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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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patmac

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

Owta Control

natashaob6 wrote: »

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.

Walks a horse into a Latvian bar.
Man says:....”There you are dear wife!”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.

MonkieSocks

I Went To An Italian Restaurant The Other Day, There Was A Fat Lady Standing In The Doorway.

I Couldn't Get Pasta

MonkieSocks

ZV Yoda wrote: »

A man, with a lump of tarmac under his arm, walks into a bar. He says to the barman:
"A pint for me please… and one for the road"

Was that not the Tarmac from The Psycho Path :eek:

7 Seconds...

A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20

ballsdeep69

A blonde walks into a bar,
gets a headache

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man walks in to the tattoo shop and says to the tatooist I would love a tattoo of a beautiful woman. And where would you like it asks the tatooist? On the wife's face says the man.

coolhull

One sunny day, three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary. Each of them has a great big smile on their faces.

The Coroner examines the bodies and then calls the Inspector to tell him what has happened.

“First lifeless body Italian; 60, died of heart attack while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second lifeless body Spanish; 25, won a million pounds on the lottery, drunk too much tequila, whisky, vine, rom etc. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ahh, Jesus,” says the Coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Joshua the redneck from Kansas, 34, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the Inspector.

The Coroner replies; “He thought he was having his picture taken.”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Suckit wrote: »

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

What in the name of jaysus is that all about. Keep putting so called jokes up like that and you will kill this thread.

milltown

A woman walks up to the bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.

foxy farmer

ballsdeep69 wrote: »

Any body got any pub jokes

A book full of em.

StupidLikeAFox

Crab walks into a bar. Barman says "Get the hell out of here, I remember you from last week and you were in here giving it all that" *does crab hands*

(prob works better in person)

quickbeam

A termite walks in to a bar and asks: "is the bar tender here?"

Suckit

mad m wrote: »

^^^ I’m definitely getting my coat after reading the above. Lantern lovin jaysus.

They are from a few years ago, around the same time as Doge.. Maybe earlier.

mad m

^^^ I’m definitely getting my coat after reading the above. Lantern lovin jaysus.

Suckit

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Two Latvian look at clouds.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

mad m

A guy and a giraffe are skulling pints in a bar. After 10 pints the guy says to the giraffe “are you right, night club” they get up ,but giraffe collapses on to floor . The barman shouts to guy “hey you, don’t be leaving that lying there”. Guy says “ that’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

Ok I’ll get my coat....

Ken.

Mod-Threads merged.

Losty Dublin

A man goes into a bar;

"Any floor service in here?" he cries.
"We have indeed" says the barman.
"Well get them down here to fix the floor, I'm after tripping up on a loose carpet"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nx2FvEROSo

Fr_Dougal

Two Latvian look at clouds.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

donegal_man

Dung beetle walks into a pub asks "are there any free stools?"

Barry Badrinath

Knock knock!!
Who is there?

Go fcuk yourself!

ZV Yoda

A man, with a lump of tarmac under his arm, walks into a bar. He says to the barman:
"A pint for me please… and one for the road"

thegills

Piece of rope walks into a bar asks for a pint. Barman says sorry we don't serve ropes in here.
Rope goes back outside, ruffles up his hair and walks back into the bar with his arms folded.
He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint. Barman asks him if he was the rope that was in a few minutes ago.
Rope replies 'No I'm a frayed knot!

Duckworth_Luas

A squirrel has been drinking in a pub all day.

The barman tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Ten minutes later the squirrel returns.

Barman says, "what are you doing back here?"

Squirrel responds, "I'm locked out of my tree!"

Pac1Man

Jim Bob Scratcher wrote: »

The smell of farts I would have thought

Oh pubs? I thought it was pubes.

179club

Man walks into a bar. Crocodile sandwich please and make it snappy.

Jim Bob Scratcher

Pac1Man wrote: »

Why are brussel sprouts like pubs?

You just push them aside and carry on eating.

The smell of farts I would have thought

YFlyer

A dog walk into a pub and said 'who shot my paw?'