The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

In case you don't have any cracker jokes.


How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza ? Deep pan, crisp and even.

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell

What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1

How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?
They’ll get over it.


How do trees get online?
They just log in.

Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Because it’s sea food.


I’ve decided to marry a pencil.
I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.


Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights.


How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.


Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.



What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.


Some day, Canada will take over the world. – And then we’ll all be sorry.



4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. – 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.


Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Autochange

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Microdot

my neighbour with the big tits is walking up and down the garden topless. ...I just wish his wife would do the same.

NollagShona

Don't forget the Nathan Carter Christmas Special is on tonight at 9.20 - probably best to turn your TV off at 9.15 in case it starts early.

donegaLroad

Tampax have a new sanitary towel on the market, instead of a piece of string attached it's a piece of tinsel, but it's only for the Christmas period.

NollagShona

donegaLroad wrote: »

Tampax have a new sanitary towel on the market, instead of a piece of string attached it's a piece of tinsel, but it's only for the Christmas period.

there are no strings on sanitary towels- that's tampons

Capt'n Midnight

Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Suckit

NollagShona wrote: »

there are no strings on sanitary towels- that's tampons

And they are only there so the crabs can go bungee jumping... :eek::P

Capt'n Midnight

I'm not so excited
- The Disappointer Sisters

Capt'n Midnight

Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!'

byrner88

The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much ****ing bread?"

byrner88

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on pantomimes.

The librarian says; "They're behind you

coldfire1x

Christian Brothers Against Masturbation:

Are you addicted to masturbation? Reach out to us and we can beat it together!!

JimmyMcGill

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*cough cough*

MonkieSocks

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I said.

"Very critical," replied the officer.


"What's she fookin complaining about now?" I asked.

Capt'n Midnight

Gardaí in Limerick pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed NCT'd and insured. It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him €80 for wasting police time."

Ken.

I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me and squeezed my arse and said "give me your number sexy"

Have you got a pen I asked

Yes she replied

I said, Well you better get back to it before the farmer notices your fücking missing

Capt'n Midnight

NollagShona wrote: »

Don't forget the Nathan Carter Christmas Special is on tonight at 9.20 - probably best to turn your TV off at 9.15 in case it starts early.

On again at 22:40 and 23:40 on +1

Ted_YNWA

Should the channel Yesterday +1, not be called Today.

Ted_YNWA

Ted_YNWA wrote: »

Should the channel Yesterday +1, not be called Today.

No, it should be called the day before yesterday.
arú inné :pac:

Singapore Paul

What's the difference between light and hard?

YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A LIGHT ON BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH A HARD ON

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

I CAN'T MARMALADE MY COCK UP A GIRL'S ARSE

What's the difference between an apple and an orange?

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AN APPLE BASTARD BEFORE, HAVE YOU?

Why is the George such a popular pub?

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE IN IRELAND WHERE YOU CAN ENJOY A PINT AND A FAG AT THE SAME TIME

milltown

Jim Davidson? Is that you?

Singapore Paul wrote: »

What's the difference between light and hard?

YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A LIGHT ON BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH A HARD ON

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

I CAN'T MARMALADE MY COCK UP A GIRL'S ARSE

What's the difference between an apple and an orange?

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AN APPLE BASTARD BEFORE, HAVE YOU?

Why is the George such a popular pub?

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE IN IRELAND WHERE YOU CAN ENJOY A PINT AND A FAG AT THE SAME TIME

coolhull

Singapore Paul wrote: »

What's the difference between light and hard?

YOU CAN SLEEP WITH A LIGHT ON BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH A HARD ON

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

I CAN'T MARMALADE MY COCK UP A GIRL'S ARSE

What's the difference between an apple and an orange?

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF AN APPLE BASTARD BEFORE, HAVE YOU?

Why is the George such a popular pub?

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE IN IRELAND WHERE YOU CAN ENJOY A PINT AND A FAG AT THE SAME TIME

There's a difference between simple fun and unnecessary crudity.
Guess which category this fits into?

coolhull

Top Tip : If you're fed up boiling water for pasta, just boil up a couple of gallons at the beginning of the week, then bottle and freeze it, and use it later

NollagShona

As one door closes another one opens.

Don't think I've built this wardrobe right.

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

MonkieSocks

A foursome of men at the Golf Course are waiting, while a foursome of women are hitting off from the Tee.

The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.

She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically

"I guess all those fookin lessons I took this past winter didn't help".

One of the men immediately replies;




"Now, there's your problem lady. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Dublin!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlies says, “I just arrived in Dublin.”
“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?”

Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Dublin!”

MonkieSocks

Sad news from the Nestlactory today.


A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking.

He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.

byrner88

Who was the guy who played Forrest Gump? Just can’t remember his name, T.hanks.