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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #782
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A man walks in to the tattoo shop and says to the tatooist I would love a tattoo of a beautiful woman. And where would you like it asks the tatooist? On the wife's face says the man.


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    #783
    ballsdeep69
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭ballsdeep69


    A blonde walks into a bar,
    gets a headache


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    #784
    7 Seconds...
    Registered Users Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE


    A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

    He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20


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    #785
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    ZV Yoda wrote: »
    A man, with a lump of tarmac under his arm, walks into a bar. He says to the barman:
    "A pint for me please… and one for the road"


    Was that not the Tarmac from The Psycho Path :eek:

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #786
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I Went To An Italian Restaurant The Other Day, There Was A Fat Lady Standing In The Doorway.





    I Couldn't Get Pasta :(

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #787
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.


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    #788
    Owta Control
    Closed Accounts Posts: 113 ✭✭Owta Control


    natashaob6 wrote: »
    A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.

    Walks a horse into a Latvian bar.
    Man says:....”There you are dear wife!”


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    #789
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.


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    #790
    7 Seconds...
    Registered Users Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"

    He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"


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    #791
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were
    madly,deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an
    idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in
    tears.

    "We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
    "Why?" gasped Declan.
    "Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed. "He claims you
    are a mere crab and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class
    of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry
    someone who can only walk sideways."

    Declan was shattered and scuttled sideways away into the darkness and
    began to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
    That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters
    came from far and wide, dancing and merry making But the Lobster
    Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's
    side, inconsolable.

    Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab
    strode in! The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess
    gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
    Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the
    Floor....and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but
    FORWARDS!!!! One crab claw after another!

    Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until
    he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
    There was a deadly hush.

    Finally, Declan spoke.......

    "Jaysus, I'm locked"


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    #792
    lmimmfn
    Registered Users Posts: 3,553 ✭✭✭lmimmfn


    patmac wrote: »
    Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.
    I must be other one :P


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    #793
    Losty Dublin
    Registered Users Posts: 12,965 ✭✭✭✭Losty Dublin


    A Tesco burger walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says "why the long face?"


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    #794
    munster87
    Registered Users Posts: 4,230 ✭✭✭munster87


    Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
    Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram.
    Son: Thanks dad.
    Dad: No problem Alan.


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    #795
    Miss Demeanour
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,383 ✭✭✭Miss Demeanour


    A woman goes to learn how to golf.
    The instructor says to treat the club just like she would usually treat a penis.....use the same technique...

    She does and it is a very good shot......
    Well done the instructor says but I think we can improve it a little.....
    Now he says....
    "take the club out of your mouth......"


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    #796
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My Wife is a real good looker.



    No matter where I hide my money, she always finds it.


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    #797
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I met a girl from Limerick online and she has stolen my heart. Amongst other things.


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    #798
    emeldc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,593 ✭✭✭emeldc


    I went to see the mother in law in London the other day.
    She lives in Birmingham but she looks better from London.

    Tommy Cooper RIP


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    #799
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    An Insect Flew into the Kitchen earlier did a few Laps and then Blew up.

    I think it was a Jihadi Long Legs

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #800
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”
    Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”
    The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
    The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
    Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”
    The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
    Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
    Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apparently my wife does.”


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    #801
    K.Flyer
    Registered Users Posts: 8,565 ✭✭✭K.Flyer


    Jimmy walks into a bar in downtown New York and orders three beers.

    The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, back to the first one, then to the second etc until they're gone.

    He then orders three more and the bartender says, "I know you like your beers cold, so why don't you start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

    The man says, "You don't understand. See, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

    The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers.

    Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two.
    He drinks them in the same way and then orders two more.
    The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

    The man looks up and says,
    "Oh, my brothers, no they're both fine -- I just promised my wife I'd quit drinking, it's just they haven't"


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    #802
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    It's funny how my missus sits up all night, waiting for me to come back from the pub..


    Just to ask me what time of night is.





    Carlsberg does do the perfect wife.

    You've just got to drink enough of it.


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    #803
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Theresa May has appointed a minister for loneliness.


    Shouldn't there be more than one?






    Also who do we complain to about there being only one Monopolies Commission ?


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    #804
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My girlfriend whispered to me last night that she likes it rough....


    So I took her to Limerick.


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    #805
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why did the Mexican take Valium?


    For Hispanic attacks.


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    #806
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

    The assistant asks, "What Bust?".



    She says, "The bleedin' Condom!".


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    #807
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Over the past week I've burgled nine flats in Limerick.



    It feels great to get my stuff back.


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    #808
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    It's Motown weather

    Three degrees






    Four, tops


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    #809
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When me and my mates go out on the pull, I'm known as "The cat"

    It's not because I'm sleek and stealthy, or anything like that, it's that when I turn up the birds scatter.


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    #810
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I keep having recurring nightmares about fruit machines.

    My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then holds me.


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    #811
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,700 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The day when Jesus was supposedly miraculously resurrected from the dead falls this year on April Fools Day....


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