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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man walks in to the tattoo shop and says to the tatooist I would love a tattoo of a beautiful woman. And where would you like it asks the tatooist? On the wife's face says the man.

ballsdeep69

A blonde walks into a bar,
gets a headache

7 Seconds...

A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20

MonkieSocks

ZV Yoda wrote: »

A man, with a lump of tarmac under his arm, walks into a bar. He says to the barman:
"A pint for me please… and one for the road"

Was that not the Tarmac from The Psycho Path :eek:

MonkieSocks

I Went To An Italian Restaurant The Other Day, There Was A Fat Lady Standing In The Doorway.

I Couldn't Get Pasta

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.

Owta Control

natashaob6 wrote: »

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.

Walks a horse into a Latvian bar.
Man says:....”There you are dear wife!”

patmac

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

7 Seconds...

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"

He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

Capt'n Midnight

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were
madly,deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an
idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in
tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed. "He claims you
are a mere crab and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class
of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry
someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered and scuttled sideways away into the darkness and
began to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters
came from far and wide, dancing and merry making But the Lobster
Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's
side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab
strode in! The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess
gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the
Floor....and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but
FORWARDS!!!! One crab claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until
he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.

Finally, Declan spoke.......

"Jaysus, I'm locked"

lmimmfn

patmac wrote: »

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

I must be other one :P

Losty Dublin

A Tesco burger walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says "why the long face?"

munster87

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

Miss Demeanour

A woman goes to learn how to golf.
The instructor says to treat the club just like she would usually treat a penis.....use the same technique...

She does and it is a very good shot......
Well done the instructor says but I think we can improve it a little.....
Now he says....
"take the club out of your mouth......"

Capt'n Midnight

My Wife is a real good looker.

No matter where I hide my money, she always finds it.

Capt'n Midnight

I met a girl from Limerick online and she has stolen my heart. Amongst other things.

emeldc

I went to see the mother in law in London the other day.
She lives in Birmingham but she looks better from London.

Tommy Cooper RIP

MonkieSocks

An Insect Flew into the Kitchen earlier did a few Laps and then Blew up.

I think it was a Jihadi Long Legs

[Deleted User]

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”
Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”
The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apparently my wife does.”

K.Flyer

Jimmy walks into a bar in downtown New York and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, back to the first one, then to the second etc until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "I know you like your beers cold, so why don't you start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. See, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers.

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two.
He drinks them in the same way and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man looks up and says,
"Oh, my brothers, no they're both fine -- I just promised my wife I'd quit drinking, it's just they haven't"

Capt'n Midnight

It's funny how my missus sits up all night, waiting for me to come back from the pub..

Just to ask me what time of night is.

Carlsberg does do the perfect wife.

You've just got to drink enough of it.

Capt'n Midnight

Theresa May has appointed a minister for loneliness.

Shouldn't there be more than one?

Also who do we complain to about there being only one Monopolies Commission ?

Capt'n Midnight

My girlfriend whispered to me last night that she likes it rough....

So I took her to Limerick.

Capt'n Midnight

Why did the Mexican take Valium?

For Hispanic attacks.

Capt'n Midnight

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".

She says, "The bleedin' Condom!".

Capt'n Midnight

Over the past week I've burgled nine flats in Limerick.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

Capt'n Midnight

It's Motown weather

Three degrees

Four, tops

Capt'n Midnight

When me and my mates go out on the pull, I'm known as "The cat"

It's not because I'm sleek and stealthy, or anything like that, it's that when I turn up the birds scatter.

Capt'n Midnight

I keep having recurring nightmares about fruit machines.

My wife has been really supportive, she wakes me up with a nudge, and then holds me.

Capt'n Midnight

The day when Jesus was supposedly miraculously resurrected from the dead falls this year on April Fools Day....