to eat me !!!

What's the difference between your wages and your cock? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your wages!

How do you know when you are getting old? When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? They already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between Oh! and Aaaaah!? About 3 inches.

Why is that time of the month called PMS? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

What's the best thing about getting a blow job? Ten minutes of silence!

Why did the blond get sacked from the M&M factory? Because she threw out all the W's

How can you tell when a blond has been using a PC? The Joystick is all wet.

What's the definition of eternity? The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Why did God invent yeast infection? So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cun t.

Why don't men use the Washing machine? Because it doesn't come with a Remote Control.

Did you hear about the two gay men who went to London? They were well pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Do You like good horror? Have you heard about the new exorcist film? They get the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child!

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumour

What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? I feel like a kid again!

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment ..... What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? €3.99 a minute.

What do women and washing machines have in common? They both drip when they're fuc ked.

Have u ever heard a bloke saying "I'm Just going to the toilet to Bate my Master. Now u know where the word "masterbate" originates from?

What does your Bank Account and Sex have in common? You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

What does a vibrator and veggie sausage have in common? They are both meat substitutes!

Can i ask you something, How come during sex it's OK to say, 'Who's your daddy?,' but it's not OK to say, 'I love you, mammy'?

What did the woman do when she found out her husband was gay? She pulled herself together and took it like a man.

Why can't Chinese couples have white babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white!

What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex? Glad-he-ate-her.

kfallon · 04-03-2011 2:54pm

Somebody got Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Xmas.....said it was the best book he ever read :pac:

Leiva · 04-03-2011 3:03pm

How does a Kerry man find a Sheep in long grass ?

Exhilarating !

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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