The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Possums, an Aussie story!

The churches in Blenheim were suffering from a plague of possums, and were struggling to stop them peeing in the doorways and disturbing early morning and late night services by sliding up and down the roofs.


The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possums. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.


The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.


But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

lbc2019 wrote: »

I cant believe its pancake Tuesday tomorrow. Honestly, it just creped up on me.

whiskeyman wrote: »

You're taking it well...







I nearly flipped!!

If you go on the batter tonight, you'll be grand.

Ah for flip sake, forgot all about it.

After my girlfriend had given birth to our son, the midwife smiled at me and said, "Do you have a name?"

I said, "Yes, it's Brian""

"Brian is a lovely name," she replied.

I said, "Thanks, what do you think we should call the baby?"

I'll never forget my grandad's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you little bollaux"

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.

Hagar7 wrote: »

So I was on a bus when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Reminds me of when I was on the 46a and tapped the attractive girl in front of me and said I think there is semen on her shoulder. She laughed and said ‘I think it’s yoghurt ya mad thing’. I shrugged my shoulders in agreement and thought to myself ‘jaysus, I’ve never ejaculated yoghurt before!’

I was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector.

I had to turn it down.

frag420 wrote: »

I would have thought Nein...

Nein Nazi's ? :rolleyes:

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't sure about that, but I would have a fair crack at bohemian rhapsody...

patmac wrote: »

I'm colour blind but it doesn't stop me enjoying life. The other night I went to see "Joseph and His Amazing Brown Coat."
It was great.

The most common type of colour blindness is confusing red and green. A lot of cyclists suffer from it.

The strangest thing happened to me last night...I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it. To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace.

That's the last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips.

My wife rang me earlier.

"Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"

"I'm having a few beers with the lads," I said.

"Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key."

"Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Dave through from the kitchen."