The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Pac1Man · 15-01-2018 8:52pm

Why are brussel sprouts like pubs?

You just push them aside and carry on eating.

NickNickleby · 15-01-2018 8:53pm

Horse walks into a bar.

Barman looks up and says : "why the long face?"

King George VI · 15-01-2018 8:54pm

The bar tender says ‘We don’t serve Time Travellers in here’

Barry Badrinath · 15-01-2018 8:55pm

A man walks into a bar in the west of Ireland and says to the barman: "Which is the quickest way to Ballymac?"

Barman: "Are you walking or do you have a car?"

Man: "I have a car"

Barman:" Ah well then, that´s the quickest way"

Actually....thats an awful joke.

King George VI · 15-01-2018 8:55pm

So a Time Traveller walks into a bar.

YFlyer · 15-01-2018 8:59pm

See the two lads over there. (As the two Irish lads are looking into the mirror across the room). Mike he looks like your uncle, John he looks like your brother. Lets go over Mike to buy them a pint. Sit down John, I think they are coming over to us.

Joeseph Balls · 15-01-2018 9:02pm

We should start a thread, full of jokes and call it something witty like, the try harder if ye want a second joke thread

jack presley · 15-01-2018 9:04pm

A duck walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a pint please and put it on my bill”.

YFlyer · 15-01-2018 9:06pm

A dog walk into a pub and said 'who shot my paw?'

Jim Bob Scratcher · 15-01-2018 9:08pm

Pac1Man wrote: »

Why are brussel sprouts like pubs?

You just push them aside and carry on eating.

The smell of farts I would have thought

179club · 15-01-2018 9:10pm

Man walks into a bar. Crocodile sandwich please and make it snappy.

Pac1Man · 15-01-2018 9:11pm

Jim Bob Scratcher wrote: »

The smell of farts I would have thought

Oh pubs? I thought it was pubes.

Duckworth_Luas · 15-01-2018 9:15pm

A squirrel has been drinking in a pub all day.

The barman tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Ten minutes later the squirrel returns.

Barman says, "what are you doing back here?"

Squirrel responds, "I'm locked out of my tree!"

thegills · 15-01-2018 9:16pm

Piece of rope walks into a bar asks for a pint. Barman says sorry we don't serve ropes in here.
Rope goes back outside, ruffles up his hair and walks back into the bar with his arms folded.
He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint. Barman asks him if he was the rope that was in a few minutes ago.
Rope replies 'No I'm a frayed knot!

ZV Yoda · 15-01-2018 9:17pm

A man, with a lump of tarmac under his arm, walks into a bar. He says to the barman:
"A pint for me please… and one for the road"

Barry Badrinath · 15-01-2018 9:18pm

Knock knock!!
Who is there?

Go fcuk yourself!

donegal_man · 15-01-2018 9:20pm

Dung beetle walks into a pub asks "are there any free stools?"

Fr_Dougal · 15-01-2018 9:23pm

Two Latvian look at clouds.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

Losty Dublin · 15-01-2018 9:30pm

A man goes into a bar;

"Any floor service in here?" he cries.
"We have indeed" says the barman.
"Well get them down here to fix the floor, I'm after tripping up on a loose carpet"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nx2FvEROSo

Ken. · 15-01-2018 9:33pm

Mod-Threads merged.

mad m · 15-01-2018 10:00pm

A guy and a giraffe are skulling pints in a bar. After 10 pints the guy says to the giraffe “are you right, night club” they get up ,but giraffe collapses on to floor . The barman shouts to guy “hey you, don’t be leaving that lying there”. Guy says “ that’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

Ok I’ll get my coat....

Suckit · 15-01-2018 10:05pm

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Two Latvian look at clouds.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

mad m · 15-01-2018 10:08pm

^^^ I’m definitely getting my coat after reading the above. Lantern lovin jaysus.

Suckit · 15-01-2018 10:11pm

mad m wrote: »

^^^ I’m definitely getting my coat after reading the above. Lantern lovin jaysus.

They are from a few years ago, around the same time as Doge.. Maybe earlier.

quickbeam · 15-01-2018 11:37pm

A termite walks in to a bar and asks: "is the bar tender here?"

StupidLikeAFox · 16-01-2018 12:50am

Crab walks into a bar. Barman says "Get the hell out of here, I remember you from last week and you were in here giving it all that" *does crab hands*

(prob works better in person)

foxy farmer · 16-01-2018 2:12am

ballsdeep69 wrote: »

Any body got any pub jokes

A book full of em.

milltown · 16-01-2018 11:40am

A woman walks up to the bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-01-2018 1:47pm

Suckit wrote: »

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

What in the name of jaysus is that all about. Keep putting so called jokes up like that and you will kill this thread.

coolhull · 16-01-2018 1:47pm

One sunny day, three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary. Each of them has a great big smile on their faces.

The Coroner examines the bodies and then calls the Inspector to tell him what has happened.

“First lifeless body Italian; 60, died of heart attack while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second lifeless body Spanish; 25, won a million pounds on the lottery, drunk too much tequila, whisky, vine, rom etc. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ahh, Jesus,” says the Coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Joshua the redneck from Kansas, 34, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the Inspector.

The Coroner replies; “He thought he was having his picture taken.”

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-01-2018 1:52pm

A man walks in to the tattoo shop and says to the tatooist I would love a tattoo of a beautiful woman. And where would you like it asks the tatooist? On the wife's face says the man.

ballsdeep69 · 16-01-2018 2:27pm

A blonde walks into a bar,
gets a headache

7 Seconds... · 16-01-2018 6:14pm

A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20

MonkieSocks · 16-01-2018 6:58pm

ZV Yoda wrote: »

A man, with a lump of tarmac under his arm, walks into a bar. He says to the barman:
"A pint for me please… and one for the road"

Was that not the Tarmac from The Psycho Path :eek:

MonkieSocks · 16-01-2018 7:29pm

I Went To An Italian Restaurant The Other Day, There Was A Fat Lady Standing In The Doorway.

I Couldn't Get Pasta

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-01-2018 7:30pm

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.

Owta Control · 16-01-2018 7:38pm

natashaob6 wrote: »

A horse walks in to a bar and the barman says why the long face.

Walks a horse into a Latvian bar.
Man says:....”There you are dear wife!”

patmac · 16-01-2018 8:13pm

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

7 Seconds... · 16-01-2018 8:19pm

A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"

He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

Capt'n Midnight · 16-01-2018 10:16pm

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were
madly,deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an
idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in
tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed. "He claims you
are a mere crab and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class
of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry
someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered and scuttled sideways away into the darkness and
began to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters
came from far and wide, dancing and merry making But the Lobster
Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's
side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab
strode in! The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess
gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the
Floor....and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but
FORWARDS!!!! One crab claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until
he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.

Finally, Declan spoke.......

"Jaysus, I'm locked"

lmimmfn · 17-01-2018 1:17am

patmac wrote: »

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

I must be other one :P

Losty Dublin · 17-01-2018 2:21am

A Tesco burger walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says "why the long face?"

munster87 · 17-01-2018 11:32pm

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

Miss Demeanour · 17-01-2018 11:57pm

A woman goes to learn how to golf.
The instructor says to treat the club just like she would usually treat a penis.....use the same technique...

She does and it is a very good shot......
Well done the instructor says but I think we can improve it a little.....
Now he says....
"take the club out of your mouth......"

Capt'n Midnight · 18-01-2018 2:44am

My Wife is a real good looker.

No matter where I hide my money, she always finds it.

Capt'n Midnight · 18-01-2018 2:46am

I met a girl from Limerick online and she has stolen my heart. Amongst other things.

emeldc · 18-01-2018 10:39am

I went to see the mother in law in London the other day.
She lives in Birmingham but she looks better from London.

Tommy Cooper RIP

MonkieSocks · 18-01-2018 7:08pm

An Insect Flew into the Kitchen earlier did a few Laps and then Blew up.

I think it was a Jihadi Long Legs

20-01-2018 12:51pm

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”
Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”
The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apparently my wife does.”

K.Flyer · 20-01-2018 3:03pm

Jimmy walks into a bar in downtown New York and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, back to the first one, then to the second etc until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "I know you like your beers cold, so why don't you start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. See, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers.

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two.
He drinks them in the same way and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man looks up and says,
"Oh, my brothers, no they're both fine -- I just promised my wife I'd quit drinking, it's just they haven't"

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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